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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found out I’m pregnant..

112 replies

oopsie273 · 18/04/2025 17:09

Sorry I’m in panic mode !!

Me and my partner are 27 and rent a small one bedroom flat in an expensive area. We’re on a combined salary of around 62k. We both work full time and never remotely.

I was late so did a pregnancy test and it’s come back positive. About 4 weeks.
We both agreed that we are mentally ready to start a family but feel we are not financially or situationally ready. We don’t have any savings, we practically live pay check to paycheck.
Partner said he would suffer a lot of financial stress to support us 3 if I went on maternity leave as he earns less than me.

I think deep down I know the right thing to do but it’s really upsetting me. Partner says I should see it as a positive as we are able to have kids and will be when we are ready. He said it’s also positive that it’s given us motivation to save money for the future as we know this is what we want.

Also our parents do not live local enough for us to be able to lodge there for a bit, for example.

Im just in panic mode I guess but feeling the biggest range of emotions and have no one else to talk to as we don’t want to tell anyone yet! I feel sad and resentful that the current way of the world is making something so positive seem impossible.

OP posts:
Vettrianofan · 18/04/2025 18:45

Epilepsystruggle · 18/04/2025 18:34

Do people really think 62k is loads of money? Are people forgetting:

You get taxed, national insurance, pension and student debt deductions. So take home is significantly less.

Then there are parts of the country where rents are £1200 - £1600 per month on a 1 bed flat. So take that out the salary.

Then nursery costs for full time nursery can be £1.2K to £1.6K per month.

They'll get zero help in benefits due to their salary.

They can't afford to 'drop a day' each because they'll still get no government help so and then has less money coming in on a really tight budget so could even be in minus.

I think people live in bubbles of their own personal situations sometimes so can't comprehend other circumstances when it comes to finances.

I remember my friend years ago saying I must be well off because I was on 35K a year at the time. When my take home was actually £2.1K per month. She worked on minimum wage part time with 2 kids and her top up benefits actually brought her to around £2.5K per month. So she actually took home a lot more than me. But if you'd asked her she'd say 'wow I earn way less than that! I'd love to earn what you do! I'd be so comfortable!'. When in reality she not only earned what I did but more.

Yes it's loads. We live off much less and don't struggle.

Girltoddler · 18/04/2025 18:48

Mine is a toddler now but we were younger than you and on a similar combined salary. You’ll be fine! You’re not young parents and your salaries are fine.

TheHerboriste · 18/04/2025 18:53

I would terminate no question rather than derail the rest of my life.
Our bodies were not designed to carry every fertilized egg to fruition. A relatively few ever become human beings.

Summertimeblahness · 18/04/2025 18:55

Whatever you decide, don’t take for granted that this means that you will conceive easily in the future.

Your wage isn’t awful.
Can either of you look for either a better paid job and/or cheaper housing (maybe moving area)?

AprilBunny · 18/04/2025 18:57

How much is your rent, do you have to live in that area?

TwinklyOP · 18/04/2025 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Girltoddler · 18/04/2025 19:00

TheHerboriste · 18/04/2025 18:53

I would terminate no question rather than derail the rest of my life.
Our bodies were not designed to carry every fertilized egg to fruition. A relatively few ever become human beings.

This is a disgusting thing to say. OP clearly wants the baby but her boyfriend (and you) are encouraging an abortion. Women should only abort if they have don’t have any doubts. OP has a home and a good job so her and her boyfriend can afford a baby.

What if OP aborts and then her boyfriend keeps saying he wants a baby ‘eventually’ and then she’s in her mid-late 30s and he finally says he doesn’t want children and it’s too late for OP.

TheHerboriste · 18/04/2025 19:07

@Girltoddler

We’re all entitled to our opinions. OP is a 20-something unmarried renter with a low paid job and a boyfriend who is uninterested in becoming a father right now. It’s not a good situation for creating a new human being in and doing so likely would stunt her socio-economic mobility. Those are facts.

Millions of women abort and have zero problem conceiving when they are ready to. People who scaremonger women about potential fertility issues are reprehensible.

Icanttakethisanymore · 18/04/2025 19:22

I wouldn’t have an abortion if I wanted the baby (and I’ve had an abortion). You will cope. You may be entitled to UC so please check that too.

Icanttakethisanymore · 18/04/2025 19:23

TheHerboriste · 18/04/2025 19:07

@Girltoddler

We’re all entitled to our opinions. OP is a 20-something unmarried renter with a low paid job and a boyfriend who is uninterested in becoming a father right now. It’s not a good situation for creating a new human being in and doing so likely would stunt her socio-economic mobility. Those are facts.

Millions of women abort and have zero problem conceiving when they are ready to. People who scaremonger women about potential fertility issues are reprehensible.

the op didn’t say he’s uninterested in becoming a father. She said the opposite, that they are emotionally ready but not situationally ready.

SunnySideDeepDown · 18/04/2025 19:26

I would also say go for it!

  1. Your partner needs to start looking for better paid jobs now

  2. Move to a cheaper area

  3. Reduce your outgoings. Buy secondhand baby bits, you can find so many nearly new bits on marketplace.

Darkambergingerlily · 18/04/2025 19:27

I think you should keep the baby.

maybe if you never wanted children, abortion would be a more obvious choice but you do want a baby one day and this could be the day. You could make it work

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 18/04/2025 19:39

Some absolutely ridiculous comments "never a right time to have a baby"??? Of course there's a right time:

Married ✅️
Own a home ✅️
Have a bedroom for said baby ✅️
Decent wage x 2 ✅️
Secure relationship with father of baby ✅️

The OP is making a logical decision and the only arguments countering it are purely emotive.

Motheroffive999 · 18/04/2025 19:52

Do you have a family member that you can confide in?
Could you move to a cheaper area ? My husband and I don't even earn half that combined and we live in the most expensive part of the country.
If there is a small chance that you want this baby , please don't terminate because you could regret it for the rest of your life.
Good luck

Imjules · 18/04/2025 19:57

It's scary finding out your pregnant even scarier when you realise everything that comes with having a baby. You need to weigh the pros and cons of each decision you make.
I was 25 when I got a suprise and found out I was pregnant I was terrified I was crying to my mum saying how am I going to cope, no money, me and my partner talked about abortion.. Time came for a scan as I had a troubled first pregnant and they had to check all was OK.. Tears welling up I couldn't even think about abortion. Anyway it was hard no money everything was second hand but we managed.

Whatever you decide remember you are not alone, hundreds of women will be going through the same and having the same thoughts.

gattocattivo · 18/04/2025 19:59

No one else can answer whether you go ahead and have the baby.
but I would point out that 9 weeks full pay is actually a pretty damn decent deal.
I’ll say it’s not a race to the bottom (before anyone else does) but it puts it into perspective to know that when I had my first baby 30 years ago I got 2 weeks full pay, then I think it was about 4 weeks on a bit lower, then 6 on half pay. Then back to work with a 12 week old baby.

if you want to have the child, you’re not compelled to take a full year off work. Take what you can afford. Then your dh is entitled to some time too. Even if you have to get a loan to cover child care for a bit, there’s soon going to be 30 hours a week free childcare from 9 months upwards so you should be ok.
baby can be in bedroom with you for first year.
In the meantime, look for cheaper rentals in cheaper areas.

Girltoddler · 18/04/2025 20:03

TheHerboriste · 18/04/2025 19:07

@Girltoddler

We’re all entitled to our opinions. OP is a 20-something unmarried renter with a low paid job and a boyfriend who is uninterested in becoming a father right now. It’s not a good situation for creating a new human being in and doing so likely would stunt her socio-economic mobility. Those are facts.

Millions of women abort and have zero problem conceiving when they are ready to. People who scaremonger women about potential fertility issues are reprehensible.

OP is in her late 20s and has an average salary. You’re trying to make out she’s barely 20 and on minimum wage! Also loads of families live in rented flats/houses nowadays. We’re not in the 1950s where pregnant women have to be married. Having a baby in my 20s hasn’t damaged my career or financial position.

Everyone knows that fertility declines in your 30s and a steeper decline in your late 30s.

H7529 · 18/04/2025 20:06

What are your outgoings that you struggle on £62k combined? This doesn’t sound too bad for two of you in a 1-bed flat. Can you sit down and look at your monthly budget and make a plan going forward? Of course a child is expensive but with some planning and savings during these next months it might work.

DorothyStorm · 18/04/2025 20:06

oopsie273 · 18/04/2025 17:12

Also my maternity leave package is shocking.. 9 weeks of full pay

9 weeks of full pay then what? I got 4 weeks 100%, 2 weeks 90% 9 weeks full pay is decent.

what is the pay discrepancy between you? If you earn a lot more, you could share the leave. You can have twenty KIT days between you to boost pay. This will be an illuminating conversation to have as it will show whether he actually has any intention of ever being an equal parent.

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 18/04/2025 20:09

I got only statutory maternity pay. You find ways to make it work.

Julietta05 · 18/04/2025 20:14

It seems like you have strong feeling that you want to have a baby. There are no guarantees that in the future it will happen again. In addition you would need to go through grief of losing this pregnancy.

Try to speak with your partner about your feelings, your priorities.

OopsyDaisie · 18/04/2025 20:18

Your maternity pay is above statutory (which is all I got with my 2), so I would actually say its good.
HOWEVER if you live in London for example, I can definitely see how your incomes would not be enough...
But if I was you, seeing both you and our DP actually do want a baby, I would put all your expenses on an excel spresheet and see what you can cut off. How much can you save? For the first year, the baby can sleep in your room, so you wouldn't have to move (probably longer than that if you HAD to, but definitely up to 1 year!). Can you afford, day, 6 months off work (or however long)? And then how much will nursery cost in your area when you go back to work?
If you wait for the perfect time to be financially ready, it will never happen. There's always "something".

LePetitMaman · 18/04/2025 20:20

doodleschnoodle · 18/04/2025 17:31

Have you actually sat down and looked at your budget? Considered moving to a cheaper area? I’d recommend working through it properly, especially as you said you’re mentally ready.

This.

You can't afford to live on £62k because you've chosen a very expensive area.

Move?!

Scrabblingaround · 18/04/2025 20:21

I had my eldest in similar circumstances aged 26. But this was almost18 years ago -easier times financially for everyone back then.

18 years later we missed the boat on buying a house, but muddled through and had two more kids, got married. Other than a mortgage we've managed to give them all a good childhood, music lessons and clubs and seaside holidays. It has been tough at times, and I would encourage my kids to get a mortgage before having kids... but I wouldn't change it for us.

I had an abortion when I was 20 and though absolutely the right thing I found it very hard and knew I couldn't do it again. If we'd just stuck with one baby then we could've probably got that mortgage....

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/04/2025 20:22

How much is your rent that you can barely keep a roof over your head on that money? At 27 with zero savings you are years and years off getting to do this again, so if you don’t want to terminate then don’t. Your wages aren’t bad, you must be wasting money somewhere. Check his paternity package out too.