Just found out I’m pregnant..

[oopsie273]

Sorry I’m in panic mode !!

Me and my partner are 27 and rent a small one bedroom flat in an expensive area. We’re on a combined salary of around 62k. We both work full time and never remotely.

I was late so did a pregnancy test and it’s come back positive. About 4 weeks.
We both agreed that we are mentally ready to start a family but feel we are not financially or situationally ready. We don’t have any savings, we practically live pay check to paycheck.
Partner said he would suffer a lot of financial stress to support us 3 if I went on maternity leave as he earns less than me.

I think deep down I know the right thing to do but it’s really upsetting me. Partner says I should see it as a positive as we are able to have kids and will be when we are ready. He said it’s also positive that it’s given us motivation to save money for the future as we know this is what we want.

Also our parents do not live local enough for us to be able to lodge there for a bit, for example.

Im just in panic mode I guess but feeling the biggest range of emotions and have no one else to talk to as we don’t want to tell anyone yet! I feel sad and resentful that the current way of the world is making something so positive seem impossible.

How can you ask either set of parents to give you money for maternity leave if you have make a decision that doesn’t concern them knowing you can’t afford it.
I couldn’t have the front to be that entitled.

Congratulations on your baby! 😃

There's never a right time but you won't be destitute, you'll be fine and any shortage of cash will be made up a million times over by your baby.

Enjoy every single second.

Does not sound like he is ready or wants children. If you want the baby, be prepared to do it alone. There is rarely a right time and 62k is loads by most people's standards. A lot of excuses. Are you sure he wants DC? have you discussed it in the past?

And congrats 🎉

• they live in an expensive area where they live pay check to pay check
• Her maternity is 9 weeks - they’ll have to live on one income for a very long time (whether because she stays home or pays the equivalent of wage for childcare)

so they don’t have £62k income if they have a baby

It's so positive to see someone who is actually giving thought to how they will support a child financially rather than having a baby and then whinging about the cost of child care and/or expecting the tax payer to fund them. It's such a tough decision for you but huge respect for truly looking into feasibility. Best wishes for whichever route you take.

A friend had an abortion in her late 20s, and when she was in her mid thirties and ready for a baby she found she had premature ovarian failure and was never able to conceive again. I'm not saying you should go ahead now if you truly don't want to, but your partner's glib certainty that you will be able to have a child in the hypothetical future based on your current pregnancy shouldn't be a deciding factor.

I think quite a few people would prefer to be grandparents and help out financially a bit, rather than not help and have their daughter potentially never have children.

Demanding money is of course not on, but what's wrong with a carefully worded "dp and I are considering having kids but are finding finances a bit tight. We're a bit wary of taking the plunge. Of course feel free to say no, but would you be able to help us out at all if we ended up really struggling in future?"

Yes, this sums it up for me.

I am probably biased as a good friend had a termination when she was 25 and has never been able to have a baby since , despite IVF and various treatments.

You won't need more than one bedroom for at least the first year, a cot in your room is all the baby needs, and lots of families (ours included) actually end up cosleeping long term so it may be years before you really need more space. Babies aren't that expensive in the first year or two either if you get second hand stuff - ours hardly had anything new apart from gifts. If you're the higher earner, your DP should look into his options for parental leave. I think if you want the baby, there will be ways to make it work financially, but don't let yourself be pressured into an abortion you don't want. I also think you should confide in someone you trust (parents? A friend?) to help you make the decision, even though it's early in the pregnancy.

I think the partner is the issue here.
id say op is excited and wants baby.
hes freaking out so says no based on money based on no budget review.

op I would get your partners view set straight. does he actually want to have the baby and he’s worried about money? or is he just freaking out?

Is it a complete no?

He said it’s also positive that it’s given us motivation to save money for the future as we know this is what we want.

Sorry, I don't understand this. This is what you want? meaning the baby or a termination?

Where is your 62k going if you are living paycheck to paycheck as that is decent money? That's what I would do first is look at your budget as something is going wrong somewhere.

It is never the right time to have a baby. Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans; having a baby is that life.

You do what you want ultimately, but as pp have said, you may not be able to conceive again. I had an abortion aged 21 and since then have had ten miscarriages. Also two healthy pregnancies, but it's been a long road

We don't earn anywhere near what you do. I was a teacher and my maternity pay was no better than yours (private school, they do what they want, contract-wise). ETA this is the reality of being a woman. We struggle to climb the greasy pole and then put off motherhood to avoid slipping back down.

If I had waited for the right time, I would still be waiting. I'm 41 now.

If you're with the right man and you love him, have the baby.

TBF, housing costs vary widely depending on area, generation and access to deposit money or affordable housing. You really can’t judge someone’s financial position by simply looking at their net or gross income.

I couldn’t terminate a pregnancy that was the wrong time, there is never a right time.

In London it would be hard on that. Especially as maternity pay is only 9 weeks. Then it would be much lower than 62k

You can't cope with 1 baby on 62k?! I think this whole we aren't ready financially is nonsense. If you want to keep the baby you have plenty of money. And babies don't take up much space a 1 bed is fine for now.

I don't want to sway your decision either way but this is very naïve
Partner says I should see it as a positive as we are able to have kids

I miscarried at 7 weeks and someone in the medical profession said something similar to me; except it's never happened again. Just because you've got pregnant once it's not a given you will again.

Both my mum and dh’s parents would have given us money in that situation without doubt. And I would give either of my dc’s money as well.

He said it’s also positive that it’s given us motivation to save money for the future as we know this is what we want.

Kindly, how is he planning to save money if you live paycheck by paycheck?

Is he saying that he is prepared to make sacrifices for a future 'hypothetical' baby but not for a 'real' one? His arguments do not make much sense, OP.

Similar happened to me. Firstly, one bed doesn't matter for now. My close friends (also living in London) live in a one bed and are about to have their 2nd. The baby is in with you for the first 6 months anyway and I still have my 2 year old in with me because we cosleep and I want her close.

Secondly, I've found when you have a reason and determination to save you can. I was always saying I could never save anything and then when I found out I was pregnant at 8 weeks (having been told it wouldn't happen for us naturally) I was somehow able to save 7 grand over my pregnancy by cutting out all the luxury stuff - take away coffees, nights out, streaming subscriptions etc. It all added up.

Thirdly, babies don't have to cost as much as you think (they do get expensive when they hit the toddler stage though). So many people give baby clothes bundles away for 1 or 2 pounds on vinted or for free (check your local Facebook pages). If you know anyone with children everyone is desperate to give their old stuff away to get it out of their house.

All that being said, I'm not you and only you can make this decision as you're the one who has to sit with it and live with it. Good luck with whatever you choose.

Do people really think 62k is loads of money? Are people forgetting:

You get taxed, national insurance, pension and student debt deductions. So take home is significantly less.

Then there are parts of the country where rents are £1200 - £1600 per month on a 1 bed flat. So take that out the salary.

Then nursery costs for full time nursery can be £1.2K to £1.6K per month.

They'll get zero help in benefits due to their salary.

They can't afford to 'drop a day' each because they'll still get no government help so and then has less money coming in on a really tight budget so could even be in minus.

I think people live in bubbles of their own personal situations sometimes so can't comprehend other circumstances when it comes to finances.

I remember my friend years ago saying I must be well off because I was on 35K a year at the time. When my take home was actually £2.1K per month. She worked on minimum wage part time with 2 kids and her top up benefits actually brought her to around £2.5K per month. So she actually took home a lot more than me. But if you'd asked her she'd say 'wow I earn way less than that! I'd love to earn what you do! I'd be so comfortable!'. When in reality she not only earned what I did but more.

There’s never a right time. And you never feel like you earn enough money, or have enough space. A new baby doesn’t need much, and most of it is available cheap or free on Vinted or local Facebook mums’ groups. You need to write down all of your expenses, look at moving out of your expensive area. I would be working a second job to put money away to bolster the family earnings when you’re on maternity leave, your partner should too. Statutory mat pay isn’t nothing- it’s nearly £200 a week, so you need to sit down and work out how much you need to be putting away to make up to how much you need. Look at costs of nursery, when you’d be eligible for free hours and consider whether you’d return to work full time or not. There’s a lot to consider but it’s not black and white, so don’t make any rash decisions.

Just to say that it’s not “just cells” to everyone. No problem if you think that but to a lot of people abortion is a very personal decision based on very personal feelings. I in no way judge anyone that has one and I am glad we live in a place where it is available to those who choose to have one (especially considering all that is happening in the US at the moment) but I could never ever have one unless of rape or mother life or baby life issues. OP what are your feelings on it as this will be a big consideration as to what you want to do.

Same, got 4, and family income is nowhere near £62k. We are not struggling.