14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

Yes, I would do this too. Your DH needs to be seriously inconvenienced here.

That's rude and calm down.

Also, your demand that the one "bloody" paying for it calls the shots is not automatically a good one. Unless of course, the goal is for the husband to be sure his daughter hates him.

When I give my grown kids, or anyone else, money, I don't then go back and demand they spend it how I say. I don't think that's wise at all. And you'll notice I'm giving my opinion rather than stating my opinions as facts, when they are not, in a childish and all-wound-up manner.

As for the rest, similarly, please read the points I actually made and respond rationally if you're going to quote me. I'm not interested in your tantrum.

I mean the writing was on the wall all those years ago. The time to try and build any kind of relationship was 10 years ago not at her wedding.

You are dad’s wife, your daughter is dad’s wife’s daughter. Your shared children are her siblings.

She’s made it perfectly clear over the years clearly that you and your daughter are clearly not her family.

You don’t even know if not party children are invited either.

Blended step families yadda yadda. Doesn’t work often.

Exactly.

My take would be you can't include the younger ones and deliberately exclude their older sister.

Birthday presents etc, meh, everyone treats little children differently because it's as much fun to give.

Being part of the bridal party, the same, they're cute, they are half-siblings. Or 'no children' including the younger ones - fair enough.

If DD was older and had left home - fair enough.

But she is 14, she is part of your household, her younger sisters are part of the central group, and she isn't welcome to be part of the wider group of people attending?

It's a 'no' from me, it's spiteful and unkind.

I wouldn't allow my younger children to take part in something unkind to their older sister.

Is this about saying "happy birthday mate?"

I would probably be able to block that out

I’m all for child free weddings but this is exclusion to make a point. I wouldn’t go either.

How does the husband plan on explaining to two little girls why they are invited but their big sister isn’t? Also, if any adult child of mine behaved in the way the bride has, I’d be seriously disappointed in them, and making my feelings very clear.

I think it's pretty mean. I understand not having her in the wedding party, but not inviting her at all is horrible.

Moving forward I would leave H in charge of maintaining his relationship with his DC. He can organises meet ups, birthday cards, gifts etc. I would match the energy. She's indifferent. So I'd be indifferent.

That's her siblings sister. They won't thank her for being a dick to their sister as they get older.

I think this is so short sighted. Her step sister is her sisters’ sister. They’re all a big family in my eyes. The younger 2 will be talking about it for weeks I presume. It’s really hurtful and if she can’t see that I’d be ashamed if I was her parent.

You are being unfair if you don’t know if any other children are going or not. She’s invited her siblings and it’s understandable that she doesn’t view her dad’s wife’s child who she didn’t meet until she was at university as family. She doesn’t owe you any more than the pleasantry you already get from her.

Your husband is right not to put conditions on the gist he wants to give his daughter by paying for the wedding. Her wedding is about her, not you.

Sorry this has happened. It’s inexcusable.

I don’t think the money is relevant but I’d expect your DH to take a stand because this is about so much more than a wedding. I hope he does the right thing but if not there is no way I would go. And it would irrevocably change my relationship with DSD (and sadly with DH).

Absolutely agree that it is up to everyone to define their own family. And I am on the side of the grandparents forced to treat their children’s step children as if they are their children’s children.

BUT in this case the bride has known this kid for a decade. She has holidays with her, watched her grow up. She doesn’t have to treat her like a sister. But she should be kind. She has excluded one member of a family unit. She is unkind.

Bloody weddings.
Who cares, who goes, and who wants to go anyway.
Why don't couples just go off and get married in secret. It's their day after all.
What has it got to do with anyone else either.
What's the chances of being together forever today anyway.

Presumably she's not inviting relations by marriage then? Blood relatives are expected to attend without spouses/long term partners?

Because they aren't 'family' either?

The OP's daughter is a long term part of a family group, with every other member of the group.invited.

The daughter probably has her own very different view of the situation.

There is literally no justification for this at all.

Thing is, it may be that it’s a child free wedding, other than those involved in the wedding party? So many weddings go down that route, and obviously to stop any drama, a child free wedding has to be 100% that - no exceptions. It’s one of those situations where I think you should invite your sd for a coffee somewhere and just ask her why she’s made that decision. There might be an absolutely good reason for her doing this. Best to be upfront about it, than silently fume and potentially spoil the rest of the family’s experience on the day. If you still don’t agree, just don’t go and do something with your dd on the day itself, just the two of you.

That's awful and plain mean. She's 14. Not a toddler that could potentially be disruptive. I would refuse to go too.

I’m not sure what version an adult woman would have that would justify excluding a teenager.

her step mother might be a bitch - so exclude her.

her dad might have been a crap dad to her then reinvented himself as father of the year when he had his late in life family. So exclude him.

None of it is the 14 year old’s fault. She doesn’t have to be a bridesmaid - but a guest isn’t that big a deal when her parents and sisters are there.

That’s odd for her not to be invited.

@Nomoredamnmats

Easy.

Bride is your sister through daddy, but big sister isn't related to her at all, as she's mummy's daughter, so because this is a day for oldest sister to celebrate with her family, big sister won't be going.

There's no need to make a drama out of it.

Again, the bride is entitled to consider who she wants as her family.

A 14 year old is not going to be crying themselves to sleep over not being invited to the wedding of an adult she has no relationship with. It really isn't that big a deal.

The only person upset about this is the OP, for her own selfish reasons.

This is not about her.

Honestly, I can see perfectly well why the bride might not have wanted to invite the stepsister after the carry on by the OP over this wedding. There is no consideration from the OP at all towards the bride and why she might not see her stepsister as a member of this big close blended family the OP would like to believe they have. I would imagine this is part of a pattern of behaviour that the stepdaughter has had enough of dealing with.

The bride - for whatever reason - doesn't see her stepsister as family. That choice deserves to be respected. I would imagine the poor girl hasn't had many of her own needs and wishes respected over the course of her childhood and young adulthood with her parents both starting new families and expecting her to get on with it.

You expect her husband to prioritise his wife’s daughter other his own daughter just think about that for a moment.

The father of a child even if now adult should prioritise another man’s child over his own. Nope sorry never.

I have no idea if other children are invited . How would I be in a position to know that?

My husband does care that I am not going and is stunned by the decision his daughter has made and did challenge it. She said that they weren’t related and she was 14.

What he didn’t do is challenge it further. He would not do this to his daughter.

My daughter does not know that she hasn’t been invited.

My youngest daughters are nine and six. They are thrilled. I could not take this away from them, and my husband would not allow it.

Your husband has the same view as his daughter.

You’re invited as his wife. He wants you there as his wife. Your child not being invited doesn’t bother either of them he only briefly mentioned it for you.

This.