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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What do you wish people would stop romanticizing, because you’ve lived the reality of it?

1000 replies

HazelMaker · 18/04/2025 13:11

The 1990s

OP posts:
PowderMonkeys · 19/04/2025 14:31

godmum56 · 19/04/2025 13:52

The only thing I would say about being a writer is that in most cases, you don't have to do it. Its like people romanticising a wild garden like mine. It doesn't actually bother me that they talk about it as though its all drifting around in a floaty dress and a big hat or dressed like Monty Don because its my choice to have it and I consider the bone breaking mucky effort is worthwhile.

But you don’t ‘have to do’ anything, other than breathe and a few other rudimentary things. Writing and teaching writing is how I make my living, and as I said, I enjoy it, mostly. But the romanticised version of it I encounter on here, usually on threads about fantasy careers, bears zero resemblance to any actual writer’s reality, however successful. It’s like imagining nurses as kind-faced angels floating about smilingly holding hands with patients or vets as only ever bursting into the waiting room holding a miraculously-recovered cute pet.

The other thing about writing is that, unlike some other fantasy careers, it requires no qualifications, training, equipment etc to start writing. Anyone can grab ten minutes a day with a pen and notebook, or use the Notes facility on their phone. You can plan a novel on the bus, in a dull meeting, or on the school run. If it’s something you want to do, there’s literally nothing stopping you.

NW3Lady · 19/04/2025 14:35

PowderMonkeys · 19/04/2025 11:28

This made me smile because I always thought I’d like to live in Hampstead, in the unlikely event I ever move back to London. Good to have a bit of cold water dropped on that.

Honestly you’re not missing anything wonderful. People on here seem to assume we all live in massive houses. The reality is that the majority of houses are now flats with tatty and/or dated common parts, masses of stairs, no lifts, no off street parking. A lot of them are red brick which I find quite dingy. And they’re freezing as very hard to heat!

PowderMonkeys · 19/04/2025 14:37

godmum56 · 19/04/2025 14:28

I think that most of the things that have been posted are things that people couldn't avoid....like being unwell or disabled, being brought up in poverty etc; or things where its hard to get out of once you have started.....being pregnant/being a parent/being in certain jobs and so on.....but being a writer or, like me, having a wild garden is a complete choice. Unless they have an unbreakable contract, at any point a writer can say "no more". I could get up tomorrow morning and lay waste to my garden or sell the house and move into a flat. My point is if doing or not doing something is completely your choice then why would you care that people had a romanticised view of it?

I think you’re reading a different thread to the one I’m on. I recall people posting about living in Australia, having a hot tub, working in TV, camping, going to university, going on holiday with small children, eating out, having friends, living in Paris etc.

gotmyknickersinatwist · 19/04/2025 14:39

OhWhistle · 19/04/2025 14:20

Sand
I don't like sand

Hate the stuff.
I don't relate to the romantic vision of strolling along a sandy beach, or a trip to the seaside at all.
The gritty bastarding stuff gets everywhere, especially my dogs' long coats.

PowderMonkeys · 19/04/2025 14:44

NW3Lady · 19/04/2025 14:35

Honestly you’re not missing anything wonderful. People on here seem to assume we all live in massive houses. The reality is that the majority of houses are now flats with tatty and/or dated common parts, masses of stairs, no lifts, no off street parking. A lot of them are red brick which I find quite dingy. And they’re freezing as very hard to heat!

I think the Heath just saved my sanity when I had an unsleeping newborn and was hallucinating I was so tired. I used to take the bus to Highgate with him in an pushchair, and then walk down to get on the Overground at Gospel Oak, and I swear the Kenwood Rembrandt felt like a friend!

NW3Lady · 19/04/2025 14:44

Oxbridge

It’s constant work, constant essays, constant deadlines and there’s nowhere to hide in a 1:1 tutorial when you haven’t done any reading. For most courses the syllabus is archaic, dreary and irrelevant and there are loads of silly pointless traditions. The night life is rubbish compared to many other unis and it doesn’t even open many doors in these days where top companies are more interested in assessment centres and e-tray exercises. Some employers are even prejudiced against it.

PowderMonkeys · 19/04/2025 14:59

NW3Lady · 19/04/2025 14:44

Oxbridge

It’s constant work, constant essays, constant deadlines and there’s nowhere to hide in a 1:1 tutorial when you haven’t done any reading. For most courses the syllabus is archaic, dreary and irrelevant and there are loads of silly pointless traditions. The night life is rubbish compared to many other unis and it doesn’t even open many doors in these days where top companies are more interested in assessment centres and e-tray exercises. Some employers are even prejudiced against it.

Oh, I had a great time at Oxford, even as a prole at one of the grander colleges which was awash with formal hall and odd traditions! It’s definitely not for everyone, though, and the Brideshead-y romanticising of it is a bit mad.

(I always did the reading, though, and I still think that learning how to assimilate a lot of complex information, order it, and write under pressure to a deadline is one of the most useful skills I’ve ever acquired.)

ToWhitToWhoo · 19/04/2025 15:05

NW3Lady · 19/04/2025 14:44

Oxbridge

It’s constant work, constant essays, constant deadlines and there’s nowhere to hide in a 1:1 tutorial when you haven’t done any reading. For most courses the syllabus is archaic, dreary and irrelevant and there are loads of silly pointless traditions. The night life is rubbish compared to many other unis and it doesn’t even open many doors in these days where top companies are more interested in assessment centres and e-tray exercises. Some employers are even prejudiced against it.

While I wouldn't go as far as you- I think that the tutorial system is excellent for those to whom it's suited, and the libraries and other facilities are good- I do get very irritated by the Brideshead Revisited/ Saltburn type of romanticism. It's not a museum of tradition, or a glamour centre for those who are or wish to be super-rich; and the purpose is study, not attending balls and the like. Some people may attend balls and enjoy them, but that is not the main 'Oxbridge experience'!

godmum56 · 19/04/2025 15:10

" I still think that learning how to assimilate a lot of complex information, order it, and write under pressure to a deadline is one of the most useful skills I’ve ever acquired.)"
Regardless of how you learn it THIS in spades.

canthavethatonethen · 19/04/2025 15:14

Living in a cosy grade 2 country cottage with roses round the door, chickens in the yard, ponies in a paddock with a babbling brook running through it, and a lovely orchard full of fruit trees.

The reality is that the rats are massive, the huge quantities of fruit attract a million wasps, the brook floods and turns the paddock into a quagmire, the ponies cost a bloody fortune, you're not on mains drainage or utilities and all that costs a fortune as well, the chickens get eaten by foxes, the chimney gets blocked by jackdaw nests, and the house is irredeemably cold and damp, even in August. Oh, and you can't so much as put a shelf up without getting listed building consent from the council.

NeedToChangeName · 19/04/2025 15:16

The freedom and independence of being single is overrated. I was v lonely and it was hard at times

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 19/04/2025 15:33

EdithBond · 18/04/2025 14:03

Ha! My childhood.

All of us going down with diarrhoea and sickness in Totnes was a low point. I was on top bunk, aimed for the floor but instead puked over my sister.

The final straw (as a young teen) was helping dad do a three point turn (with caravan attached) on the Gower Peninsula while he had a furious row with mum about her navigating. The tailback it caused was reported on local radio.

I’m sorry but I did laugh at this! I’m sure it wasn’t funny at the time.

TokyoKyoto · 19/04/2025 15:36

Weddings. It's such a grift, that industry. All you do is spend. That includes the guests, usually. And then people get upset if you don't play along. I am a big fan of marriage but I don't enjoy very many weddings tbh and I don't think all the couples do either.

TokyoKyoto · 19/04/2025 15:48

Going to university as the first person in your working class family.

  • very intensive on your mental energy
  • most likely all anyone cared about was that you got a place; nobody talks to you about future careers so people often leave a bit rudderless
  • half your family think you're up yourself
  • the other half don't really care beyond being able to say you're there
  • so if you are struggling a bit you are on your own
  • your middle-class friends all get nice things from their families but yours never think to visit because they don't know that people do that sort of thing

I would not swap my experience for all the world and I'm really proud of myself, and they couldn't have known to keep checking in on me, they thought I was automatically just fine. Quite a hard time, looking back.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 19/04/2025 15:58

Definitely the absolute lie that your school days are your best years. Did a number on me as a person and I’ve never really recovered

Sheeparelooseagain · 19/04/2025 15:59

Having a living child when your first was stillborn.

I had people saying how happy I must feel when yes I was happy but I felt scared that something would happen to this one and sad about my first child.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 19/04/2025 16:10

CharloMoulin · 18/04/2025 15:45

Sweaty underboobs

What?? Not one person would romanticise that! I’ve noticed that you’ve given a few responses on this thread and whilst they are all obviously things you aren’t happy with (for good reason), in the main, they aren’t things anyone would romanticise.

OhWhistle · 19/04/2025 16:23

Being carried
I don't want to be carried
Put me down

PowderMonkeys · 19/04/2025 16:25

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 19/04/2025 15:58

Definitely the absolute lie that your school days are your best years. Did a number on me as a person and I’ve never really recovered

I’m always really interested in what that says about the person saying it — it’s quite tragic, when you think about it. That their best years were past by the time they were 17 ish? The person I remember saying it was my second school geography teacher, who clearly absolutely loathed his job, too…

bringincrazyback · 19/04/2025 16:26

TokyoKyoto · 19/04/2025 15:48

Going to university as the first person in your working class family.

  • very intensive on your mental energy
  • most likely all anyone cared about was that you got a place; nobody talks to you about future careers so people often leave a bit rudderless
  • half your family think you're up yourself
  • the other half don't really care beyond being able to say you're there
  • so if you are struggling a bit you are on your own
  • your middle-class friends all get nice things from their families but yours never think to visit because they don't know that people do that sort of thing

I would not swap my experience for all the world and I'm really proud of myself, and they couldn't have known to keep checking in on me, they thought I was automatically just fine. Quite a hard time, looking back.

Absolutely this! I was in the same position and it had a lot to do with the struggles I had at uni which I referred to upthread. As well as the social difficulties I mentioned (many of which were not helped by the snobbery of some of the more MC students around me), I had all this supercharged expectation and vicarious excitement coming from my family into the bargain. There was so much pressure to excel.

And 'rudderless' is a perfect way to describe how it can feel emerging from uni with a degree and having everyone expect you to fly high but not having a clear direction, or even necessarily wanting a degree-level job or to move away from one's home area. (The latter was a biggie for me as I loved the area I grew up in but it didn't have many career opportunities.) Careers advice at uni was shit and there was literally no mention any of the fields I was considering in any of their so-called profiling exercises, and no internet at the time so researching them for myself was a lot harder than it would be now.

The irony is that what of most of what I ended up doing for a living doesn't even call for a degree, it's more of a 'hands-on experience plus natural aptitude' kind of thing, so although I don't entirely regret uni, I'm far from being unequivocally glad I went.

bringincrazyback · 19/04/2025 16:30

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 19/04/2025 15:58

Definitely the absolute lie that your school days are your best years. Did a number on me as a person and I’ve never really recovered

Yep. I was bullied at school, kept most of it from my parents and throughout all this my dad kept informing me I was living 'the best days of my life'. No bloody way, and he later went on to say it about uni, where I was very unhappy a lot of the time. Thankfully my mum had a more pragmatic view and was able to balance things out by reassuring me that school days are very often not the best days at all.

Midnightlove · 19/04/2025 16:32

JaneJeffer · 18/04/2025 13:22

Winter

This!! I hate everything about it

JHound · 19/04/2025 16:35

KimberleyClark · 19/04/2025 12:18

It was not mine either,but there is some excellent advice upthread “don’t waste the life you have thinking about the one you wanted”.

Oh I try not to!

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 19/04/2025 16:40

Snoringsboring · 18/04/2025 19:52

Less discerning taste buds or do you possess an exceptional talent at picking good restaurants? If the latter, you should consider monetising that talent because your experience is not usual!

Suspect it may depend a lot on where you live. We have a lot of good independent pub restaurants not far from us. On the whole, chain restaurants are pretty disappointing for what you pay as essentially the food is reheated or fried rather than made from scratch.

Abracadabra12345 · 19/04/2025 16:51

pictoosh · 18/04/2025 14:05

Skincare.

A baffling aray of increasingly expensive products that have no hope of stopping the aging process or changing your genetic make up. But keep trying.

I so agree. It was a relief when the penny dropped (and the £££)

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