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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end relationship over female friend?

102 replies

Oneoffonesiepop · 17/04/2025 05:47

Long story short, I have a real issue with one of my partners female friends.
He does have others who don't bother me, so this isn't simply an irrational jealousy (although for full transparency, he has cheated in the past. We have worked on things to rebuild trust and move forward, but there is probably still an underlying layer of distrust and insecurity).
Anyway, this specific friend, in my opinion, oversteps boundaries, which makes me very uncomfortable - and on top of that, I feel my partner isn't doing enough to assert any. Currently she lives 3 hours away so we rarely see her, however we were out for food and drinks about 2 years ago and bumped into her as she was back visiting family, she ran over to him from behind, wrapped her arms around him and shoved her tongue down his ear. I was pretty taken back because, well... What the fuck? We're all late 30s. She's married with 3 young children.
That night she proceeded to tell me how she used to be partners favourite, that I'll 'never change him', and other bizarre things that I simply could not imagine saying to a male friend's partner.
For context I have male friend's and aside from the odd hug on greeting, we don't touch each other at all. She sat next to him the whole night and couldn't keep her hands off him. I felt like the third wheel.
When we left that night I confronted him, said how uncomfortable I felt and asked if there was some history between them that I'm not privvy to, which he denied and told me I've got it all wrong, she meant nothing by it. Generally quite dismissive.
Since then if ever her name pops up on his phone I see red. He is aware how I feel but continues to keep in touch with her.
I know I will probably be told, they were friends before you etc, and that I cannot enforce him ending their friendship. I agree. I cannot and should not enforce it. However, if the shoe was on the other foot and a male friend was inappropriate with me like that, I would absolutely tell them how disrespectful their behaviour came across and I would naturally distance myself from the friendship.
Partner has agreed not to see this friend 121, but he is still in regular contact via messages.
Recently my need for answers got the better of me and I snooped on his phone (please be kind).
She seems to be the one insisting all of the conversations, and she messages him random pictures of herself - nothing provocative, but her with a facemask on or a glass of wine.
She often puts herself down, saying how much weight she's gained etc. I find it odd how often she brings up her personal appearance and it feels as though she's looking for validation from DP.
The most recent message involved DP telling her that he'd recently bought a holiday home, and her first response was 'the two of us should go'.
In his defence he did not reply to that part of the message, and just continued the conversation in another direction (general chit chat).
I am rarely mentioned in any messages at all, although we have been together 3 years and are due to be moving in together soon. She never asks about me, she seems to often be trying to suggest ways she can get him on her own, and frequently attempting to get affirmations from DP.
I am really starting to get quite upset by all of this. On the one hand, he does keep the chat light-hearted and I don't feel like he engages in her inappropriate behaviour, however on the other hand he also hadn't asserted any boundaries and I am concerned how she would be with him if I wasn't there.
I'm not really sure how to proceed - I haven't told him I looked at the messages as it will likely cause a huge blow up, but I also cannot shake this gut feeling that something is off about the whole thing, and it's making me feel quite anxious now about us moving in together. Is she going to be that buzzing fly around us for the rest of our lives together? She is planning to move back to our area this year so I anticipate this will ramp up 500% when she does. We share a lot of the same friends so likely will be more tongue-in-the-ear bump intos. Plus she will be on his case to see him regularly I suspect.
Please be kind, as I'm not sleeping well because of this. I do struggle with anxiety and this is something I'm ruminating on a lot.
AIBU?

OP posts:
GiroJim100 · 17/04/2025 05:57

Sounds like he’s done nothing wrong. This woman is clearly rather handsy. Maybe he could ask her to tone it down? You say about messsges between them. So you’ve been going through his phone then? Sounds more like toxic behaviour from you tbh.

malificent7 · 17/04/2025 06:04

She sounds dreadful tbh but are u sure you want to move in with a man who has been unfaithful in the past? No wonder you feel anxious.

autisticbookworm · 17/04/2025 06:06

I wouldn’t like it either but especially given his history. I’d expect him to distance himself from the friendship too. The fact that he dismissed your feelings is worrying, you should be the priority

Dogaredabomb · 17/04/2025 06:12

I think it's obvious that she fancies him and he likes the boost. The horrible thing is that he doesn't care that her behaviour is so gross, you're not imagining that, it's ott. I'd have looked at his phone too. I think you should ltb because he doesn't care that her behaviour upsets you.

SilverButton · 17/04/2025 06:16

The fact that this is all coming from her and he's not really responding is a big point in his favour. It sounds like he isn't interested in her, but he is enjoying the attention. I wouldn't be happy about this either OP, but as he hasn't done anything "wrong", and he's agreed not to see here 121, and you can't tell him you've seen the messages, I'm not sure what you can do about it really. It doesn't sound like he's cheating with her or wants to.

Elasticatedtrousers · 17/04/2025 06:21

You’ve been together just three years and he’s already cheated.

He clearly doesn’t ‘fancy’ this one enough to respond in a way she’d like, but his boundaries are poor if he’s continuing such frequent contact when you’ve said it makes you uncomfortable. Sounds like the work you say he’s done is minimal.

I wouldn’t be continuing this relationship.

Seagreensmokeyblue · 17/04/2025 06:26

If he has history for cheating and he is seriously trying to regain your trust then this behaviour is not acceptable.

He should be doing everything in his
power to behave in a trustworthy way and he is not doing that.

And I would assume if she is so familiar with him she sticks his tongue in his ear then yes they have a sexual relationship.

JoyousEagle · 17/04/2025 06:33

It sounds like you have full access to his messages? In which case I doubt anything is going on from his side.

But this man cheated on you already, and you’ve said (understandably!) that there is still a lack of trust. I’m not sure this is someone you want to be in a relationship with, regardless of this particular friend.

Neemie · 17/04/2025 06:33

The fact that he has cheated in the past is the main issue. I can’t see how you will ever trust him fully. After all, that is the rational response to a partner cheating. She sounds pretty awful and needy but he clearly likes the attention so keeps up with the chats.

Him liking attention from other women isn’t great for you. It doesn’t sound like he is cheating with her but what will he be like if someone less irritating, and more of a novelty, gives him attention? I don’t think you should have ‘worked on things’ when he cheated. After all, you weren’t living together so it would be a relatively to breakup. I think you should be trying to emotionally detach so that you can move on rather than committing to him further by moving in with him.

MarlyMet · 17/04/2025 06:34

GiroJim100 · 17/04/2025 05:57

Sounds like he’s done nothing wrong. This woman is clearly rather handsy. Maybe he could ask her to tone it down? You say about messsges between them. So you’ve been going through his phone then? Sounds more like toxic behaviour from you tbh.

She literally admits in the post that she’s gone through his phone so why then ask if she’s gone through his phone? Whether you agree with that or not, why ask something in a snooty way when it’s already been admitted and mentioned.

Nettleteaser101 · 17/04/2025 06:38

I think you should finish with him. He has cheated in the past and dosnt respect your feelings. Life is too short to be living on a knife edge. You should be happy and confident in your relationship and it sounds like your not. Get rid.💐

BigHeadBertha · 17/04/2025 06:40

So, this woman says and does inappropriate things and it seems clear she'd like to have an affair with him, if she hasn't/isn't already. You understandably don't like it, but he blows you off and continues regular private messages with her.

This is BS. It's not acceptable and his agreeing not to meet with her one on one isn't enough. Nor should you be grateful that he doesn't reply when she keeps trying to meet with him alone. He should not be in contact with her, period. He is blowing you off and allowing this woman to disrespect you. He does not have your back. Is this really how you want to spend your life being treated?

I would not. In my long marriage, if one of us feels like any outsider is crossing boundaries and says the word, that person is gone, end of story. No outsider is ever considered important enough to be allowed to come between us.

I think you should tell him you don't like his little friend and that he needs to get rid of her or you'll get rid of him. Why? Because YOU don't like her, which should be reason enough, in my book. Then do it. There's really no future in tolerating that kind of crap and his track record is poor. My feeling from what you've said is that he doesn't show enough respect to you and that this is unlikely to change, especially if you tolerate it. Good luck to you.

Sevenamcoffee · 17/04/2025 06:42

I don’t understand the high horses about going through phone. He’s cheated before. I’d be looking too and the partner should really understand this.

ExtraOnions · 17/04/2025 06:49

He’s already cheated
You don’t trust him
You are violating his trust by going through his phone

If she wasn’t in the picture you would find something / someone else to be insecure about, because ultimately your relationship has shakey foundations

You saw her once, on a night out, years ago. She had probably had a few drinks. The messages are a bit “meh”, mostly fairly neutral.

You are focussing all your anger on her, but she’s no real threat … you are more reacting to your partners previous behaviour.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 17/04/2025 06:50

I wouldn't be with someone who had cheated on me, and I certainly wouldn't be considering moving in wwith them.
That said, you are of a more forgiving spirit, but you are right to be wary.
From your post, he is trying to keep her at arm's length, but she keeps trying. However, why share that he has bought a holiday home (bit bizarre, are you involved in this purchse? Have you considered/discussed the financial side of co-habiting, esp given his previous form)?
You both should sit down and duiscuss their relationship before you make any decisions. He's not going to stop being friends with her, but when she moves closer to you, your anxiety will be sky high and will affect your relationship.
Tricky. But be confident beforexyou commit to joint stuff

Agix · 17/04/2025 06:52

He has done something wrong by not telling this woman to stop suggesting private holidays away together.

She can do what she wants. She's nothing to do with your OP. Your main concern is how your parter is acting.

Sounds to me like he's keeping her as an option. He doesn't want to put her off or tell her to stop, incase he does want to take her up on it some time.

BigHeadBertha · 17/04/2025 06:53

Sevenamcoffee · 17/04/2025 06:42

I don’t understand the high horses about going through phone. He’s cheated before. I’d be looking too and the partner should really understand this.

I totally agree.

Blackkittenfluff · 17/04/2025 06:54

I'd bin him for sure.
He cheated on you.

BigHeadBertha · 17/04/2025 06:55

Agix · 17/04/2025 06:52

He has done something wrong by not telling this woman to stop suggesting private holidays away together.

She can do what she wants. She's nothing to do with your OP. Your main concern is how your parter is acting.

Sounds to me like he's keeping her as an option. He doesn't want to put her off or tell her to stop, incase he does want to take her up on it some time.

I don't agree that this other woman can do whatever she wants, or at least she has no automatic right to do whatever she wants unchecked. If it was my partner, I'd be having a conversation with her, if not with her husband. There's certainly no reason OP needs to meekly step aside while this woman sticks her tongue in OP's partner's ear and tries to get him to meet with her alone.

However, yes, OP's MAIN problem is her partner. A partner worth having wouldn't put OP in this position in the first place.

ThriveIn2025 · 17/04/2025 07:00

He’s enjoying your anxiety over this because you cannot prove anything or demand anything without looking crazy. It gives him all the power.

Personally I’d give an ultimatum. Given his history he’s on shaky ground anyway. He should be doing whatever it takes to keep you. The fact he isn’t is the red flag. Sounds a lot like he’s not that into you. Sorry OP.

SALaw · 17/04/2025 07:03

She said you’ll never change him and he cheated on you, so maybe you should have heeded her warning?!

goldenretrieverenergy · 17/04/2025 07:03

She is not behaving like a friend, but I think the real issue is that your partner has cheated in the past and you don’t trust him anymore.

Skibbidirizzohio · 17/04/2025 07:05

The worse thing about this is not her. It’s that he’s not taking your (perfectly valid) feelings into consideration. And yes it will get worse once she moves closer.

you’ve only been together 3 years and he’s already cheated ☹️

Didimum · 17/04/2025 07:07

Is this man really the best you can do, OP? A cheater (sorry, very likely more than once, he just got caught once), who laps up disrespectful behaviour from other women? It’s sounds like an awfully sad thing to accept in the one life you get.

LyingSmilingInTheDark · 17/04/2025 07:13

Oneoffonesiepop · 17/04/2025 05:47

Long story short, I have a real issue with one of my partners female friends.
He does have others who don't bother me, so this isn't simply an irrational jealousy (although for full transparency, he has cheated in the past. We have worked on things to rebuild trust and move forward, but there is probably still an underlying layer of distrust and insecurity).
Anyway, this specific friend, in my opinion, oversteps boundaries, which makes me very uncomfortable - and on top of that, I feel my partner isn't doing enough to assert any. Currently she lives 3 hours away so we rarely see her, however we were out for food and drinks about 2 years ago and bumped into her as she was back visiting family, she ran over to him from behind, wrapped her arms around him and shoved her tongue down his ear. I was pretty taken back because, well... What the fuck? We're all late 30s. She's married with 3 young children.
That night she proceeded to tell me how she used to be partners favourite, that I'll 'never change him', and other bizarre things that I simply could not imagine saying to a male friend's partner.
For context I have male friend's and aside from the odd hug on greeting, we don't touch each other at all. She sat next to him the whole night and couldn't keep her hands off him. I felt like the third wheel.
When we left that night I confronted him, said how uncomfortable I felt and asked if there was some history between them that I'm not privvy to, which he denied and told me I've got it all wrong, she meant nothing by it. Generally quite dismissive.
Since then if ever her name pops up on his phone I see red. He is aware how I feel but continues to keep in touch with her.
I know I will probably be told, they were friends before you etc, and that I cannot enforce him ending their friendship. I agree. I cannot and should not enforce it. However, if the shoe was on the other foot and a male friend was inappropriate with me like that, I would absolutely tell them how disrespectful their behaviour came across and I would naturally distance myself from the friendship.
Partner has agreed not to see this friend 121, but he is still in regular contact via messages.
Recently my need for answers got the better of me and I snooped on his phone (please be kind).
She seems to be the one insisting all of the conversations, and she messages him random pictures of herself - nothing provocative, but her with a facemask on or a glass of wine.
She often puts herself down, saying how much weight she's gained etc. I find it odd how often she brings up her personal appearance and it feels as though she's looking for validation from DP.
The most recent message involved DP telling her that he'd recently bought a holiday home, and her first response was 'the two of us should go'.
In his defence he did not reply to that part of the message, and just continued the conversation in another direction (general chit chat).
I am rarely mentioned in any messages at all, although we have been together 3 years and are due to be moving in together soon. She never asks about me, she seems to often be trying to suggest ways she can get him on her own, and frequently attempting to get affirmations from DP.
I am really starting to get quite upset by all of this. On the one hand, he does keep the chat light-hearted and I don't feel like he engages in her inappropriate behaviour, however on the other hand he also hadn't asserted any boundaries and I am concerned how she would be with him if I wasn't there.
I'm not really sure how to proceed - I haven't told him I looked at the messages as it will likely cause a huge blow up, but I also cannot shake this gut feeling that something is off about the whole thing, and it's making me feel quite anxious now about us moving in together. Is she going to be that buzzing fly around us for the rest of our lives together? She is planning to move back to our area this year so I anticipate this will ramp up 500% when she does. We share a lot of the same friends so likely will be more tongue-in-the-ear bump intos. Plus she will be on his case to see him regularly I suspect.
Please be kind, as I'm not sleeping well because of this. I do struggle with anxiety and this is something I'm ruminating on a lot.
AIBU?

He's cheated on you (in the space of only 3 years!), dismissed your feelings and entertains inappropriate behaviour (presumably for his own ego kibbles).

What are you still doing with him?

Being in this relationship generally is making you anxious and unhappy.

Being with him is making your life worse.

It's honestly that simple.

Get rid before you entangle your lives further.

Wishing you luck and freedom!