To end relationship over female friend?

[Oneoffonesiepop]

Long story short, I have a real issue with one of my partners female friends.
He does have others who don't bother me, so this isn't simply an irrational jealousy (although for full transparency, he has cheated in the past. We have worked on things to rebuild trust and move forward, but there is probably still an underlying layer of distrust and insecurity).
Anyway, this specific friend, in my opinion, oversteps boundaries, which makes me very uncomfortable - and on top of that, I feel my partner isn't doing enough to assert any. Currently she lives 3 hours away so we rarely see her, however we were out for food and drinks about 2 years ago and bumped into her as she was back visiting family, she ran over to him from behind, wrapped her arms around him and shoved her tongue down his ear. I was pretty taken back because, well... What the fuck? We're all late 30s. She's married with 3 young children.
That night she proceeded to tell me how she used to be partners favourite, that I'll 'never change him', and other bizarre things that I simply could not imagine saying to a male friend's partner.
For context I have male friend's and aside from the odd hug on greeting, we don't touch each other at all. She sat next to him the whole night and couldn't keep her hands off him. I felt like the third wheel.
When we left that night I confronted him, said how uncomfortable I felt and asked if there was some history between them that I'm not privvy to, which he denied and told me I've got it all wrong, she meant nothing by it. Generally quite dismissive.
Since then if ever her name pops up on his phone I see red. He is aware how I feel but continues to keep in touch with her.
I know I will probably be told, they were friends before you etc, and that I cannot enforce him ending their friendship. I agree. I cannot and should not enforce it. However, if the shoe was on the other foot and a male friend was inappropriate with me like that, I would absolutely tell them how disrespectful their behaviour came across and I would naturally distance myself from the friendship.
Partner has agreed not to see this friend 121, but he is still in regular contact via messages.
Recently my need for answers got the better of me and I snooped on his phone (please be kind).
She seems to be the one insisting all of the conversations, and she messages him random pictures of herself - nothing provocative, but her with a facemask on or a glass of wine.
She often puts herself down, saying how much weight she's gained etc. I find it odd how often she brings up her personal appearance and it feels as though she's looking for validation from DP.
The most recent message involved DP telling her that he'd recently bought a holiday home, and her first response was 'the two of us should go'.
In his defence he did not reply to that part of the message, and just continued the conversation in another direction (general chit chat).
I am rarely mentioned in any messages at all, although we have been together 3 years and are due to be moving in together soon. She never asks about me, she seems to often be trying to suggest ways she can get him on her own, and frequently attempting to get affirmations from DP.
I am really starting to get quite upset by all of this. On the one hand, he does keep the chat light-hearted and I don't feel like he engages in her inappropriate behaviour, however on the other hand he also hadn't asserted any boundaries and I am concerned how she would be with him if I wasn't there.
I'm not really sure how to proceed - I haven't told him I looked at the messages as it will likely cause a huge blow up, but I also cannot shake this gut feeling that something is off about the whole thing, and it's making me feel quite anxious now about us moving in together. Is she going to be that buzzing fly around us for the rest of our lives together? She is planning to move back to our area this year so I anticipate this will ramp up 500% when she does. We share a lot of the same friends so likely will be more tongue-in-the-ear bump intos. Plus she will be on his case to see him regularly I suspect.
Please be kind, as I'm not sleeping well because of this. I do struggle with anxiety and this is something I'm ruminating on a lot.
AIBU?

Honestly you lost me with the ‘he has cheated in the past’. You clearly don’t trust this bloke and likely never will fully again. He’s entertaining a friendship that makes you uncomfortable because you’re worried he’s going to shag her. Relationships like this are doomed.

When we come to discussing plans in May do I just tell him I've changed my mind about moving in together for now? Do I mention this friend and admit to going on his phone? Do I just end it then?
We've just booked a holiday for next year, and I know that's not the be all and end all. But I'm now wondering about it all.

Literally any reason is a valid reason to end a relationship.

She's not in prison.

She's unhappy and this is not what she wants in a partner.

Somebody might put up with it, or be happy about it. Totally irrelevant.

@Oneoffonesiepop i don’t think this is your anxiety . All your concerns are understandable .
He’s cheated .
He has a friend who he won’t set boundaries with .
She is moving back and the attention she craves will be just like you imagine . She will ruin your relationship and he will let her .
It’s a strange set up and you need to talk to him about it .
I’d speak my concerns about moving in and her moving back .
Then watch how it plans out . If he doesn’t out any distances between himself and her then you end it .
i also agree with what if he did fancy her.

I think your gut is creaming at you it’s all wrong . Maybe the relationship has came to its natural end as the foundation is weak with cheating .

I wouldn't mention going in his phone - the conversation will be derailed as he tries to turn it back on you.

I wouldn't actually have a conversation (for which read: negotiation) about this at all. You need to decide within yourself whether you actually want to be on this relationship under these terms (because the terms will never actually change) or not, and act decisively and accordingly.

Good luck.

He has already cheated, so you shouldn’t be surprised if you find yourself anxious about other women. I feel sorry for this woman’s poor DH tbh.

If I felt as you do I wouldn't be making any plans for the future.
Start seeing things as they are rather than how you want them to be.
You're only 3 years in and already having serious doubts.
Will you still be checking his phone in 10 years when the kids have gone to bed?
Is that the future you want?

Someone who cheated can't realistically expect to be trusted by their partner ever again. On what grounds could they? It's hardly insecurity not to trust someone who definitively broke your trust.

That’s pretty much what I was trying to say. She should decide what she wants for herself, not allow this silly attention seeker to cloud her judgement before she works that out for herself.

Have you come a long way? 2 years on you’re stewing about what she did and you’ve been fixated on the messages. You haven’t really trusted him, and still don’t. The fact she is moving back means she will be in his life in person and you’re afraid he will cheat.

You’re focusing on what he did do and not what he didn’t. You’re making excuses for his behaviour (we were on/off, he just moved conversation on etc.) He did gloss over her dodgy messages, but he didn’t shut her down. This is because he likes having her on the hook. This will amplify when she is nearby. He did cheat, you were in a relationship and he chose to sleep with another woman.

You’re with him for 3 years but you don’t know how to have a conversation with him about this, you are afraid it might end your relationship. That’s not a good basis to be avoiding discussions. By 3 years if you’d come a long way you would be able to say “it’s her or me” and he would choose you.

Ultimately, I think this relationship is doomed.

he has cheated in the past

You can end a relationship for whatever reason you like, and THAT should have been the reason.

This woman does sound inappropriate, and I usually defend male-female friendships. But why on earth are you seeing red because of her, monitoring messages and generally driving yourself crazy when your partner has already given you an even more obvious reason to leave? No matter how inappropriate she is, you can't dictate whether he should have contact with her. But he cheated on you so there's just no need to make THIS the headfuck. Leave him already!

Without trust, a relationship will not survive. It isn’t insecurity not to trust partner who has cheated, but if you choose not to do that, your best course of action is to leave.

Once the trust is gone you'll see this all through the relationship unfortunately. I tried very hard with a guy who had lied to me several times to ignore a woman who messaged all hours of day and night - who he was always there for and had given her large amounts of £ - but I couldn't ignore the feeling in the pit of my stomach. It is sad as sometimes I think the woman knows they are being OTT but if the man lets them do this and scare off partners then that is their choice to keep them in their lives. They get the support of a LTR from the absent/married woman without having to take any responsibility. The issue is the trust has gone and you'll tie yourself in knots if he lets women act like this around him.

He doesn’t get the right of getting to choose a female friend who chooses to touch him up and stick her tongue on him. He lost that right when he cheated on you.

Oh I agree - I think it's a one-way ticket to destroying your own self-esteem to stay with a cheat. It's just frustrating seeing some people criticise the OP for having a lack of trust or apparently displaying insecurity, when I don't believe not trusting someone who has betrayed you is insecurity, just sensible. I guess what I mean is I don't think it's possible to genuinely trust that person again, so it's unrealistic to ask that of OP. I also think she should have left.

OP I think most people would be unsettled if a “friend” of their partner behaved in this way. It’s an infringement of boundaries and appropriate behaviour. If they do that in front of you, what are they doing behind your back?
generally it sounds like this man doesn’t make you feel safe and secure in your relationship. You are still fairly early days at the moment, these things tend to only get worse further down the line. Imagine being married to him with his baby and he’s getting lots of messages and attention from this woman or another woman, not drawing appropriate boundaries around himself as a married man. That’s where this is heading to, a lifetime of looking over your shoulder.
Think very carefully about moving in with him. I couldn’t tolerate it to be honest. If he cheats at the start during the honeymoon period then he’s shown his true colours in my opinion.

This is the wrong (and controlling) way to look at it. He has the right to do whatever he pleases and be friends with whomever he chooses.

OP has the right to leave the relationship if she chooses, and it's baffling why she didn't do so when he cheated.

DH had a longstanding female friend when we met, I never gave it a moments thought, we both have friends of the opposite sex. However when her marriage broke down things changed. She lives too far away for meet ups, but she became super demanding of DHs time, wanting to speak to him.all the time but if she called when I was around she'd suggest talking later which seemed odd. DH did nothing wrong and became irritated, so he started to delay responses and try to cool things down. It came to a head when she threw a fit that he'd not called her back - we were on a family holiday overseas which she was fully aware of. After that DH ended the friendship more directly just saying he couldn't be the friend she wanted him to be and it's not fun anymore. She responded blaming me for not being comfortable with female friendships after which he blocked her.

Men and women absolutely can be just friends but some women are needy, toxic and just out to cause drama - she sounds like one and yanbu. Talk to your partner about how it makes you feel, personally i think he should disengage at this point.

In his defence he’s not replied to anything, and in her defence if I fancied someone I wouldn’t stick my tongue in their ear - I’d do that to an old school friend.

I think people are being hasty. Keep checking the phone, don’t tell him. When it comes to moving in May, next time the conversation comes up I would say ‘I’m not doing this lightly you know, moving in with someone is a huge deal for me. I don’t want to waste the best years of my life if this isn’t for the long haul, and I do have concerns about Crazy Clare moving back, that night she was all over you hasn’t left my mind and let me tell you now, if there is something you haven’t told me or if there are lingering feelings there, I’m fucking gone. Like today. So you let me know what your plans are because if you think I’m staying in while you and Clare go out on the piss and stick tongues in each others orifices than you can think again. I’m not asking you not to be friends, but you need to respect ME and put me first and if she doesn’t tow the line and respect me as your partner, then I will cause the biggest shit storm and I’ll be gone, make sure she knows her fucking place ok? And if that makes you uncomfortable, let’s just stay how we are, not move in together and I’ll make a call in six months.

I have a lot of male friends and my number one rule is to never do anything that would make their wife or partner uncomfortable. That’s because I am a genuine friend, want to see my friends happy, and would never want to damage anyone’s relationship. I also make a point of being nice to the wife/partner. If his woman is not a real friend and he should be dealing with her inappropriate behaviour. She’s not going to stop. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being made uncomfortable by this and being told you’re silly for not being okay with it? I would not be moving in with him.

I agree with others you need to decide whether you can/want to continue this relationship before May. It sounds as though she'll always be in his life if she's part of his wider friendship group.

I can see where other posters are coming from that admitting you've gone through his phone might derail the conversation, but if you're feeling this doubtful and anxious about staying together, in a way what's to lose? Be upfront with him, give him specifics of behaviour that's bothering you, and see what he says. But if deep down you know that even if he did put boundaries in you'd still be insecure, just walk away now.

The beauty of having our own minds is that we can decide what's too much, or unacceptable behaviour, from others. But men like this make you doubt yourself and lose that strength. It's good to come here and hear other smart experienced women able to objectively tell you, he is a cheating loser who clearly loves the attention from a very rude woman who obviously has her own shit marriage situation that she's acting out about.

I truly think that when men are taken back after they've cheated, they lose even more repsce tfor you. You are worth so, so much more than this dickhead.

Imagine a life free of mistrust, without this weird woman trying to act like he's her property, a life where YOU are front and centre. Your wants and needs, your happiness. You can do it, if you want it.

The fact that you seem completely unable to communicate your needs clearly to him, and the fact that you seem to have stayed in a relationship with someone you don’t trust from some kind of sunk cost fallacy, are way more concerning than the behaviour of what seems a faintly silly woman.

Talk to him NOW. Tell him that you are hesitating about your future together because he doesn't seem to to have the same boundaries as you do as to what is appropriate and what is not. How would he like it if your male friend came over licking you and touching you non stop? He wouldn't like it.
See what he says and take it from there. Him cheating in the beginning would be it for me, this is just added layers to shady behaviour.

I'm not surprised that this is upsetting you, particularly given the history of him cheating. Two of my exes cheated on me and it's hideous. Your DP's friend doesn't seem to have any concept of boundaries either. I have two very close friends who are guys - we've known each other since we were 10yrs old (and we're in our 40s now), our families have been friends for decades. I regard them with the same sort affection that I would my own brothers. Not once have I ever done the things that she has done, or overstepped any boundaries: I have too much respect for them/their partners/spouses, for myself, and for the friendship we have. They also have never overstepped any boundaries or been inappropriate.

One guy is married, and I'm very close friends with his wife (in fact she and I meet up/chat and see each other more often - she's one of my best friends!). Their DC and mine are good friends. Years before when they had just started seeing each other, I was on my own with DS. My DFriend would swing by on an evening and we'd have a takeaway, watch a movie or play some PS games and catch up at mine (DS was a baby and I couldn't get out much!). I asked DF then to check this was ok, as I didn't want her to be worried about things. We all met up and everything was ok: she and I hit it off and became firm friends. Had it not been ok for her, I wouldn't have met up with him like that. The other guy doesn't live locally, and is single but we message occasionally and meet up every so often (due to differing work schedules/life etc). For both, there is nothing in our messages that would suggest we are anything other than just friends. One of my older brother's best mates is a lady he has known since they started secondary school together - they're now 60yrs old!! Again, purely friends and nothing more. It can be done, but people need to be respectful of boundaries.

I don't think your DP is putting in boundaries at all, and I don't think that is right. I'd be having a word with him - and unless he can show without doubt that he is capable of putting in appropriate boundaries, I'd certainly not be moving in with him!