To end relationship over female friend?

[Oneoffonesiepop]

Long story short, I have a real issue with one of my partners female friends.
He does have others who don't bother me, so this isn't simply an irrational jealousy (although for full transparency, he has cheated in the past. We have worked on things to rebuild trust and move forward, but there is probably still an underlying layer of distrust and insecurity).
Anyway, this specific friend, in my opinion, oversteps boundaries, which makes me very uncomfortable - and on top of that, I feel my partner isn't doing enough to assert any. Currently she lives 3 hours away so we rarely see her, however we were out for food and drinks about 2 years ago and bumped into her as she was back visiting family, she ran over to him from behind, wrapped her arms around him and shoved her tongue down his ear. I was pretty taken back because, well... What the fuck? We're all late 30s. She's married with 3 young children.
That night she proceeded to tell me how she used to be partners favourite, that I'll 'never change him', and other bizarre things that I simply could not imagine saying to a male friend's partner.
For context I have male friend's and aside from the odd hug on greeting, we don't touch each other at all. She sat next to him the whole night and couldn't keep her hands off him. I felt like the third wheel.
When we left that night I confronted him, said how uncomfortable I felt and asked if there was some history between them that I'm not privvy to, which he denied and told me I've got it all wrong, she meant nothing by it. Generally quite dismissive.
Since then if ever her name pops up on his phone I see red. He is aware how I feel but continues to keep in touch with her.
I know I will probably be told, they were friends before you etc, and that I cannot enforce him ending their friendship. I agree. I cannot and should not enforce it. However, if the shoe was on the other foot and a male friend was inappropriate with me like that, I would absolutely tell them how disrespectful their behaviour came across and I would naturally distance myself from the friendship.
Partner has agreed not to see this friend 121, but he is still in regular contact via messages.
Recently my need for answers got the better of me and I snooped on his phone (please be kind).
She seems to be the one insisting all of the conversations, and she messages him random pictures of herself - nothing provocative, but her with a facemask on or a glass of wine.
She often puts herself down, saying how much weight she's gained etc. I find it odd how often she brings up her personal appearance and it feels as though she's looking for validation from DP.
The most recent message involved DP telling her that he'd recently bought a holiday home, and her first response was 'the two of us should go'.
In his defence he did not reply to that part of the message, and just continued the conversation in another direction (general chit chat).
I am rarely mentioned in any messages at all, although we have been together 3 years and are due to be moving in together soon. She never asks about me, she seems to often be trying to suggest ways she can get him on her own, and frequently attempting to get affirmations from DP.
I am really starting to get quite upset by all of this. On the one hand, he does keep the chat light-hearted and I don't feel like he engages in her inappropriate behaviour, however on the other hand he also hadn't asserted any boundaries and I am concerned how she would be with him if I wasn't there.
I'm not really sure how to proceed - I haven't told him I looked at the messages as it will likely cause a huge blow up, but I also cannot shake this gut feeling that something is off about the whole thing, and it's making me feel quite anxious now about us moving in together. Is she going to be that buzzing fly around us for the rest of our lives together? She is planning to move back to our area this year so I anticipate this will ramp up 500% when she does. We share a lot of the same friends so likely will be more tongue-in-the-ear bump intos. Plus she will be on his case to see him regularly I suspect.
Please be kind, as I'm not sleeping well because of this. I do struggle with anxiety and this is something I'm ruminating on a lot.
AIBU?

Qi wouldn’t want to be with someone I didn’t trust…anf felt I had to go through their phone. It sounds like the OPs insecurities are playing out. It sounds exhausting.

I don’t think this man is ever going to make you feel secure, the trust has completely gone, and you are now spending your life looking over your shoulder. It’s no way to live op.

Tricky. It does not sound like anything more is going to happen or anything is going on. So i wouldn't be worried on that front.

But I would be pissed off that with a history of cheating he's not doing anything to get her to back off at all. He should be doing everything he can to reassure you. And that she was clearly marking her territory and he didn't seem to care. And what does it say about the next time someone tries it on with him, where there is a spark or some attraction, if he doesn't clearly shut this kind of thing down?

The cheating is what’s causing your issues - not the female friend.

You simply don’t trust him and instead of focusing on his misdemeanours, you’re putting it all on her instead.

So you were together for a year or less when he cheated?

Then you bumped into this women 2 YEARS ago and have been stewing on it and fuming every time her name pops up on his phone?

& you’ve only been together 3 years? So almost the entire 3 years has been him cheating and you dealing with the fallout from that and then stewing over this friend? Sounds miserable. I don’t know why you’d want to continue this relationship & I definitely don’t know why you’d want to move in with him. Your body is screaming at you not to do it.

Others might disagree but I believe if you can’t be faithful you forgo the privilege of having opposite sex friends. That’s for trustworthy people.

She clearly still thinks he is available to her, and she might be one of many. There is no way I would tolerate this.

You don’t trust him OP. She is 3 hrs away, he has agreed not to see her alone and you are going through his phone.

why put yourself through all this anxiety.

I think it’s more that I think if I felt like I needed to go through someone’s phone to make sure they won’t cheat, there’s just no point in the relationship.

You should end the relationship because he’s a cheat and won’t ever change. This woman is irrelevant.

You have a partner problem.

I 100% agree that this woman is crossing lines. But your partner should be proactively defending his relationship and calling out her behaviour as inappropriate and he is choosing not to do that.

Thats not true. Op has clearly outlined the trust issues she has around the boyfriend.

However it is inappropriate to stick your tongue in someone’s boyfriend’s ear - unless you have a good relationship with their girlfriend too.
Her banter type texts are over stepping whether or not he replies in a similar vein. It’s just bad manners if nothing else.
Unfortunately there’s nothing Op can do about the friend, she has no say over the friendship or behaviour.

Personally I would pull back and stay as you are, not move in. Let him decide if your relationship is next level ready or if he needs to do something about his friend. Be prepared to leave as long term it sounds like it will be problematic.

OP the problem here is that you can't trust your DP. You've only been together 3 years and he's already cheated! You should still be in the honeymoon phase not having to deal with these sorts of anxieties. Even if he cut this particular friend out of his life for good I'd be willing to bet that sooner or later there would be another female friend, colleague, neighbour or whatever, who made you feel uncomfortable because you know from experience you can't trust him. It sounds like either he doesn't fancy this one enough to actually do anything, or maybe he knows you snoop through his phone so he's being careful. The point is that you can't be sure, and why would you move in with someone who makes you feel this insecure?

Did we read the same OP?

He's a cheater and you rightly don't trust him.
Why would you have bothered building trust with a cheater that you didn't live with?

Absolute madness.
Dump him.
Do not move in with him.

Stop wasting your time with him.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to build up your self esteem.

This woman is a total menace. And thd whole thing is making you unhappy. You can sit it out and hope her interest fizzles out or you can end your relationship. Things will be even worse if she moves back. I'd be tempted to call it a day now.

This won't end well op.
It doesn't sound like he's interested in the friend, yet he hasn't told her to wind her neck in.
He's already cheated.
You're anxious enough to snoop through his phone (I don't blame you, I wish I had, could have saved over a decade of heartache and being gaslit.)

Honestly? Get rid. Certainly don't move in with him.

He's cheated
He's not put a stop to her behaviour
Why put yourself through it?

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply.
I do understand not everyone will agree with looking through a partner's phone, and I know it's not a healthy behaviour. I am trying to work on my insecurities, and I have really wanted the relationship to work.
Maybe I am fixating on this specific friend now as the time is approaching for us to be discussing next steps and living arrangements (we've agreed to discuss a plan in May), and maybe this is my head telling me it's not right, and finding excuses.
Partner cheated in the first 6 months of us getting together, when the relationship was a bit more on/off. It doesn't make it any better, and yes that is why I feel anxious and on edge.
We have come a long way since then, and maybe I do just need to let this go, but like a lot of you have said - it's him not asserting boundaries that is so uneasy. Well, that and her clearly objectively overstepping the mark with what is normal in an adult relationship.
Yes, I do worry that if he was attracted to her or it was someone else that things could go further to be honest. He's not shutting down this inappropriate behaviour.
I would rather not just continue dating. I'm late 30s and want a steady and stable relationship so I think if it isn't right for us to move in together then the right thing would be to end it. Continuing to date with no path in place for a realistic progression wouldn't satisfy me.
I don't even know how to bring this all up to be honest. I know when I'm reading other people's posts it's easy to say LTB and it be that black and white, but when you're in it, it is no way that simple. The thought of losing him devastates me after everything I've given this relationship. But what next realistically?

I would hold off on the moving in until after she’s moved back to the area to see how it goes. He’s cheated before.

Maybe just give it a little bit more time before moving in together ? Do you both own your own homes or renting? At least he has said he wont meet her alone. Would you feel confident enough to talk to her about her behaviour if it happened again in front of you?

I completely understand your position, but listen to what you yourself are saying:

"I am trying to work on my insecurities"
They are not your "insecurities". They are your entirely rational response to having been betrayed by this very person in the past. What you call "my insecurities" is just logic. You are not the problem. Your mistrust of someone who deceived and betrayed you is not a disorder or any sort of 'you problem' to solve.

"I have really wanted the relationship to work."

"I would rather not just continue dating. I'm late 30s and want a steady and stable relationship"

"The thought of losing him devastates me after everything I've given this relationship."

This is all about a time in your life and a desire for a stable relationship in the abstract. That's all very understandable but the actual man in front of you is a wrong'un and can't or won't give you what it is you are actually seeking for your life.

Trying to make this square peg fit the round hole will make your life actively worse than no peg at all (there's something dodgy about this metaphor I now realise, but I don't have time to think of another!) And while you're busying yourself with the square peg because you're so afraid of no peg, you have absolutely no chance of actually finding the round peg.

I think your options are to get comfortable with the possibility of no relationship or with the fact that this man is who he is and this is how he will always default to behaving.

Best wishes.

We have worked on things to rebuild trust and move forward

You have. He hasn’t, which is why he’s indulging these inappropriate messages with someone who’s got no boundaries like him. Don’t move in with someone who is lapping up attention from another woman.

I don’t think I’d continue with the relationship. The girl isn’t talking to herself on these messages, he’s replying and encouraging the conversation. It’s not all one sided. This paired with the infidelity in the past makes for a rocky relationship.

It shouldn't be this hard.
I understand you wanting a settled relationship but this isn't it.
It shouldn't be this hard.
You're unhappy, anxious and reduced to checking your partner's phone.
It shouldn't be this hard.
Moving in together will only make things worse.
It shouldn't be this hard.

Thr cheating is a valid reason if it’s not settled. This woman? No. Everything you’ve written suggests he is not interested in her. Try to put her out of your mind for a while and work out if this is a relationship you want. For you. Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, have children with etc?