Long story short, I have a real issue with one of my partners female friends.
He does have others who don't bother me, so this isn't simply an irrational jealousy (although for full transparency, he has cheated in the past. We have worked on things to rebuild trust and move forward, but there is probably still an underlying layer of distrust and insecurity).
Anyway, this specific friend, in my opinion, oversteps boundaries, which makes me very uncomfortable - and on top of that, I feel my partner isn't doing enough to assert any. Currently she lives 3 hours away so we rarely see her, however we were out for food and drinks about 2 years ago and bumped into her as she was back visiting family, she ran over to him from behind, wrapped her arms around him and shoved her tongue down his ear. I was pretty taken back because, well... What the fuck? We're all late 30s. She's married with 3 young children.
That night she proceeded to tell me how she used to be partners favourite, that I'll 'never change him', and other bizarre things that I simply could not imagine saying to a male friend's partner.
For context I have male friend's and aside from the odd hug on greeting, we don't touch each other at all. She sat next to him the whole night and couldn't keep her hands off him. I felt like the third wheel.
When we left that night I confronted him, said how uncomfortable I felt and asked if there was some history between them that I'm not privvy to, which he denied and told me I've got it all wrong, she meant nothing by it. Generally quite dismissive.
Since then if ever her name pops up on his phone I see red. He is aware how I feel but continues to keep in touch with her.
I know I will probably be told, they were friends before you etc, and that I cannot enforce him ending their friendship. I agree. I cannot and should not enforce it. However, if the shoe was on the other foot and a male friend was inappropriate with me like that, I would absolutely tell them how disrespectful their behaviour came across and I would naturally distance myself from the friendship.
Partner has agreed not to see this friend 121, but he is still in regular contact via messages.
Recently my need for answers got the better of me and I snooped on his phone (please be kind).
She seems to be the one insisting all of the conversations, and she messages him random pictures of herself - nothing provocative, but her with a facemask on or a glass of wine.
She often puts herself down, saying how much weight she's gained etc. I find it odd how often she brings up her personal appearance and it feels as though she's looking for validation from DP.
The most recent message involved DP telling her that he'd recently bought a holiday home, and her first response was 'the two of us should go'.
In his defence he did not reply to that part of the message, and just continued the conversation in another direction (general chit chat).
I am rarely mentioned in any messages at all, although we have been together 3 years and are due to be moving in together soon. She never asks about me, she seems to often be trying to suggest ways she can get him on her own, and frequently attempting to get affirmations from DP.
I am really starting to get quite upset by all of this. On the one hand, he does keep the chat light-hearted and I don't feel like he engages in her inappropriate behaviour, however on the other hand he also hadn't asserted any boundaries and I am concerned how she would be with him if I wasn't there.
I'm not really sure how to proceed - I haven't told him I looked at the messages as it will likely cause a huge blow up, but I also cannot shake this gut feeling that something is off about the whole thing, and it's making me feel quite anxious now about us moving in together. Is she going to be that buzzing fly around us for the rest of our lives together? She is planning to move back to our area this year so I anticipate this will ramp up 500% when she does. We share a lot of the same friends so likely will be more tongue-in-the-ear bump intos. Plus she will be on his case to see him regularly I suspect.
Please be kind, as I'm not sleeping well because of this. I do struggle with anxiety and this is something I'm ruminating on a lot.
AIBU?