SAHM vs working parent split.

[AnotherNC321]

I’m a SAHM to our DD (18 months). I genuinely love being a SAHM and feel extremely lucky that we’re able to survive on one salary.

One thing I’m massively struggling with is how much DH is ‘struggling juggling life with a toddler’. Everybody mentions how tired DH is and DH looks like he’s being ground into the ground.

It’s the only thing that me and DH niggle about. It started when DD was born as I’ve always done all of the night wake ups as she was exclusively BF which I was completely ok with doing. I thought it was only fair that he would get up with DD after her morning milk. She’s usually awake between 7-7:30am, now we alternate ‘lie ins’ on the weekends (I’m awake but appreciate the childfree time). I still do all bedtimes/night wake ups but that’s because she still settles by BF.

DHs obsession with watching tv has always been a bone of contention. Last week he had to pull into the services on the way to work for a coffee… he was up until 2:30 watching tele! I’ve complained on here before about him ‘needing’ to watch a film before bed as he’s never in bed before midnight. He classes anything before 1am as ‘early’. He also spends quite a few hours a week/ one afternoon at the weekend doing his hobbies. Apparently he cannot sleep without his unwinding time.

I want some brutally honest opinions of our division of labour is causing his burn out:

• He works 4 days work from home between 9:30-6. One morning he’ll get up with DD, the rest of the days his alarm goes off at 8:45. Some days he’ll watch DD whilst I shower/get ready to go out.
• After he finishes work he’ll watch DD whilst I finish dinner/serve up.
• We’ll sit around the table until I take DD for bedtime. He’ll then clear the table/do the dishes/tidy DD toys away. 45 minutes tops.

Then weekends:

• Alternate lie ins.
• I feel we genuinely split childcare/he does his fair share of looking after DD.
• He’ll have sole care of DD for a few hours whilst I have some time to do some things around the house that I can’t usually do with her around.

His chores/responsibilities

• working full time.
• bins
• putting his laundry away/ironing his shirt for work.
• sorting his own breakfasts and lunches.
• locking up/turning lights off/feeding the pets before bed.
• 80% of the washing up.
• helping me with adhoc jobs (tidying the house before guests/going in the loft/charity shop runs etc)

I just feel really deflated with how much he’s struggling with ‘life with a toddler’. He genuinely loves us both and says how much he loves family life. He constantly says how much he appreciates how much I do etc but on the other hand he believes the reason he’s exhausted is because everything he does for us.

Very similar here, I just do all the ironing and put clothes away, as the only difference to your list. I think what he does is fair imo. Obviously we all get tired with work and home life. But I feel surely staying up past midnight every day is the sure fire reason as to why someone would be so tired..?! The things we do before kids to relax (watching a film every night!) just aren’t workable once you have a kid and you need to adapt to a new normal.

What time is he going to bed?

It took us a couple of years to realise we should just accept going to bed by 10pm absolute latest.

This means even with an early wake up you get lots of sleep .

We both work, so it's a bit different, but my husband also struggles a bit with a bedtime "curfew" (for want of a better word) if he wants enough sleep before his get up, and with the endless nature of it and you can't just wake up and decide to do nothing in particular each day.

I find it a bit grating sometimes that he whines about avoidable issues (like falling asleep on the sofa after staying up), but on the other hand it's his experience of it, so I try to give a bit of licence for it too.

3 things that are ridiculous:
Not getting up until 8.45 so spending no time with DD in the mornings.
Not alternating bedtimes with you for your DD.
Staying up ridiculously late watching TV.

Everybody mentions how tired DH is and DH looks like he’s being ground into the ground.

Do they know he’s up watching films at all hours and it’s that rather than having a toddler that’s responsible? I’d feel free to tell them.

He has poor sleep hygiene, thats why he is tired all the time. You can get away with that as a single person or a student, but not when you have a young child.

The division sounds okay, but I think what he is likely struggling with is the lack of proper down time.

I’ve really noticed that since going back to work recently after my maternity leave it’s so hard to find any time for myself in the day because similar to your partner I spend my mornings getting my child ready & at nursery, then I’m working all day, pick my daughter back up immediately after work and then I’m parenting until her bedtime, really that’s when I should be going to sleep but I’ve found that I’m staying up later than I know I should be now, purely because if I don’t then I do not get a single hour of my day to just be. It sounds like your partner may be struggling with the same, going from parent to employee then back to parent can be hard, and you feel like you have to steal the time when you get it even if you know it’s not a great solution to be tired the next day. It’s something I never really had an issue with when I was off with my daughter but I do find since returning to work it can be hard.

It looks like a fair split tbh.

working outside the home is often exhausting. And stressful, which adds to the exhaustion. It’s not just something you get up and do,
like a robot. Is it particularly stressful for him at the moment?

honestly I was working with a baby/ toddler and I look back slightly traumatised at how exhausted I was. I was also out the house working most the day, I was so exhausted I was in bed by 8pm and often napped weekend afternoons.

sounds like he needs the tv to wind down, I can never understand why people
need this but lots do. Mental wind down I guess?

Hi OP,

I’m a SAHM too, I don’t think your division of responsibilities/chores is the problem. For me what really sticks out is how late your DH goes to bed. My DH likes to go later than me, but no later than 11pm. I think if he could get to sleep earlier it would make a huge difference. Also, I’m not sure generally that TV is the best way to relax for hours so close to bed- could he try reading or a hot bath or even a walk?

Also, hang in there generally- we have found now ours are a bit older (6 and 3) they are so much more independent and able to play and occupy themselves. They play together in one of their bedrooms or downstairs first thing, so we can actually both have a cuppa in bed and a more relaxed start to our weekend mornings these days! 😊

I think his sleep habits are the issue here.
Has he always been able to start work that late, meaning a later get up? Would he be better getting into a routine that would suit your child of waking earlier and if work allows, start earlier to finish earlier? Maybe the later start and finish worked well without a child, but he is going to need to realise staying in bed til 8.45 is generally not the norm (unless you are someone working night shifts and going to bed at this point) and when DD starts school surely he will want to be up and about?
I also think watching TV so late is a bad habit he has got into and now feels he needs. He needs to get out of these habits (which will be tricky) and train himself into a better sleep routine.

It's not life with a toddler is it? It's life with a toddler and a massive TV habit. I'd suggest totting up how much free time and sleep you both get. TV time counts as free time. It's sounding like his choices are leading to this imbalance not parenthood. And if people comment on it including him say 'life with a late TV habit, more like'.

I feel so deflated, holding back the tears right now.

For me this decision of labour works. I feel I go over and beyond each day. Spinning 50 plates to keep the day running smoothly as possible. If I’m at home and I can see that DH is in a lot of meetings I make him lunch. I ask him everyday what time he’s going to finish work to try to get dinner pretty much done for when he finishes. He could start work much earlier but chooses to start at 9:30 just to log on before his first meeting. He also gets a ‘lunch break’ which he usually stretches his legs/does something regarding his hobby. Quite often that hour is stretched into a couple of hours.

Yep he does watch DD whilst I dish up, or if dinner is literally on the table when he logs off we might all hang out as a three before I take DD upstairs. Sometimes he’ll take her to the park if dinner is going to be a while/watch her in the bath but that’s once a week tops.

It’s like he’s paralysed with exhaustion. Cannot enjoy anything. Things that should be enjoyable seem like a task. It’s soul destroying for me as I’m starting to dread weekends with him moping around/yawning/counting down the minutes until he can flop in front of the tv.

The last couple of nights I’ve offered to do the clear up/basically all his ‘jobs’ so he can start winding down earlier. Beforehand we could both start unwinding at 8:30-8:45 but I’ve still got some bits to do as this is the second time I’ve had to come upstairs to see to DD.

Oh and he genuinely believes it’s life with a toddler. He says he’s always been a night owl which is true but I do not want to solo parent DD until midday whilst he recovers from watching television until stupid o’clock. Feels like enough of a pisstake when I’m exhausted doing the night wake ups and I can hear him downstairs.

Looking after a toddler and working is exhausting. I think the division is fair with a toddler, if you continue to be SAHP when they go to school you will have a lot more free time so could lighten his load. I also ofte n stay up too late, I completely get needing that wind down time alone being a working parent.

OP he needs to temporarily cut down on TV time until DD is older. It' won't last forever...

These kid's what time do they have to themselves? Poor mum and dad having no time to themselves and baby has to go into institutional care!!

Obviously accidents happen, life happens but I've said to my DC if you have the luxury of choice when to fall pregnant please think of the baby first, maybe you just can't afford it

He's ultimately right- it's life with a toddler. You need to adapt yourself to fit around them. And if you don't you suffer. He's always been a night owl and it's always worked for him because he was only responsible for himself. But the reality is the toddler ain't going anywhere.

I’m sorry but I honestly believe your job is childcare and the house. So I think he does quite a lot. I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to do half the housework and work.

I think what I’ll do in future is prepare dinner much earlier and plate his up in the microwave. That way he won’t need to watch DD whilst I dish up and I can ensure the kitchen is tidy beforehand.

I’m so upset right now. I’ve just snapped at DH as he offered to take out the kitchen bin. Beforehand he offered to keep me company. Mate I’m fucking exhausted. I’m literally only doing this so you can watch your shitty tv and can’t use family life as an excuse for being tired.

Yeah he’s got it pretty good tbh. He sleeps in till 8:45 most weekdays, works from home so no commute, manages to have the energy to watch TV till silly o’clock, doesn’t have to do bedtimes.

Sometimes my husband gets absorbed in something and stays up till 2am. Difference is he has to get up same time as ever (which is usually 6:30-7 as that’s when kids get up, we both get up with them), and he doesn’t complain about being tired because he knows he’s brought it on himself! So if he chooses to stay up late then he’s just got to deal with the consequences. He’ll get no special treatment or sympathy!

’do not want to solo parent DD until midday whilst he recovers from watching television until stupid o’clock’

This is not on either. Midday is ridiculous, just because he’s stayed up watching TV.

This
he may have sleep disorder / overactive mind
he should see GP. Maybe melatonin could help.
Perhaps he can fit his tv watching in earlier in evening.

And he’s just doing normal stuff. He’s not doing more than I would expect or an excessive amount to cause exhaustion, it’s just normal family life. My husband works full time from home mainly, although does occasionally have to do site visits, but he does everything on your list, as well as doing half the school/nursery runs for two kids, bedtimes 50% of the time, getting up as a family at 7ish together, has kids solo in evenings a fair bit as I have voluntary commitments, plus other house and family stuff and manages fine.

The issue is his poor sleep schedule and choices he’s making, not because he’s working himself to the bone parenting or with family life.

To be honest - I think you’re both being very melodramatic. ‘Over and above spinning 50 plates a day to keep the house running smoothly’ - you are a SAHM to one toddler. Him? He’s working 4 days a week so part time, and sleeping most days until nearly 9am, and is so tired he’s being ‘ground into the ground’?
Nothing in your description of your life seems overly onerous or above the bounds of life with a child - I’d say both of you have a pretty good deal.

Change up bedtime routine. Quick bf and hand over to dh and go to bed yourself. Make use of his night owl tendencies

This. I’d look shattered if I stayed up till 2 am too, even though I don’t have a toddler. But I doubt anyone would feel sorry for me. It’s just a bad habit and poor sleep hygiene.

I have to disagree with a lot of people here.

Him never doing bedtime and only looking after his child one morning a week? That’s not on. He needs to sort out his priorities. If he refuses to let go of his tv habits he can look at shortening it down. Instead of going to bed at 1-2.30 he should look to go to bed at midnight and slowly make his bedtimes earlier.

For reference when our DD was a baby and toddler we would alternate bedtimes, who got up with her in the mornings, dinners (the one not cooking would clean up after). I always did more than my DH as he works away a lot but it would be 50/50 when he was at home. I worked full time in periods and was a SAHM for a couple years. When I was a SAHM I did all the cleaning, tidying, most of the cooking but we still shared bedtimes and wake ups