SAHM vs working parent split.

[AnotherNC321]

I’m a SAHM to our DD (18 months). I genuinely love being a SAHM and feel extremely lucky that we’re able to survive on one salary.

One thing I’m massively struggling with is how much DH is ‘struggling juggling life with a toddler’. Everybody mentions how tired DH is and DH looks like he’s being ground into the ground.

It’s the only thing that me and DH niggle about. It started when DD was born as I’ve always done all of the night wake ups as she was exclusively BF which I was completely ok with doing. I thought it was only fair that he would get up with DD after her morning milk. She’s usually awake between 7-7:30am, now we alternate ‘lie ins’ on the weekends (I’m awake but appreciate the childfree time). I still do all bedtimes/night wake ups but that’s because she still settles by BF.

DHs obsession with watching tv has always been a bone of contention. Last week he had to pull into the services on the way to work for a coffee… he was up until 2:30 watching tele! I’ve complained on here before about him ‘needing’ to watch a film before bed as he’s never in bed before midnight. He classes anything before 1am as ‘early’. He also spends quite a few hours a week/ one afternoon at the weekend doing his hobbies. Apparently he cannot sleep without his unwinding time.

I want some brutally honest opinions of our division of labour is causing his burn out:

• He works 4 days work from home between 9:30-6. One morning he’ll get up with DD, the rest of the days his alarm goes off at 8:45. Some days he’ll watch DD whilst I shower/get ready to go out.
• After he finishes work he’ll watch DD whilst I finish dinner/serve up.
• We’ll sit around the table until I take DD for bedtime. He’ll then clear the table/do the dishes/tidy DD toys away. 45 minutes tops.

Then weekends:

• Alternate lie ins.
• I feel we genuinely split childcare/he does his fair share of looking after DD.
• He’ll have sole care of DD for a few hours whilst I have some time to do some things around the house that I can’t usually do with her around.

His chores/responsibilities

• working full time.
• bins
• putting his laundry away/ironing his shirt for work.
• sorting his own breakfasts and lunches.
• locking up/turning lights off/feeding the pets before bed.
• 80% of the washing up.
• helping me with adhoc jobs (tidying the house before guests/going in the loft/charity shop runs etc)

I just feel really deflated with how much he’s struggling with ‘life with a toddler’. He genuinely loves us both and says how much he loves family life. He constantly says how much he appreciates how much I do etc but on the other hand he believes the reason he’s exhausted is because everything he does for us.

What 50 plates are you spinning? I’m not being sarcastic, genuinely wondering. All seems very dramatic with one toddler.

Honestly I was being dramatic. Just feeling a bit downtrodden/highly strung tonight.

I’ve really thrown myself into being a SAHM, trying to be the best mum and wife I can be. The last couple of months especially I’ve tried even harder to take more of DH ‘stresses’ off his shoulders. Yesterday he asked if I could help him with preparation for one of his hobbies (one he took up whilst I was pregnant) as he can’t manage to fit in the two two hours preparation each week. I’ve been helping him already where I can. Maybe doing the first half, or the necessary bits. Something that would usually take two hours now takes all afternoon with a toddler.

Bloody hell. I’m a night owl, always have been, total night body clock and my preference would be 2am to bed and 10am up. But I have two small children so I go to bed at 930-10 and get up at 630. Because that’s what you have to do.

Your split of chores is fine. The issue is his bedtime. Absolutely ludicrous to moan about being tired when he doesn’t go to bed until hours and hours after your child is in bed. You honestly shouldn’t be doing anything further to accommodate him, every time he complains he is tired just tell him to go to bed earlier. Every time somebody comments that he looks tired tell them it’s because he watches TV until 2am.

As an aside, if he really is a night owl the solution is that he does all night feeds/wakes so you sleep through and he then can justify a bit of a lie in. That’s what we did. I did all night feeds and wakes from 8pm and then go to sleep until 730 when we had babies that woke a lot. Not sure if yours still does.

It sounds like a reasonable split, and he really sounds like he's going to bed too late. Why does it upset you so much that he feels tired though? You're both allowed to feel tired. I just wondered from here
"It’s like he’s paralysed with exhaustion. Cannot enjoy anything. Things that should be enjoyable seem like a task. It’s soul destroying for me as I’m starting to dread weekends with him moping around/yawning/counting down the minutes until he can flop in front of the tv."
That sounds like he might be feeling a bit depressed?

He needs to step up.
Get earlier to bed, earlier to work and accept he has a family. He isn't a bachelor.

Has he been to the GP? To rule out any underlying issues for his tiredness and to check for depression.

On the face of it, his sleep habits clearly aren't working. Did he stay up late before you had a child? What time does your toddler go to bed? I've struggled massively with "me" time since having children. I need a couple of hours without having to deal with squabbling, requests for entertainment etc and mine are lousy sleepers which pushes my sleep time back. Whilst I will be up earlier than your dh, I find even if I'm in bed by 10, I'll still be awake by 1 which is just a frustrating waste of time.

It all sounds like a bit of a pressure cooker with him WFH full time and you at home with the little one. I wonder if his mental health is suffering.

I know plenty of people do it these days, but it doesn't work for everyone.

I'd say he needs to go to the GP to figure out why he is so tired. Suggest in preparation for his appointment that he keeps a sleep diary - one that notes everything ie time going to bed, approximate time he stays awake after his head hits the pillow, any night wakings, how he feels first thing in the morning, any slow points during the day when he is feeling knackered. If he keeps it for 3 weeks then that will give the GP a good idea of what is going on.

Could you go to the appointment with him if possible? That way you will know what is said. Sell it to him as the opportunity to answer any questions the GP may have re snoring, tossing and turning etc. Then he needs to act on the GP's advice. If he doesn't then you know it is just that he is lazy and selfish. Counselling would be the next step. I'd consider booking it in now as its clear that your needs are not being taking into account and there is a communication issue. Wishing you all the best

Your division of labour seems fair. But life with a toddler will never be easy!

My DH relies on the tv to fall asleep... he needs to put on mindless entertainment and it's his way of decompressing and clearing away the stress from work. It's a lifelong habit and he hasn't been able to break it.

I didn't get past:

the rest of the days his alarm goes off at 8:45

The division of labour seems pretty reasonable to me.

Like others have said it seems clear the main issue is that he is a night owl. This can be a real problem for people and it’s not always something people can help - I’m a night owl too and the baby and toddler years were the worst for me because of this! Much easier now my son is a teenager 🤣 The getting up at 8.45 and people saying how ridiculous this was and that nobody does this made me laugh - I totally do this - I’m a GP and start work at 09.30 close by my home. So yeah 8.45 is about when I get up on a workday (I sleep much later at the weekends!) And I’m rarely in bed before midnight.

Having said that even night owls can get themselves into a slightly less night owl routine if they really want to/need to, though it may take serious effort and unfortunately can slip back fairly easily to the usual default setting so it’s often a seriously uphill battle. So often working with the night owl nature to a certain extent rather than against it is best though I agree also he needs to accept that he has family responsibilities to think about and curb the TV watching late at night a bit. I think his doing the nighttime wakenings to allow a bit more slack during the daytime (would it?) might perhaps would work much better for you both but I get the issue with you breastfeeding to settle the child. If that’s not super important to you your child would probably eventually get used to settling themselves without breastfeeding though?

My other thought was that if he works from home, could he change his hours slightly to start a bit earlier and finish a bit earlier? Even shifting things by one hour forward? Might “force” him into a slightly less night owl routine and allow a bit more wind down time (and time to do domestic chores and spend time with your child and you before he gets too tired and it gets too late) in the evenings.

I think it’s pretty normal for both parents to feel quite tired and zombie-like for the first few years of parenting to be honest and it can be hard to adapt previous habits to a new normal.

I was always the same as your husband with regards to not being able to go to sleep until I had unwound for a couple of hours. But I didn't get to sleep in or avoid child care and night feeds. I just ran myself into the ground instead.

It wasn't until after my ADHD diagnosis and proper medication that things improved. But I was still unable to get to sleep for hours until recently when my new psychiatrist prescribed Clonidine and everything fell into place. It really has been a miracle drug for me and changed everything.

I'm not saying your husband has ADHD, but it definitely sounds as though he has a sleep disorder that needs looking at. However, sleep disorder or not, his attitude sounds pretty unfair, and I don't blame you for feeling incredibly frustrated.

I think he’s doing quite a lot really, he’s working full time and got the mental strain of also keeping you all afloat financially. He’s going to bed too late but it sounds he needs the time to decompress as he’s going from a day of work pressure to an evening of house toddler pressure - they are hard work. I have two kids and ours is similar split but I am going back to work PT post maternity. I think your DH is doing a little more than mine but mine I feel does do a lot. I wouldn’t stop meal times together I know from personal experience and open dialogue DH needs to have that social time as it can be very isolating working all day and not really seeing other people and I would expect more so if WFH 4 days. 2.30am is obviously too late but this age with kids is very hard and he’s got the work pressure on top. You will both be tired - I know we are here! When DH was staying up really late I used to suggest we watch something together in bed once DC had gone to sleep - DH would always fall asleep about 10pm…Maybe an idea you could try as my DH used to stay up super late too. Now we’ve got two kids that doesn’t happen we would all sleep at 8pm if we could!

That way he won’t need to watch DD whilst I dish up and I can ensure the kitchen is tidy beforehand.

But what about engaging with his child? It sounds like the only reason he tolerates her is to free you up to serve his dinner for a couple of minutes then he is off the clock again. This isn't on, he should be spending time with her. Toddlers are hard work of course but parents are supposed to love them and want to be with them, not just see them as a chore.

I think the division of labour is OK in a general way but not the childcare element. He should be doing bed time a few nights a week. It's important for them to bond. If you've been 10 hours already full on with DD you need a break from her, and she from you.

He is trying to keep his old life and habits and it isn't working. He needs to find a new more efficient way to wind down and rest.

Oh my god I cannot believe you have been supporting this selfish arse.

dh we need to talk. I’ve been thinking, I don’t get time for hobbies. I don’t get time to watch tv. I do however get a husband who manages quite a lot of time for both, asks me to help for the prep so he can do his hobbies which takes me an entire afternoon, whinges and is a huge downer to be around but does not even notice I don’t get ANY of the the free time you do, and I think it’s taken me a long time but im sitting here thinking why the fuck am I putting up with this?? So here’s the deal, no I can’t help prep for your fucking hobby, you will have to take it from your fucking tv time, and you need to stop moaning and complaining you’re tired or I will, immediately, start taking as much personal time as you do and you will facilitate it. You could even spend an entire Saturday afternoon looking after the baby and prepping stuff for me, since you think it’s reasonable for me to.

one grumble this week and you are solo parent and housekeeper from 8:30am Saturday till 2pm. ONE SINGLE MOAN.

And I’m a total night owl op. I try hard to get to bed before midnight- then dh leaves early for work (he has to) so I am solo getting up 3 young dc and doing two drop offs and getting myself to work. I’m not watching tv every night that’s for sure! I’m more often doing some work to be honest.

Tbh I found the lack of me time the worst part of motherhood in the early years and even when they got older, working and household stuff took all my time. I regularly stayed up late watching TV or reading. What time does baby settle for the evening? I'll be honest DH sounds like he's pulling his weight to me. Does baby nap? My DH constantly complains of tiredness too. It is annoying as he is retired and I have a physical job. Does your partner drink much, does he wat healthily? Is he worried about being the only breadwinner?

But you knew he was a night owl when you decided to have children with him.

I’m a night owl and I get up at 6:30 to get dc to school before getting myself to work!! Dh knew I was a night owl but assumed I’d also be a contributing member of the team. Night owl my ass, if I’m up watching tv I’m folding washing at the same time.

Sounds like an addiction to the TV. I've just been listening to the Dopamine episode from 'Diary of a CEO'.. and the things you describe seem to fit the consequences of addiction (nothing else is enjoyable, waiting to get a 'fix', impacting relationships, it taking over all thoughts,).

Perhaps he needs to see how he can get help with that?

Honestly, with 2 toddlers? I'm usually asleep by 9:30 (one up through the night) and they're up around 6:30 and even that's not enough. But my husband would love to lie in bed till he has to log on- wouldn't we all love a lie in til 8:45?? But if he's ignoring his alarm, I literally put the kids on the bed, and say, "I'm just off for a shower". And walk out the door. Works every time. Shouldn't really have to, but there we go. Oh, and he "helps' (well, PARENTS - not 'watches') a fair share.

As I see it, this sleep deprivation thing is a relatively short phase of life (fingers crossed), so it's all hands on deck till then!!

The division sounds okay, but I think what he is likely struggling with is the lack of proper down time.

Agree, he wants to switch off from work & actually wfh & without a commute that can be harder to do hence staying up watching tv.

I actually think he does quite a lot considering he's working

I'm not over the amount of people who thinks he does a lot. He does the bins and tidies up after the dinner that's made for him. What else does he do? I'd imagine he's doing less now that his wife's a sahm.

I'm a stay at home parent too, and one thing that's hard to sort in your head is that minding children isn't just childcare, it's also parenting. So dh needs to do bedtimes and mealtimes sometimes so that the kids have two parents, and not to "give me a break" but to participate in raising his children.

His life sounds a real drag. Working from home with a toddler and expected to do chores. You need a reality check and a job.

He needs to get to bed earlier. I wouldn’t entertain him complaining he is tired and blaming a toddler when he is up until 2am. Absolute joke. He doesn’t do too much, putting out the bins and washing up? He lives in the house too. Equally SAHM to one toddler isn’t spinning 50,000 plates. I agree that life for both of you doesn’t sound that stressful. He works 4 days and has no commute, dinner on the table. You both need to do more things together. Watch a TV show in bed at 9am, and he can get up earlier to spend time with his DD before he starts work.