SAHM vs working parent split.

[AnotherNC321]

I’m a SAHM to our DD (18 months). I genuinely love being a SAHM and feel extremely lucky that we’re able to survive on one salary.

One thing I’m massively struggling with is how much DH is ‘struggling juggling life with a toddler’. Everybody mentions how tired DH is and DH looks like he’s being ground into the ground.

It’s the only thing that me and DH niggle about. It started when DD was born as I’ve always done all of the night wake ups as she was exclusively BF which I was completely ok with doing. I thought it was only fair that he would get up with DD after her morning milk. She’s usually awake between 7-7:30am, now we alternate ‘lie ins’ on the weekends (I’m awake but appreciate the childfree time). I still do all bedtimes/night wake ups but that’s because she still settles by BF.

DHs obsession with watching tv has always been a bone of contention. Last week he had to pull into the services on the way to work for a coffee… he was up until 2:30 watching tele! I’ve complained on here before about him ‘needing’ to watch a film before bed as he’s never in bed before midnight. He classes anything before 1am as ‘early’. He also spends quite a few hours a week/ one afternoon at the weekend doing his hobbies. Apparently he cannot sleep without his unwinding time.

I want some brutally honest opinions of our division of labour is causing his burn out:

• He works 4 days work from home between 9:30-6. One morning he’ll get up with DD, the rest of the days his alarm goes off at 8:45. Some days he’ll watch DD whilst I shower/get ready to go out.
• After he finishes work he’ll watch DD whilst I finish dinner/serve up.
• We’ll sit around the table until I take DD for bedtime. He’ll then clear the table/do the dishes/tidy DD toys away. 45 minutes tops.

Then weekends:

• Alternate lie ins.
• I feel we genuinely split childcare/he does his fair share of looking after DD.
• He’ll have sole care of DD for a few hours whilst I have some time to do some things around the house that I can’t usually do with her around.

His chores/responsibilities

• working full time.
• bins
• putting his laundry away/ironing his shirt for work.
• sorting his own breakfasts and lunches.
• locking up/turning lights off/feeding the pets before bed.
• 80% of the washing up.
• helping me with adhoc jobs (tidying the house before guests/going in the loft/charity shop runs etc)

I just feel really deflated with how much he’s struggling with ‘life with a toddler’. He genuinely loves us both and says how much he loves family life. He constantly says how much he appreciates how much I do etc but on the other hand he believes the reason he’s exhausted is because everything he does for us.

Yep

I did what you are doing but alongside a six month old, I also had a two year old, plus worked full time outside the home, and was a solo parent every evening and most Sundays due to my DH working until 11pm at night, so I don’t understand how being a SAHM to one child is such a big deal (and my other half did very little to help, unlike yours) …yea, I was exhausted!

Thank you. OMG, these replies drive me crazy.

Everything outside of working hours should be split 50/50 re childcare/domestic admin.

(And no, even then it's not fair. Because he gets a lunch break and to wee alone.)

Only read OP’s posts. I’ve always said that for me the hardest part of becoming a parent was my kid (unsuccessfully) trying to make me into a morning person.
Thankfully DH is a morning person and takes care of DC in the mornings; I don’t mind dealing with the night time stuff. I swear I’ve tried everything - sleep pills, sleep teas , meditation , etc- you name it I’ve tried it and I just cannot fall asleep before midnight. I also can’t function on less than 8 hrs of sleep.
For us after about 7pm it’s DH’s child free time, sometimes earlier (he goes does his hobby some afternoons or DC and I are out and about, come back and I do bedtime).
DH works/ runs a business from home and currently I’m a SAHM.
would it work for you if you have an early night (either to sleep or for child free time) and your DH deals with things before he goes to bed- this way you’re rested early in the morning?

It's not just "life with a toddler" because the fact is that if he went to bed at a reasonable time he would be a lot less tired.

Looking at your/his routine, I can't actually see how the fact that you have a toddler affects his life that much. If he goes to bed at 1am and his alarm goes off at 8:45am then he is getting almost 8 hours' sleep a night, it's just that it's happening 2-3 hours later than most people with a job and a kid would consider normal.

Watching TV until the small hours actually isn't good for winding down because of the stimulation and blue light, so the quality of the sleep he's getting is probably poor. And waking up 45 minutes before he starts work means he doesn't have time to properly wake up before his working day begins.

I think it's quite common for new parents to go to bed too late when their children are small because they don't want to just put the kids to bed, eat, and then go to bed themselves without having much down time. But eventually most of them realise that this is what they need to do if they don't want to feel like a zombie.

He should find a non screen based activity that he can do for an hour in the evening to go to bed (not as long as watching a feature length film) and then go to sleep.

No fuck that. Being a night owl is a luxury rather than a right. DH and I are not 5.30am people but here we are with two toddlers. 7am is a lie in at our house!

If he wants to just adjust his body clock, make him get up at 6 every morning and he will naturally start to fall asleep earlier each night.

Your DH is lacking good sleep, yet he has the where-with-all to get sleep of ten hours per night!
Ask your DH, if he is genuine about wanting to feel revitalised, to seek investigation for Sleep Apnea. He needs to have his breathing/nose examined and his sleep pattern changed to allow for him to sleep earlier. Look into Melatonin too.
Seek help from a sleep specialist. Have a full check up.

Ask your DH to make a list of the films he wants to watch. He should be able to watch one, three times per week and still go to sleep at 10:00 pm. That is 150 films per year. He could start watching while he clears away the dishes and picks up toys. The other nights you could choose a shorter show to watch with him - something you enjoy together.

He needs to watch less tv and get an earlier night, he’s not a teenager anymore and he needs more sleep.

Shut down any comments from him or others saying he’s tired with a toddler, just say “well he stays up until 2.30am watch films, he can always go to bed earlier if he’s tired”.

Agreed. Blimey.

He does virtually nothing! His "chores" are like what you would expect a teenager to do. Making your own breakfast is hardly a household chore.

I am a natural night owl too and it was hard to adjust to having lark children but of course you have to change when you have kids.

It's also sad (I think) that he doesn't seem to want to spend time with your toddler.

Stop pandering to this! Stand up for yourself.

At minimum he should take the toddler every day so you can shower and get dressed and for a chunk of time at the weekend. And some actual household chores - obviously as a SAHM you should do most but he should do some

If that is his problem, it's entirely in his gift to solve. He could take a shorter lunch break and go for a walk after work before dinner. He could get up earlier and do the same.

Also - TBH sometimes you just have to accept that that's life with young children. Days that I WFH, I don't get the luxury of a break before I pick up the kids.

Sorry, am I reading this correctly that your toddler wakes up in the night, your DH is still awake and yet leaves you to deal with it even though you were asleep?

I am hoping I have somehow misunderstood this but if so what a tosser.

Is the TV obsession similar to some kind of insomnia? Can he absolutely not sleep without it? My OH does this annoying thing where he watches videos on his phone until he falls asleep. Since having the baby, who is also 18 months, he does it less, but swears he can’t sleep without doing it and I wonder if it’s some kind of habit that need “Un conditioning” or some kind of insomnia.

I say this to ask can you talk about it and set a challenge to watch less tv together or something? Also, I’d there anytime in the evening to maybe watch something as a family? I’m guessing he watches his own content, but something we do is we have 1 hour or so watching a show together and the baby is either asleep or playing infront of us.

both me and my OH work with baby and I am so so exhausted!! But doze off before 11pm - but on the days I stay awake with work on the next day, I feel awful! I always need a day to lie in. So I think your partner needs to work on his bedtime and routine.

cant believe people are suggesting ADHD and sleep disorders for another bog standard, selfish, lazy twat

You both dont have it that bad.
The plate spinning hyperbole is presumably just be used you are annoyed with how little he does. I wouldnt be bothering to make him lunch or dinner and He isnt helping himself at all.

I can empathise as i am not a morning person but I try and put strategies in place so I am less useless. 2am is also a ludicrous time to stay awake until

The one thing you really need to do is get on decent contraception though. The last thing you want is a second as you dont sound like you (plural) are coping particularly well with one.