SAHM vs working parent split.

[AnotherNC321]

I’m a SAHM to our DD (18 months). I genuinely love being a SAHM and feel extremely lucky that we’re able to survive on one salary.

One thing I’m massively struggling with is how much DH is ‘struggling juggling life with a toddler’. Everybody mentions how tired DH is and DH looks like he’s being ground into the ground.

It’s the only thing that me and DH niggle about. It started when DD was born as I’ve always done all of the night wake ups as she was exclusively BF which I was completely ok with doing. I thought it was only fair that he would get up with DD after her morning milk. She’s usually awake between 7-7:30am, now we alternate ‘lie ins’ on the weekends (I’m awake but appreciate the childfree time). I still do all bedtimes/night wake ups but that’s because she still settles by BF.

DHs obsession with watching tv has always been a bone of contention. Last week he had to pull into the services on the way to work for a coffee… he was up until 2:30 watching tele! I’ve complained on here before about him ‘needing’ to watch a film before bed as he’s never in bed before midnight. He classes anything before 1am as ‘early’. He also spends quite a few hours a week/ one afternoon at the weekend doing his hobbies. Apparently he cannot sleep without his unwinding time.

I want some brutally honest opinions of our division of labour is causing his burn out:

• He works 4 days work from home between 9:30-6. One morning he’ll get up with DD, the rest of the days his alarm goes off at 8:45. Some days he’ll watch DD whilst I shower/get ready to go out.
• After he finishes work he’ll watch DD whilst I finish dinner/serve up.
• We’ll sit around the table until I take DD for bedtime. He’ll then clear the table/do the dishes/tidy DD toys away. 45 minutes tops.

Then weekends:

• Alternate lie ins.
• I feel we genuinely split childcare/he does his fair share of looking after DD.
• He’ll have sole care of DD for a few hours whilst I have some time to do some things around the house that I can’t usually do with her around.

His chores/responsibilities

• working full time.
• bins
• putting his laundry away/ironing his shirt for work.
• sorting his own breakfasts and lunches.
• locking up/turning lights off/feeding the pets before bed.
• 80% of the washing up.
• helping me with adhoc jobs (tidying the house before guests/going in the loft/charity shop runs etc)

I just feel really deflated with how much he’s struggling with ‘life with a toddler’. He genuinely loves us both and says how much he loves family life. He constantly says how much he appreciates how much I do etc but on the other hand he believes the reason he’s exhausted is because everything he does for us.

It's not general life with a toddler that's burning him out. It's watching films til 1am. Surely everyone can see that. The split of chores sounds completely normal

I’m also surprised that people think he does ‘a lot’! He’s sleeping till almost 9am most days with a sedentary working from home job?! He does some basic chores, the kind of stuff he would have to do before kids, and that’s about it? The division of chores is fine if OP is happy with it but he’s hardly burning himself out on family life and chores, let’s be honest!

He needs to grow up and get to bed at a reason hour. He’s acting like a teenager.

I’m not a SAHM anymore, but when I was this was pretty much our division of labour expect my DH did more cooking. Other people’s husband’s with the same job did a lot less. But years later they are struggling with going back to work and unfairness/resentment in their marriage. So many relationships with children are deeply unequal. So if you compare yourself it will seem that way. But when you choose to go back to work, have another baby etc you’ll be glad. Your husband has it within his control to be less tired. He chooses something else. Zero judgement because I do the same all the time! But don’t let it make you feel guilty.

I'm not over the amount of people who thinks he does a lot. He does the bins and tidies up after the dinner that's made for him. What else does he do? I'd imagine he's doing less now that his wife's a sahm.

For me it's the lack of break between work/home/looking after dc. Mentally I would find that really hard, it's hard enough doing it without working.

I don't know why either parent is so stressed though, it would be very different if one was out of the house all day with a long commute...

So he works part time and his contribution to the housework consists of things like putting his own clothes away which you have laundered, a task even toddlers do?

Something is not right. Staying up to watch tv until 2am is clearly a daft thing to do with a toddler but if he doesn’t then get up until 8,45 he’s not that short of sleep. Sounds like either something else is going on or he needs to go to the gp.

This.

My Step-Mum died a few months ago after years of illness.

My Dad now goes to bed much, much earlier than ever before because he feels like he's already had enough down-time during the day. Before she died he had caring responsibilities all day and just really felt like he needed to watch TV for a few hrs after step-Mum went to bed to stay sane and feel like he'd had some time just to himself.

If OP gets a job then he'll likely have to do more in the way of household chores surely.

It seems as if his chores are
Putting his own clothes away
Making his own breakfast and lunch
Emptying the bins (this takes generally about a minute, and is possibly not daily)
Washing up

And as OP is at home she is doing (obviously) the daily childcare but the bulk of weekend and evening childcare, and household chores....
If they were both out at work they would need to split more evenly.

Waking up at 8:45 when you start work at 9:30 is out of order when you are raising tiny people. Fine when child free but not when your other half is up parenting and after being up in the night. If he was working till 1am and needed a lie in then that’s different. But he’s choosing to stay up late and watch TV, that’s on him. Me and my husband are happy if we get 1 episode of something on the TV before bed. Just don’t have the time and we accept this is part of life now. This is his real problem not the toddler. Although in fairness they are exhausting too but it sounds like you cover the majority of the childcare.

What else does he do?? Cough cough. Well he has a job for a start. Honestly some folk.

Why can't he watch his TV shows during the day (weekends or lunch breaks) rather than staying up until the early hours?

Honestly you are part of the problem we have with grown men who are absolutely useless but think they deserve praise for doing the absolute basics. My husband works five days, more hours, and does far more than OP’s DH and doesn’t sleep in till almost 9am every day.

Most of his chores are centred around himself. What did he do before kids? Probably the exact same chores. No one would tell a childless individual that doing your own laundry and making your own lunch and taking the bins out is ‘lots’. It’s the absolute basics of being an adult.

Being a SAHP doesn’t mean you are a parent to your husband. Outside of his working hours, he contributes to the family and does his share of chores that are left, because that’s how a partnership works.

I feel sorry for anyone who has been in a marriage or relationship where the man doing the bare minimum has been normalised to them. It shouldn’t be the norm.

This bloke has it made IMO! He’s only working four days and it’s from home, lies in most days, does barely any looking after of his own child, chooses to stay up till 2am watching TV, and has the gall to say he’s exhausted about it 🤷‍♀️

The problem IMHO is that he wants to carry on leading the life he had before your baby was born (staying up late, doing his hobbies) and he's struggling to adapt to life being different now. Yes, he's always been a "night owl" but life is different now and he has a responsibility to manage his tiredness levels so that he's able to function properly.

I think the major problem for lots of women with being a SAHM (even just the period of maternity leave) is that they assume responsibility for pretty much everything domestic and it is incredibly hard to change that pattern.

The key factor in him doing his fair share is not so much whether he's doing enough around the house but whether you are both getting equal leisure time. It really doesn't sound like that is the case. I would be having serious words with him about him needing to find a way to change his sleep habits so that he's not so exhausted. Maybe the TV watching needs to be swapped for a run or something physical that will help him switch off and feel tired. It's just not good enough to say that's just how he is, his first responsibility now is to his family.

Yeah, but then he won’t have the massive financial and mental burden of being the sole support for three people.

A stress that is always minimized here.

He sounds very selfish.

Haven't read the full thread but he's not actually "working full time", is he? 34 hours a week (or 30ish assuming a lunch break) is part time! I mean I do considerably more than that, plus a commute, as a part time teacher.

Being childish about the amount of sleep he needs obviously isn't helping, and nor is your starting point that your main role is to make his life easier.

Tv sounds like a crutch to him to wind down a over active mind, but it’s too much , I wonder if could he speak to doc about melatonin to help regulate his sleep as he’s fallen into bad habit ? I think if he can sort out his sleep everything gets better for all of you x

The division of labour seems fairly fair.
He needs to sort out his TV watching though, that's harming all of you

Working from home jobs may be physical but they can be incredibly stressful. You can do hugely responsible and high pressure jobs from home.

I dont read it as him working 4 days at home, I assumed 4 days at home and one in the office (given she said he had to stop for rest on his drive to the office)

Some people do easy ploddy jobs at home but others do highly stressful and pressured jobs that require intense focus and place huge responsibilities on them. I have switched job now but my old job I rarely had time to wee never mind relax at all, it was high pressure high profile meetings back to back nearly every day.

This!!

My take:
do not get pregnant. If you’d like to have another DC, your OH needs to seriously up his game.
secondly, presenteeism matters in parenting. He works from home 4/5 and can’t even show up for breakfast?? Seriously, some posters are focussed on the division of labour, but he’s dozing in bed, not on a commute, for 80% of the week. Show up! Be a member of the family!
His work week is no more onerous than anybody else’s and he can’t tip down the stairs to have a slice of toast with his child? This is not a big ask.

This is not about bins or folding laundry. It’s how his behaviour, which is him-focused, makes you feel like you’re responsible for everything.

I cannot imagine this man’s life. Sleeping till nearly 9 while his wife looks after their child and gets them ready, working from home while ignoring his family, working 34 hours a week, having dinner cooked- it’s more like my teenage life than any week of my adult life, and I worked more hours than that with school and had to get up earlier than that for school and sport. He’s barely functioning as a normal single adult human being much less a dad and partner. Much like many teenagers his only jobs are really looking after himself. And he has a child. Ugh.

I think your division of labour is pretty much spot on. Although it would piss me off he's lazing in bed till 8.45am - dirty scruff! He needs to get up at 8am and actually participate in morning life. Even if he's a supporting cast member and you're the lead.

What needs to change is his sleep patterns. He can't be awake until 2.30am and then complaining he's exhausted. He needs to shift his schedule forwards. It must really piss you off when people say he looks so exhausted - like they're insinuating he's doing too much at home and you aren't doing enough. You must want to scream "WELL TELL HIM TO FUCKING GO TO BED EARLIER THEN!!"

Mentally having children is exhausting and presumably he's not sacrificed anything like hobbies or work schedule... so he's tried to insert looking after a small human into that existence.