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Original poster

I have moved out with eldest daughter due to the way my wife treats her.

454 replies

George805 · 15/04/2025 19:34

Hi, I am looking for some advice regarding my wife's treatment of eldest daughter.

Two daughters 8 and 6, eldest is a bit of an old soul, loves fossils, history, animals and cares deeply about the planet, she likes to wear t shirts with fossils and bugs on them with jeans and trainers, not interested in latest fashion or trends.

I love my wife but she can be a bit snobby and judgmental at times, she has to follow the latest trends and is in to everything glamorous, youngest daughter is the same, loves fashion, makeup (big no for me as she's too young) she is naturally very talented, does dance and can sing really well, I love both my children equally but I have to be truthful and say that I see a bit of a mean streak in youngest and I'm worried she is growing in to a bit of a bully.

Now the issue is that my wife massively favours youngest daughter, brings her everywhere, constantly buying her things, always calling her the most beautiful girl in the world (whilst eldest is standing right next to her), phone is full of pictures of just her, never stops speaking about her, always got to be right next to her on the sofa/dinner table etc etc

I've pulled her up on this so many times, told her she never spends time with eldest, never compliments her or shows even the slightest interest in what she's doing.

Had a horrible day at work today so stopped off in town on my way home to buy some snacks and treat the girls to a jellycat each, I bought eldest a caterpillar and youngest a bunny, when I arrived home and gave them to the girls my wife was instantly all over the youngest telling her how beautiful her bunny was just like her and didn't say anything about eldest. Eldest left and I went and spoke to her, she asked if I'd change her caterpillar for a bunny, I was shocked as I know for a fact she doesn't like the bunnies, she likes birds and bugs, what she said next floored me and made me feel like I've really failed her, she said mummy would like her the same way she likes her sister if she got a bunny, she got really upset and said she knows she's ugly and that's why eveyone likes youngest better.

I took both girls across the road to the neighbours and went back home and had the biggest argument with my wife we've ever had in 10 years of marriage, I'm not proud of it but I really lost my cool and accused my wife of neglecting eldest daughter and told her she's causing her to have body issues etc by the way she treats her, in the heat of the moment I packed a bag for myself and eldest and moved out.

But I've now had time to cool down and I realise I don't want to go back, I don't want my eldest to have to live everyday being compared to her sister and not feeling loved, living in her sisters shadow constantly having to hear how beautiful and amazing she is.

My wife has phoned over 20 times and left numerous texts and voicemails, I can't bring mysel to reply yet. I don't think it's good for eldest to be around her mother from now on until she can learn to treat them the same, I want eldest to live with me and youngest to spend half the time with me.

I know it's likely an unusual situation but would I stand a chance with this in court? I'm really worried about the way eldest is talking about herself and I think I'm going to need to get her some professional help, I obviously don't want her to never see her mum again, I just want her to have a brake from having to deal with her behaviour and for wife to slowly one on one build a relationship up with her without comparing her to youngest.

OP posts:
Tbrh · 15/04/2025 21:56

This reply has been deleted

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JustSawJohnny · 15/04/2025 21:57

I just wanted to say well done, OP.

That is how you prioritise your children's well being over your own needs.

I really hope you manage to keep DS1 safe in the long term.

Your wife does sound awfully cold and cruel.

Simplynotsimple · 15/04/2025 21:59

SuperTrooper14 · 15/04/2025 21:51

Going to agree to disagree – his daughter was distressed at her mother's reaction to the bunny and him taking her out of that environment was necessary and right in that moment. As for your comment people would rightly point out that if she really thought the other parent was abusive, she wouldn’t have left one of her children behind, the whole point is that he knows his wife wouldn't never dream of treating their youngest in the same cruel and damaging way. The youngest isn't being harmed by her mother, it's just the eldest. FWIW I do think he should let his wife know where they are but he wasn't wrong to leave. And yes, it's fine to call a six-year-old nasty if that's how they're behaving towards their sibling.

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the whole point is that he knows his wife wouldn't never dream of treating their youngest in the same cruel and damaging way. The youngest isn't being harmed by her mother, it's just the eldest.

Probaby the most naive thing said on this thread and that’s saying something. Of course the love bombing of the youngest is harmful and emotional abuse. Worse in the sense that it’s not blatant. It’s exactly like being in a relationship with a narcissist, they tell you you’re the most special person, cause friction with your loved ones, make you feel they’re the only one who ‘gets you’. So when it’s a situation where it’s only you and them, and they turn on you, no one believes you. You end up behaving as they want to keep favour, and as a child that’s even worse because it’s hard wired into you. Eventually you just become an extension of that person, who emotionally manipulates you, reminds you that the rest of your loved ones left you. It’s a far more hidden abuse, but not any lesser than what the eldest has gone through.

FortyElephants · 15/04/2025 22:03

Tandora · 15/04/2025 21:10

That’s literally what he has done?

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He's her father, he hasn't kidnapped her

Gustavo77 · 15/04/2025 22:03

My mother sounds a lot like your wife and it's left me with life long issues. My dad is scared of my mother and always sides with her against me even now so he doesn't get on her bad side and triggers her wrath.

Thank you so much for putting your daughters welfare first and for standing up to your wife. I wish my dad was half the man and father you are. You'd daughter is very lucky to have you.

SuperTrooper14 · 15/04/2025 22:04

Simplynotsimple · 15/04/2025 21:59

the whole point is that he knows his wife wouldn't never dream of treating their youngest in the same cruel and damaging way. The youngest isn't being harmed by her mother, it's just the eldest.

Probaby the most naive thing said on this thread and that’s saying something. Of course the love bombing of the youngest is harmful and emotional abuse. Worse in the sense that it’s not blatant. It’s exactly like being in a relationship with a narcissist, they tell you you’re the most special person, cause friction with your loved ones, make you feel they’re the only one who ‘gets you’. So when it’s a situation where it’s only you and them, and they turn on you, no one believes you. You end up behaving as they want to keep favour, and as a child that’s even worse because it’s hard wired into you. Eventually you just become an extension of that person, who emotionally manipulates you, reminds you that the rest of your loved ones left you. It’s a far more hidden abuse, but not any lesser than what the eldest has gone through.

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You're right, I stand corrected - the mother is damaging the youngest in her own way.

CleverButScatty · 15/04/2025 22:04

Startinganew32 · 15/04/2025 20:51

Child protection law is part of family law. So you’re a family solicitor yet you talk about “custody”, and proclaim that it will be awarded on a 50/50 basis. You might wish to refresh your legal knowledge.

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Why do people on Mumsnet do this? The poster (who qualified and experienced in this field) has offered some balanced and helpful advice.

pleasepleasepleasedontmakemedothefolding · 15/04/2025 22:05

Thank you for getting the courage up to tell your wife that her behaviour is having real impacts on your children (and you). I was always my mum's least favourite, I knew that I was my dad's, but my mum was around more. It verged and was fully into bullying level towards the end of the living at home years. I WISH that my dad had the backbone to stick up for me, but he didn't. He frequently told me he knew he she was wrong but that he didn't want to rock the boat for himself. I ended up with a 10+ year eating disorder as a result of my mum. It took years of self destructing and finally therapy to figure out that she was the issue. If you want any come back from this, I strongly suggest family therapy.

CleverButScatty · 15/04/2025 22:06

grumpygrape · 15/04/2025 21:40

Sorry, but the 'advice' in that post was seriously flawed.

OP hasn't take his older daughter away for days, weeks, months. He's (hopefully) removed her temporarily from a toxic situation. If he takes on board some of the advice given to him here regarding Relate, counselling, etc. the situation may be resolved but he has every right to take his daughter away for a while if he feels it's best for her.

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The pp is a solicitor in the field. Are you qualified to dismiss their advice as poor?

FortyElephants · 15/04/2025 22:08

CleverButScatty · 15/04/2025 22:04

Why do people on Mumsnet do this? The poster (who qualified and experienced in this field) has offered some balanced and helpful advice.

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The advice wasn't good advice, and you only have their word that they are qualified and experienced. When a so called professional in a field uses terminology that is completely wrong and gives advice that is misleading (such as that the mother could report him to police for being on the run with the DD) it's wise to question a) the reliability of their credentials and therefore b) how useful the advice is.

FortyElephants · 15/04/2025 22:09

CleverButScatty · 15/04/2025 22:06

The pp is a solicitor in the field. Are you qualified to dismiss their advice as poor?

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How do you know they are a solicitor?

Original poster
George805 · 15/04/2025 22:10

Thank you to the person who linked the counselling website, that has been very helpful. Sorry for taking so long to come back, I've been busy trying to sort things. I have spoken with my wife and I will not be returning home, myself and eldest daughter will be living with my parents. Things need to change, I will be seeing youngest daughter of course but I already know I'm not going to be popular with her because whilst in my care she will not be having makeup and will only have children's clothing on offer to her not the adult style clothing my wife likes to dress her in. I'm not inrested in the comments acusing me of favouring eldest daughter because that simply is not true, I'm simply protecting my daughter, I don't like singing and dancing but I do it as it makes my youngest happy and I'd be thrilled if I never had to see another bug for as long as I live but I show an interest in them because it makes eldest happy, that's what being a parent is all about. I'm sorry to hear how many of you have experianced the same from your own mothers, I'm just sorry it took me so long to take eldest away from it. Thank you to the ones who have been helpful.

OP posts:
xanthomelana · 15/04/2025 22:10

Honestly I wish I had someone who had taken me as a child when my mother displayed the same behaviour as your wife. It damaged the relationship between me and my sister for years and it’s only now we are in our forties and she’s realised that my mother is not a nice person that it’s healed. I think you’ve shown your wife it’s not okay and one day your daughter will look back on this and realise that you were in her corner. As a result of my mother’s behaviour I’ve never had a relationship with her as such, even when we lived on the same street. I hope you can resolve this and there’s some good advice on this thread, ignore the people who are saying you are wrong and concentrate on your daughters and hopefully you can undo the damage before it’s too late.

Original poster
George805 · 15/04/2025 22:11

And for the absolutely ridiculous people acusing me of kidnapping my own child I'm not even going to argue with you because if you don't understand the fact that a father leaving the house with his child is not against the law then there's no hope for you

OP posts:
SuperTrooper14 · 15/04/2025 22:12

George805 · 15/04/2025 22:10

Thank you to the person who linked the counselling website, that has been very helpful. Sorry for taking so long to come back, I've been busy trying to sort things. I have spoken with my wife and I will not be returning home, myself and eldest daughter will be living with my parents. Things need to change, I will be seeing youngest daughter of course but I already know I'm not going to be popular with her because whilst in my care she will not be having makeup and will only have children's clothing on offer to her not the adult style clothing my wife likes to dress her in. I'm not inrested in the comments acusing me of favouring eldest daughter because that simply is not true, I'm simply protecting my daughter, I don't like singing and dancing but I do it as it makes my youngest happy and I'd be thrilled if I never had to see another bug for as long as I live but I show an interest in them because it makes eldest happy, that's what being a parent is all about. I'm sorry to hear how many of you have experianced the same from your own mothers, I'm just sorry it took me so long to take eldest away from it. Thank you to the ones who have been helpful.

What was your wife's reaction to you deciding not to return?

CBC12345 · 15/04/2025 22:15

As someone who grew up just like your eldest daughter - well done! Protect her at all costs, show her that being her authentic self is just what she should be, it’s awful her mother doesn’t see this

menopausalfart · 15/04/2025 22:15

From what you've said here, you're doing the right thing for your family. Your DDs are very lucky to have you as a parent.

chillibuns · 15/04/2025 22:19

I think you’ve done the right thing to protect your daughter.

Randomthoughts992 · 15/04/2025 22:19

you did a good job. Well done!!! Shes neglecting and emotionally abusing her child because she doesnt fit into her standards. Awful

Omgblueskys · 15/04/2025 22:23

Tandora · 15/04/2025 21:35

If your child’s other parent took your child away without your consent and you didn’t know where they were and couldn’t get them back, what would you consider that? Yes the police won’t intervene because they are still in the care of a legal parent, but no way will a family court look on this behaviour favourably.

It’s an absolute disgrace that people are encouraging this behaviour .

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Oh right so now op has ' kidnapped his daughter and ran away and definitely not told wife we're they are' ??? Tandora are you making this up as you go along,
Stop with the shitty comments, winding people up, whats with you ffs

TheFairyCaravan · 15/04/2025 22:23

Tandora · 15/04/2025 21:31

I think it’s an absolute disgrace that you are condoning behaviour like this over some upset over a teddy. That is not a dangerous situation that requires emergency removal of a child from her parent and sister without anyone else’s knowledge or consent.
We barely have any facts here and only one side of the story.
This Whole thread is appalling and you all should be ashamed of yourselves.

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The OP has not removed the child over an argument over a teddy, fgs. He’s taken his daughter to a safe environment after witnessing her being abused over a long period of time, by her mother. Abuse doesn’t just have to be physical, it’s psychological too. This poor little girl has already noticed that her mother treats her sister differently to how she’s treated and it will be having a detrimental effect on her.

The reason why I’m on the OP’s side is because I was that little girl and it fucked me up. I wish to god someone had removed me from my “mother” because then, maybe, I wouldn’t still have issues as a 54yr old woman. This isn’t about a teddy, it’s so much more than that. It’s a shame you can’t see that.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 15/04/2025 22:23

Well done

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 15/04/2025 22:24

You've done the right thing. As you've already said, you need to explain things to your eldest daughter without making her feel guilty for you taking her away from the situation.

OpheliaWasntMad · 15/04/2025 22:26

George805 · 15/04/2025 22:11

And for the absolutely ridiculous people acusing me of kidnapping my own child I'm not even going to argue with you because if you don't understand the fact that a father leaving the house with his child is not against the law then there's no hope for you

It’s not against the law . ( and I support your actions on the basis of what you’ve said here)
But … it is right to say that a parent ( mum or dad) should always know where their child is .
Parents have a duty of care and if your wife didn’t know where her daughter was she would be within her rights to phone the police.
The pp was right that you should keep your wife informed.

Hastentoadd · 15/04/2025 22:26

George805 · 15/04/2025 22:11

And for the absolutely ridiculous people acusing me of kidnapping my own child I'm not even going to argue with you because if you don't understand the fact that a father leaving the house with his child is not against the law then there's no hope for you

Exactly, ignore them, you have more important things to focus on, well done for being so proactive