I have moved out with eldest daughter due to the way my wife treats her.

[George805]

Hi, I am looking for some advice regarding my wife's treatment of eldest daughter.

Two daughters 8 and 6, eldest is a bit of an old soul, loves fossils, history, animals and cares deeply about the planet, she likes to wear t shirts with fossils and bugs on them with jeans and trainers, not interested in latest fashion or trends.

I love my wife but she can be a bit snobby and judgmental at times, she has to follow the latest trends and is in to everything glamorous, youngest daughter is the same, loves fashion, makeup (big no for me as she's too young) she is naturally very talented, does dance and can sing really well, I love both my children equally but I have to be truthful and say that I see a bit of a mean streak in youngest and I'm worried she is growing in to a bit of a bully.

Now the issue is that my wife massively favours youngest daughter, brings her everywhere, constantly buying her things, always calling her the most beautiful girl in the world (whilst eldest is standing right next to her), phone is full of pictures of just her, never stops speaking about her, always got to be right next to her on the sofa/dinner table etc etc

I've pulled her up on this so many times, told her she never spends time with eldest, never compliments her or shows even the slightest interest in what she's doing.

Had a horrible day at work today so stopped off in town on my way home to buy some snacks and treat the girls to a jellycat each, I bought eldest a caterpillar and youngest a bunny, when I arrived home and gave them to the girls my wife was instantly all over the youngest telling her how beautiful her bunny was just like her and didn't say anything about eldest. Eldest left and I went and spoke to her, she asked if I'd change her caterpillar for a bunny, I was shocked as I know for a fact she doesn't like the bunnies, she likes birds and bugs, what she said next floored me and made me feel like I've really failed her, she said mummy would like her the same way she likes her sister if she got a bunny, she got really upset and said she knows she's ugly and that's why eveyone likes youngest better.

I took both girls across the road to the neighbours and went back home and had the biggest argument with my wife we've ever had in 10 years of marriage, I'm not proud of it but I really lost my cool and accused my wife of neglecting eldest daughter and told her she's causing her to have body issues etc by the way she treats her, in the heat of the moment I packed a bag for myself and eldest and moved out.

But I've now had time to cool down and I realise I don't want to go back, I don't want my eldest to have to live everyday being compared to her sister and not feeling loved, living in her sisters shadow constantly having to hear how beautiful and amazing she is.

My wife has phoned over 20 times and left numerous texts and voicemails, I can't bring mysel to reply yet. I don't think it's good for eldest to be around her mother from now on until she can learn to treat them the same, I want eldest to live with me and youngest to spend half the time with me.

I know it's likely an unusual situation but would I stand a chance with this in court? I'm really worried about the way eldest is talking about herself and I think I'm going to need to get her some professional help, I obviously don't want her to never see her mum again, I just want her to have a brake from having to deal with her behaviour and for wife to slowly one on one build a relationship up with her without comparing her to youngest.

Especially how the op has spoken about a 6 year old child, like she’s almost complicit in said abuse
Right and this is also very telling about the reliability of the narration/ judgement here.

Definitely I would yes,
Not an ewful op, he is safeguarding his eldest from nasty mum,
And little one is safe with mum of course she is,
Just stop with the drama,

Not when it’s being weaponised as another poster said. Not when each parent has an obvious preference. Not when a 6 year old is now being fully left to fulfil her mother’s unstable emotional needs because she’s the one who’s ‘liked’ by her. That poor girl has been put in an awful situation by both her parents,

Hi, I'm sorry this sounds like a really shit situation for everyone. It must have been very hard but standing by your eldest daughter was absolutely the right thing to do IMO.

We had a similar set up where there was a lot of friction between DH and DS.

This will not stop until you get professional help. You both need to engage with a parenting counsellor who focuses on helping parents build an emotional connection with their child.

Attend a weekly session. Make notes of where she has acted inappropriately or where your daughter is showing signs of being emotionally abused.

I would highly recommend this route if your wife is willing to give it a go before splitting the family.

This has worked for us and I wish we had done it years ago. It turned out my DH was replicating his own Dad who in turn treated his sons and daughters differently.

No, you should be ashamed for your blatant misandry. You are wilfully ignoring the fact the OP says this is about far more than the teddy. That was just the tipping point for him to react to a long pattern of behaviour that is mentally and emotionally damaging his eldest child. If this was reversed and the mum had removed her child from the dad's toxic and cruel manipulation you'd be praising her to high heaven regardless of the other side of the story. But because OP is a man it must be kidnap.

Sorry, but the 'advice' in that post was seriously flawed.

OP hasn't take his older daughter away for days, weeks, months. He's (hopefully) removed her temporarily from a toxic situation. If he takes on board some of the advice given to him here regarding Relate, counselling, etc. the situation may be resolved but he has every right to take his daughter away for a while if he feels it's best for her.

Thank you for taking your eldest daughter out of this situation. I only wish that more parents did this to protect the least favoured, but nevertheless wonderful, child.

I don't have any knowledge about the legal side of such things, but I wish you and your eldest daughter the best.

I think you’ve done the right thing. Hopefully this will shock mum to look at her actions. You read so many posters on Mumsnet who grew up with this behaviour. I’d wait a couple of days, make it fun for your eldest. And when you go home you say to your wife this is the last chance, or that’s the end of the marriage. If you don’t protect your daughter than no one will.

@grumpygrapewell, whether you have heard of it or not that role does in fact exist- either that or I’m being paid a good salary for a confabulated job! :) Parental rights- completely relevant- all parental rights and responsibility holders are perfectly entitled to direct contact with their child unless an other order exists overriding this. Police will of course be interested in the sense of carrying out a welfare check. On the face of it they will presumably receive a call about a missing irate father who is on the run with a young child- of course they will be interested! I can’t see where I have implied either directly or otherwise that any further steps would be taken by police after establishing all is well- but by reacting in this way without confirming the whereabouts of an 8 year old, the OP is at risk of presenting himself in a poor light going forward.

For goodness sake, if one child needs safeguarding from a parent then both of them do, She’s not actually meeting the needs of either child if this story is actually factual, the 6 year old needs just as much removing from the situation as the eldest if the mother is actually capable of emotional abuse.

I don’t have to “consent” to my children’s father taking them anywhere, because he is their father and has much right to take them somewhere as I do.
More than that, if I thought his behaviour was harming them I’d remove my children in a heartbeat and I wouldn’t be waiting for his “permission” to do it.
The message OPs daughter needed to receive, and did receive, is that in a home where she feels unimportant and loved less, that someone has her back and will stand up for her.
To you, it’s a silly row about a teddy. It isn’t to that little girl. And her vocalising how she felt about it is indicative of a pervasive wearing down of her self worth.

I just want to say that I'm happy to see a man behaving like a decent human being and standing for his child. I don't think I've ever seen that in real life.
It's a shit situation but seeing you on her side will probably save your DD's life.

You sound like a wonderful caring dad. Your poor daughter. I think you’ve done the right thing. I have no idea what the next move is, but you had to do something.

it is not a situation that requires emergency removal of a child from their parent without their knowledge or consent , no professional would see it that way. The OP’s behaviour is completely inappropriate . It will not look good in a family court, nor will his attitude of wanting to separate the children or calling his 6 year old “nasty”. If a woman posted this she would never receive support for behaving like this, people would rightly point out that if she really thought the other parent was abusive , she wouldn’t have left one of her children behind.

I have rarely been so shocked by a thread.

I’m hiding this thread now because it’s a disgrace.

Is it maybe not telling you something about your reading of this situation that there is only one other poster who has agreed with you on this?

Fair enough. But if a parent takes a child away they should definitely let the other parent know that the child is safe

I really admire what you have done OP to protect your child. No advice, but really hoping you find the right way through this. You are right that your child should not be subjected to her mother's toxic behaviour and its brilliant that you stand up for her. Wishing you well in all your choices now.
I met two adult sisters and their mother once. Just as with your wife, the mother massively favoured and identified with the younger daughter, and said she had more in common as though that was an excuse for her neglevct and horrible comparisons. She was not even as extreme as your DW, but not only was the older sister unhappy in herself and felt the pain of rejection, but the younger one was quite infantile and messed up too. And the sisters did not have a good relationship with each other. What your wife is doing is hurting the children individually and causing future family rifts and divisions. Hoping you are able to prevent that somehow. Good luck.🍀

Going to agree to disagree – his daughter was distressed at her mother's reaction to the bunny and him taking her out of that environment was necessary and right in that moment. As for your comment people would rightly point out that if she really thought the other parent was abusive, she wouldn’t have left one of her children behind, the whole point is that he knows his wife wouldn't never dream of treating their youngest in the same cruel and damaging way. The youngest isn't being harmed by her mother, it's just the eldest. FWIW I do think he should let his wife know where they are but he wasn't wrong to leave. And yes, it's fine to call a six-year-old nasty if that's how they're behaving towards their sibling.

That is terrible behaviour from DW.
Well done for taking a stand for DD1.

Whilst I don’t agree fully with @Tandora as I don’t believe this is tantamount to kidnapping, I am shocked at the double standards here. Women falling over themselves to tell a man he’s doing such a wonderful thing when it’s evidently only half the case. And a huge amount of double standards and missing the mark completely when it comes to the wellbeing of a 6 year old child in all of this, the blatant favouritism of both children that both parents will cause longterm harm to.

I'm glad you are sticking up for your eldest daughter. She should never ever feel like she has to change to fit in. FWIW, she sounds awesome! Personally I'd much rather spend a day looking for fossils on a beach or under rock for bugs than the usual "girly" stuff.

It's a shame your wife can't even feign an interest in your elder daughter and her hobbies, or give her a compliment on her strengths and achievements.

I hope your daughter never feels like she has to change who she is in order to meet her mums approval. She is fantastic as she is.

To those who are condemning the OP because he hasn't (yet) rescued DD2 as well, my take from everything that's been said so far is this:

1. This happened today. He saw his child distraught because of the way she had just been treated, he felt that she needed to be removed from that immediate situation and he did what he could to do that. This is an interim solution. There is time to sort out the ins and outs of it. DD2 was not distressed at the time.
2. He has come here and asked for advice. That's not the action of a person who has already made up their mind and refused to listen to any other opinions.

OP, I think you should let your wife know where you are if you haven't already, but don't get drawn into another long argument. Everybody needs some time to get their heads round what's happened.

And all the lawyers accusing each other of getting their terminology wrong are seriously missing the point.

Apart from the fact that your wife doesn't relate as well to your eldest DD is there any other reason why her bond with her might be less than it is with your younger DD?

He hasn’t said he won’t, just that he hasn’t yet. If he’s been reading the posts on here he may well already have contacted her but why would his wife have any reason to think the eldest daughter wouldn’t be safe with him. He’s her father, he is jointly responsible for her safety.