I have moved out with eldest daughter due to the way my wife treats her.

[George805]

Hi, I am looking for some advice regarding my wife's treatment of eldest daughter.

Two daughters 8 and 6, eldest is a bit of an old soul, loves fossils, history, animals and cares deeply about the planet, she likes to wear t shirts with fossils and bugs on them with jeans and trainers, not interested in latest fashion or trends.

I love my wife but she can be a bit snobby and judgmental at times, she has to follow the latest trends and is in to everything glamorous, youngest daughter is the same, loves fashion, makeup (big no for me as she's too young) she is naturally very talented, does dance and can sing really well, I love both my children equally but I have to be truthful and say that I see a bit of a mean streak in youngest and I'm worried she is growing in to a bit of a bully.

Now the issue is that my wife massively favours youngest daughter, brings her everywhere, constantly buying her things, always calling her the most beautiful girl in the world (whilst eldest is standing right next to her), phone is full of pictures of just her, never stops speaking about her, always got to be right next to her on the sofa/dinner table etc etc

I've pulled her up on this so many times, told her she never spends time with eldest, never compliments her or shows even the slightest interest in what she's doing.

Had a horrible day at work today so stopped off in town on my way home to buy some snacks and treat the girls to a jellycat each, I bought eldest a caterpillar and youngest a bunny, when I arrived home and gave them to the girls my wife was instantly all over the youngest telling her how beautiful her bunny was just like her and didn't say anything about eldest. Eldest left and I went and spoke to her, she asked if I'd change her caterpillar for a bunny, I was shocked as I know for a fact she doesn't like the bunnies, she likes birds and bugs, what she said next floored me and made me feel like I've really failed her, she said mummy would like her the same way she likes her sister if she got a bunny, she got really upset and said she knows she's ugly and that's why eveyone likes youngest better.

I took both girls across the road to the neighbours and went back home and had the biggest argument with my wife we've ever had in 10 years of marriage, I'm not proud of it but I really lost my cool and accused my wife of neglecting eldest daughter and told her she's causing her to have body issues etc by the way she treats her, in the heat of the moment I packed a bag for myself and eldest and moved out.

But I've now had time to cool down and I realise I don't want to go back, I don't want my eldest to have to live everyday being compared to her sister and not feeling loved, living in her sisters shadow constantly having to hear how beautiful and amazing she is.

My wife has phoned over 20 times and left numerous texts and voicemails, I can't bring mysel to reply yet. I don't think it's good for eldest to be around her mother from now on until she can learn to treat them the same, I want eldest to live with me and youngest to spend half the time with me.

I know it's likely an unusual situation but would I stand a chance with this in court? I'm really worried about the way eldest is talking about herself and I think I'm going to need to get her some professional help, I obviously don't want her to never see her mum again, I just want her to have a brake from having to deal with her behaviour and for wife to slowly one on one build a relationship up with her without comparing her to youngest.

Some upset over a teddy? You cannot be serious are you? You are minimising this all through the thread. Why is that?

I'm going to be completely honest, I think you will need to prove your daughter is being emotional harmed by your wife, if you want your eldest to live with you. I say this because, my ex partner's ex wife tried for full residency of both children. CAFCASS were involved, as both boys had the chance to say who they'd prefer to live with. The eldest wanted to live with his Mum and the youngest stay with his Dad. Both boys at that time were living full-time with their Dad, as their Mum had walked out and left their Dad for another man, leaving them behind. Their Mum changed her mind, when she realised the youngest wanted to stay with his Dad, and went for full residency of the eldest (he was 11 at the time) only. In Court the Judge refused point blank to split the boys up, and tore a strip of her for even considering it, let alone submitting the Court documents. He also tore a strip off her solicitor for not advising her properly too. Unless you have proof your wife is damaging your eldest emotionally, then I don't see any Judge allowing both girls to be separated. You would either have to go for residency for both or neither.

As a former scapegoat, thank you for protecting your daughter

Bravo to you sir for standing up for your eldest daughter.

NO , so treating little one like a princess, is now emotional abuse, really,
just stop for a minute a read op post, little one is fine with mum ,

Not if she knew the DD was with her father. Parents don't have the right (in law I assume you mean) to know where their children are if they are with someone else who shares PR. The father in this case is presumed to be responsible for the child so why should the mother have a legal right to know where they are? Why would the police enforce that?

OP well done for acting, your eldest will really respect this in time. I have two daughters so completely different to the point that my youngest had zero hand me downs as not sparkly enough and no skirts! But they are so both equal and special in their own way. Sorry your wife seems so cold to your eldest, goes against the grain of being a mum? Good luck, so glad she has you plus her younger sister, in time of course.

You are favouring your eldest daughter because you have taken her away and left your younger girl behind. You say you will be “seeing” your younger daughter, but that’s pretty vague. Why are you not more concerned about spending time with her? You sound pretty negative about her, honestly. At six years old I’m sure you can distract her away from makeup and clothes by offering other interesting, fun things for her to think about/do. She needs to have a good relationship with you just as your older girl needs to have a good relationship with her mother. You should invest your energy into making that possible.

I think you have done the right thing for now. But please be very careful that your oldest doesn’t start blaming herself for breaking up the family. Hopefully you can all get some family counselling and sort things out.

For the poster who said I've overreacted and it's just a teddy, why are you deliberately ignoring all other parts of the post? My daughter crying saying mummy doesn't love her because she's ugly, my wife showering youngest with love and calling her the most beautiful girl In the world I front of eldest daughter, the list goes on and on. You only need to read the comments from posters on here to see that unfortunately it's quiet common for mothers to treat their daughters like this and until she changes her ways she will need to fight me for access to eldest

I think you’ve done the right thing. I really hope your DD is ok

Another organisation that could offer some immediate advice is [email protected] 0808 802 6666 lines open 9am-9pm Monday to Friday.
You're in a difficult situation and doing your best for your daughters.
Advice on here isn't always impartial and people tend to project but it's clear that most people really feel for your daughters and support your efforts to protect them.

As far as the OP is concerned, what does "I've pulled her up on this so many times" even mean? How has he gone from that to immediately moving out with one child and hoping to have custody of her?

The first post seemed to suggest that some moral high ground has been claimed, but now two siblings are apart from one another, one of whom has been taken out of her family home all of a sudden. Is she really going to view this as being better for her? She is eight. She's been removed from her home. Might she view that as a punishment, as though she has done something wrong to be taken away from her mother and her sister who (I assume) she loves? This might have been the obvious solution in the moment, but is definitely problematic, and could have been avoided if OP had acted a bit more firmly up until now and tried to resolve the obvious problems before getting to this point. It's a nice big gesture, but maybe not as effective as trying to get a handle on the situation earlier.

Hopefully this explains a bit more about what I meant in my previous post and nobody else will feel the need to call me "a moron".

Please ignore all the shitty comments OP. It's amazing how MN reacts when it's a man who posts. If this was a woman there would be no question she has done the right thing!

Well done to you for removing your daughter from that toxic environment. I hope you manage to find a way forward that's best for both your children

I think you have said you are in Scotland? This is not the case in England.

If a woman had left one child behind there’d be one hell of a commotion on here.

You may also need to mentally plan for the eventuality that she doesn't fight you for the eldest, just the youngest. It's a worst-case-scenario, but it's not that much of a stretch if we take your explanation of the situation at face value (you are, after all, Someone On The Internet - genuinely no offence intended!).

Anyway, my point is...what will it do to your eldest if her mother just says, "Meh, whatever, but you're not taking DD6"?

While I'm thinking about it, are they at the same school? If so, are there likely to be any problems there? Not just with the two of them interacting, but either of them saying concerning things to their teachers (especially if DD6 is coached by her mother - again, not that much of a stretch if she's been willing to let the youngest bully the eldest in front of her). Could be an idea to get ahead of that first thing, the school might even be able to recommend some form of counselling for your eldest.

You can't block your wife from seeing her DD. That would cause everyone even more pain, especially your DDs.

There are always a few determined trolls on posts on Mumsnet unfortunately.

OP, I don't support your wife's behaviour here (and I relate to your eldest in some ways in terms of her interests), but you've also acted unwisely or poorly as well.

in the heat of the moment I packed a bag for myself and eldest and moved out

My wife has phoned over 20 times and left numerous texts and voicemails, I can't bring mysel to reply yet

She must have bit at her wits' end as to where you took your daughter. Not answering like that when she had called 20 times for fuck's sake is just incredibly cruel and irresponsible, in the current circumstances. There are times when women have to flee a physically dangerous partner and not tell them where they're going or where they are until they're safe, but this wasn't one of them. I understand that you must have felt angry at your wife's behaviour and actions, but this was completely over-the-top.

Also, how are you going to explain all of this to your youngest? I understand you don't like this mean streak of hers, but you seem to have considered this small child a lost cause because she's currently more like her mother, when her personality isn't fully developed yet.

Your wife and your marriage may well be a lost cause if she's this unkind towards her eldest, and I'm glad that you've recognised the mother's behaviour as very damaging and are willing to do something about it to try and improve the situation, but I think you need to slow every thing right down before taking any drastic actions.

Taking what he's said at face value, I think the more likely (and more damaging) scenario is that he doesn't need to block her from seeing DD, because she wouldn't necessarily be that bothered.

I've seen that happen before, and the effect on the children is horrifying.

Not if they were not in immediate danger, emotional or physical.

Your wife doesn’t sound like a good mother from what you have said.
Nobody on this thread can be sure that we are being told the full story.
I hope your daughters are both given the care and support they need.

“I love my wife but she can be a bit snobby and judgmental at times, ”

Why did you marry her?

Yes