I have moved out with eldest daughter due to the way my wife treats her.

[George805]

Hi, I am looking for some advice regarding my wife's treatment of eldest daughter.

Two daughters 8 and 6, eldest is a bit of an old soul, loves fossils, history, animals and cares deeply about the planet, she likes to wear t shirts with fossils and bugs on them with jeans and trainers, not interested in latest fashion or trends.

I love my wife but she can be a bit snobby and judgmental at times, she has to follow the latest trends and is in to everything glamorous, youngest daughter is the same, loves fashion, makeup (big no for me as she's too young) she is naturally very talented, does dance and can sing really well, I love both my children equally but I have to be truthful and say that I see a bit of a mean streak in youngest and I'm worried she is growing in to a bit of a bully.

Now the issue is that my wife massively favours youngest daughter, brings her everywhere, constantly buying her things, always calling her the most beautiful girl in the world (whilst eldest is standing right next to her), phone is full of pictures of just her, never stops speaking about her, always got to be right next to her on the sofa/dinner table etc etc

I've pulled her up on this so many times, told her she never spends time with eldest, never compliments her or shows even the slightest interest in what she's doing.

Had a horrible day at work today so stopped off in town on my way home to buy some snacks and treat the girls to a jellycat each, I bought eldest a caterpillar and youngest a bunny, when I arrived home and gave them to the girls my wife was instantly all over the youngest telling her how beautiful her bunny was just like her and didn't say anything about eldest. Eldest left and I went and spoke to her, she asked if I'd change her caterpillar for a bunny, I was shocked as I know for a fact she doesn't like the bunnies, she likes birds and bugs, what she said next floored me and made me feel like I've really failed her, she said mummy would like her the same way she likes her sister if she got a bunny, she got really upset and said she knows she's ugly and that's why eveyone likes youngest better.

I took both girls across the road to the neighbours and went back home and had the biggest argument with my wife we've ever had in 10 years of marriage, I'm not proud of it but I really lost my cool and accused my wife of neglecting eldest daughter and told her she's causing her to have body issues etc by the way she treats her, in the heat of the moment I packed a bag for myself and eldest and moved out.

But I've now had time to cool down and I realise I don't want to go back, I don't want my eldest to have to live everyday being compared to her sister and not feeling loved, living in her sisters shadow constantly having to hear how beautiful and amazing she is.

My wife has phoned over 20 times and left numerous texts and voicemails, I can't bring mysel to reply yet. I don't think it's good for eldest to be around her mother from now on until she can learn to treat them the same, I want eldest to live with me and youngest to spend half the time with me.

I know it's likely an unusual situation but would I stand a chance with this in court? I'm really worried about the way eldest is talking about herself and I think I'm going to need to get her some professional help, I obviously don't want her to never see her mum again, I just want her to have a brake from having to deal with her behaviour and for wife to slowly one on one build a relationship up with her without comparing her to youngest.

I think one of the reasons there are so many posts here is that we all recognise this sort of favouritism happens in families and some of us have personal knowledge about how damaging it is. There is no easy answer here ( unless the mother commits to counselling and changes the treatment of her children)
I wish the OP all the best - whatever you do just put the children first and love them both for who they are . ( fwiw I was the geeky ugly eldest child and my father was pretty great but didn’t feel he could leave the situation. I don’t blame him. )

Can’t add much practical advice, but wanted to say well done. You sound line you’ve tried to be balanced in how you’ve explained the situation and I think you e done the right thing. At the very least it shows your wife you’re serious and gives you time to work out a plan. Do you have an employee assistance scheme you could use for advice? Done big companies offer this; it usually covers all manner of issues and is anonymous.

My sister was similar with her children but for a different reason.
She was a victim of DV, so severe that she had an epileptic fit. It wiped her memory.
She had a 2 year old and a 4 year old.
She was vile to the 4 year old but because the younger one had yet to form his personality he soon became the golden child.
My Mother and Father had the older one come to love with them.
He is 30 now, turned in a lovely man but still has a frosty relationship with his mum.

You have done the right thing by taking your eldest out of the situation.
I hope your wife can see what you have done is best for your girl.

Nothing worse than splitting siblings up, for both of them.
Theyll never recover from this if you don’t tread carefully and fix this asap

Why are you saying such stupid things?

Kidnapping is the unlawful taking and carrying away of a person against their will. It is not unlawful for a parent to take their child to their grandparents house, nor is there anything that suggests it was against his eldest will.

You might be thinking of child abduction but, unless the OP's parents live in a different country, this isn't that, either.

My mother constantly put me down over the years for absolutely no reason, I’m 49f and still emotionally scarred from it
You are right to have removed your daughter from the situation, I truly cannot understand how some mothers can be so nasty and wicked towards their own daughters …. Their own flesh and blood!!

I feel so sad for your eldest. 😢 She sounds lovely too.

I'd look at getting her some therapy to talk about things in a safe space.

I'm assuming you have already reassured her she is lovely and amazing, and I think it's absolutely okay to tell her you understand how she is feeling and don't agree with the way her mum is treating her. It's emotional abuse. 😔

The younger one in the long run won't benefit from your wife's treatment of her as the golden child either. As you're already observing, she's not becoming a nice character growing up thinking she's the centre of the universe with a focus on being beautiful and fashionable etc and her mum modelling being cruel and dismissive of her sister. There's no wonder she is already showing traits of potentially becoming a bully.

I think separating seems wise. Mum may battle you or she may not. I'd suggest booking some relate sessions as a couple of discuss it all.

I'd also let the kid's school know the situation.

He’s realised his daughter is being abused and acted decisively in an emergency situation to protect the child being most obviously harmed. I’m sure he’ll take the younger one away from the situation also.

No one has been kidnapped fgs. The child’s father has removed her from an abusive situation. Get a grip.

You absolutely did the right thing, op. You likely will need family counseling with both girls though, your relationship with your youngest will need addressing as she may feel left behind, but it's overall the best move. It's too unhealthy for your oldest to live with her mom, I think.

This is very true. Realistically, family court judges would expect that the children maintain a relationship with both parents. And both children are being harmed by the favouritism. Don’t be under any illusion that your younger child is fine.

don't think it's good for eldest to be around her mother from now on until she can learn to treat them the same,

How is she going to do that OP if she isn’t around the child? It’s great that you’re advocating for your child, I’m not disputing that, but as someone who’s been through family court system with an ex who was abusive to me and our children I’ve learnt the hard way what the expectations are. Your daughter wants a better relationship with her mother and it’s up to all of the adults involved to ensure that happens. If your wife wants to, she can fix this. It’s her responsibility to do that but it’s your responsibility to allow that to happen.

This must be so hard for your eldest!! You don’t get to pick and choose who your children will be and what they will be interested in and it is very unfair that your wife doesn’t seem to care about her child because she doesn’t have the same interests as her 🥺

My mum was also a shallow, narcissistic, self-serving, self absorbed bitch who wouldn't last 2 minutes in a therapist's room. I waited years for my Dad to come along and save me and he never did.

If anything your daughter's self esteem will increase massively when she realises none of it is her fault.

Fucking well done, I say. Go for it. More men should be doing this. You should be getting support all the way if people understand that type of abuse properly, but lots really don't sadly which is why you're getting some very misguided responses.

There are definitely worse things than splitting siblings up.

wtf are you on about?

Although I’m not saying there is no such thing, I have never heard of a ‘Child protection solicitor’ and to take about ‘parental rights’ in a legal sense is rubbish. OP is quite at liberty to take his daughter away for a while. Any call to the Police will ascertain he has ‘Parental Responsibility’ so the Police can’t act.

I think it’s an absolute disgrace that you are condoning behaviour like this over some upset over a teddy. That is not a dangerous situation that requires emergency removal of a child from her parent and sister without anyone else’s knowledge or consent.
We barely have any facts here and only one side of the story.
This Whole thread is appalling and you all should be ashamed of yourselves.

OP, for what it’s worth, I think you’ve done the right thing. Your daughter needed you to advocate for her and you’ve done that. Your wife will either get the wake up call she needs, or she’ll dig her heels in.
Eithwr way, your role now is to continue to make sure that both your daughters needs are met. It’s unlikely that the courts will allow full time for one child and 50/50 for the other, that would rarely be in the best interest of the children to separate them like that.
If your concerns re your wife’s care of the eldest are genuine, and I believe they are, raise that at the earliest (and every!) available opportunity with your legal representation when engaging in any family court proceedings. They may well be able to request that your wife undertakes some work/parenting courses in this area. It may be that up until now your wife has been completely ignorant to the impact of her behaviour on your daughter. I hope for all concerned she can see the full extent of it now and take steps to remedy it.
Wishing you all the best.

I fear that both of these very young children are being weaponised. As others have said, let your wife know her daughter is safe.

I’m supportive of the OP but I think the advice given is good advice. The family courts will look more kindly on a father who has acted to avoid unnecessary anxiety and stress for all involved

@Tandorayou are talking out of you arse and not adding anything of value to this conversation

If your child’s other parent took your child away without your consent and you didn’t know where they were and couldn’t get them back, what would you consider that? Yes the police won’t intervene because they are still in the care of a legal parent, but no way will a family court look on this behaviour favourably.

It’s an absolute disgrace that people are encouraging this behaviour .

Correct.

I doubt the poster has any legal qualification

He has said he’s probably look at having the other daughter 50/50. And again, no mother on here would be praised for only removing one child from an emotionally abusive situation. Especially how the op has spoken about a 6 year old child, like she’s almost complicit in said abuse and the eldest needs protection from this very young child like she’s a difficult classmate and not also his daughter. No mother would leave her 6 year old child behind in an emergency situation.

No I’m not I’m adding some badly needed sense to this thread which is appalling. And it (appalling behaviour) is how it will be seen by the courts- so actually you are not doing this man, or either of his children, any favours.