I have moved out with eldest daughter due to the way my wife treats her.

[George805]

Hi, I am looking for some advice regarding my wife's treatment of eldest daughter.

Two daughters 8 and 6, eldest is a bit of an old soul, loves fossils, history, animals and cares deeply about the planet, she likes to wear t shirts with fossils and bugs on them with jeans and trainers, not interested in latest fashion or trends.

I love my wife but she can be a bit snobby and judgmental at times, she has to follow the latest trends and is in to everything glamorous, youngest daughter is the same, loves fashion, makeup (big no for me as she's too young) she is naturally very talented, does dance and can sing really well, I love both my children equally but I have to be truthful and say that I see a bit of a mean streak in youngest and I'm worried she is growing in to a bit of a bully.

Now the issue is that my wife massively favours youngest daughter, brings her everywhere, constantly buying her things, always calling her the most beautiful girl in the world (whilst eldest is standing right next to her), phone is full of pictures of just her, never stops speaking about her, always got to be right next to her on the sofa/dinner table etc etc

I've pulled her up on this so many times, told her she never spends time with eldest, never compliments her or shows even the slightest interest in what she's doing.

Had a horrible day at work today so stopped off in town on my way home to buy some snacks and treat the girls to a jellycat each, I bought eldest a caterpillar and youngest a bunny, when I arrived home and gave them to the girls my wife was instantly all over the youngest telling her how beautiful her bunny was just like her and didn't say anything about eldest. Eldest left and I went and spoke to her, she asked if I'd change her caterpillar for a bunny, I was shocked as I know for a fact she doesn't like the bunnies, she likes birds and bugs, what she said next floored me and made me feel like I've really failed her, she said mummy would like her the same way she likes her sister if she got a bunny, she got really upset and said she knows she's ugly and that's why eveyone likes youngest better.

I took both girls across the road to the neighbours and went back home and had the biggest argument with my wife we've ever had in 10 years of marriage, I'm not proud of it but I really lost my cool and accused my wife of neglecting eldest daughter and told her she's causing her to have body issues etc by the way she treats her, in the heat of the moment I packed a bag for myself and eldest and moved out.

But I've now had time to cool down and I realise I don't want to go back, I don't want my eldest to have to live everyday being compared to her sister and not feeling loved, living in her sisters shadow constantly having to hear how beautiful and amazing she is.

My wife has phoned over 20 times and left numerous texts and voicemails, I can't bring mysel to reply yet. I don't think it's good for eldest to be around her mother from now on until she can learn to treat them the same, I want eldest to live with me and youngest to spend half the time with me.

I know it's likely an unusual situation but would I stand a chance with this in court? I'm really worried about the way eldest is talking about herself and I think I'm going to need to get her some professional help, I obviously don't want her to never see her mum again, I just want her to have a brake from having to deal with her behaviour and for wife to slowly one on one build a relationship up with her without comparing her to youngest.

You probably argue in front of your kids and think it’s normal for them to be around that. Others don’t ;)

I was your eldest daughter. The treatment I received at home affected all levels of socialisation. I'm really proud of you for taking a stand on your daughter's behalf. Don't question yourself. If you didn't do this now, you would be complicit in the abuse regardless of your own behaviour at home.

Would it be fair to say that your wife is possibly living vicariously through your youngest? She sounds very immature herself.

It’s amazing to see a parent identify a troubling issue in their child’s life and act on it instantly. Both your children will thank you for this in adulthood, putting their needs first above all.

your wife needs to recognise how her parenting has alienated her eldest, whether that be intentional or not the bunny situation clearly shows how her actions have impacted your daughter (and it’s far more than just a teddy- it’s a girl stating she wish she could be different so she could be accepted by her mother, that’s a huge deal) my daughter did something similar for different reasons. She once came home from school and asked me to cut her utterly gorgeous hair off so she could be accepted (apparently long red hair is not cool) from that statement I probed further and found she had been systematically bullied by three individuals who had been relentlessly name calling over a six month period. It got to the point that she no longer wished to be herself. My wonderful, intelligent, kind beautiful daughter wanted to be someone else! For us the way to solve the situation was much more straightforward by involving the school, mediating and fixing the situation (which two of the girls left which undoubtedly helped) However in your case it isn’t so easy.

First your wife needs to acknowledge, she currently is in denial. Grey rock it, don’t accept any rubbish excuse. Once she is finally open to realising her impact, she needs to fix it with her daughter. I disagree that they should remain apart, supervised I do think they need an opportunity to communicate and heal otherwise it’s going to be an issue that becomes insurmountable. Then over a long period of time individually and together they need counselling.

whate happens from this moment on you addressed a situation that was massively affecting your daughter and got her out of it. The hard work starts now.

There’s a lot of feedback here supporting you which is great. I spent my whole childhood wishing someone would swoop in and take me away from my vile mother. Thank you for doing that for your eldest.

I no longer see my family, my mother because she’s vile but also my dad who never once stood up for me - I see him as equally responsible.Your children are lucky you’ve seen the problem and taken the first steps.

I was the scapegoat and my brother the golden child, 30 years on from our childhoods and we are both fucked up in our own ways. As others have said, your youngest is being harmed in different ways to her sister, when considering custody your youngest needs you too. Both of your children are being emotionally abused by your wife in different ways.

Good luck with your next steps. I also have a bug/dinosaur loving DD and she is a total joy. I love hearing her talk about her passions even if they are not one’s I share. A good parent should never make their child feel less than.

Well done for standing up for your daughter and calling your wife out on her bullshit. What a despicable way to treat her daughter :( I would take some time to think things over. Speak to your wife and go from there. Maybe this was the wake call she needed..

You have missed crucial details in the OP and are completely minimising the situation by framing it as “some upset over a teddy”. Get a grip, as numerous other posters have said, and stop making incredibly judgmental posts without basic comprehension.

As far as I can tell, unless I'm missing something, what isn't mentioned is:
1.How has your wife has responded when you point out the problem to her? Does she admit her lapses and promise to do better, or does she claim you're wrong?
2.Have you seen a marriage/family counselor?

Op,

You stood up for your daughter. You haven't let it slide in the past either. In my books, that makes you a good father.

My nieces were in a very similar situation, and for the most ridiculous reason - the older one had strawberry blonde hair and younger one was dark like her mother, so her mother favoured the youngest. This triggered an eating disorder in the eldest. Unfortunately her father rarely stood up for her. She is now a barrister so her mother thinks it's all fine. It's not.

I have no idea how your custody arrangements will go. Best ask a solicitor and follow that advice.

@George805 I think you're a good parent.
Unfortunately on here there are a LOT of women who always think the man is at fault.

Jesus, that's really cold of your wife. I can't believe that she wasn't upset or remorseful when you told her how how distraught your older daughter was. Your poor little girl.

And the mother didn’t even ask to speak to her eldest. How awful. Poor child.

OP, you need advice from a family law solicitor. Your youngest sounds like she’s been manipulated to suit her mum’s preferences and to be valued for looks over kindness or intellect. I don’t have DD, but IMHO a child shouldn’t be encouraged to wear make up and womanly clothes at 6. Imagine if she wants to be free of it all and her mother’s reaction.

I suggest making sure the kids’ school is aware, as it’ll be so difficult for your DDs to see each other at school when they no longer live together. And other kids may find out and ask, tease etc. Plus, they’ll both need support to cope with the trauma of the relationship breakdown. The school may be able to help with counselling, especially to help your eldest cope with her mother’s rejection.

But how will this work if OP's wife refuses to admit that she has done anything wrong? OP has pulled her up on her obvious favouritism for their youngest daughter many times and all his wife says is that she has more in common with the younger daughter.

She hasn't even asked OP if their elder daughter is OK. She doesn't think she has done anything wrong so why on earth do you think that she would agree to attend parenting classes and counselling?

Well done OP. I was your eldest dd it seriously affected my self esteem. I no longer speak to any of my family. My dad must have known but last I heard he was ‘heartbroken’ I was gone. As if. He couldn’t even pick up the phone and call me and I know it’s because he doesn’t have a backbone. Well done you.

I hope you manage to separate your wife and eldest dd for a long time because I’m quite sure (and this was the case for me anyway) that your wife just doesn’t like your eldest and never will.
Nc for years now and much better for it. Wish someone had taken me away aged 8 anyway.

Therapy all around too. Don’t forget your youngest is witnessing it and probably won’t understand for a while but when she does she may also be affected by the eldest treatment.

Good for you, and both your kids - I take it your wife sees absolutely nothing wrong with her behaviour, from what you've said it doesn't seem like she has a fucking clue what she is doing to both kids.

Ignore the people giving you a kicking, for some there will never be a Dad who can do right!

I think you protected your daughter from bullying. Well done, that was the right move. I’m not sure how it will play out but stay true to your values.

Op,

It might be good to txt your wife and offer to meet in a park or cafe so she can see her eldest and you can see your youngest and they can see each other - tell her it would be a good time for her to reassure the 8 year old and apologise.

Then you will have her reaction on text, and a record of you facilitating contact.

OP, my heart breaks for you and your daughters - as another PP pointed out, the golden child is also harmed by your wife's behaviour. You are absolutely doing the right thing. Is there some kind of family counselling you could also do to get your wife to see what she's doing is wrong? She probably isn't open to that but it's maybe worth a try. Your poor eldest - by showing her that her mother's treatment of her is not ok you will be helping her a lot. Hopefully your parents will also help really build her up and give her what your wife refuses to. Best of luck in the situation, I can't imagine how awful this is for you and your little girl.

I was the child who didn’t compare to my younger sister and it destroyed my self esteem. It was my Dad who showered her with gifts and compliments but who ignored me. My Mum told me she loved me extra to make up for it, but that didn’t help to be honest. I loved my sister though and I don’t think I would have wanted to be taken away to live separately from her. We did do family counselling but my Dad didn’t engage. Eventually my sister talked to my Dad when we were late teens and I got some kind of acknowledgment from him about the situation. He said he thought I favoured my Mum as a toddler and this affected our bond. It was better than nothing. As an adult we are civil but it did ruin my childhood and also lead me to make bad decisions as a young person. If your wife is going to make an effort now with your eldest, I think that is what she would most value. I would give her a chance to make amends. I really hope you can all get things back on track somehow.

Yes, I do.

Because as OP tells it, he has simply go e to his parents for a night or two.

Hopefully the whole family will get counselling after this intervention and start to heal from the mother's damage.

And fwiw, I think bitchy women are a scourge. If this helps to fix one and avoid creating another, then bravo.

If you were a woman, the horrible posters would be on your side. My friend lived with her dad so the courts can and have allowed it. I agree that 6 year olds can be bullies. 2 year olds don’t understand, but 6 year olds do.

@George805 this is utterly heartbreaking! your poor daughter must be feeling like shit. I am certainly feeling like shit for her. you have done the correct thing though. it is shocking to think that your wife feels that she has done nothing wrong. the fact that she has not even asked after her daughter is very telling. no stories but watch for signs of depression in your daughter. ignore the silly posters going on about ramsay street or splitting up siblings. you have seen first hand the difference in the treatment of each child. I am sure the youngest, even at the age of 6, is aware she is being treated better than her older sibling. good luck.

This is heartbreaking to read, what a thoroughly nasty cow your wife is. Well done for standing up for your daughter, she desperately needs that. I've seen so many men just put whoever they are getting sex from above their children for an easy life, so it's refreshing to see a different example.

@saltandvinegarchipsticksparental rights are very much alive and kicking in Scots law. I am astonished that after 8 years in family law practice you have not been aware of this or dealt with any cross boundary cases.

First of all, I want to say how deeply validating it is that you’re seeing and advocating for your eldest daughter in a situation where her emotional needs are clearly not being met. Your awareness and willingness to protect her are essential first steps in disrupting a painful family dynamic.

From what you’ve described, your wife is extremely emotional immature and this is playing out in ways harmful to your daughter. Emotional immaturity often looks like:

• Seeing children as extensions of oneself, rather than as separate individuals with their own personalities, needs, and preferences. This can result in favouring the child who is most “like” them or who reflects back their own values and interests.
• Difficulty regulating emotions, leading to defensiveness or inability to take accountability when confronted.
• Conditional love or attention, where affection is tied to appearance, performance, or compliance, rather than offered unconditionally.
• Inability to offer attunement, which is the ability to meet a child where they are emotionally and show genuine curiosity and acceptance of who they are.

Your eldest daughter seems to be internalising this treatment in devastating ways—believing she is “ugly,” and thinking that changing her likes or personality might earn her mother’s love. This isn’t simply a parenting style issue—it’s an emotional injury that can have lifelong effects on self-worth, identity formation, and the way she seeks out love and validation in the future.

It also sounds like your youngest may be learning from this dynamic too—being placed on a pedestal can be just as damaging, as it teaches her that worth is conditional, performative, and based on external factors like looks and attention. Over time, this can foster entitlement, insecurity, and even cruelty toward others who are not similarly affirmed.

What You Can Do:

1. Continue being the safe parent. Your presence, empathy, and validation are a powerful antidote to what your daughter is experiencing. Keep affirming her interests, her mind, her creativity, and her emotional depth. Make it clear that her value has nothing to do with how she compares to her sister.
2. Get professional support. You’re absolutely right that therapy would benefit your eldest—particularly with a child therapist who can help her process the self-image issues and feelings of rejection she’s internalising. Family therapy could also be a long-term goal if your wife becomes open to it.
3. Consider co-parenting counseling. If your wife is open to it, a skilled therapist could help her reflect on these patterns and how they’re impacting both children. This would need to be approached with care, ideally with a professional who can gently but clearly hold up a mirror to the behaviours in question.
4. Establish healthy boundaries. You’re not wrong to consider temporary separation between your daughter and her mother if her mental health is being affected. Courts tend to be cautious with anything that resembles parental alienation, so document everything factually—dates, behaviours, your daughter’s statements—while keeping your tone focused on your daughter’s wellbeing rather than assigning blame. A lawyer familiar with family dynamics and child psychology may be helpful in guiding this.
5. Reframe for your wife (if possible). Sometimes emotionally immature parents will only reflect when they see their own potential loss. If you do eventually respond to her, try saying something like,
6. “I need space right now because I’ve seen the damage that’s being done to [eldest], and I’m focused on protecting her emotional wellbeing. This is not about punishment or revenge—it’s about healing. If you’re open to therapy or support to help you connect with both girls equally, I’ll support that process. But I can’t let this dynamic continue unchecked.”

Finally, trust your instincts. You’ve shown immense strength and clarity by stepping in when you saw harm being done. Your daughter will remember that you fought for her to feel safe, loved, and seen—and that matters more than you know.