I have moved out with eldest daughter due to the way my wife treats her.

[George805]

Hi, I am looking for some advice regarding my wife's treatment of eldest daughter.

Two daughters 8 and 6, eldest is a bit of an old soul, loves fossils, history, animals and cares deeply about the planet, she likes to wear t shirts with fossils and bugs on them with jeans and trainers, not interested in latest fashion or trends.

I love my wife but she can be a bit snobby and judgmental at times, she has to follow the latest trends and is in to everything glamorous, youngest daughter is the same, loves fashion, makeup (big no for me as she's too young) she is naturally very talented, does dance and can sing really well, I love both my children equally but I have to be truthful and say that I see a bit of a mean streak in youngest and I'm worried she is growing in to a bit of a bully.

Now the issue is that my wife massively favours youngest daughter, brings her everywhere, constantly buying her things, always calling her the most beautiful girl in the world (whilst eldest is standing right next to her), phone is full of pictures of just her, never stops speaking about her, always got to be right next to her on the sofa/dinner table etc etc

I've pulled her up on this so many times, told her she never spends time with eldest, never compliments her or shows even the slightest interest in what she's doing.

Had a horrible day at work today so stopped off in town on my way home to buy some snacks and treat the girls to a jellycat each, I bought eldest a caterpillar and youngest a bunny, when I arrived home and gave them to the girls my wife was instantly all over the youngest telling her how beautiful her bunny was just like her and didn't say anything about eldest. Eldest left and I went and spoke to her, she asked if I'd change her caterpillar for a bunny, I was shocked as I know for a fact she doesn't like the bunnies, she likes birds and bugs, what she said next floored me and made me feel like I've really failed her, she said mummy would like her the same way she likes her sister if she got a bunny, she got really upset and said she knows she's ugly and that's why eveyone likes youngest better.

I took both girls across the road to the neighbours and went back home and had the biggest argument with my wife we've ever had in 10 years of marriage, I'm not proud of it but I really lost my cool and accused my wife of neglecting eldest daughter and told her she's causing her to have body issues etc by the way she treats her, in the heat of the moment I packed a bag for myself and eldest and moved out.

But I've now had time to cool down and I realise I don't want to go back, I don't want my eldest to have to live everyday being compared to her sister and not feeling loved, living in her sisters shadow constantly having to hear how beautiful and amazing she is.

My wife has phoned over 20 times and left numerous texts and voicemails, I can't bring mysel to reply yet. I don't think it's good for eldest to be around her mother from now on until she can learn to treat them the same, I want eldest to live with me and youngest to spend half the time with me.

I know it's likely an unusual situation but would I stand a chance with this in court? I'm really worried about the way eldest is talking about herself and I think I'm going to need to get her some professional help, I obviously don't want her to never see her mum again, I just want her to have a brake from having to deal with her behaviour and for wife to slowly one on one build a relationship up with her without comparing her to youngest.

As a parent I can’t imagine favouring one child over another, yes you usually have more of a connection with one in terms of similar hobbies etc but to openly exclude or obviously ignore your kid is something else. My son is 17, other than similar tastes in music and abandoned places we’ve nothing in common, he’s still my baby though I couldn’t imagine ignoring him etc. dd is very girly, which isn’t me, but we enjoy tv series together, go to football matches together, we essentially have more in common (she loves the game just not playing) You’ve got to do what’s right for your kids, my kids will always come first no matter what anyone says.

You've done an amazing thing for your daughter.

I don’t have any legal expertise so I would have appreciated if you could have explained why your views should be more respected than the pp.

This account sounds incredibly distressing and not surprising that it has become emotive for some of those reading about it. I do hope you are finding a way to listen to your daughter as she needs important reassurance about the adult decision making to prevent her forming more unhelpful stories about herself. It sounds as though the events of today had a profound effect on you as a father that illuminated a dynamic you had perhaps avoided seeing in the way you understood it today. Your response makes sense in the context of your daughter voicing her internal meaning making of what has been going on in her young life. The difficulty here is that you are a family who have lived together until now, such a radical change to arrangements without preparation can of itself bring harm if not carefully handled. There are no easy resolutions as what you describe sounds very established it is pattern, hopefully your wife will be open to at least hearing your concerns and receptive to help. Approaching services as a family would be a good starting place so that support can be provided to everyone involved.

Voluntary support is usually preferable to Court intervention although if there is no agreement that may be an unavoidable recourse. Unfortunately Court decision making rarely goes how people expect but when you hand over decision making to the Court you will have to abide by it. That is why trying to work through things with support first outside of the Court system is recommended, This is all still very raw so emotions may be too heightened for the type of talking that is needed. If you can agree to time apart so everyone can have space perhaps that will help you move towards next steps.

Yes we love ispot. Sorry to hear about your niece, I wish all parents would just let their kids develop their own interests and support them, it's not like I truly enjoy rolling around in the dirt looking for bugs but my daughter enjoys it so I play along.

I'm so sorry OP your situation is awful but you've had some really good advice here. Not relevant to your actual problem but I am also a parent of bug mad kids and we regularly put a moth trap out in the garden. It's such a soothing, beautiful experience like Christmas morning opening a present I'm sure your eldest would love it, and your youngest too, did you know there are pink moths!

www.watdon.co.uk/acatalog/6W-Heath-trap-and-spares.html

OP, please tread very carefully and get formal qualified support. Other posters are right when they say the Courts will take a view, especially if you are intransigent.

People are mainly being realistic about what’s possible for OP. Rightly or wrongly he feels how he feels. But factually he won’t be allowed to just keep one daughter by the courts it doesn’t work like that, this isn’t The Parent Trap

I would be very, very surprised..

Ignore commenters like that, there are a lot of people on here who have very little to do with their time and are only out to wind people up

I am in the opinion as well that both children should have been taken by the OP. Being the golden child is also equally damaging, and what the wife seems to be doing is toxic as well for the 6yo. And now 6yo will think that she wasn't good enough for dad and it will be a very high place to fall from if she disappoints mum. I really feel sorry for the 6yo.

I’m not sure I have said my views should be more respected. I have disagreed with anon3455; they brought qualifications into the discussion, I have just said that, yes, I am qualified.

However, as other posters have pointed out anon3455’s terminology and views don’t sit with current English Family Law.

I'd rather leave this off topic discussion here though as it is detracting from the OP's issue.

Except he has TWO daughters

I think you did the right thing tonight. The question is what is the next right thing to do. IMO it is booking family therapy, parents first, and insisting on going. I presume it’s school holidays where you are. Can 6yo come stay with grandparents too while you too have the conversation about attending therapy?

YABU to just take your oldest child. You need to treat them both the same too and take them both. Favouring your oldest, even if just in response to your DW treatment of the younger, is also bad.

It’s tricky. I do feel for the OP. It’s going to be hard to get this right. I understand the emotions he feels on behalf of his daughter.
But I get the feeling that the OP is becoming more intransigent because of the ( well meaning) support on here.
The OP needs to at least explore family counselling first ( and I don’t think he has shown willingness on that front)

Agreed

And only one of them was sobbing about feeling fat and not being loved by mum.

I can see how, in the heat of the moment, the reaction was to remove 8yo to a safer, loving space. The OP says himself that when he cooled down, it dawned on him that he needs to take permanent action.

You have no idea whether the other one was sobbing because we’re only hearing one side of the story.

I’ve been involved with in family law cases where the legal advice was in accord with what @anon3455 said.
( I was involved as a friend- I’m not a legal expert)

It’s a start to remove one, that had to be done for her well being
Im sure he will be reviewing the whole situation and his other daughter over the coming days, give the man a break!
What he did tonight was the behaviour of an extremely caring father and I’m sure he is going to be looking out for his other daughter as-well
It sounds like a ‘work in progress’ situation and the job is not yet completed

I've already said several times now that yes counselling is being looked in to, no I am not taking youngest to live at my parents at this time because my eldest needs a brake from her bullying, I will of course still be seeing youngest, it's difficult to discipline youngest as wife just let's her do as she pleases and undermines me whilst I discipline her, so I have a lot of work ahead of me

I'd be willing to bet the six year old isn't feeling too great right now also

Presumably you are satisfied that this chain of events has taken place south of the border? Regardless of that, it seems to be a very bizarre and confrontational approach to be immediately suspicious of someone’s professional credentials..

Legal terminology aside, I’m pretty sure the view of the courts across the country would be consistent in relation to the father of a child ‘blocking the access’ of a mother who holds parental rights and responsibilities in this way. OP- whilst there is no doubt in my mind that your intentions are in the right place, you must be careful here and seek urgent legal advice.