I have moved out with eldest daughter due to the way my wife treats her.

[George805]

Hi, I am looking for some advice regarding my wife's treatment of eldest daughter.

Two daughters 8 and 6, eldest is a bit of an old soul, loves fossils, history, animals and cares deeply about the planet, she likes to wear t shirts with fossils and bugs on them with jeans and trainers, not interested in latest fashion or trends.

I love my wife but she can be a bit snobby and judgmental at times, she has to follow the latest trends and is in to everything glamorous, youngest daughter is the same, loves fashion, makeup (big no for me as she's too young) she is naturally very talented, does dance and can sing really well, I love both my children equally but I have to be truthful and say that I see a bit of a mean streak in youngest and I'm worried she is growing in to a bit of a bully.

Now the issue is that my wife massively favours youngest daughter, brings her everywhere, constantly buying her things, always calling her the most beautiful girl in the world (whilst eldest is standing right next to her), phone is full of pictures of just her, never stops speaking about her, always got to be right next to her on the sofa/dinner table etc etc

I've pulled her up on this so many times, told her she never spends time with eldest, never compliments her or shows even the slightest interest in what she's doing.

Had a horrible day at work today so stopped off in town on my way home to buy some snacks and treat the girls to a jellycat each, I bought eldest a caterpillar and youngest a bunny, when I arrived home and gave them to the girls my wife was instantly all over the youngest telling her how beautiful her bunny was just like her and didn't say anything about eldest. Eldest left and I went and spoke to her, she asked if I'd change her caterpillar for a bunny, I was shocked as I know for a fact she doesn't like the bunnies, she likes birds and bugs, what she said next floored me and made me feel like I've really failed her, she said mummy would like her the same way she likes her sister if she got a bunny, she got really upset and said she knows she's ugly and that's why eveyone likes youngest better.

I took both girls across the road to the neighbours and went back home and had the biggest argument with my wife we've ever had in 10 years of marriage, I'm not proud of it but I really lost my cool and accused my wife of neglecting eldest daughter and told her she's causing her to have body issues etc by the way she treats her, in the heat of the moment I packed a bag for myself and eldest and moved out.

But I've now had time to cool down and I realise I don't want to go back, I don't want my eldest to have to live everyday being compared to her sister and not feeling loved, living in her sisters shadow constantly having to hear how beautiful and amazing she is.

My wife has phoned over 20 times and left numerous texts and voicemails, I can't bring mysel to reply yet. I don't think it's good for eldest to be around her mother from now on until she can learn to treat them the same, I want eldest to live with me and youngest to spend half the time with me.

I know it's likely an unusual situation but would I stand a chance with this in court? I'm really worried about the way eldest is talking about herself and I think I'm going to need to get her some professional help, I obviously don't want her to never see her mum again, I just want her to have a brake from having to deal with her behaviour and for wife to slowly one on one build a relationship up with her without comparing her to youngest.

It's not always easy to leave a marriage, we've been together since school, when eldest was born my wife liked eveything girly for her, dresses, bows, sparkly shoes, as eldest got older she started having her own style and interests, fossils, bugs, birds, dinosaurs etc when she got her first big girl room I decorated it to her style with fossil wallpaper and bug bedding (wife couldn't even bare to be in the room) then youngest came along and wife did the same thing, dresses, sparkles, glitter etc youngest loves it, has a princess bedroom, everything pink and girly it was like eldest got replaced, I've spoken to wife about it loads and she just kept saying she loves them both but has more in common with youngest, I've told her multiple times I don't want youngest wearing makeup as she's just a little girl but she never licensed, I obviously regret not leaving sooner but I can't change that.

I disagree - a mother taking one child and leaving the other would be highly unusual and very much judged.

😆 That’s not a persuasive response. But never mind 🤷‍♀️

I absolutely am blocking my wife from seeing my eldest daughter who has spent the night crying as she believes she's faf and ugly due to her mother not showing her any love

The courts treat children as one entity / one group

also you can’t unilaterally make the decision to block one child’s access to their parent, vice versa. The court could technically decide to (but wouldn’t block child access without strong evidence of physical abuses) but you can’t decide that

Yes or no is a complete sentence, she doesn’t need to persuade

@George805 What do you think your DDs will want? Your eldest is angry and distressed right now, but she will still want her mum.

You are a great Dad, and are prioritising both of your DDs emotional welfare
The “ Golden child” effect can have deep lifelong effects on both of their lives
i would investigate Family therapy and also play therapy for your DDs locally.

Try not to let them get to you, OP. I'm not sure if you're a first time poster but Mumsnet can be pretty hostile to men and the AIBU subforum is notorious for its toxicity, and people looking to find any reason, no matter how tenuous, to attack the OP.

You've had some good advice amongst it, but I honestly think AIBU is a bad place for you to get advice during an emotionally turbulent time. I'd suggest you look for advice elsewhere.

That fish won't fly in court though.

You’ve decided this is beyond repair? And your wife? Does she not get a chance to repair things? And your two daughters who are sisters - your youngest is very young. Supposing she gets a sudden taste for bugs and fossils, what then?

Unfortunately your wife is a bully and your daughter already at a young age is suffering the consequences. Hats off to you for doing a really brave thing and taking action before your eldest has every scrap of self worth crushed. Your suggestion of a split, eldest with you and youngest with you part time sounds like the perfect plan. Good luck, it won’t be easy but stand your ground, you know best.

You don’t think 6 years of treating 2 kids differently is long enough for a mum to get it right? Come on, she’s not going to change. She’s abusive and manipulative and the OP’s seen enough.

I’m conflicted here because I totally recognise what it is to be the less favoured child but I also feel that there needs to be family counselling. I don’t think the best result is for your family to split into two acrimonious families. Much better if counselling could allow you all to appreciate and enjoy each other’s differences .

if your poor daughter feels ugly and unloved by her mother then you absolutely have a responsibility to ensure that she knows she is gorgeous and loved - and to let her mother know that her eldest daughter deserves to be treated as gorgeous and loved .

I was that dinosaur girl. My niece is one, but is constantly pushed by her mother and grandmother to be a Barbie girl :(

Keep focusing on her interests. Have you used iSpot or iNaturalist? It's really good for identifying things, including fossils. She'll see adult women users verifying her finds. It was so important to me as a child to see that not all women were like my mother.

What about the practicalities? Someone asked if the girls attend the same primary, what will happen after Easter? You say you’re blocking your wife from your eldest, what voice has your eldest given to this? What about your other daughter, have you spoken to her this evening? Reassured both of them as sisters they won’t be separated and are both loved even if they’re different personalities? It’s very worrying that you recognise the eldest’s ill treatment but cannot see that being treated as The Golden Child is extremely negative for your youngest. You’ve already almost completely dismissed the idea of showing her emotionally healthy parenting full time simply because she likes make up so won’t be compliant in blocking her mother off in a blink of an eye? Again, that is what you want to do and not planned on anything bar your current emotional response.

I’m supportive of the OP but you’re right. It won’t do him any favours to refuse to let his wife know where her daughter is .

Are you ignoring my multiple replies saying that when wife can learn to treat borth daughters the same then she can see eldest. I phoned her and she didn't even ask after her so that tells me everything I need to know

What a shitty response.

This is the first time you have made a major stand over this issue. You probably feel guilty that you have let things go this far .
Would you consider counselling?

I think the number of posters agreeing with me that anon3455’s ‘advice’ and terminology is flawed helps support my view but I don’t intend getting into a ‘my qualifications are better than yours’ debate where neither side can prove anything or persuade anyone.

This seems like a very sudden and super drastic move TBH and although I appreciate we don’t know all the ins and outs it seems honestly a bit disproportionate to what has actually happened here in the short term to me.

It’s clearly not ok if your eldest is feeling this way (though it’s worth considering that kids sometimes misunderstand things or read too much into something, they are sometimes also good at playing one parent off against the other etc). However if the situation is as you say then it does sound like things need to change going forward in terms of how your wife speaks to her and about her and how they spend time together etc. Your daughter might need specific support to build up her confidence too. But I would have thought this might be a situation for shaking up things going forward perhaps with support from family therapy etc though rather than a sudden physical family split like this. A family split definitely has the potential to do further harm to the eldest especially if she feels she is responsible for it. To the youngest too TBH. Is there no way this could be worked through as a family?

I guess to an extent it depends on how your wife has reacted to this and it’s not necessarily the wrong decision in the long term particularly if she adamantly refuses to see the issue or make changes, but it does seem awfully quick to be making long term decisions about splitting up the family and custody issues etc. before you’ve both even had a chance to sleep on the argument.

My sister was the golden child and I was/ am the “ugly” one. I didn’t have anyone to advocate for me because I grew up ina single parent family. My mother’s favouritism towards my sister caused lifelong self esteem problems. I behaved as though I was my sister’s servant, helped her out financially when I could barely afford to etc and only now very late in life am I starting to understand why. My sister can’t cope with growing older or with the fact that I have done so well in life despite being “ugly”. For my whole life I believed that I was unloveable and couldn’t form relationships. Whenever someone told me they loved me I didn’t believe them. I just couldn’t cope with affection because I was used to being rejected or mocked.

So what you are dealing with is very serious, op. Well done for attempting to do something about it.

@George805 - good on you for standing by your eldest daughter! Good luck with your next steps. You shouldn’t stand in the way of your wife putting this right if she can though. Perhaps this will be the wake-up
call she needs.

Did you speak to your youngest at all after driving off into the blue with her sister when 5 minutes earlier all they knew was dad got them a present and suddenly there was a huge, family breaking row. What effect do you think the actions you took tonight will have on your six year old who’s lost her sister and dad in a blink of an eye?