Family moving near

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If IL’s choose to move near, they need to be open to a conversation on what family involvement with me, DH and DS they want after moving. ILs say nothing will change. How can they say that without knowing we’re all on the same page. Am I unreasonable to want to have a conversation about it?

So they have said they don’t anticipate any changes - what else is there to discuss then?

How near? What amount of contact do you currently have? What are you worried about specifically?

@MatildaTheCat usually would be a few times a year but they’ve expressed that they would like to see more of us. I really want to facilitate a good relationship between my children and IL’s but honestly there’s been total disregard on how I feel about this. It’s all been about what benefits them and what they think benefits me without asking me! They want to come to our side of town, same local shops etc. worried that the lack of regard for my needs will continue and that I’ll start to feel resentful.

@andtheworldrollson to be honest, it’s effectively shut the conversation down which I don’t interpret as particularly healthy family communication. Especially where I’m expressing a need to clarify that we’re all on the same page.

Does this mean you already live in the same town as them? If so, why do you think things would change? Surely it’s always been easy for them to see you if they wanted.
If you live miles away I can understand how it would feel a bit suffocating for them to suddenly want to live on your doorstep.
Either way though you can’t dictate how they go about living their day to day lives unless it regards them visiting your home.

What do they think will benefit you?

Are they expecting you to take on the bulk of hosting, facilitating etc?

I would be making it clear to DH that you won’t be on hand to help PIL get settled and he needs to continue to manage the relationship with his parents.

If you’ve been doing any wifework, put a stop to that now.

I think this is difficult as your desire for a sit down conversation comes across as quite formal and combative but their lack of engagement doesn't really help either. I would be more specific with your DH about what is bothering you. Is it seeing them every weekend, being expected to host...? Then see what his thoughts are and get him to talk to them. You can't stop them moving but you can be clear. Please call before coming round, no I'm not free today etc.

@Fgdvevfvdvfbdv currently they live 5 hours away, so it’s a big change. Totally agree on the point that I can’t dictate how others live!

@Kitkatfiend31 I think you’re right. Some clarity is needed and maybe the need for a conversation isn’t coming across in the right way. Honestly, I don’t want to host or feel an unsaid pressure to visit regularly as they’re nearby and have no other connections in the area. I think me expressing what I want is likely to lead to upset as it isn’t what they want.

Actually I would hate this, I really thought you meant they were just moving to your side of the same town. Did they give you much warning they would do this? Is your partner their only child? Did you move away originally or did they?

I would worry they are planning on using you for care, but also if you have built a seperate life for yourself I can see how it would be annoying to have them suddenly barging their way into it.

With them moving that distance I think it’s fair that you should be able to have a conversation with them about boundaries etc.

I would love my in-laws nearby, they are a flight away. However I wouldn’t be allowing open access to my home, I would happily suggest things like nice lunch out, shopping trips, not every weekend maybe twice weekly etc I would take them up on offer of babysitting. OP would you not like this?

Boundaries are required. But maybe make it clear that your lifestyle won't be changing to accommodate them? Deal with it as it arises might be best. However IF they are moving to have more daily contact, then a wee message. "Dear in-laws, I'm really glad that you don't anticipate anything changing. As you may know, we have a really busy life, so best you message us if you want a visit. "
My mum put up with a daily visit twice a day from her in-laws and it nearly broke her

@nomas MIL says that they could help from time to time with looking after DC but not regular childcare as they want time to travel and relax. Issue is FIL not so keen. This causes tension that MIL draws me into and I don’t have the capacity to deal with. I think you’re right, leaving this to DH to manage with his parents is best. I need to step back.

@Fgdvevfvdvfbdv not much notice, just phrased it to us by saying that this is the decision they’ve made. DH has 3 other siblings who live hours away. They seem content with the decision and not raised any issues. We moved originally. Helpful to hear that you agree a conversation is needed!

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand sorry to hear your mum dealt with that. Did that ultimately affect how you view your ILs? I feel like whatever I say here is going to land me in a tricky spot and I’ll be seen as combative/unhelpful!

Clearly you and they want different things which I get! What does your DH want though? He needs to be thinking about this. You need to make it clear to him that he will be the one popping round to them if needed or he will be the one cooking dinner for them etc. Would he manage things with your parents or expect you to do it. I would be very clear that you will be getting some time to yourself whilst he visits etc.

It wasn't an issue for me when I was married because my in-laws lived half an hour away while my parents lived close by. We were closer anyway to my parents. I hosted both sets at Christmas and we visited the in-laws once a month or so. They were a reserved couple and never offered childcare. But that was ok.
Where possible let your dh deal with it as long as you agree. Set the boundaries together and have the hard conversation about future care needs etc. If they query why you aren't getting back to them, then a breezy "oh dh deals with family arrangements. Better check with him" might get them off your back.

Any idea why they want to move near you and DH rather than one of their other children? Is it because they’re emotionally closer to DH than the others or that they prefer your area? Or are you a SAHM so they think you have more time?

@Kitkatfiend31 DH wanted to have his parents near as 5 hrs was too far. I can completely understand that. I don’t think he particularly wanted them this close as he realised that I felt uncomfortable about it. Ideally he wanted them in the middle of all DH’s siblings. Difficult though because as others have pointed out on this thread (quite rightly), you can’t be telling others where or where not to live!! We gently suggested a location closer to all family but the next day we got a message to say they still want to look near us and that they’ve now found their dream home. Hard to really say anything to that. You’re right about me talking to DH about whether he would still be involved with helping my parents in future or not.

Like KitKat pointed out, follow your husband's lead on how much organising and interacting he does for your relatives.
So if your husband texts, has discussions, arrangements with your parents and will do future elder care for them and meals, transport etc, then yes, by all means, you can choose whether you want to do the same for his.
If not, his relatives are not your concern. Free yourself from worrying about them.

I would have a very frank chat with dh and lay out your concerns and fears of expectations that may be put on you as a dil and also as his dw. Make it very clear you don't want to be in a caring role for them, nor their entertainment committee, and it will be entirely up to him to maintain his relationship with them. There was another post not too long ago about a lady who didn't want to have to include her MIL in every family occasion and this is worth thinking about too. They may well be setting themselves up for a much more involved life with you and expecting you'll help them when the harder years arrive. Think very carefully about how you want the next few years to look for you as a family and how you can expect dh to put in boundaries early on to avoid resentment building.

@nomas they said that other children had built their own lives and were involved with the support network of their partners families. I don’t have any family and I think that they saw themselves settling into that better and they said that they thought I may want them close by because of that. I appreciate the kind intentions there but why not ask or discuss, especially where I raised that a conversation could be helpful. The area was a factor but all their children live in nice places.

I can’t imagine how some families don’t want to live near to each other so guess there is a back story and the unwillingness of open communication indicates a poor relationship previously.

I feel you are making this all about you though whereas surely as his parents it is more about your DH. We always maintained it was best for parents to live near to one or other of their children. If DHs siblings don’t all live near to each other it makes sense for them to choose one and if they have chosen him then he will need to manage that.

If they plan to travel then it sounds like they are currently active so presumably won’t be looking to you for entertainment.

We are in our 60s and both our adult children live close by (their choice) but we all have our own lives. Seeing each other is easier though as we don’t need to travel. Travelling 5 hours to see my mum is a pain so I kind of get where your PIL are coming from.

Encourage them to build up a network through U3A, social clubs etc so it is not all on you but surely it will be easier to facilitate a good relationship with them and GC as you can see them for a few hours weekly or every two weeks or so rather than a long visit if they were previously living far away?

@Cornishclio 'I can’t imagine how some families don’t want to live near to each other'

Countless reasons. Jobs, better lifestyle somewhere else, healthcare needs, schools, housing costs, preference for area, relatives not being nice people or enjoyable company 🤷‍♀️

@Cornishclio issue is that both me and DH felt more comfortable with longer visits less frequently and is what all DH’s siblings do and prefer.

I disagree on your point that if a parent makes a decision to move near one adult child over another then the adult child just has to manage that. If a decision that a parent is making has a potential to affect their child’s life and family life then I believe it is respectful for a parent to listen and respect how that child feels and what their partner feels as well.

It may sounds like I’m making this about me, but to be honest I feel like that is out of frustration for having not been listened to in a situation that I feel has the potential to affect my family life! I of course want to balance what I need and want against what DH prefers too.

I think it’s a really different situation where adult children make the decision to move back to their home town as opposed to parents deciding to move near adult children. The latter presents a lot more complications I believe and does require some open conversations to make sure everyone is on the same page.

You’re right about the communication issues. It’s something that DH and his siblings have previously had frustrations about.