Family moving near

[Spapple182]

If IL’s choose to move near, they need to be open to a conversation on what family involvement with me, DH and DS they want after moving. ILs say nothing will change. How can they say that without knowing we’re all on the same page. Am I unreasonable to want to have a conversation about it?

I might be being cynical but it sounds like they think their other children are busy and you, as someone without a family, will step in to the shoes of being a Surrogate daughter who will gradually take on their care.

@nomas you know, I’ve at times thought this but then stopped myself for being so cynical. But I’m interested now to hear that you perceive it in the same way too. It’s difficult because none of this has been outwardly said and yet I’ve really felt it.

@Spapple182 I think the fact that ‘they said that other children had built their own lives and were involved with the support network of their partners families’ is a big hint that your feelings are likely correct. I would be getting DH to make things clear to them now. He should tell them that it would be better if they live between all their children so that he and his siblings can manage their future care between them all. He should also say that it would be unfair to place all the responsibility on one child. And finally he should make clear that his wife will not be expected to provide care so everyone needs to understand that and not rely on that.

Well practically as you have already said you have no control on where they live. You can have a conversation regarding boundaries and if they do not wish to engage with that then going forward managing that will be an ongoing process. As it is your DHs parents and not yours then I would leave that to him.

My MIL decided to choose to live near us after previously living 5 hours away and I alongside my DH facilitated that by trying to find her somewhere to live (housing association swap) and going forward we helped her and she sometimes babysat. There were a few issues like her turning up on the doorstep without warning for a visit which I quickly put a stop to by asking her to let us know beforehand in case we were busy or out. I also made it more than clear I did not want to be her carer and she could not live with us but I was more than happy to offer her the odd lift or make phone calls for her when her hearing failed or she could not grasp what the callers were saying. When she got dementia there were problems in that the care she needed was more than we could offer so we put things in place like carers etc and eventually she had to move into residential care. It took its toll though so I kind of get that this could be an issue if you do not have a good relationship.

It seems like your PIL have not wanted to have that discussion and the only way you can deal with this if they will not engage is to keep reiterating boundaries and when they move make it clear you will not be available at the drop of a hat. I honestly think it should be your DH who does that rather than you as they are his parents. How close do your parents live?

It can actually be easier with close relatives than distant ones, because visits are less of an event and get togethers can be less pressured and formal with responsibilities for hosting etc.

@Spapple182 I have just read your post about having no family so I would also surmise that they have chosen your DH for that reason as you have no other family nearby and they may slot more easily into your life rather than his siblings without competing with their partners family.

I personally would have chosen to have a conversation before moving on the expectation my adult child may have concerns/opinions about being on top of each other but maybe your DHs parents don't communicate well and have just assumed you will be happy with it.

Definitely YANBU. There's no way that contact wouldn't change being so close. I'd also be suspicious about providing elderly care. If they're not open to a discussion, I think you need to be clear with your DH what you are and are not willing to facilitate as a family.

I think you need to work out what level of contact you are happy with, and tell DH. It isn’t about leaving it all up to him. I know some families where that approach would have caused huge problems. If DH wants to pop round more often, that’s up to him, but if you don’t want PIL to think they’ll be having all weekend and every weekend with you, and they’re assuming they’ll have a key to your house, and you don’t want that, then you need to make that very clear to DH.

Sorry to hear you’ve been ill. I’m from a culture where people think you’re at death’s door when you have a cold, so I’m very used to checking up on people regularly when they’re ill. We also often just drop in on people unannounced when they’re ill.

Now I have reduced the visiting. I’m supporting a parent post-surgery so I have neglected visiting a friend of late. However, I know she is surrounded by a large family and is well taken care of.

Is it possible that your friends and family have assumed you’re well supported by your husband?

But I agree that you should do a lot less for everyone. You know them best and you know if they’ve been taking advantage of your kindness but are not being kind now you need support.

I think it's very indicative they are dodging a discussion, that way in the future they can claim they thought you were happy with the set up and they can plead ignorance! How is your husband with it all? Will he stand up to them or assume you will be nurse maid / dogs body / gopher? After they've started randomly turning up on a Sunday afternoon. You don't just have to manage someone landing on your doorstep! It's hardly making it about you, it is your life actually

Your are worrying way too soon.
They want to travel.
They want to get to know their new community. Help them meet people of their own age and groups that focus on their hobbies. You will probably find that after a year they will have their own life but you will be able to see each other with less effort.
Your children will benefit from having their grandparents local enough to support them and encourage their sport etc for short times regularly.
Be strong and ready to say no to any visits that are not suiting you. Your in-laws and you guys need to be honest and frank, but polite and respectful to each other.

I agree with you 100%. I think it's a sensible idea and you do need to discuss it. We moved to be nearer to family, but before we even started looking for houses we discussed it with them to make sure they were ok with it.

We were originally looking to be about 3 miles away but it so happened that the only house that we bought was around the corner. Again, we did discuss that with them and would definitely not have gone ahead if they weren't happy with it.

You really do need to know what their expectations are so you can either agree with them or manage them.

@TwoRobins thanks for your comment. It does help me feel like I’m not being completely unreasonable.

@BernardButlersBra DH has tried to have conversations but it’s challenging as each time they shut it down by saying that there’s nothing to be concerned about without really going into any level of discussion. DH and his siblings tend to leave bringing up subjects where they get a closed response and it really discourages open communication.

So you mean London? (if in UK) Even then i don't think it takes hours to get across the 'town'...

What's the point of them moving if it's not going to change anything?! Ask them that.

Things to talk to your DH about:

How often would he think he'll visit them if they live nearby? How often would he expect them to visit you? What jobs or tasks would he imagine he might help them with? Are there any things they'd want that he would like you to pick up because it would be hard for him? (pay careful attention to all his answers but especially that last one)

I appreciate the kind intentions there but why not ask or discuss, especially where I raised that a conversation could be helpful.

Because it is ultimately nothing to do with you where they choose to live, so if they allow a 'conversation' and discussion about it, it will open up a situation where you think you have some authority to weigh in on their decision.. you don't.

You can obviously have autotomy about how often you see them, what contact arrangements are made etc, what your ground rules are for establishing contact etc if you really must hash all that out before you even get to that point, but you are not entitled to a single input on where they choose to live, so no conversation is needed with you at all about location.

Why does everything have to be micro managed to within an inch of it's life now? Maybe it's just on MN, but people seemed so entitled to dictate to others what they should and shouldn't be able to do, in case it personally affects them in some way, it really does come across as odd and controlling.

@sandyhappypeople the difficulty is that there’s been an incorrect assumption of how I would fit into life in their new location. That therefore does affect me. I would have no reason to care where others live or what life choices they make. But if those decisions affect me then a conversation is needed to manage expectations.

This is a GOOD thing. In a few years time when there's an emergency,and there will be as there always is, you won't be travelling 5 hours away to help them.

This is how it starts. Telling women it’s a good thing for them their in laws are nearby and pretty soon women end up running around after elderly in laws.

I'm actually speaking from experience. It wasn't an in-laws one, but was family members, and it went very wrong. Relations between us were destroyed because of it. I do think it could have been avoided if we'd communicated better.

Agreed. As someone without their own family to balance things out (same for me) OP could very easily be consumed by her DP’s family.

For some this might sound nice but in reality it’s overwhelming to be the odd one out when all their family dynamics come into play.

It’s easier to manage when visits are spread out. Day to day / every week is a whole different kettle of fish. It’s easy to become a scapegoat or the difficult one because you don’t want to do things their way and your DP reverts back to how he was as a child around his parents.

On top of that they’re literally saying “You don’t have family, we’ll slot into those positions” which I can’t even describe how I would feel about. Not good or comfortable, that’s for sure.

I think you have to take it day by day OP, though I imagine you want it sorted concretely so the anxiety goes away. I can’t see how you can lay down expectations without them being very offended or hurt, because they won’t be able to relate to where you’re coming from.

You need to trust yourself that moment to moment you’ll stand your ground. So if you want a quiet weekend you say that when it needs saying. If you don’t want to get involved in something you speak up straight away. If you can’t be arsed with hosting you tell DP to have fun but you’re off for a swim. Etc.

I would also make a list of positive things about the move. Your DCs will be very happy, there’s a bit of childcare on offer.. it’s not all bad. You’ll have a nicer time with them if you can make peace with it and trust you’ll be able to handle things.

the difficulty is that there’s been an incorrect assumption of how I would fit into life in their new location.

What assumption?

@OriginalUsername2 your comment really encompasses how I feel right now. Very much like I’m being set apart as a scapegoat. IL’s are really hurt and upset but it’s now coming across as a middle finger up at me that they’ll do what they want and it has nothing to do with me. It’s now resulted in me completely pulling out of any of my ILs family get togethers. DH and DC go without me.

Whereas on an objective basis, they can choose to live wherever they want to live, they have obviously chosen to look in your location because your dh lives there. So I do absolutely think it is right to have an open conversation about expectations an how they see things working out, both in the next couple of years but also 10, or 20 years from now (I don't think you've indicated how old they are, or if you have little dc or older dc?).
You (you and dh) still can't make them, or stop them from moving wherever they want to, but at least if they start saying "but we moved all this way to be near you" at any time, you will at least be able to say "but we discussed this and were clear about what we could, or couldn't facilitate".