Family moving near

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If IL’s choose to move near, they need to be open to a conversation on what family involvement with me, DH and DS they want after moving. ILs say nothing will change. How can they say that without knowing we’re all on the same page. Am I unreasonable to want to have a conversation about it?

Have you/DH told them you can’t guarantee you will stay living where you are now?

I think all you can do is develop robust boundaries around contact. No keys. No popping in.

If they do steamroller you, or it’s causing problems with DH, you may have to move further away.

@Watermill we had done that and initially they were glad we had told them but then they decided after that they would view houses near as they like the area. I have to say that my DHs siblings also live in nice places. They didn’t get the hint and so I then thought having a conversation about it would be helpful.

Why are they scapegoating you? Do they think these concerns are being raised only by you and who has made them think that? DH should be protecting you here by stating these as his concerns, and not blaming you.

And so much for your PIL being your support network, if they are already so combative.

As they’re so hurt and upset, it’s possible they decide not to move to you.

Very much like I’m being set apart as a scapegoat. IL’s are really hurt and upset but it’s now coming across as a middle finger up at me that they’ll do what they want and it has nothing to do with me. It’s now resulted in me completely pulling out of any of my ILs family get togethers. DH and DC go without me.

It does have nothing to do with you, they are hurt and upset because you are making a massive issue of the fact that you don't want them to live anywhere near you, even though that is absolutely nothing to do with you, your DH wants it to happen, so why are you digging your heels in so much?

You've been dropping hints, telling them there are other nice places to live and now want to have a 'conversation' where you flat out tell them that they are wasting there time moving near you because you don't want them anywhere near you, how can they not take that personally??

And now because you haven't got your own way, you are chucking your toys out of the pram and refusing to have anything to do with them. Honestly OP, what is your problem? You aren't being set up as a scapegoat here, your behaviour is atrocious.

Your Dh needs to speak to them and be clear that as the6 have said, nothing will change, possibly including how often they see you, particularly as you no longer participate in family get togethers! Are they expecting care from you or your Dh as they age? Is that why they want to be nearer?

@sandyhappypeople I agree that they can live where they want and that it doesn’t have anything to do with me. The issue I’ve got is that I’m concerned that their move may affect me and when we want to make sure we’re on the same page, the conversation is closed off. Genuine question. Do you think I’d get this same feeling (which is making me not want them close) if I had a supportive family around me?

@nomas DH been trying to talk to them but they close conversations off and then DH gets frustrated. He’s also been trying to move the conversation away from me being the issue to the real underlying communication problems which have caused issues before.

I’m concerned that their move may affect me

It's honestly fine for you to have concerns, it's not fine for you use those potential concerns as a reason to stop them off doing what they want to do.

I'm not sure what you would gain from a conversation to be honest, it's not really appropriate for you to tell them not to move, or law down the law as to what your relationship will look like, as they aren't your parents to do that, and from what you've said, your DH wants them to move closer? So I'm not surprised they aren't entertaining a big discussion, you seem to be purely thinking of yourself here, without thinking about what anyone else wants and putting that front and centre of the decision making process.

You can obviously make it clear how much of a relationship you want to/don't want to have once it has all happened, and have boundaries in place, but you seem to be actively trying to get them to change their mind and seem to be taking it extremely personally that they still want to go ahead and that they won't listen to your complaints, to the point that you are refusing to have anything to do with them now, which is incredibly sad for your DH who must be very much stuck in the middle here.

I think the fact you don't have family is actually skewing your viewpoint slightly if you don't mind me saying, if your parents had wanted to move closer to you and your DH dug his heels in and said "no, not happening, think of how this will affect ME, in fact I want nothing to do with them now, as they aren't listening to me, and you can see them alone with the kids from now on", would you have genuinely understood that reaction or would have have thought he was over-reacting somewhat to a situation that may not ever make much difference to your day to day lives without even giving it a chance? I'd be horrified if my DH took this stance.

I do understand though, both my parents have died, I'm a very private person and generally keep people at arms length, so I do get your reluctance, it took a long while for me to have a comfortable relationship with my in laws, but I have never stopped them coming or refused to see them as it was purely my issue and I would consider it very unfair to my DH who loves his parents very much and wants to see them, over time I softened to them, and after we had our daughter I actually fell in love with them as parents because of how much they adore her, their relationship with her is really something else, especially MIL, and knowing I can't ever offer her that sort of relationship from my side of the family means I'm actually really grateful that we are all so close now.

@sandyhappypeople DH didn’t want them this close. He wanted them to be equal distance to all their children, as he felt it’s too much on his shoulders to deal with caring responsibilities as they age when there are siblings who can help more if a location is picked closer to them as well. He finds them very challenging even though he loves them.

Reason for me pulling out of this completely and leaving it to DH to deal with is that I find them really challenging to talk to/deal with. Things either fall one way or another and there’s no in between. If they won’t communicate about what they want or do not want from family nearby then I can’t be part of that. Totally different story if they could talk honestly about their reasons in coming near us, but seems they don’t want to and all I can do is respect that but keep distanced.

My feeling is that I pull back completely. DH and DC will visit when they feel they want to but I can’t be part of this, it’s just not healthy.

My IL’s recently moved from 5 hours away to 20 mins walk from mine and DP’s house- so I get your concerns OP. I like my IL’s very much but if I’m very honest I didn’t want them this close- my DP did speak to them about it but they told him that basically they have to live where they like, which is true.

Now they’re here it’s not so bad- in a lot of ways easier to see them, previously we’d have gone to visit for a few days to make the trip worthwhile, now we can just get together for dinner for a couple of hours. And one day they won’t be here, so we’ll be grateful for seeing them more now, I know that.

They did pop round a lot unannounced when they first moved- DP had to tell them in no uncertain terms that wasn’t on and they’d have to check first. Also if they invite us round/ask us if we want to do something, DP will go alone if he wants and there is no obligation for me to if I don’t want.

Set the boundaries early on, would be my advice.

Maybe your DH and kids will like having their family closer?

Might make them want their future partners and kids to tolerate you one day or will you be happy only seeing your adult children and grandchildren a couple times a year?

If they won’t communicate about what they want or do not want from family nearby then I can’t be part of that.

Why do they have to communicate anything to you? They aren't moving in with you, why are you holding them hostage? It's your way or you'll never talk to them again it seems.

Totally different story if they could talk honestly about their reasons in coming near us, but seems they don’t want to and all I can do is respect that but keep distanced.

It doesn't matter what their reasonings are, they don't have to justify themselves to anyone, it's their life and their money, if they are assuming things about what their future looks like then that is 100% on them. Neither yourself or DH have to do anything you don't want to, location makes not one jot of difference to that, if anything is said about a mismatch of expectations then that is the time to bring up that you weren't consulted at the time and if you were you could have discussed things in more detail before they made a decision, you obviously aren't open to discussion, apart from telling them all the reasons you personally don't want it to happen.

My feeling is that I pull back completely. DH and DC will visit when they feel they want to but I can’t be part of this, it’s just not healthy.

You do you, but don't pretend for one minute it has got anything to do with them wanting to be closer to their family, you are angry they have decided to move near you, you are angry that they won't let you give them a lecture on how all of this is going to affect you, and you have unilaterally decided that you don't want anything to do with them now, so you are going to punish them (along with your DH and DC) by refusing to talk to them, or see them or make them welcome in your home.

But at least you can say you 'won' .. I'm pretty sure there is an unhealthy dynamic here but it certainly isn't coming from them.

Could it be that they moving to you as you don't have family nearby and you'll be free to care for them when they are old?

Tell them that potentially you see yourselves moving areas in the next five years. Then she what happens!

@sandyhappypeople I’m inferested in your view that they don’t need to communicate with me and DH about this. Surely if they have expectations from us, then they need to say? I question why they’d move so near otherwise.

With your other points, I’d say there’s a difference between family members wanting to be close to each other to spend time together, and families with dysfunctional dynamics wanting to use other members for their own needs, without discussion.

I don’t feel like I’ve ‘won’ this by pulling back. In fact, it’s a losing situation. I’d have loved a healthy, open and honest relationship with ILs. That would have been better for me, DH and DC.

Surely if they have expectations from us, then they need to say?

Only if they want assurances on expectations. They can make decisions and assume anything they like, but if they don't bother checking with you, you have zero obligation to do anything to meet those expectations.. to the point where it seems petty to hold it against them when they aren't putting any pressure on you at all, in fact they have categorically said that "nothing will change", so why are you not taking them at their word? Why are you being so combative about it?

You should be able to enjoy a carefree relationship with them and then IF the time comes and something like care is on the radar then you can bow out and leave it to the professionals, seeing as they haven't asked anything of you, and you have never agreed anything?

But why you are so laser focused on that is a mystery, they may never even need care, and if they do it's not something you would have to get involved in, why would you? You'd be there to support you DH in whatever decision he wanted to make at the time, but you are under no personal obligation to do anything you don't want to.

Do you think your DH would be unable to say no if the time came and they DID need care, or he would go against your wishes in some way? Do you have more of a DH problem than an in laws one? I honestly can't understand why you are insisting they have some nefarious ulterior motives, rather than consider that they might want to spend the time they have left closer to their son and family while they are still healthy enough to enjoy their life, they already said they would be busy with holidays/going out etc and wouldn't want to be tied down with childcare.

What exactly are the 'dysfunctional dynamics' you keep referring to?

@sandyhappypeople when I say that I mean that MIL speaks about various people in the family behind their backs when they don’t back her beliefs or if what they want doesn’t suit her. She also frames situations in a particular way around family members so that she gets the outcome that she desires. Maybe that explains to you why I feel this way.

I'm inclined to agree with @sandyhappypeople

I did say, earlier in the thread that in an ideal world your parents and your dh should be able to discuss expectations.
However, your later posts seem to be all about how you aren't prepared to meet with them or spend any time with them. That doesn't show you in a particularly good light.
Re your last post - well tell her when she is saying something you don't like, there and then.

@CarpetKnees I think the pulling back on my part has been a bit of a protective measure to myself. The other DIL’s have not been put in the same position as me. No one seems to question this and I do genuinely wonder whether me having no family and them with larger families has influenced things.
i think you’re right about bringing up the behaviors I don’t like. I think that’s a lack of confidence on my part.

Sounds pretty normal to be honest! 😂

In fairness not all families get on all the time, and you don't have to love her or want to spend time together with her, but IMO you shouldn't be doing anything that puts a barrier in the way of your DH, your children and his parents having a relationship if they want one. Refusing at this stage to talk to them, see them or have them at your house is doing exactly that, causing a rift, with no real reason for doing so, apart from your (potentially very wrong) assumptions that they have an ulterior motive.

it sounds like you lack confidence to address any issues as they come up at the time and then feel resentful that your voice isn't heard, with kindness, that is something you need to work on, it is your issue and going NC really is not a viable alternative when the rest of your family want that relationship. It is really unfair on your DH and DC to be stuck in the middle of all that.

Personally, I think you need to change your mindset and stop looking at is as if you are being victimised, you don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with, you don't have to invite them round, you don't have to cater for them, you certainly don't have to look after them.. They haven't said they are expecting anything from you, and you haven't agreed to anything either so there is no expectation anywhere, you could have a perfectly cordial arms lengths relationship with them like most people do who live near their in laws.

In any case, these are your DHs parents, you really need to stop putting your preferences front and centre above all else and give him the opportunity to lead the way a bit more, you are way more invested in all of this then you need to be.

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I think this is an idealistic view that women can choose not to participate and opt out but often the pressure put on a woman to help with elder care and to host every Easter, Christmas, birthday or to host a Sunday dinner every week is subtle and insidious, especially if a woman is a SAHM, works part time, or earns less than her husband.

The fact is these people are choosing to move 5 hours to OP’s town, and have commented on their other DC being busy and OP’s lack of family.

I think anyone in OP’s shoes would reasonably be wondering what is being expected of them here. It’s no wonder OP feels outnumbered and anxious.

@sandyhappypeople i agree with you that I shouldn’t do anything to get between DH, DC and PIL. But me not attending their family events or visiting really has very little to do with that. Being well in myself and free from family stress is better than for DH and DC to see me constantly stressed by ILs who I simply am very different to.

@nomas thank you for your views. They really resonate with me and it does help me to know that I’m being reasonable to have wanted to clarify things from the start.

I wouldn’t have felt the need to have a conversation in advance unless they had care needs. We live about 45 min away from Pil and see them 1/2 a month, it’s never been discussed. If we moved closer I’d assume we would see them similar maybe slightly more. But probably for less time, so instead of seeing them for a whole day/overnight we would see them for a few hours.