Family moving near

[Spapple182]

If IL’s choose to move near, they need to be open to a conversation on what family involvement with me, DH and DS they want after moving. ILs say nothing will change. How can they say that without knowing we’re all on the same page. Am I unreasonable to want to have a conversation about it?

I think this is an idealistic view that women can choose not to participate and opt out but often the pressure put on a woman to help with elder care and to host every Easter, Christmas, birthday or to host a Sunday dinner every week is subtle and insidious, especially if a woman is a SAHM, works part time, or earns less than her husband.

Hard disagree, it's not idealistic to say women can opt out of hosting wider family if they don't want to, I know plenty of women martyr themselves over family events etc, but not because of spousal pressure to 'perform' for the in laws, most of that comes from within themselves, bit of an old fashioned throwback to the times where men worked and women kept the house I suppose, but those times really don't exist anymore, ironically the only two stay at home wives/mothers in my immediate family NEVER host anyone for anything, I mean never, no one questions it or thinks less of them, they don't like doing it so they don't do it.. their husbands are free to host if they feel that is in any way unjust. It isn't about how much you earn or what you do, it should never be assumed that as a woman you are there to serve other people? If you accept and tolerate that within a relationship then more fool you.

But for the ones that are choosing to host wider family all the time for parties, Christmas, Easter and Sunday dinners every week, and choosing to martyr yourself and put pressure on yourself to perform then you will end up wondering if it is all worth it, if you ultimately enjoy doing it or enjoy the end result, absolutely fine. But if not, then why you are actually doing it? Some people will come to the realisation that they don't actually enjoy it that much, and it isn't worth the time they've wasted slogging away for little recognition, and there is an alternative, which is to stop volunteering yourself for all that graft, it's harder once a precedent has been set, but not impossible to remove yourself from a responsibility that should never have been yours to begin with.

OP is in a fortunate position here, there is no precedent, so there is no expectation of anything, if she doesn't want to host in laws every sunday or every religious holiday or at all in fact, she certainly doesn't have to volunteer for it, she is completely free to say no thank you, and set her own input levels and boundaries from the outset.. no 'discussion' required for that, no one can make her do something she doesn't want to do.

I personally think OP going NC with the in laws will make things incredibly awkward for her DH and DC to have a proper relationship with his parents and she shouldn't be putting that burden on him and their children, especially because she is doing it as a way of punishing the in laws for wanting to move closer.. (if you move near me I will never speak to you again etc) It is going to cause resentment between herself and her husband, and for what? She could just as easily choose the level of input she is comfortable with, set strong boundaries if that is what is bothering her, and just get on with her life, while letting in laws get on with theirs, her DH should be free to set his own level of input in relation to his parents without worrying about upsetting OP all the time.

But it never bothered you before? You've been visiting them no problem how many times a year for how many years? The only thing different is they are moving location, they aren't moving in with you and they aren't expecting anything from you, a lot of people live very close to their in laws all their lives and have no problems whatsoever.

Stop making this all about yourself, if your 'constant stress' about having family members deciding to live near you, and your lack of control over their decision, is causing issues for you husband and impacting your children, then you need to get yourself some help for your anxiety, as this level of response is really worrying.

You don't have to decide anything now, or label anything now, you could just see how it goes, address any issues that may arise (or may not), set your boundaries however you see fit, which preferably would not be cutting them off completely, as that just seems unnecessarily petulant, like a child who has not gotten their own way, and take each day and decision at a time, why would you be making such a big deal of this and making life harder for your DH and children for something that is completely out of their control and which has quite an easy alternative available for yourself to manage your own stress, which you are completely neglecting to take on board?

Because you want to make a point seems to be the answer.

@sandyhappypeople it did bother me before but was less an issue because geographical distance made all the difference there.

DH acknowledged that his parents are very challenging so doesn’t blame me. I don’t see the issue. I’m not stopping him or DH from seeing them. I just choose not to join.

I personally believe it is wrong for anyone to do anything they feel uncomfortable with. Clearly I’ve felt really uncomfortable with how PIL have gone about their move. My gut tells me that they do have underlying motives but they know that saying what those are will not work favourably for them (particularly as DH isn’t an only child). Any contact from me to PIL gives the wrong message and risks them thinking that I accept the effect of their decisions in my life (particularly as they don’t like clarifying or discussing that everyone is on the same page, there is a risk for misunderstandings). Also given the fact that they don’t like talking about things that affect others in the family, it is best for me to respectfully stand back. This isn’t about proving a point or winning, as you have said, it is more about going with what you are comfortable with and not forcing interactions which could be toxic and damaging (which I believe would be an even more difficult situation for DH and DC to be exposed to). In such a case it is better to leave DH to manage his relationship with his parents and also DC’s relationship with his parents. I trust him in this and I respectfully stand back.

@Spapple182 Is there a backstory of your in-laws being particularly toxic?
You know your in-laws, the people (including me) responding on here do not.
I think it’s easy to say just give it a chance if your own in-laws are just normal people, but not all in-laws are the same.

If your gut is telling you this is going to cause problems for you, there is going to be a reason for that. Something that is triggering that button, even if it’s just the background with your own family in the past.

Have they purchased the house? Is it a done deal? Is it about setting boundaries now, or are you hoping that by going cold on them now they will change their mind and not move?

I do understand your reticence over this. You have probably moved for a reason, made your own lovely lives and now that’s all about to be disrupted. For me, I think it’s worse that they’ve expressed that they respect their other children’s busy lives, and have chosen to specifically move right next to you instead with no discussion. It’s like they are bulldozing over your family.

@Fgdvevfvdvfbdv there is some background to it and to be honest, even though I know mumsnet is anonymous I do stil feel uncomfortable saying. But yes, there is a history of mistreatment of family members by IL’s and if they’ve done that to others then I’m no different.

It’s pretty much a done deal in that a house has been found. Going cold is less me trying to get them to change their mind. I have no power or right to do that. It’s more about the fact that I don’t really know how to navigate it and retreating feels safer as a way to protect myself. I also don’t really want to say anything with heightened emotions and want to think carefully about how I manage this best for myself, DH and DC for the future.

I'd suggest as others have. Take the pressure of yourself,let your DH take the lead and see how it pans out. If things don't go as you'd like set your boundaries.

Until then don't worry about things that haven't happened.

My ILs moved close from an hour away several years ago. I wasn't keen but we still live our seperate lives. It's turned out quite well as we help each other out when needed without the rigmarole of a long journey

So are they going to be welcome to come round if you husband wishes or is it going to be strictly him having to visit them?

are you going no contact with them completely or are you just not going to visit them?

@sandyhappypeople husband and I have agreed that he goes to visit them when he wants to but unfortunately as a result of this situation, I do not feel comfortable inviting them to our home. DH understands this. There is never going to be a perfect solution to this I feel and so I just want to balance out the best outcome given the bad circumstances. I’m sure there will be times in the future where I cross paths with them but I think it would be that terms are brief but polite.

YANBU to have concerns.

YABU to refuse to meet up with your in laws at all: that’s not justified unless there are other reasons.

If you and DH are and stay on the same page and set and stick to sensible boundaries any problems should be manageable.

They’re entitled to move and live wherever they want even if that were next door to you! If you don’t like it that’s on you. You can move or you can play it by ear and deal with issues as they arise or perhaps put your big grants on and speak to them. Sounds like you just don’t like them.

Err, no. It's a good thing as her husband won't be going on 10 hour round trips and leaving the family while he sorts out his parents.

I agree with this - I can’t imagine being so concerned about this

Which is why DH suggested the parents moving in between all their children. It’s not fair to place all the responsibility on DH (and inevitable, his wife).

OP, stay strong.
Your in laws sound toxic and entitle.
You absolutely need to spell out to your husband in the clearest language that he is absolutely entitled to see his parents with the children, but the house is your home and their disregard of you means they will not be visiting and neither will you be in any way involved with their care.

I have absolutely no doubt that they think your husband will be their carer with you as his useful skivvy.

Best you settle into your position of no involvement whatsoever with them and dig into it.

In fact I would be exploring moving and tell your husband that it may be something of interest to you.

I have zero tolerance of the way some people think that a DIL will automatically take it on.

At 60 I have numerous friends who found themselves in this position and pushed back very hard.
Without exception they had run around after their own parents and it was assumed by both inlaws AND their husbands that they would pitch in with in laws care.

My friends made it crystal clear that after caring for their own parents without help, they had zero interest in being involved.
It was shocking for all to hear, but they never moved an inch on it.

So be very very clear to your husband that you do not want to be inany way involved.

THEY clearly think they get to control the conversation which leads me to think they are very entitled people.

No doubt his siblings are relieved at their decision but you need to make it very clear that you will not tolerate interference from his family in your family life.

There will be no Christmas dinners, sunday dinners etc.
I suspect they think once they are in situ they will dictate things.

You are right to be very wary of them.

Didn't you post this a few days ago?

The reality is
1you can't decide where they live or insist on a "discussion" about it
2 you absolutely can decide how much contact you have, whether they live 5 minutes or 5 hours. "Sorry, no, we can't se eyou this weekend" works as well in either case.
3 Clearly you have issues with them. So leave them to your DH.
4 Assuming your issues are valid, you have eevry right to be a bit annoyed if you feel they're trying to encroach. But all you can do is hold YOUR boundary.

@Humpsr it’s really interesting to hear your comments on this, particularly as someone with friends who have gone though similar situations. I’ll stand my ground. I’m really lucky to have a supportive and understanding DH who does also get the challenges that I’ve felt. The biggest challenge for me is that they don’t like having upfront conversations (whether they find that too combative I don’t know). But I’ve always felt that with these sorts of issues, a difficult conversation is needed. By saying that the move doesn’t change anything it has effectively muted that conversation and therefore muted my voice. I find it impossible to navigate a relationship with such people and it’s easier to leave DH to manage his own parents.

There are millions of people who would not be jumping for joy at this prospect, especially if they've hitherto been five hours away. They've obviously got an agenda, otherwise why move? And why move to your town when there are 3 other siblings? Perhaps they think you'll look after them when the time comes. You don't have family of your own, so maybe they think you're the solution. Also, is it possible that your DH has had more of a hand in this than you realise?

They’ve already tried to speak to the parents about it

You cannot control them.
You can only control yourself, your time, your home, and what you do as a family.

It is very helpful that you are convinced your husband understands.

BUT, you need to be having yoir conversations with your husband, not them.

Is he going to be visiting weekly, multiple times?
Who will pick up the slack with the children and their activities etc.

So the most important thing that you need to establish is how you want things in your home and in your family.

For a couple of my friends their husbands played golf while their juggled their parents and their children.
So when the time came for their husbands to start helping their parents with jobs, shopping etc., they were told that no they could not leave the driving to their wives and preserve their golf Day.
It was made very clear that golf was taking the hit, not their sharing the childcare load of driving and activities.
My friends were all menopausal when these issues landed so diplomacy in their marriages took a real hit.
They mostly liked their inlaws too, but between work, their kids, having done it themselves, they simply weren't prepared to be in any way involved with additional responsibilities.
It continues for a couple of them to this day.

You have no idea what is ahead of you so just be clear in your own mind what you are prepared to tolerate and be very firm on your boundaries in your home.

It is your husbands job and responsibility as to how he conveys that and manages it with his parents.

You focus on doing you.

Same advice as before, deal with stuff if and when it comes up and trust yourself that you’ll be able to. You need to make your own life richer so you don’t worry so much about who’s living where.

I’d see it as a positive - less expectation / reliance on your husband.

Ultimately, you can't control where they live. You can however, control how much you want to see them etc.

As I said before, in a way I find having family in the same town less of an ask as I can just see them for eg dinner for a couple of hours rather than doing a big visit for a few days.

It doesn't have to be a big deal if you don't make it one.

Thank you everyone for your responses. Really helpful!