How to respond politely when people comment on my weight loss

[domebody]

I know people mean no harm when they comment on someone’s weight loss, but it’s not something I like to talk about to people about. It’s very personal and I would rather just not discuss it.

how can I respond that’s not rude/ dismissive or offended - because I’m not offended and I don’t want people to feel bad mentioning it- yet I want to shut the conversation down.

so far I’ve said stuff like ‘ yeah haha thanks, forget about it haha ‘.. or ‘ ah let’s not go there hahaha ‘..

I don’t want people to feel bad but I think maybe it’s coming across a bit awkward and mean. I know it’s a ‘ me ‘ thing, but I really don’t want to talk about it.

any tips on how to smoothly move the conversation on without making the person feel bad / look like an idiot to them for not wanting to chat about it ?

Often people DO know me. I don’t necessarily go around telling people, whether strangers or familiars, that I have alopecia. So I’ve had compliments from friends, acquaintances and strangers alike. Also had compliments from people who have known me in varying stages of alopecia and say things like “oh, your hair looks so much better now” (apparently thinking it has somehow miraculously regrown).

Not sure what you mean by I don’t understand the difference between a compliment between a compliment about someone’s handbag, shoes or dress and one about their appearance. I do understand that they are different - I just don’t agree with you that compliments should only ever be confined to those.

If anything, when I was younger I used to wonder why some people only ever said my shoes or bag was nice but didn’t say I looked nice, esp for events where I’d really made an effort or had a significant change to my appearance. I used to think it meant they thought I was a munter and were struggling for a meaningful compliment and so landed on an innanity about my shoes or some such.

Which just goes back to my point that you can’t please everyone because people are different. I am trying to lose weight at the moment and absolutely want to hear compliments about it - other posters have said likewise. It’s fine that some people may not like this but since no one can psychically intuit who doesn’t and doesn’t like compliments about weight loss, hair, etc, I think it’s best just to say thanks and have a strategy for moving conversation on if you don’t like it. That’s what I try to do.

If you say ‘you look so well’ are you implying that they didn’t look well beforehand

Not so easy is it, what ever you do/say could possibly be interpreted badly

Just say thanks if someone mentions it

I'm not sure that we're really disagreeing actually?

The shoes/bag/dress thing I might -sparingly - say to any woman, whether I knew them or not. I would comment more personally to my actual friends who I knew were trying to lose weight, having issues with hair, whatever - because we would be friends and it would be odd not to with that relationship.

So perhaps the nuance isn't really much of a nuance at all - it's "If you know the person involved and know that they will appreciate x,y,z comment"...

We're all coming at this from our own experiences and reasonably, they don't match up. I'm honestly not trying to pick a fight. I imagine that the women who welcome comments on their weightloss tend to let people know and people then oblige. For me, weight is such a minefield and that I would be extremely reluctant to pass comment unless I was absolutely certain because there's no such thing as a throwaway comment about weight, it can really hurt someone. To me, people's bodies = their own business. It doesn't mean that I'm right but I'm very definite about that.

30 years ago I lost over 4 stone and achieved a healthy weight (I've kept it off but gawd it's been hard work). I also hated people commenting on it but my favourite was those who (seeing me for the first time since I lost the 4 and a bit stone) asked "Have you lost weight?" The temptation to say "No... what are you talking about?" was massive.

We're all coming at this from our own experiences and reasonably, they don't match up. I'm honestly not trying to pick a fight. I imagine that the women who welcome comments on their weightloss tend to let people know and people then oblige. For me, weight is such a minefield and that I would be extremely reluctant to pass comment unless I was absolutely certain because there's no such thing as a throwaway comment about weight, it can really hurt someone. To me, people's bodies = their own business. It doesn't mean that I'm right but I'm very definite about that.

I don't signal that I welcome comments on weight loss (or anything for that matter). But I do appreciate them when I get them (which isn't often).

I just don't think that only ever complimenting a person on shoes or bags or such like is quite the neutral, minefield-free zone that you seem to think. Personally, I don't like it for the reasons I explained and it made me feel insecure as a youngster. I would never say anything negative to the person giving the compliment, of course - anymore than I would when someone compliments 'my hair'. But I'd be thinking/feeling it.

Actually, Butchy, having read your earlier post about shoes/bag, I can see how it could backfire, however unintentionally. If I knew you, I would know what was ok with you and I would genuinely compliment you. If I just met you in the ladies or wherever and we smiled, I might say something nice about your bag. That's the context I meant.

Almost every problem ever is other people

I'm finding comments like this very hard at the moment. Twice at work I've had people screaming across crowded rooms about my weight loss. It's an uncomfortable subject for me and always throws me and upsets me. Pretending to be happy/polite about it is difficult when you're shocked someone has brought it up!

Why do people comment? To congratulate, because they know how hard it is. Or through shock - I would only normally say they look great but I met someone the other day and didn't recognise her, even though I know her, and I realised it's because she'd lost so much weight. So I just blurted out "You've lost weight!" and she said "Yes, eight stone" and I said "Wow, that's a whole person!" She laughed and changed the subject. I have no right to know how she did it and I don't care, but I respect that however you do it, it's not easy.

I lost four stone - took me many years - and a couple of people have said 'It's alright for you, you're slim". So I tell them how hard it was. Yes, it's rude to comment!