MIL buying baby cringey clothing

[Copenhagener]

A very short AIBU.

I had my first baby last year. My MIL wants to buy baby clothing - I’m fine with that.

Instead of buying baby items we’ve said we like or need, she keeps buying baby clothing with pointed and cringey ‘grandma knows best’ slogans that I find so embarrassing to dress her in - so I don’t.

See picture below for an example: ‘Grandma: a mother without rules!’

There has also been: ‘grandma’s best friend’ ‘pass me to grandma’ ‘’if mommy says no, ask grandma!’ ‘call grandma: she always knows what to do!’ Etc. I have no idea where she finds this nonsense. She’s deliberately going out of her way to buy them. A lot are clearly low-quality rubbish from the internet.

She keeps asking why baby isn’t wearing said clothing and going on and on about how funny these outfits are when I see her.

AIBU to not dress baby in these outfits / ask her to cut it out?

It’s not her first grandchild and up until now, I thought we had a good relationship, but now I feel a bit irritated with her.

I can see why it’s annoying but IMO you pick your battles. It clearly brings her a lot of joy. Wash anything before you put baby in it, if it’s highly flammable or whatever just bin it. Put baby in the clothes every once in a while when you’re seeing her.

In terms of her “wanting to be the fun one”, let her! Isn’t that what grandparents are for? Stuffing you full of cookies and buying you things 😂 it’ll be a lovely relationship for your DC.

I say this as a mother of a toddler and soon-to-be newborn btw, I’m not a grandma or a MIL.

If you read all OP's posts, she has done those things and it isn't enough for her MIL.

I think this is massively inappropriate and weird tbh! It’s almost like she’s preempting how she wants the child to see her and I definitely wouldn’t be putting my little one in the numerous outfits that are being sent! One - fine, half a dozen - absolutely not! My partner’s sister bought our son a cute little auntie one which was lovely and I put him in it and took a photo for her. I think it said something about having a cool aunt (it was a while back) and I thought it was a lovely idea. If she’d continue to send numerous similar pieces with how superior she was I’d have certainly not continued to use them!

No way would I dress my baby in clothes from temu and no way would I dress my baby in clothes with these slogans. I’d accept an ‘I love my grandma’ shirt (not from temu) and happily put the baby in it on occasion, but not any of this grandma knows best bs. I’d also find it really odd because normally they are things other people buy (eg I would not buy an I love my mummy onesie but my dm or dh might)

If she keeps asking at every picture I’d try to make a ‘jokey’ comment about my child not being a human billboard or something but then I’d probably just stop sending her photos, she’s being incredibly rude really, like you haven’t got other things to think about with a 4m old without her criticising you basically for not thinking about her enough. And complaining about clothes when her response to dil sending pics should just be happiness!

I wouldn’t leave my baby with her to faff around with dressing up like a doll for her own vanity either.

I'd have a word with her about the Temu quality and safety issues, which might solve the problem.

I'd also try to find a tactful way - or rather better, get your DH to find a tactful way - to say that you are both a bit worried that the slogans seem to be setting up some kind of rivalry between granny and mum, which is not at all how you want your family to be, and you hope that they were just random things that popped up on the internet, rather than an expression of how she actually feels.

He can say lots of nice things about how great she is as a grandma, and how you would love her to be involved with the baby but you need to work as a team, not have this weird idea from the start about granny battling for the baby's affection.

And also press the message that health and safety must always come first. Did she ever apologise or show she realised what she had done with making your dog sick?

Okay, I answered based on the OP alone and didn't read the follow ups about them being Temu and possibly toxic, disintegrating in the wash, etc. Fair enough. The OP title said 'cringey' clothes, not dangerous, possibly toxic clothes, which is a different matter altogether.

You simply need to tell her the truth. 'MIL I am truly grateful for the gifts but unfortunately whenever I've washed these outfits they've literally shredded to bits after one wash because the fabric is such poor quality. I've also read that Temu uses highly toxic fabrics and it's made me really nervous to put baby in them. I just wanted to let you know so you don't waste your money any more. I know how you'd hate to think they were harming DGC, or that I was forced to put them straight in the bin. Thank you anyway, but it's probably best if you don't buy from the Chinese internet sites any more.'

She might not realise about temu if you tell her or more appropriately her son tells her about the chemicals and safety concerns she might see it differently. I don't like the slogans either, I found clothing like that great for weaning, want to try mushed up broccoli? Put this on, first spag bol, wear this etc but it was just stuff I didn't like rather than from temu

second hand clothes that were badly faded, obvious boys' clothes

Sorry @ExpatMum41 but neither of these things is actually a problem. Please tell me you didn't throw out perfectly good clothes because they were "faded" and/or not pink and frilly. We need to be more comfortable with making clothes last and not discarding things that aren't quite to our taste.

Yanbu slogan clothes like that are tacky AF and there’s no way I’d put my child in them, not even for photos for MIL. If she ever asks why she hasn’t seen the baby wear them, just say you didn’t really agree with the sentiments expressed and slogan clothing isn’t your taste. Maybe she’ll stop wasting her money.

What does your partner say about it? It's his mum so let him be the one to talk to her, not you. Coming from you, it will never have a good outcome.

Imagine caring more about the feelings of a grown woman than the safety of your 4 month old baby.

Ignore the posters on here OP.

My MIL used to buy clothes for my baby that I really hated. They weren’t TEMU level awful in terms of ethics but they just weren’t clothes I would have ever picked. If anyone remembers “tatty teddy” it was that sort of thing. It was my first child who got loads of clothes from my MIL and honestly, it upset me so much more than made sense. I think because I would have loved to have had even 10% of the money she spent on cutesy naff stuff to buy one really nice thing and I felt awful about donating 95% of what she sent. Thankfully she wasn’t local so I’d just put my baby in the clothes she sent, take a picture and then take them straight off and donate or go back to the shop for a credit note if I could. She loved the baby clothes from Boots so I did end up using some of that money on credit notes for nappies etc 🫣

The clothes weren’t that awful really but I haven’t forgotten how upset I was. (Obvs there was other stuff going on that made me upset and if she’d been a lovely MIL in every other way I would probably have embraced anything she brought because I liked/loved her)

Put them on inside out.

If you are unable to say something like I don’t like slogans, can you fib and say all the TEMU stuff falls apart in the wash, don’t waste your money or you can send links to things you want to buy etc. then boil wash one of them and show her

There’s a difference between someone buying clothes for your child that you just don’t like (sparkles, frills, cartoon characters, whatever) and someone buying clothes with slogans like that on them.

Buying your DIL baby clothes that say things like “Grandma knows best” or “I’d rather be at Grandma’s” and then pressuring her to dress her baby in them, so that she’s carrying her own child around in clothing that puts her down, is just shitty behaviour.

And that’s without touching the issue of Temu and unsafe materials/contamination. I would bin them and when she asks, tell her that you don’t think the quality is safe and don’t agree with the slogans. She’s not being nice or generous, she’s being weird and possessive.

Just my thoughts but I'm thinking you might come to a better understanding of the larger issue here (if there is one) if you step away from the baby clothes thing for a minute and try to evaluate your MIL objectively, as you might with someone you had no personal connection with.

Starting with that might give you your answers on how to deal with her, that you'll feel good about later and that will minimize problems going forward.

From what you've said, honestly, she strikes me as someone who is possibly not very intelligent, possibly also a bit childish, possibly rather desperately grasping for recognition (attention and/or status), also as someone without much in her life.

If that's how you see her, when you step back and think about it, then she might be someone you'd want to just kind of humor and be kind to. It could be she's just not someone you can expect much from. That she's more needy herself than to be able to be much of a resource for your little family in any way.

Or this could be just a passing quirk of an otherwise more sensible woman. Or she could be more malicious than any of the above and it could be some kind of passive-aggressive competition with you. Or something else entirely.

Anyway, I doubt the baby clothes will be the last issue here so that's where I'd start, pinpointing what type of person you're dealing with here and what that means to you and your new family and your as well as you and your husband's obligations to the larger family. Good luck with it.

I wouldn't buy from Shein/Temu; buy if she is generally a good mil/dgm then just do as pp have said & don't sweat the small stuff. You might need her one day for babysitting for a start! She just sounds excited to for a new baby in the family. Relationships between children & their grandparents can be so special, life's too short to worry about a few baby clothes that you don't like.
In the absence of any other really annoying behaviour it sounds like she just has a different sense of humour to you. Saying they're really passive aggressive/manipulative is a bit of an ott reaction @Commonsense22 🙄.

Tell her you're worried about safety of clothes grom Temu/shein, you won't use for your baby anymore and send her the links to the risks.

She'll moan about it I imagine, and tell people you're being overly precious, but will hopefully solve the problem. Jusy stick to your guns - hand back any crap she gives you.

I would never put my baby in any clothes which weren't from a reputable retailer or homemade.

One thing that just occurred to me.

My MIL has a very adversarial relationship with my SIL who has two young children. SIL wasn’t happy with how MIL looked after her kids in terms of safety standards (SIL is a labour and delivery nurse and very strict on child safety) and so wouldn’t let her babysit unsupervised after a few uncomfortable incidents. MIL often told me how over the top she found SIL. Things are better now, but she may be preparing for a similar scenario.

I’ve known MIL for nearly 10 years and we’ve gotten on very well up until now. It seems to be the arrival of baby that has triggered this.

If it was just the once I’d have taken a pic of the baby wearing the bloody outfit to send to granny and then chucked it into the donation pile. I’d do that once and the rest, forget it. And I wouldn’t dress my baby in that kind of crap by choice either. My baby received a fucking horrible blanket from someone that looked and felt so cheap and flammable it went straight in the bin- honestly felt like the static from it alone could set it alight. There was no label on it to say where it came from which wasn’t reassuring. I’m no snob btw- most of her stuff is secondhand but I won’t buy or accept anything I have doubts about.

I agree with you OP and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, especially as she doesn’t actually get anything you’ve specifically asked for or need. If she was helpful in other ways then she might have earned a bit of indulgence with silly slogan stuff, but if not then no way.

People saying to dress baby for photo or put it aside and actually remember to dress the baby in the items when she’s around must have had babies a long time ago or never as that’s actually a pretty big inconvenience for a sleep deprived parent to do and genuinely irritating and difficult to store this stuff and keep track.

If relatives aren’t going to do you the courtesy of asking what would be helpful, or buying you something you’ve said you need, then I don’t think they can expect the courtesy of photos of baby in tacky items.

And I totally agree on the quality thing and being particular about what fabrics your baby wears too. Very natural to feel this way and have heightened feelings about protecting your baby.

The only clothing gifts I feel obliged to take photos of or dress baby in are the hand knitted gifts due to the effort that’s gone into it, but something from Temu with a slogan I hate? Absolutely no way. I will thank every gift giver no matter the gift but the only people who get pictures are the knitters or if someone has given something truly lovely that shows they thought about what we might like.

The only thing you can do really is just avoid and deflect “oh sorry I forgot” “ah they’ve grown out of that now!” Etc and then just gently try to redirect her - I sometimes send my MIL pictures of baby things I find cute so she gets some inspiration (and bless her, she will hunt the exact thing down and buy multiple for us).

Anyway, my sympathies, it’s a minefield!

This isn’t your problem to resolve.

Your DH needs to tell his mum that the baby won’t be wearing by any Temu clothes and explain why and ask her to stop buying them.

Job done.

If she continues to do so, give them back to her and say “you’ll need to speak to DH about this, he’s too worried about these type of clothes to let baby wear them, so why don’t you just take them home with you and I’ll get DH to call you about it later.”

And repeat until she stops wasting her money.

Its his mum, he needs to sort it.

My mother would buy my kids things I didn’t like or need and no amount of telling her would get her to stop until one day I mentioned that I had to keep donating all the new things as I just didn’t have the room. When she knew I was giving them away she suddenly thought twice about buying anything new.

Given your updates she does sound batshit. As previously mentioned, get your husband to back you up on the clothes and start planning how you're going to handle the babysitting battle that's building, given the backstory there. How does your husband feel about that one - does he agree with his sister or his mother?

I also tried to pre-empt this with my in laws by saying “please if you would like to gift clothes no pink and no slogans, natural fibres etc” and MIL must have spread the word as all the gifts from that side were genuinely lovely items.

My own father however, who is really stylish and I never expected to be a risk, got a huge selection of 100% acrylic candy floss pink things with complicated buttons and collars and bows appropriate only for maybe a doll rather than human newborn.

I tried to put baby in one of the cardigans when he visited but it was so plastic and flammable feeling that I actually couldn’t bring myself to do it, I just imagined how hot, itchy and bothered I would feel wearing it and couldn’t do it to my newborn.

He has asked why he hasn’t seen Bub in her “pink things” and I have just deflected as best I can (gaslighted him and said she was in them last time didn’t he notice? lol).