I feel like I’m going insane

[helloworld213]

Me and my partner have been together almost 10 years and have 2 young children together. He has always had a really short temper and snaps over the smallest of things. Recently things have gotten so bad I just don’t know where to turn, but also doubt myself that I’m overreacting or being overly sensitive.

He has only ever been physically abusive years ago, he pushed me when we were drunk and I went flying into a table in a bar. I told him if he ever laid a finger on me again I would be gone. Nothing physical has ever happened since and I don’t feel unsafe around him. But I can’t take the “emotional abuse” (or so that’s what I think it is) anymore. He regularly calls me names (dickhead, fat cow, idiot, stupid) tells me to “shut your mouth”. For years I’ve taken it, because he apologises after but recently I started to realise that his apologies were always followed with a “but”.

For example we argued the other week because our toddler woke up in the night and I was trying to calm her down on the landing. Her crying woke the baby up and my partner came onto the landing and shouted at me “shut the fuck up you’ve woke him up” because the baby had woken up. The next morning I said to him why do you think it’s ok to speak to me like that? In front of our toddler too? He apologised but it was followed with “ I’m sorry for speaking to you like that but you shouldn’t have been on the landing”. Am I overreacting? Because every time he speaks to me like that or calls me an awful name he apologises and admits he shouldn’t have done it. But then it happens again and again and I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I’m finding this so hard because I love him. He’s not lazy and does lots around the house whilst working full time. I work too but solo parent a lot of the time because he works long days. He’s an amazing dad too but I’ve noticed our toddler has started acting up. She thinks it’s acceptable to tell me to shut up. She hits me and takes her anger out on me. I bought her a book about feelings and one of the questions was “what makes you sad” and she said “when daddy gets angry” and “what makes you scared” and she said “when daddy shouts”. I felt heartbroken. I don’t want this life for my children. I’ve threatened to leave numerous times and his responses are “you’ll have nothing” “you’ll end up on your own in a council house”. Like I care? I couldn’t care less if me and my babies are alone in a council house. As long as we’re happy and my children feel safe. Then when I filled the forms out for housing and he realised I was serious he said he knows he’s got issues and he doesn’t want me to leave.

That was 6 months ago. Since then it’s carried on and things are just getting worse. I could go on for hours about all the hurtful things over the years he’s done or said.

He tells me I’m giving up on our family but honestly I’ve fought for us for years. Giving him chance after chance and I’ve just got nothing left in me now. No fight. I’m so physically and mentally drained I don’t even argue back anymore I just go silent which makes him worse.

Please someone tell me if I’m being irrational or if I need to leave?

What they all said 👆
Life can be better than this OP. I hope you find a way 💐

By staying, you are letting him damage your children.

Your post reminded me of this:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5293109-hand-hold-for-leaving-emotionallyverbally-and-financially-abusive-relationship?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share.

But in her case she had decided to leave and needed advice around assets, property etc.

OP That's what your post should: advice on HOW to leave. Not IF. 💐
Listen to your daughter. Please !

Bloody hell, clicked the wrong option how do you cancel it? YANBU BTW

Incase anyone is wondering why I posted this on here tonight after years of living like this. Two things that have happened over the weekend that have really just tipped me over the edge.

I had a really tough day yesterday with the kids, baby teething, toddler not well, and I’d been to see my mum at the crematorium so I just felt really blergh! He came home from work and we were just talking. I said I’d had a rough day and felt really overstimulated. Before I had chance to finish my sentence I said “over” and he interrupted me by saying “weight”. I was so shocked I said “what the hell” “why are you saying I’m overweight” (For reference I’m 9st and just had a baby not like that should even matter) he said “no I never called you overweight, I was just guessing what you were going to say” then that turned into a huge argument because in the past he has called me a “fat cow” and I just felt so hurt all over again.

Then tonight after bath time he was making faces with the baby in the mirror and he wee’d everywhere. Shouting “He’s fucking pissed all over me” storming into the bedroom. I grabbed him a clean towel and took it into the bedroom, all I said was “when you get him out the bath just bring him straight into his bedroom”. I was genuinely trying to help him. He went mental. “Shut the fuck up” he shouted at me and slammed the door. I went to put our daughter to bed I could hear him through the wall saying to the baby “she just can’t help her dickhead self with her fucking stupid comments”. All while our daughter is stood right next to me just looking up at me. It absolutely broke my heart.

Those two situations in 24 hours have made me realise I am so done.

I’m so scared for what the future will hold for me and my babies but I know it’s for the best. I have told him all along that if we separate I would never stop him seeing the kids they are just as much his children as they are mine.

I struggle with my MH and currently going through therapy for PND and OCD, another thing he uses against me in arguments. Tells me I’m mentally unstable and the kids would be better off without me. I just hope I’m doing the right thing for them.

What do you think is the best thing to do? Tell him I’m leaving or pretend like things are ok until I know I have help from the council? My friend went through something similar and it took her 7 months to get a house. I’m so scared if I tell him I’m leaving him he will make my life hell for however long until I get a house. I’ve asked him recently if he would leave and he refused. In an ideal world he would leave and I would be able to stay in our family home with my babies where they are happy and comfortable but I just can’t afford to pay the mortgage, I heavily rely on him financially💔

Telling my sister (or more accurately her witnessing some of the verbal abuse 2 years ago) was the first tiny step towards me leaving my partner, who treated me in a similar way to yours - it was actually my sister who came and stayed with me last month while he was away and helped to move me and the children out.
it is absolutely terrifying, and I completely understand that you want to protect him (I still feel this way). Also I felt the same way about speaking to a DV charity (“it’s not bad enough…”) but after a 2 hour meeting last week they convinced me that I had done absolutely the right thing in leaving.
My daughter is a bit older than yours but she had been saying similarly heartbreaking things to me over the last few years and I knew that in the end I had to leave for her, and my son, and my own sanity.
it’s so so hard but I think you know that this is what’s going to need to happen eventually for you to give your children the life that you want them to have. Sending you a big whoosh of support from someone who has just been through it - and tell your sisters!!

If in 20 years time your dd told you her partner was treating her like this, would you tell her to leave becauseshe is worth so much more than this? If so, then you need to love yourself as much as you love your dd and get out

He doesn't have to physically hurt you to be abusive. What he's doing is abuse. He is frightening your little girl and making her sad. This alone should tell you that you need to leave, let alone what it's doing to you.

You deserve to be happy and have a peaceful home. There are good men out there but he is not one of them. I've been married 35 years and my DH has never, not once, spoken to me like that. It's not ok, it's not part of a normal relationship, it is abuse.

Please get help and leave - for yourself and for your children 🙏

Sorry I worded it wrong. I should’ve said he is present with the kids and does what he should do as their dad. I understand he is not an “amazing dad” when our daughter is scared of him.

sweetheart I was stressed just reading this. However you leave, you will never have to deal with this shit again. It’s going to be hard and the main hard part is that life will be different but I’d bed money within five minutes there’s such a huge weight off your chest.

This is upsetting to read. Tell your sisters and stop worrying about him and how others perceive him. He is abusive and this is not a good dad.

You are being unreasonable for having two children with this man after years of mental abuse but I understand that abuse is complicated and that you are trauma bonded to him so start doing the freedom programme and research’s and help yourself out of the situation you’re in for two years I didn’t want to accept that what I was going through was abusive but if you have accepted it then you can help yourself

You could go to a women’s shelter. You could ring the DV helpline. Don’t be put off by the idea that they might not be the right service for you. Contact anyone and everyone who might be able to help, or at least point you in the direction of someone who can.

Remember, you are not being silly. Everyone who has heard your story is adamant you should leave. You just need to work out how.

Leave. Take the day off work, wait for him to leave for the day and pack up and go.

You're right to feel like you're going insane because this is insane and is an abusive relationship. You need to leave, if not for yourself then for the sake of your kids.

remember that you don’t owe him. I wouldn’t tell him op, I’d talk to council, talk to your sisters, and start packing precious things and leaving them at their house. Baby things, the clothes to grow into, passports and documents, a tub of toys and books, all your jewelry except what you are wearing, he won’t notice will he? A box a week.

I completely agree and I think when you look at it from that perspective my god it makes me think what the hell am I still doing here.

I actually asked my partner this. After a really bad argument a few weeks ago I said to him “if came to you when she was older and said her partner had been treating her how you treat me, what would you do?” he said “I know, I’d probably want to hurt him and I’d tell her to leave as fast as she could.”

So he knows what he’s doing is wrong and he knows he’s risking losing his family because of all this but he still can’t stop.

He knows he has a problem but he isn’t doing a thing about it. Wanker.

You and your children deserve so much better than this pathetic excuse for a man. You deserve to feel safe and loved. Not terrified. Leave now before the damage to your children is irreversible. Get angry and use the anger to make plans and get help. It’s out there. Sending love and strength.

Leave him. He is vile and you can do so much better than this waste of space.

I know you’ve since retracted it, but I only have to read the words amazing dad on a thread to know the OP needs to leave.

If refuges were still a viable possibility I would be advising you to call their number first thing in the morning (or at least as soon as he had left the house). But they’ve been so decimated …

It’s tricky because you need to be in the best situation to qualify for help from your council. Do not say anything about leaving to your partner That could be very unsafe for you. You would be wise to act without raising suspicion. Can you (in the normal course of the day) remove all important documents - passports, birth certificates, etc and store them with your sisters, or have them collect the documents while he’s out?

More than filling in forms you need to be speaking to people who can help face to face to expedite actually receiving help. And you should probably take someone - a sister perhaps - with you to any meeting, because you’re still in a fog of I love him and I don’t want to ruin his life. Someone needs to advocate for you and your children.

Emotional abuse is domestic abuse OP. Any charity or department labelled "domestic violence" will help with any kind of domestic abuse.

"I have told him all along that if we separate I would never stop him seeing the kids they are just as much his children as they are mine."
It's pointless leaving, then handing your children over to be emotionally abused. You heard what he said to your baby. He'll be worse once you've split. You need to document everything. It would be ideal if you could record him. Don't tell him, just go. Don't assume that it won't turn physical once he knows you are serious. It's a dangerous time for a woman and her children.

When you say I’d be handing them over, isn’t that what I’d have to do? I will protect my children within an inch of my life but surely I’d have to allow him equal parental responsibility wouldn’t I once I leave? I have no idea how any of this works. Hence why I said to him I wouldn’t keep the children from seeing him.

I have been recording him for a very long time. He caught me doing it so now if he thinks my phone is nearby he starts acting different but I have 100’s of videos of him shouting at me and calling me vile names. I changed my phone passcode so I know he can’t delete the videos. Every time he insults me I write it in my notes on my phone.

He may not know your passcode but he could very easily destroy your phone. I sincerely hope you have sent those recordings to someone you trust who lives elsewhere.

It’s not hard to see why your mental health has suffered, @helloworld213. All the therapy in the world won’t cure you of being ill-treated in your own home. Or of watching your children learn, day by day, from the one person other than you who influences them most, that this is how you are to be treated.

Yes, please safeguard those recordings. As well as all your important documents - birth certificates, passports, financial documentation, etc.

And contact Women's Aid for advice on how to leave him.

Also the council's housing office and the police domestic abuse helpline. Women's Aid should be able to guide you.

You will feel better and empowered once you start being proactive.