I feel like I’m going insane

[helloworld213]

Me and my partner have been together almost 10 years and have 2 young children together. He has always had a really short temper and snaps over the smallest of things. Recently things have gotten so bad I just don’t know where to turn, but also doubt myself that I’m overreacting or being overly sensitive.

He has only ever been physically abusive years ago, he pushed me when we were drunk and I went flying into a table in a bar. I told him if he ever laid a finger on me again I would be gone. Nothing physical has ever happened since and I don’t feel unsafe around him. But I can’t take the “emotional abuse” (or so that’s what I think it is) anymore. He regularly calls me names (dickhead, fat cow, idiot, stupid) tells me to “shut your mouth”. For years I’ve taken it, because he apologises after but recently I started to realise that his apologies were always followed with a “but”.

For example we argued the other week because our toddler woke up in the night and I was trying to calm her down on the landing. Her crying woke the baby up and my partner came onto the landing and shouted at me “shut the fuck up you’ve woke him up” because the baby had woken up. The next morning I said to him why do you think it’s ok to speak to me like that? In front of our toddler too? He apologised but it was followed with “ I’m sorry for speaking to you like that but you shouldn’t have been on the landing”. Am I overreacting? Because every time he speaks to me like that or calls me an awful name he apologises and admits he shouldn’t have done it. But then it happens again and again and I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I’m finding this so hard because I love him. He’s not lazy and does lots around the house whilst working full time. I work too but solo parent a lot of the time because he works long days. He’s an amazing dad too but I’ve noticed our toddler has started acting up. She thinks it’s acceptable to tell me to shut up. She hits me and takes her anger out on me. I bought her a book about feelings and one of the questions was “what makes you sad” and she said “when daddy gets angry” and “what makes you scared” and she said “when daddy shouts”. I felt heartbroken. I don’t want this life for my children. I’ve threatened to leave numerous times and his responses are “you’ll have nothing” “you’ll end up on your own in a council house”. Like I care? I couldn’t care less if me and my babies are alone in a council house. As long as we’re happy and my children feel safe. Then when I filled the forms out for housing and he realised I was serious he said he knows he’s got issues and he doesn’t want me to leave.

That was 6 months ago. Since then it’s carried on and things are just getting worse. I could go on for hours about all the hurtful things over the years he’s done or said.

He tells me I’m giving up on our family but honestly I’ve fought for us for years. Giving him chance after chance and I’ve just got nothing left in me now. No fight. I’m so physically and mentally drained I don’t even argue back anymore I just go silent which makes him worse.

Please someone tell me if I’m being irrational or if I need to leave?

I have only read your replies, but it's very obvious from the outside that you and your children need to get out of this situation. There's still time for you to make a happy life for them.

I know it must be so daunting, but being exposed to this is damaging for your psyche. You said earlier that he isn't physically violent. It sounds to me like he doesn't need to be. He gets away with bullying you so that's probably satisfying his craving to be nasty.

I really hope you can find a way to dismiss his influence from your life. Speaking to that DV team sounds like a good idea. Believe in yourself and imagine how much happier and confident you will feel in a year when you've conquered this. You can do it! 🌺

I’m so pleased you’re able to recognise that you’ve been experiencing domestic abuse and that it’s negatively impacting your children. Now it’s time to make sure you act to protect the kids physically and emotionally, to give them the best possible chance in the future, as research shows that being exposed to domestic abuse as a child makes them more likely to be either a perpetrator or victim of domestic abuse themselves, and to struggle with their mental health etc.
In terms of practical steps I’d go in to see your local housing team to discuss your options, and I’d google your county name and domestic abuse charity to find a local service who can offer face to face support. I wouldn’t tell your partner yet that you’re ending it as domestic abuse often escalates when someone tries to leave. He’s also likely to try and move you in to the honeymoon phase (google domestic abuse cycle) where he makes false promises about how he is going to change, and you’re at risk of him getting in your head.

"...... because of all this but he still can’t stop."

He can stop.

He doesn't want to stop.

He's not helpless.

Your dcs are.

Get out of there. And fight like hell to stop him having unsupervised access to them.

He's disgusting.

He’s an amazing dad too but I’ve noticed our toddler has started acting up. She thinks it’s acceptable to tell me to shut up. She hits me and takes her anger out on me. I bought her a book about feelings and one of the questions was “what makes you sad” and she said “when daddy gets angry” and “what makes you scared” and she said “when daddy shouts”.

That is SO far from amazing. Well done on leaving, filling in the housing forms etc. Good luck.

You need to start making plans for you and your children to leave if he won't. You don't want your kids witnessing you being abused and growing up to think it's normal. If he can abuse you like that, he can certainly do it to them as well.

He could stop. He doesn’t behave like this around anyone else, does he? He chooses to behave this way with you and his dependant children, because he can.

I found the book ‘Why Does He Do That?’ by Lundy Bancroft an eye opening read and you can get a free pdf of it online- I would urge you to read it @helloworld213 maybe while you are getting your important documents and possessions together and storing them somewhere safe. Birth certificates for you and kids, marriage certificate, passports, driving licence, photographs and keepsakes, especially any from your mum. You can’t trust him not to destroy your things out of spite (and by the way, you can’t trust him at all) especially if he knows they’re precious to you.

Good luck.

What negatives do you think would outweigh the child telling her daddy makes her upset and scared?
What outweighs the children having a mother who is barely functioning, as the father is running her mental health into the ground?
I'm genuinely interested in how you rationalise staying as the better option here.

Can I suggest this guide is renamed ‘domestic abuse’ rather than violence? Often in these cases, violence hasn’t been a defining factor and terming it as such can make victims question whether what they are experiencing is in fact abuse, if there is no ‘violence’. Within CJS we never refer to it as domestic violence for this reason

Hi. I've been in that situation. I got out before DC was 3 and honestly I'm still so proud of myself for doing it while DC was young enough to not really remember.

Your baby could grow up away from this, but you have to act.

Absolutely don't tell him anything you're planning. It's statistically dangerous when women leave, and if he doesn't hurt you he'll go the other way and charm you to the extent you question your decision.

Keep it to yourself. Wait until you have a place to go sorted and just leave one day.

The other option is to move in with a friend or relative temporarily if you can.

I know you've said you rely on him financially. That makes it harder but not impossible. Find out what benefits you are entitled to and how to claim them.

I promise you, living away from him will make you realise just what you've put up with for so long. You can do this. Accept it will be VERY hard for a short while, and then so much better.

He's not a good day, he's abusive to you in front of your children and you need to leave as soon as possible.

You know his promises to change are meaningless and self-serving so please try and get out now. The awful things he says and the awful way he behaves in front of your children will damage them. Please get out now.

I struggle with my MH and currently going through therapy for PND

I would be amazed if you weren’t, OP! You are living in Hell, and so are your poor children.

Please, please get that appalling man out of your lives as fast as you can. You have so much evidence of his abuse, surely he wouldn’t be allowed unfettered access to the children ? (I don’t know, I just hope that’s the case, but plenty of wise MNers can advise you.)

Best of luck, OP. You and DC can start living normal happy lives once you’re away from that thug.

I can feel the tension from here and worry for you and your children that he will snap, like he did when he pushed you. What if he snaps with your children? You need out of there, fast!!

I definitely wouldn’t tell him you’re leaving. He’ll either get worse, or he’ll pretend to be nice to get you to stay.
Act normally but make a plan as soon as you can and leave.
Whats the housing situation?

I’m glad you’ve written here and heard the support.
you know in your gut , and you’ve known for some time, haven’t you, that it’s really not ok at all how he speaks to you.

it doesn’t matter if he says “I messed up” or “I know I have issues.” It’s so easy to say things like that.
please don’t let him talk you around anymore. He is escaping the consequences of his actions and choices, and you and your children are the ones who are suffering. Meanwhile he just continues on.

please get free of him.

it sounds like you’ve made up your mind to do it, and I’m so glad!
I would not tell him until you have support in place to leave. Men can get violent when women get ready to leave.

be careful, OP, and also stand your ground. You deserve a better life than this!

You need to leave. Your toddler has told you she’s scared of her dad; what bigger prompt do you need?

Oh sweetheart you need to leave. Big strength to you and your children.
I did want to correct a poster above for OP and anyone else reading this thread - refuges are functioning, they are open and they do have spaces. The charity sector may be 'decimated' as a poster described but the refuges are still there.
I work closely with one and it has rooms available right now. That doesn't mean it's the right move for OP to go into a refuge if she has options like family, or council emergency accommodation to help her stay in the area - her local DA team or women's aid will work that out with her - but refuges 100% are available for women seeking help.
Best of luck OP - make that call.

I cannot believe the sheer amount of threads lately where the OP is in an abusive relationship with an awful man and she’s questioning whether it’s normal or not. It’s so, so sad.

He is gaslighting you op

Please read it's not you, by dr ramani, and why does he do that , by Lundy Bancroft

He knows exactly what he's doing.

Make a plan before you tell him - it's time to be brave but there is a happy life ahead. Get some therapy too xx

No, she needs to seek legal advice first before he finds out her plan to leave . Ducks in a row first

Ps I've been there my child's father is the same - another book to read is 'how to annhialate a narcissist in the family court'

It is never recommended to go to counselling with an abusive partner. Please leave for your children's sake as well as your own

I didn’t mean - and didn’t wish to imply - that refuges no longer exist, or are not open. The difficulty is that there are vastly fewer places available and less funding, so it is much more difficult to access that particular form of help. It’s no longer possible to say, with certainty, to a woman anywhere in the country in this situation, Go to Citizen’s Advice, they’ll get you into a refuge today. Or Phone this number. Pack what you can. We’ll send a cab in two hours to pick you up with your children. Both of those examples are the sort of help that used to be available when I was involved with refuges in the early 2000s.

(I’d be interested to know if your refuge applies the same criteria for entry as it did maybe fifteen years ago? Or can house women for the length of time it could back then?)

Bloody hell, he’s an absolute arse. He knows exactly what he’s doing to you and he’s doing absolutely nothing to control his temper and his hurtful words.
What your daughter said is heartbreaking.

I would caution against going to stay with family or friends (unless in urgent danger - where it would be wise to call the police.) The problem is that councils might use any reason to deny you swift help with accommodation - including deeming a person voluntarily homeless, or saying you have a safe home with the friend or family member who offers you a bed for a few nights. You really do need professional advice as a matter of urgency.

@helloworld213

OP every update you post just show how bad your situation is and makes me want to give you a hug. Please lean on your sisters and tell them exactly what has been happening so they can support you.

Your worry of others hating him shows you are a very nice person but unfortunately he is not and if others hate him when they find out the truth that is not on you it is on him, it is his words and actions that have created this situation

When he pulls your mental health issues up, that is a classic line that abusers like to use. It is like they all went to a school to learn how to be abusers, they all use the same tactics. It is a way of making you feel useless and that you are the problem. You are not!

Please don’t tell him that you plan to leave. Keep your plans to yourself but please please phone women’s aid for advice. Leaving can be dangerous and they will help you to understand what next steps you can take

If you’ve videos of the abuse then keep these safe and tell women’s aid about these. It might be that there is something they can do to support you so that when you do leave it may not be as simple as you having to just hand your kids over for his time with them. Someone with expertise in abuse needs to know about those videos. It might be that social workers will want to offer support and it might be that he has to have supervised contact.

The issues you have described are serious and abusive. People can be arrested for these behaviours. You don’t have to live like this. There are people who can help you and your children