Not stopping stranger grabbing DD's hand

Pixiedusty · 2025-04-13T00:15:53+00:00

We were out at a nice restaurant. One of the servers decided he needed to interact with my toddler DD. She did not want to give him a high 5. He then grabbed her hand to show her how to type on the ipad where they took orders. She didn't pull her hand away but I could see in her face that she didn't want to be doing this. I was mortified but didn't know how to react. DH also didn't say anything which I'm also annoyed with him about (afterwards). She wasn't upset about it afterwards and when we left he tried to get a high 5 from her again which she did. But now I'm lying awake at 1am thinking how could I have failed to intervened on behalf of my child when I could've so easily done so?

Hufflemuff · 13/04/2025 01:48

Nothing you can do about it now and if you didnt react, why be annoyed at DH for having the same lack of reaction?

Think about how you will react next time, but please don't shout at an employee who may have been innocently trying to entertain your child.

Original poster

Pixiedusty · 13/04/2025 01:57

And what makes you think I'll shout at anyone if I didn't even say anything this time?

OP posts:

nocoolnamesleft · 13/04/2025 01:59

Don't be angry at your husband for not reacting. You didn't either.

Hufflemuff · 13/04/2025 02:01

Pixiedusty · 13/04/2025 01:57

And what makes you think I'll shout at anyone if I didn't even say anything this time?

Oh I literally knew this comment was coming... well you're up at 1am moaning about this, which suggests to me youre building up a lot of anger on this topic and are ripe for overreaction should anything similar happen again.

Original poster

Pixiedusty · 13/04/2025 02:08

My post is more about how often we always prioritising other people's feelings over our own. Obviously I knew he was trying to be nice hence I didn't react in that moment. However clearly personal boundaries were crossed - he wouldn't have done this to an adult. And yet none of us reacted, because it would've been rude. I'm annoyed, yes, because I didn't speak up - does not equate to "shouting" at anyone

OP posts:

Uppitymuppity · 13/04/2025 02:09

Get a grip

CavalierApproach · 13/04/2025 02:14

Is there a bigger picture here, in terms of something more fundamental you’re struggling with?

Just going by the description in your op, your self-recrimination sounds a bit out of proportion to what actually happened.

Original poster

Pixiedusty · 13/04/2025 02:23

I am overthinking it, I know DD won't even remember it. No harm was done, I know, I just can't shake the feeling like if I can't "protect" her from this very small thing, I have no chance of doing this for the bigger things

OP posts:

fatgirlswims · 13/04/2025 02:35

i think your reaction is correct -to be pissed off it happened but you were a bit powerless. He crossed a line. You can’t really say “don’t touch my child” without raising a few eyebrows. You can’t say she’s shy as that makes out it dds fault.

it’s easier with my dog - I just say he’s not friendly!

some times an incredulous stony eyed open mouth stare works wonders. (Normally ruined by my mother who fills the uncomfortable silence with platitudes such sas “oh it’s ok” or “thats nice”.

you could try “she doesn’t like strangers” it passive aggressive enough to make the point nicely!

Poppyseeds79 · 13/04/2025 02:41

Don't beat yourself up about it... You know that if there's a future incident that next time you'll step up and react. That's what your mind is now telling you to think about it for.

ElbowsUp · 13/04/2025 02:47

You probably didn't intervene because it was fleeting and pretty inconsequential. I don't think you should be stressing about this brief interaction.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 13/04/2025 02:51

People love little children and love to interact with them. I think it's nice. Your DD will also have benefited from the interaction with a new person and the free hand-to-eye coordination practice! I don't know what to say, really. If you don't like people interacting with her, maybe stay home until she's less cute?!

ThisFluentBiscuit · 13/04/2025 02:52

Pixiedusty · 13/04/2025 02:23

I am overthinking it, I know DD won't even remember it. No harm was done, I know, I just can't shake the feeling like if I can't "protect" her from this very small thing, I have no chance of doing this for the bigger things

This sounds a bit like anxiety. What do you think?

Poppyseeds79 · 13/04/2025 02:56

ThisFluentBiscuit · 13/04/2025 02:51

People love little children and love to interact with them. I think it's nice. Your DD will also have benefited from the interaction with a new person and the free hand-to-eye coordination practice! I don't know what to say, really. If you don't like people interacting with her, maybe stay home until she's less cute?!

It's not entirely about that though. Absolutely it's lovely that kids feel they can interact with adults safely. However, nobody wants their child to feel that a stranger laying hands on them without their consent is right. Not everybody in life is a predator, but it only takes 1 person with ill intent and a child that doesn't know they are allowed to say "no" if they feel uncomfortable.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 13/04/2025 03:06

When my dc is shy/uncertain with someone I acknowledge it and say, It's okay, you don't have to (do X); and then tell I the person trying to interact that my dc is cautious with people not known, but thanks for being friendly and understanding.

ThriveAT · 13/04/2025 03:15

Pixiedusty · 13/04/2025 02:08

My post is more about how often we always prioritising other people's feelings over our own. Obviously I knew he was trying to be nice hence I didn't react in that moment. However clearly personal boundaries were crossed - he wouldn't have done this to an adult. And yet none of us reacted, because it would've been rude. I'm annoyed, yes, because I didn't speak up - does not equate to "shouting" at anyone

OP, I was in a similar(ish) situation with my kids years ago. Try not to beat yourself up as you can't turn back time. My children (now teens) tell me no harm was done. Learn from it for next time.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 13/04/2025 03:19

Poppyseeds79 · 13/04/2025 02:56

It's not entirely about that though. Absolutely it's lovely that kids feel they can interact with adults safely. However, nobody wants their child to feel that a stranger laying hands on them without their consent is right. Not everybody in life is a predator, but it only takes 1 person with ill intent and a child that doesn't know they are allowed to say "no" if they feel uncomfortable.

Show quote history

The child's parents were right there and it was their waiter having a little interaction with her, not a stranger who walked right up. I don't think that showing her the ipad or teaching her a high-five counts as laying his hands on her. That makes it sound so threatening. Jeez, the poor waiter was just having a brief play with her, which is actually good for her. Anyway, I pretty much ignore people's kids, which sounds like the right way to go.

RawBloomers · 13/04/2025 03:21

I think you should stop worrying about it.

No harm was done. Her life won't be ruined by having some waiter touch her hand to try and interact with her. He could have read the situation better, but intentions were good. I don't see the relevance of the fact he wouldn't have done it to an adult. She isn't an adult. He tried to interact with her on her level but got it wrong. Teaching her to be gracious about that is important. Not nearly as important as teaching her how to enforce her own boundaries as she grows up but you have time for that.

You don't have to fret over every little thing that didn't quite work out. As she grows, practice things she can say and ways she can pull back if she doesn't want to do things someone's trying to impose. There's plenty of time. That's what childhood is for.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 13/04/2025 03:22

Pixiedusty · 13/04/2025 02:23

I am overthinking it, I know DD won't even remember it. No harm was done, I know, I just can't shake the feeling like if I can't "protect" her from this very small thing, I have no chance of doing this for the bigger things

But you didn't need to protect her. She needs to get used to the world and the people in it, and her development is made up of millions of tiny moments like this. He was just a nice friendly waiter acknowledging your kid.

SheridansPortSalut · 13/04/2025 03:30

Your logic is flawed.
You didn't 'protect' her because you didn't sense that she was in danger. If you did, you would have reacted differently.

Original poster

Pixiedusty · 13/04/2025 03:32

Thanks to those who are understanding. It's not just about "protecting" her in that moment - it's also about showing her that it was OK for her to enforce her own boundaries. Which I didn't adequately help her do in that instance because I said nothing so implicitly endorsed the behaviour. Anyway as one PP said, live and learn (and thanks @Mumtobabyhavoc good practical tip🙏)

OP posts:

JorgyPorgy · 13/04/2025 03:50

Next time just say “oh no she’s really shy aren’t you “ , take her hand or put your arm around her . Waiter was just being friendly & welcoming to children, meant no harm.

Tbrh · 13/04/2025 05:05

Kindly, get a grip and stop all the anxiety or you'll project it into your child, you probably already are of she can't cope with giving a friendly stranger a high 5 while with both her parents. Something to think about.

bigboykitty · 13/04/2025 05:14

I would just look the person firmly in the eye and say 'no thank you - she doesn't want to'. I really understand being put on the spot and clamming up. Please don't say she's shy - it infers that your daughter is deficient in some way because she doesn't want to have physical contact with a stranger. Your daughter's instinct is healthy. You need to help her learn to say no and to have body autonomy. I do also like the PP's earlier suggestion of 'it's okay, you don't have to do it'.

There are some batshit comments on this thread, BTW, @Pixiedusty , as you probably already know.

Zanatdy · 13/04/2025 05:40

No harm was done. My DD has always been incredibly shy, but I never stopped any interactions like that.