Not stopping stranger grabbing DD's hand

[Pixiedusty]

We were out at a nice restaurant. One of the servers decided he needed to interact with my toddler DD. She did not want to give him a high 5. He then grabbed her hand to show her how to type on the ipad where they took orders. She didn't pull her hand away but I could see in her face that she didn't want to be doing this. I was mortified but didn't know how to react. DH also didn't say anything which I'm also annoyed with him about (afterwards).

She wasn't upset about it afterwards and when we left he tried to get a high 5 from her again which she did. But now I'm lying awake at 1am thinking how could I have failed to intervened on behalf of my child when I could've so easily done so?

She wasn't upset about it afterwards

This is important. Your reaction is completely out of proportion with your DD's. She was a little reluctant to engage to your familiar eye but then easily moved on.

Our children learn to advocate for themselves by repeatedly seeing that modeled, by being helped to do so when they seek our help, and by having situations that give them small, contained feelings of discomfort. Parents do not need to jump in and intervene every time our children look a little reluctant or uncomfortable in order to raise people who know how to say no. Let this one go.

That’s a ridiculous extension of what happened. Of course you’d have protected her if it was a bigger deal. Let it go. Get some sleep.

Was it an Italian restaurant? I ask only because IME, Italian waiters are all over children, interacting with them. I once saw a woman pushing a pram outside an Italian restaurant. Woman tripped, fell flat on her face. Pram ok, but every waiter flew out the place and gathered around baby, and were not too concerned with woman chewing the pavement.
You are over-reacting in any case
Just teach you daughter to speak up against inappropriate actions, rather than to be scared of men.

She wasn't at any harm to " protect" from though

In real danger your reactions would get totally different

Good grief. Nothing actually happened. It's life.

No harm done, you'll do better next time, so chalk it up to experience and a learning point.

OMG. Don't move to Italy! Every bloody Nonna is all over every kid like a rash. They pick up toddlers in the park and cover them in kisses before you've even had a chance to stand up. And if you were to say anything, you'd get a long, dramatic lecture about why you're wrong! I find it "challenging".

Don’t ever, ever go on holiday to Italy or Sicily…….!

I think you’re overreacting here. He wasn’t a “stranger” in that sense; he was serving your table, therefore he had a perfectly valid reason to interact with you. And he sounds like he was just trying to include your DD and be nice to her rather than anything else more sinister. Not something I’d have given any thought to at the time and certainly not something to worry about afterwards. My DD is 16; there are times when she has to interact with all sorts of people to order drinks, find out where she wants to go etc. One of her friends basically cannot do this as she is almost paralysed with fear at the thought of “strangers”. And it’s going to be a difficult ride for this girl to go out on her own, cope at university etc. Little interactions like that help kids learn what is friendly and okay and what isn’t, who’s friendly and who’s maybe a bit iffy etc. it’s good for them and can sometimes offer a really valuable talking point for you.

The overreaction from OP is why I avoid interacting with people's children. I can't imagine I'm the only one. Some people have a problem with that, too.

The kid is probably shy because you get major anxiety when someone goes near them. She will sense it

YABVU for being annoyed at your DH!

What a load of fuss about absolutely nothing. And what a bleak view of interactions with other people. I think far more 'harm' is likely to come to a child having a parent this neurotic than from a harmless encounter with a waiter who maybe got it slightly wrong but coming from a very good place.

The reason you didn't 'protect' your child was that she didn't need protection. You knew the waiter wasn't going to harm her. They shouldn't have touched her and it is good to teach about boundaries. But also it is good for her to learn to recognise when someone is just being their version of friendly and if it is worth doing something about it or going along with it (and yes. This goes to men and women)

Fundamentally this. She was fine, get a grip.

I think it’s actually really sad that people treat children like possessions. He was having a little play with her. What did you think was going to happen? Not every touching of a child is a pedophile getting his kicks, or an old lady wanting to transfer disease, or someone trying to steal them. Sometimes it’s someone just bringing joy.

Also, parenting is a long game. If you overreact every time someone is kind to your child, saying out loud they’re your possession child and must be left alone, you’re going to raise a tremendous wet blanket of a human.

And similarly not every interaction is a boundary crossed. And you don’t have to charge in like a white knight bearing your sword on behalf of your DD. Wait until she starts school. Do you think she will never be touched by her teacher? Or an older kid?

OP
Nothing bad happened here. A stranger grabbed your daughter's hand to show her something and she didn't like it. He thought he was being kind and interacting with a child, but she didn't like it.

Perhaps just teach her that if she is in a similar situation, she can just take her hand away and say ' I can do it'

I genuinely don't know why this is anxiety inducing?

I understand you op. I remember a time at nursery where I was dropping DD off and she cuddled to me and said ‘mummy I feel shy’. The staff greeting her said ‘oh you’re not shy’, took her hand and brought her in - and I said nothing! And also fretted all day that my sweet little one who articulated her feelings so well had been blatantly invalidated and I didn’t help. Not the end of the world but a bit gutting when you see a good ‘teachable moment’ but miss it. Don’t worry about all those trying to invalidate how you feel here. It’s ok to want a different culture for your child than you were raised with, you sound like you have the perspective to move on but I get how you feel.

From your opening of “server decided he had to interact with my child” I knew you were going to be unreasonable.

if I were you I would change your attitude, or you’re going to spend a lot of nights awake stewing, like you are now.

But why does her every feeling have to be validated? These people have a busy day and other kids to look after, whilst on NMW. They effectively told her “Yes you don’t want to come in but it’s good to step out your comfort zone” and brought her in. This is good for her. Did you expect them to shrug and say “Oh well, never mind”. I’d also wonder where she gets the notion that she’s shy.

I get your point @JandamiHashand agree not every feeling needs validated, children have to learn the world doesn’t stop because they have an uncomfortable emotion. And also teaching a child that feeling reluctant doesn’t mean they shouldn’t go ahead is important. All I’m saying is I wish I had said ‘you don’t feel like going in but I expect you will feel better once you get some toast’ etc. I don’t think the staff communicated that, a 3yr old doesn’t read the ‘effectively said’ subtext. It’s a far better response to receive what someone says to us, adults included, than ignore and dismiss it. But I do plenty of invalidating my children, don’t worry, I just understand what the op is saying, she wishes she took the opportunity to show the child that we can be assertive when we don’t like something, or someone tells us we don’t feel what we know we do feel.

That’s not what mortified means.

In common with comments some posters have made here, I am often genuinely confused about UK (or do I mean English, because I don't see this often elsewhere?) attitudes towards children. Whilst teaching about "stranger danger" and appropriate behaviours / boundaries is very important, on the one hand there are complaints (and plenty of threads here) about how people hate children and are very anti-children, then you get the "don't go anywhere near my child" like this where you aren't allowed to interact at all. I don't come across the angst in many other countries. We are talking about perfectly normal interactions with children in safe settings where their parents / care givers are present. It does sometimes feel that you can't get things right for doing wrong.

I understand why the situation made you feel uncomfortable OP but I actually think you did the right thing not saying anything in the moment in front of your DD as it would have shown your anxiety to her which could have been more harmful. Over time you’ll teach her to understand and speak up for her own boundaries, rather than mummy will swoop in and remove her from potentially awkward situations.

Sweet mother of God, how do people like you navigate the real, messy world. You must live a life of insane privilege to have the time or head space to 'fret' about as innocuous an interaction as you describe.