Not stopping stranger grabbing DD's hand

[Pixiedusty]

We were out at a nice restaurant. One of the servers decided he needed to interact with my toddler DD. She did not want to give him a high 5. He then grabbed her hand to show her how to type on the ipad where they took orders. She didn't pull her hand away but I could see in her face that she didn't want to be doing this. I was mortified but didn't know how to react. DH also didn't say anything which I'm also annoyed with him about (afterwards).

She wasn't upset about it afterwards and when we left he tried to get a high 5 from her again which she did. But now I'm lying awake at 1am thinking how could I have failed to intervened on behalf of my child when I could've so easily done so?

Don't ever go to Bali, or indeed many South East Asian countries. The waiters there whipped our 18 month old out of the High chair and took her on a tour of the kitchen to show her off while we ate.

Bit disconcerting the first time, but the intentions were good and she's now a strapping friendly confident 14 year old 🤷‍♂️

If you'd stopped him you would've reinforced her fear of people.
You need to work on building her confidence, encourage interactions with others and take her to toddler groups or invite people over more often for her to develop her social skills.

From the title, I was expecting this to be about some creepy bloke trying to hold hands with your teenage DD. Now that would have been cause for concern, unlike what the thread is actually about. It was a non-event.

No offence but I think that's bad advice. You are basically telling a child on the cusp of already being anxious, that the situation was more serious/scary than it actually was. You're not teaching them to advocate for their own emotions, you're speaking for them and enforcing a shy personality on them.

Good Lord, if you are musing over this either you have got a severe case of anxiety or absolutely nothing else going in in your world, as @theleafandnotthetree also says. Yabvvu

Really? It's not like OP was being OTT here? She literally stated she felt shit she didn't say something regarding a stranger pulling her toddlers hand around...

Yes, some friendly bloke in a restaurant. No, some weirdo in a local park? What makes it ok? Why do adult men feel an inclination to touch children they don't know anyway?

I can't really think of an incident where I've grabbed a random child's hand in real life. Do you? Aww... It's sooo cute! Look at that man nobody knows, interacting with your child 😊

Fun in a restaurant, much less fun if they're entering the women's toilets somewhere. 🙄

Why do kids need to be touched by random strangers and then told "yes, it's okay"?

As it’s the first time something like this has happened, it’s a great time to start working with your DD &DH on boundary setting - that’s why you’re awake fretting about it - because you’ve identified it was uncomfortable, which is a great first step!
Concentrate less on the audacity of the waiter, and talk with your family about what is acceptable behaviour from strangers (and family) and what isn’t.
Then work out some stock responses to different situations and practice these with your family, along with things like what to do if DD gets seared from you while out, Etc.
It’s really good to have a standard response that the whole family is aware of and can practice, OP…

Why would you want to protect her from a member of staff interacting with her in a perfectly normal and pleasant way? He took her hand and let her play around with the iPad and showed her how to high 5. I’m failing to see what is wrong??

And why are you annoyed with your husband for reacting in the exact same way that you did??

in the nicest way possible, get a grip.

It’s social norms, you feel uncomfortable but don’t want to make a fuss. There’s also an awareness that this person is serving you it’s there job to be engaging and they deserve to be treated with respect.

Now it’s happened you are prepared, next time say something like “she can be shy with strangers, “ and move her away. It’s a good lesson for kids to learn they don’t have to accept things that make them uncomfortable

Model to her what you would want her to say for herself. Something like a polite “no thanks” and “I don’t like that” and moving her hand away is enough. Practice it in your head and practice it with her and it will come out naturally in the moment. You’ll gain more confidence in more serious scenarios and so will she.

And I wouldn’t use “she is shy” with others. The scenario you described sounds relatively benign but long term you don’t want her to feel that it is her personality which is the problem.

I have a SEN child who has delayed language and I find I have to advocate and model language for them a lot.

I think you will just confuse and scare your child OP, if you are so hard on this type of interaction. A waiter in full view of a restaurant and the parents, showing your kid the iPad is a non-event.

Context is what makes the difference between an ordinary, non-threatening interaction and an inappropriate one.

Learning how to judge that is part of being able to navigate the world.

Difficult one as culture plays a role here but the best thing you can do is teach her to say no to things she doesn’t want to do in relation to strangers and her boundaries. Before DD16 could articulate herself I would ask her if she wanted to do the thing she was being asked to do and if I didn’t get a nod or a yes then I would say “she’s shy, come here poppet” and scoop her up.

Looking for an issue that’s not there. You have a long and hard life in front of you if you feel this way of a situation that’s actually friendly. Good luck for your future years.

As an Englishman living in a southern european culture, i think adult men need to learn to keep their hands to themselves. Even when it's being genuinely friendly, it's entitled to assume the recipient is comfortable with it. Patting children, and teenagers on the bum is common place here, and everyone tells me its culturally normal. So why do the men look sheepish, and awkward when i suggest it's inappropriate?

I agree - we should wrap our little ones up in bubble wrap, hang a ‘do not touch’ sign round their necks then whisk them straight off to a psychiatrist the moment someone else inadvertently touches them.

Please don’t take your child to any Mediterranean country as if you dine in a small family run restaurant they will want to not only interact with your child but think nothing of taking them for a walk around the restaurant while you eat.

And then people complain that this is such a child unfriendly country. You and your husband were right there. No harm was going to come to her. Get a grip.

…and this is why I never look in the direction of any children! I’m sure I’ll find myself on here as ‘this weird old lady smiled at my child, should I ‘log it’ with 101?’ Honestly, if I saw them falling off a cliff, I’d look the other way in case I’d be reported for trying to save their life!

Why are you angry with DH?
I think you are over thinking this. The waiter was trying to be nice. She maybe didn't want to but she did it and wasn't traumatised by it. You and DH remained polite. It would have been difficult to say something to the waiter without being rude.

I think this suggestion is perfect.
I said hello to a child in the queue at a supermarket a while back, he scowled at me, his mother said he’s not great with strangers. I fully understood and said that’s a good way to be.

I was just about to say the same thing!

A joke, I know, but my friend got caught up in a similar situation. She was walking close behind a woman who was holding her small child by the hand and at the same time, pushing a buggy. The child suddenly broke free and ran straight out into the road. My friend lunged after her, grabbed her, and just managed to pull her back out of the path of a car. In the process, they both fell over, and the child sustained a greenstick fracture of the collarbone. Not pleasant but far preferable to being killed.
We were astounded when the child’s mother sued my friend!

You are being utterly ridiculous OP. Yes teach your child that no one should be touching her in her pants. But also teach her that Italian waiters trying to entertain her are not to be feared. We are going to become more and more isolated by fear as a society, this fear of abuse around every corner is being taken too far, and no we don’t need to fear touch to the extent it is isolating us from normal interactions. It’s not good for any of us including your daughter. She may have felt wary initially but as she realised that he meant no harm and you gave her signals to say it’s safe she’d have started to enjoy the interaction. I think people wanting to engage like this with children needs to be admired and cherished, not feared.