Birthday meal invitation

Nonsense10 · 2025-04-12T20:06:17+00:00

We have all been invited to a birthday meal out. Usually I would always make an effort despite the lack of effort of inclusion at other times from my OH's family. However, it is at a restaurant that only sells one type of food which none of us like so declined going. Just stated we had plans already (invitation was short notice too). The restaurant also has very poor reviews. OH has been receiving messages from his parents and siblings that we should be changing our plans. Are we being unreasonable not to attend? The place charges per person at the table so we couldn't even just go for a drink.

nomas · 12/04/2025 21:11

YANBU. If I was OH I would be asking them
why they’re so insistent about you both attending with such short notice given you’re not usually included in things.

Could it be that they have to get bums on seats because they have a voucher or something?

Original poster

Nonsense10 · 12/04/2025 21:18

Not sure, there's plenty of people invited. No idea how many people have said they'll attend either.

I have taken a huge step back in terms of the family as whenever I went up and siblings were there, comments were always made about how our children didn't know them. 🙃

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KeyToTheCity · 12/04/2025 21:53

This sounds a bit uptight IMO (from your end). Sounds like you had already made your mind up that you and your husband were not to attend, and so justified it by (IMO) poor excuses. Feel free not to attend, I'm sure they'll have a nice time without either of you there regardless.

CarpetKnees · 12/04/2025 22:05

YANBU not to go, but, if the reason is it is at a place where you don't like the food, then I'd state that, not pretend I was doing something else.

"Not for us thanks, we don't like sushi / curry / vegan food".

takealettermsjones · 12/04/2025 22:05

I'd just tell them the real reason. "Sorry, it's a bit late notice and none of us like sushi so it's not going to work for us unfortunately. Have a great birthday, when can I drop the card off?" etc

Original poster

Nonsense10 · 12/04/2025 22:12

KeyToTheCity · 12/04/2025 21:53

This sounds a bit uptight IMO (from your end). Sounds like you had already made your mind up that you and your husband were not to attend, and so justified it by (IMO) poor excuses. Feel free not to attend, I'm sure they'll have a nice time without either of you there regardless.

We do already have plans. We had plans before the invitation.

Not liking the food wouldn't be a good enough reason for them either. Why would we sit and pay for food we aren't going to eat? We also have children who wouldn't eat the type of food.

I hope they do have a good time, just like every other time they all get together but don't invite any of us along.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nonsense10 · 12/04/2025 22:12

takealettermsjones · 12/04/2025 22:05

I'd just tell them the real reason. "Sorry, it's a bit late notice and none of us like sushi so it's not going to work for us unfortunately. Have a great birthday, when can I drop the card off?" etc

I always make sure a card and gift is delivered the day before or on the actual day 😊

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pictoosh · 12/04/2025 22:17

Objectively you're not being unreasonable to decline an invite to eat out at a place where you don't like the food.
On the other hand, your tone reads as being combative and stubborn.
So I don't know.

KeyToTheCity · 12/04/2025 22:18

Nonsense10 · 12/04/2025 22:12

We do already have plans. We had plans before the invitation.

Not liking the food wouldn't be a good enough reason for them either. Why would we sit and pay for food we aren't going to eat? We also have children who wouldn't eat the type of food.

I hope they do have a good time, just like every other time they all get together but don't invite any of us along.

Show quote history

Sounds like martyr/attention seeking behaviour to me. In my humble opinion.

NoSoupForU · 12/04/2025 22:22

I understand not wanting to go to a restaurant that only serves food you won't like. My husband doesn't eat any fish or seafood so would decline an invitation to a seafood restaurant but would be honest rather than making up an excuse.

savethatkitty · 12/04/2025 22:22

It's an invitation not a summons. Stick to your guns. If you don't want to attend because it's your cats wedding day, then don't. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

Original poster

Nonsense10 · 12/04/2025 22:25

KeyToTheCity · 12/04/2025 22:18

Sounds like martyr/attention seeking behaviour to me. In my humble opinion.

Show quote history

Please do explain further. I don't understand how having plans already prior to an invitation and not liking the food is martyr/attention seeking behaviour?

I've always made an effort. Every single time. No matter how hurtful it has been to be left out of other things.

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Original poster

Nonsense10 · 12/04/2025 22:26

NoSoupForU · 12/04/2025 22:22

I understand not wanting to go to a restaurant that only serves food you won't like. My husband doesn't eat any fish or seafood so would decline an invitation to a seafood restaurant but would be honest rather than making up an excuse.

No excuse made up. We have plans that were made before the invitation. We also don't like the only style of food that is served at the restaurant however we would have to pay if we didn't eat.

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Original poster

Nonsense10 · 12/04/2025 22:31

pictoosh · 12/04/2025 22:17

Objectively you're not being unreasonable to decline an invite to eat out at a place where you don't like the food.
On the other hand, your tone reads as being combative and stubborn.
So I don't know.

The very last thing I want is an argument with them. I have tried to repeatedly to be part of the family, however we have repeatedly been missed out of things. This is the first time I've declined our attendance. We still have to pay the full price even if we didn't eat anything.

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JoyousEagle · 12/04/2025 22:33

Nonsense10 · 12/04/2025 22:12

We do already have plans. We had plans before the invitation.

Not liking the food wouldn't be a good enough reason for them either. Why would we sit and pay for food we aren't going to eat? We also have children who wouldn't eat the type of food.

I hope they do have a good time, just like every other time they all get together but don't invite any of us along.

Show quote history

So not liking the food isn’t the reason you’re not going? The way you said you didn’t like the food “so declined going” made it sound like that was the reason and the pre existing plans were a made up excuse,

Obviously if you already have plans you aren’t unreasonable to not go.

HeddaGarbled · 12/04/2025 22:34

What does your H want to do? It’s his family.

Shaniva · 12/04/2025 22:34

There is a lot of detail about the food in your OP given your update that it's all about the fact you have a prior engagement.

Meh. I do think it would be rude to hypothetically decline a birthday invitation because of the choice of cuisine, but this is obviously hypothetical and completely irrelevant to the question in hand.

Get your story straight and stick to it.

TheThreeMiracles · 12/04/2025 22:37

I wouldn’t go either ! My partners family have several times picked restaurants I can’t eat in and I went and sat ate nothing and kept being offered food by his mum knowing I don’t eat it ! I’m vegan ( vegetarian by choice but allergic to dairy ) and they booked a sea food restaurant about an hour away from us ! They now wonder why we decline any invite to eat out! I don’t blame you at all!!

CandyCane457 · 12/04/2025 22:39

What restaurant charges you just for turning up and sitting at the table?

But that aside, if you genuinely do already have plans I don’t know why the whole we don’t like the cuisine/couldn’t even go for a drink as they charge just for attendance is an issue.

If you have plans, you have plans. End of.

How exactly are they wording their messages where they said they think you should change your plans? That’s weird of them. Never in my
life have I been so bold as to ask someone to change their plans. Don’t get into the nitty gritty of not liking the cuisine, just respond and firmly say you have plans with other people and it would be terribly rude to let them down. Or that you’ve prepaid for an event and won’t be changing your plans for their last minute invitation.

CarpetKnees · 12/04/2025 22:42

however we have repeatedly been missed out of things. This is the first time I've declined our attendance

So you normally go, but you normally aren't invited ?

Ener · 12/04/2025 22:43

Why lie? You should have told the truth that you don’t like the food.

MiddleClassProblem · 12/04/2025 22:44

“But that aside, if you genuinely do already have plans I don’t know why the whole we don’t like the cuisine/couldn’t even go for a drink as they charge just for attendance is an issue.
If you have plans, you have plans. End of.”

All of this that @CandyCane457 said.

Original poster

Nonsense10 · 12/04/2025 22:52

CarpetKnees · 12/04/2025 22:42

however we have repeatedly been missed out of things. This is the first time I've declined our attendance

So you normally go, but you normally aren't invited ?

When we do get invited, I make the effort to go

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RareGoalsVerge · 12/04/2025 22:57

CandyCane457 · 12/04/2025 22:39

What restaurant charges you just for turning up and sitting at the table?

But that aside, if you genuinely do already have plans I don’t know why the whole we don’t like the cuisine/couldn’t even go for a drink as they charge just for attendance is an issue.

If you have plans, you have plans. End of.

How exactly are they wording their messages where they said they think you should change your plans? That’s weird of them. Never in my
life have I been so bold as to ask someone to change their plans. Don’t get into the nitty gritty of not liking the cuisine, just respond and firmly say you have plans with other people and it would be terribly rude to let them down. Or that you’ve prepaid for an event and won’t be changing your plans for their last minute invitation.

I know restaurants that do this - they tend to have a one-size-fits-all price per head and if you just nibble a bread roll to be polite you still pay the same £40 you'd pay if you stuff yourself.

I think it's fine not to go @Nonsense10 . They're happy to leave you out of family activities when it suits them but still expect you to drop everything and show up when it's something you'd have to go dutch for. No ta.

I bet the things they leave you out of are when one of them is hosting and they don't want extra mouths to feed, so you're only welcome when you aren't inconvenient to them.

JoyousEagle · 12/04/2025 22:58

What restaurant charges you just for turning up and sitting at the table?

Maybe it’s a buffet place, and it’s just charged per person to stop people saying they won’t eat but then eating anyway.