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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday meal invitation

92 replies

Nonsense10 · 12/04/2025 21:06

We have all been invited to a birthday meal out. Usually I would always make an effort despite the lack of effort of inclusion at other times from my OH's family.

However, it is at a restaurant that only sells one type of food which none of us like so declined going. Just stated we had plans already (invitation was short notice too). The restaurant also has very poor reviews.

OH has been receiving messages from his parents and siblings that we should be changing our plans.

Are we being unreasonable not to attend? The place charges per person at the table so we couldn't even just go for a drink.

OP posts:
IPM · 12/04/2025 23:01

It's sounding a bit like it's all about you when they're actually your partner's family?

If he doesn't want to go because he doesn't like the food then that's fine.

Although it's very unusual for any restaurant not to have something different for those who get invited but aren't keen on the cuisine, even if it's just an omelette.

But as I say, if he doesn't want to go to his family's meal he's entitled to decline.

IPM · 12/04/2025 23:03

Nonsense10 · 12/04/2025 22:31

The very last thing I want is an argument with them. I have tried to repeatedly to be part of the family, however we have repeatedly been missed out of things. This is the first time I've declined our attendance. We still have to pay the full price even if we didn't eat anything.

Show quote history

Sorry, what do you mean I've declined our attendance??

Why are you involved in his family to this level?

Original poster
Nonsense10 · 12/04/2025 23:10

Okay. Perhaps posting on here was the wrong thing to do.

We do have plans that we could change (they don't know this) however as we also don't like the food - it is just one type of food, no other varied options, we said we had plans already.

It's an all you can eat place. Every seat sat on is charged at the set price regardless of whether food is eaten or not.

We are left out of a substantial amount; meals out, get togethers, BBQs, holidays. Only invited when it's birthdays. When we do get invited, I make the effort to attend even though I know we are barely spoken to. I had tried for a long time to be "part of the family", had get togethers at our house, tried to organise meet ups.

But I guess not attending on this one occasion makes us the bad ones

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonsense10 · 12/04/2025 23:12

IPM · 12/04/2025 23:01

It's sounding a bit like it's all about you when they're actually your partner's family?

If he doesn't want to go because he doesn't like the food then that's fine.

Although it's very unusual for any restaurant not to have something different for those who get invited but aren't keen on the cuisine, even if it's just an omelette.

But as I say, if he doesn't want to go to his family's meal he's entitled to decline.

He wouldn't have gone anyway. Our children are their family too. We've been together 20 years, married for almost as long.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonsense10 · 12/04/2025 23:16

IPM · 12/04/2025 23:03

Sorry, what do you mean I've declined our attendance??

Why are you involved in his family to this level?

Show quote history

They messaged me, not my OH to invite us. Are in-laws not classed as family anymore? I said we weren't able to come as we already had plans. We've been married 18 years, am I wrong to think we are all meant to be family?

OP posts:
Cynic17 · 12/04/2025 23:26

Any adult who thinks it's necessary for squads of people to turn up for their "birthday meal" is a bit odd, in my view. It's only on Mumsnet that I have ever heard of someone doing this anyway - none of my friends go in for the "birthday meal" thing.

Just don't go, OP - and don't make excuses either. Simply say "Thank you for the invitation, but we won't be joining you on this occasion. We hope you have a lovely evening". And send a birthday card in the post. Job done.

KeyToTheCity · 12/04/2025 23:27

@Nonsense10
Okay. Perhaps posting on here was the wrong thing to do.

AKA I didn't get the responses I thought I'd get😂

Original poster
Nonsense10 · 12/04/2025 23:33

KeyToTheCity · 12/04/2025 23:27

@Nonsense10
Okay. Perhaps posting on here was the wrong thing to do.

AKA I didn't get the responses I thought I'd get😂

Not at all.

As I've said before, we have plans. Yes we could change them, but we don't want to because don't like the food. We would have to sit there, still pay for the privilege with people who only invite us to birthday meals.

"😂"

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 12/04/2025 23:34

If you don’t want to go then do go, we all have choices in life.

personally we haven’t gone to every family meal out , holiday , weekend away etc with family. We have declined due to many things, such as, we don’t like the place, don’t get on with everyone etc

nomas · 13/04/2025 01:02

Why on earth are you personally ensuring a card and present are dropped off personally time for her birthday each year? Does she do the same for you?

Maddy70 · 13/04/2025 01:15

I'm very sure their is something you can eat from there. You're being pretentious

Maddy70 · 13/04/2025 01:23

So if it's sushi... Not everything is raw fish lol. Lots of sushi had cooked meat etc yabu. Equally sushi places also have b
Noodle dishes etc.

You are being weird

BakelikeBertha · 13/04/2025 02:00

If you make plans to do something, it is the height of rudeness to cancel, just because you get a better offer. So if they continue to nag you to change your plans OP, I would ask them how they'd feel if you did this to them.

RawBloomers · 13/04/2025 02:46

OP, if you want to make the best of AIBU you need to just totally ignore the (far too many) posters who display [oor reading comprehension, the ones who seem to deliberately misconstrue what you've said, and the ones of notpick at at a detail that has almost no relevance to the question you're asking.

Note even the posters who can't read or are more interested in trying to have a pop at you for some sin like responding to your in-laws aren't saying you should go. They're just telling you you should say no in a way that suits some unwritten code they've made up.

YANBU to not attend. Enjoy your plans and try not to give them headspace.

RawBloomers · 13/04/2025 02:54

Maddy70 · 13/04/2025 01:23

So if it's sushi... Not everything is raw fish lol. Lots of sushi had cooked meat etc yabu. Equally sushi places also have b
Noodle dishes etc.

You are being weird

Your assumption that it's sushi is what's weird on this thread, not OP's desire not to go somewhere she doesn't think she'll like the food.

crockofshite · 13/04/2025 03:10

RawBloomers · 13/04/2025 02:46

OP, if you want to make the best of AIBU you need to just totally ignore the (far too many) posters who display [oor reading comprehension, the ones who seem to deliberately misconstrue what you've said, and the ones of notpick at at a detail that has almost no relevance to the question you're asking.

Note even the posters who can't read or are more interested in trying to have a pop at you for some sin like responding to your in-laws aren't saying you should go. They're just telling you you should say no in a way that suits some unwritten code they've made up.

YANBU to not attend. Enjoy your plans and try not to give them headspace.

Ditto.

I don't blame you for declining. Sounds like an expensive no-fun outing.
I wonder why they're so keen for you to change plans?

Selttan · 13/04/2025 03:18

I don’t get everyone arguing with you to go - it’s an invitation not a summons, even if you didn’t have plans or loved the food you still don’t have to go.

Id be curious after leaving you out of other events why this one is suddenly so important?

Kiwi83 · 13/04/2025 03:20

You're not being unreasonable OP but I'd let DH handle it and step back. My in laws are just like this 💐we only get birthday invites so they get a gift, we're never invited to the other events or weekly family gatherings 🤷‍♀️

CurlewKate · 13/04/2025 04:31

I want to know what sort of food it is! I can’t imagine a restaurant that serves absolutely nothing you might like….,

BlondiePortz · 13/04/2025 04:32

Nonsense10 · 12/04/2025 22:12

We do already have plans. We had plans before the invitation.

Not liking the food wouldn't be a good enough reason for them either. Why would we sit and pay for food we aren't going to eat? We also have children who wouldn't eat the type of food.

I hope they do have a good time, just like every other time they all get together but don't invite any of us along.

Show quote history

We have plans or you do?

What does he actually want to do?

EvenleyWitch · 13/04/2025 04:33

What type restaurant?

thepariscrimefiles · 13/04/2025 07:35

KeyToTheCity · 12/04/2025 22:18

Sounds like martyr/attention seeking behaviour to me. In my humble opinion.

Show quote history

How on earth is not attending a meal out attention seeking? Being a martyr would be attending something that you wouldn't enjoy and making a big thing about it.

OP has just politely declined as she has a prior engagement.

thepariscrimefiles · 13/04/2025 07:46

IPM · 12/04/2025 23:03

Sorry, what do you mean I've declined our attendance??

Why are you involved in his family to this level?

Show quote history

Why are you being so combative? You are picking on and questioning absolutely everything OP has said. She's turned down an invitation from in-laws that normally leave them out of social occasions, because she has a prior engagement and she and her DH don't like the food. You sound like you have a personal grudge against the OP.

needmorecoffee7 · 13/04/2025 08:03

You sound like a fussy child. I can’t imagine as an adult there being a type of food that I wouldn’t eat, unless it’s a dietary issue. Also strange that both you and your husband dislike exactly the same type of cuisine, more likely that your speaking on his behalf.

KebabCancelled · 13/04/2025 08:12

You already had plans

You don’t like this type of food

of course you are not unreasonable to decline the invitation.

you politely explain that you can’t make it due to a previous engagement and also that you are not keen on this type of food - you post a card / drop one in etc and then just don’t engage with any further comments about attending this.

hold your boundaries - don’t over apologise or overthink it. They invited you - you have declined. End of matter.