To not reply/congratulate friend?

[AllThaJazzz]

University friend of 15 years.

I tried to keep in touch but basically, the friendship fizzled, as happens! No hard feelings.

She is very annoyed/upset that I haven't said congratulations that she has recently had a baby.

Now, she didn't reply when my mother died, when I moved or when I got married.

AIBU to not go out my way to say congrats when she hasn't given me the time of day for years?!

I never understand why posters keep the contact details of people who aren't even acquaintances.

Id absolutely reply with the truth, stay above her with the line I wish you well.

I don’t agree.

I’d lean towards being more honest and saying something along the lines of her not acknowledging major events in your life so had assumed the friendship had come to an end.
I wouldn’t offer a congratulations lf people can’t be there for you (good and bad) they are not friends.

if she’s confronted you I’d be tempted to reply “just giving you the same level of congratulations as the condolences you gave me when dm died”

but then I’m a cow and don’t mind going nuclear 🤣

Now, she didn't reply when my mother died, when I moved or when I got married.

Ignore her, she is not a friend, the complete lack of self awareness and entitlement is astounding

Good response

Oh please OP reply back with something.
‘huh? Why would I think to do that? You didn’t reply when my mother died nor when I got married so I presumed we were no longer friends. I mean if you didn’t speak to me in my darkest days why would you possibly think I would be in the slightest interested in you having a child? Why in God’s name are you getting all needy now?’

How do you know she is annoyed/ upset?

I see where you're coming from and I would probably have just responded congrats but I also see @AllThaJazzz view, they are not friends anymore.

OP sent her a wedding invite and she didn't even bother to respond or RSVP, OP lost her parents and she sent her details and same so frankly there is no friendship anymore so there is no need for OP to play pretend or be nice.

If I were OP I would be honest and tell that she wasn't there for you so it's rich of her to expect support/interest from you now. In your mind you're no longer friends.

Be honest and dignified. Say you are surprised to hear from her as you were very disappointed that she ignored your DMs death and your wedding. Then finish with wishing you all the best with motherhood. Maybe she wont hurt others if you tell her that behaviour to you was hurtful.

How do you know she’s mad or bothered ?

She is not your friend. You should tell her that.

How do you know all of this OP?

This is easy to resolve, just leave the group chat she’s in or block her if she’s messaging you directly.

Sounds like she has a selective memory.

I'm another asking how you know she is upset? Has she said something directly to you? In which case respond directly as a PP has said: I never heard back from you about my wedding or death of my mother, so I had assumed our friendship had cooled or was over?

If she has done something indirectly then you need a different approach.

How did she get in touch with you? Text ? In person ? Via third person ?

how did you let her know your mum died ?

is it possible you may have a communication error or is her outburst final straw ?

“I care as much about your new baby as you did when my mother died”

Love this reply,but if it were me I wouldn't add the 'congratulations I guess.'
Mine would finish after the word 'same'.I really don't have time for false people like this 🤬.

Imho the best response is no response. How dare she!

Or a very long passive aggressive reply:

How lovely to hear from you again after all this time!

You won't have heard that sadly I lost my DM (add details)

I was so sorry you weren't able to attend my wedding in [year], blah blah blah - lots of detail about how lovely your wedding was, and attach or link to pictures

Congratulations on the birth of your baby!

You're not friends anymore
Cut each other loose.

How do you know she's upset? But I wouldn't respond, no.

I'd reply:

"No worries; congratulations!

Can I just check I've got this right?

-Get married - totally ignore (do not send card/gift, do not send congratulations)
-Death of a parent - totally ignore (do not send card, do not send condolences)
-New home - TBC
-Diagnosis of serious illness/serious injury - TBC
-New baby - acknowledge and send congratulations message.

Get back to me when you've given it some thought (or don't - we haven't got a protocol on replies to "congratulations" messages yet, have we?)"

FWIW I think not getting in touch when your DM died is unforgiveable, I'm sorry for your loss @AllThaJazzz.

Op send a thumbs up emoji then nothing else. job done and forget about this acquaintance.