To not want to live with DP

[houseofroses1]

I'm prepared to be flamed for this.

I have one teen DC, they're at their Dad's every other weekend and some of the school hols.

DP has two teen DC. He used to have them 50/50 but over the last few years it has increased, so he now has one of them Monday-Thursday, and the other one Friday-Sunday. Sometimes both at the same time. He has them both 100% of the school hols.

I always thought we'd probably live together eventually. DP has recently suggested that we start to think about how it might work.

The problem is that since he has had his DC 100% of the time, I just don't want to live with him. I do really like his DC, that isn't the issue. For me, it just doesn't seem appealing to go from having every other weekend, the odd weeknight and some school hols child free, to never ever being child free, especially when part of the time it would be just me and them at home, not DP (he'd be at work).

Am I unreasonable to feel this way? No matter how I phrase it to DP I know he's going to take it as me not liking his kids, which just isn't true. I feel horribly guilty for feeling like this!

That is completely reasonable and I don’t want to live with my partner either for similar reasons.
You can just say you don’t think blending families is the best thing for the children so can you re visit living together in a few years.

Obviously he wants you there if it would make his life easier plus I’m sure he would like your company but it isn’t in your best interests so don’t do it.

I don't live with my partner of 20 years and there are NO kids involved! We stay together a lot but we each have our own house to retreat to. It is bliss I can tell you to have my own space and do what I want when I want. Similar for his nibs. Keep your independence, your gut is telling you what to do.

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Fuck no way. So him moving in would result in you parenting two other people’s children full -time???? Eh no thank you.

Definitely don’t move in together.

You know you need your downtime, your time without kids. That’s perfectly reasonable.

Just say “I really value my alone time, and I don’t really thinking blending families is good for anyway. Let’s revisit the idea of moving in together when the kids are grown up.”

That's completely understandable. I wouldn't want to either!

Best be honest and say it would work better living separately until his kids are older. You can like his kids without wanting the responsibility of parenting them.

I would do exactly the same in your situation, for all the reasons you've given. Do you think it will be a relationship ender for him?

I think telling him you want to give him the space to have the relationship he needs to have with his children while they’re growing up is FINE.

If I were you, I wouldn’t want to move in either.

Yeah and if he’s offended it’s because he knows it’s a really good deal for him for this to go ahead. Someone else to parent his kids!

No flaming from me. Sounds perfectly sensible. If they're all teens then it's not too long until you can move in together anyway.

Noooo why would you possibly want to live with someone else’s children full time when let’s face it as “step mum” you’d being doing all the grunt work.

Sorry, DP, I like my child-free time which I work hard for. I move forward in time, not backwards as you will you one day.

My MIL has been in a relationship with her partner of nearly 40 years and they’ve never lived together. Even when my husband moved out in his late teens she was happy with her own space.

They go on holiday together and have joined us on holidays .Christmas etc they spend together. My husband has always got on well with him. They both happy with their own space to go back to!

Just tell him you're happy as you are for now.

Best be honest and say it would work better living separately until his kids are older.You can like his kids without wanting the responsibility of parenting them

Absolutely this!

Tell him that most teens are happier not having to suddenly live together as step siblings, that it's best you all remain as you are until they've all moved on (or never).

So now that he has them full time, it suddenly seems like a great idea that you move in (to be an unpaid nanny)? Not a chance!

@LockdownLisaI genuinely don’t know if it would be

It's a 'no' from me.
Don't combine your houses/families.

Your DT would always be with a SSib or with both. You personally would never have child-free time.

Also, don't give up your own property, however you hold it, to combine with his. If you're on MN you'll know why. If not, read a few threads.

As I read it, you have your DT pretty much full time with the alternate weekend off and he has his DTs full time, in succession and in combination, plus in the holidays. It sounds like he never has child-free time which means that if you lived with him, you'd always have at least one of his DTs to consider. I realise many of them are v. independent but they still have to be considered.

Agree YANBU. It’s not just never being child free any longer for any periods but the amount of housework, grocery shopping, meal preparation etc. that would increase also and if I’ve learnt anything as a single person from MN it’s that the automatic assumption is this is woman’s work and not to step up could derail the entire relationship!

No matter how I phrase it to DP I know he's going to take it as me not liking his kids

Well that would be completely unreasonable and should make you doubt his motives.

You wanting to keep childfree time in your week is very reasonable.

Is he often one for taking things personally and being unnecessarily defensive?

Reading the other thread where the OP is stuck with her step-kids all day whilst her DH leaves the house, I’d say you are 100% right.

Read some of the threads on the step parenting board OP, you won’t think twice about your decision not to move in together.

There are many posts from women who deeply regret it, once you move in together it’s not that easy to change your mind and get them to leave either!

I think you are being sensible keeping your own space, I bet you’d regret it quickly.

There is lots of incentive for your DP to move in together but I think it’d be a negative decision for you. If things are working as they are then what’s the point in changing it and taking a huge risk?

There would be a huge increase in everything from costs to housework and a lack of alone time. To go from a family of 2 in a home to 5 makes a huge difference. There is no peace. How likely is it you would be doing more of the work here?

Three teens blending? 😂Your kid would have two other teens in their face and in their space all the time.

No, I would not even consider it. Possibly when all the kids are out on their own and on stable situations.

If he takes a no as you not liking his kids, he'd be unreasonable. You can like his kids but want to keep your lifestyle of not having teens in your home 24/7. Just tell him you like your lifestyle as it is.

You would be out of your mind to move in with him.
Nothing in a move for you or your children just stress, work, womens work that you would inevitably get caught for.

Tell him that your time with your children is limited and precious and its best if you remain separate.

No doubt he'd love a woman to share his load.
Let him off.

YANBU

I would not agree to this arrangement as it could cause all kinds of problems.

Tell him you are very happy with the relationship as it is, it works for you. If he finishes with you, you know for sure he just wanted an unpaid nanny.

I think a lot more families are thinking like you, often for the children's sake. I would argue you're not being selfish at all, you are probably arguing for what 4/5 of your collective families would prefer. No need to apologise for that or defend it.