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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to live with DP

83 replies

houseofroses1 · 11/04/2025 18:46

I'm prepared to be flamed for this.

I have one teen DC, they're at their Dad's every other weekend and some of the school hols.

DP has two teen DC. He used to have them 50/50 but over the last few years it has increased, so he now has one of them Monday-Thursday, and the other one Friday-Sunday. Sometimes both at the same time. He has them both 100% of the school hols.

I always thought we'd probably live together eventually. DP has recently suggested that we start to think about how it might work.

The problem is that since he has had his DC 100% of the time, I just don't want to live with him. I do really like his DC, that isn't the issue. For me, it just doesn't seem appealing to go from having every other weekend, the odd weeknight and some school hols child free, to never ever being child free, especially when part of the time it would be just me and them at home, not DP (he'd be at work).

Am I unreasonable to feel this way? No matter how I phrase it to DP I know he's going to take it as me not liking his kids, which just isn't true. I feel horribly guilty for feeling like this!

OP posts:
DepressingMumLife234 · 12/04/2025 03:23

No fucking way. Just no. Don't do it OP.

VaddaABeetch · 12/04/2025 03:39

Why would you ‘think of ways to make it work? What’s in it for your son, what’s in it for you?

Ypur arrangements suit you just fine at the moment, why change

Why did you think you’d be flamed? It’s not compulsory to live with a man

Zanatdy · 12/04/2025 06:15

Personally no, I wouldn’t move in with him. I wouldn’t want to add 2 teens to the mix. It is a bit odd why he has them separately, but perhaps they enjoy some 1-1 time. I’d just say that you’re not ready to blend families and enjoy the time you have for yourself. If he gets offended, so be it.

Passmetheaero · 12/04/2025 06:19

Blanca87 · 11/04/2025 19:23

Fuck no way. So him moving in would result in you parenting two other people’s children full -time???? Eh no thank you.

I was going to try and write a diplomatic response but this nails it!

fuck that shit. Why does he have them 100% of school holidays?

SALaw · 12/04/2025 06:55

Just say blending the households with teenagers has the potential to cause issues and so let’s wait until they are older? It will only be a few years.

MellowPinkDeer · 12/04/2025 07:43

There not a chance I’d move in with him. Also this set up is shitty, why doesn’t he ever want time alone? Weird. The only ‘joy’ of divorce and sharing kids is the free time you get!

Original poster
houseofroses1 · 12/04/2025 08:06

@Passmetheaero He’s always had them 100% of the holidays, ever since when they were little. Their mum doesn’t seem too bothered about not seeing them for 6 weeks during the summer, but that’s a whole other thread!

OP posts:
Original poster
houseofroses1 · 12/04/2025 08:07

@MellowPinkDeer I’ve actually brought this up a few times as the fact he has one of them 100% of the time also means that me and him never get alone time. When I’m child free every other weekend, he isn’t. He doesn’t seem to mind this. We can do things like dinner, cinema, evenings out etc, but we’re never really able to have a weekend away etc.

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 12/04/2025 08:34

I’d word it as now your dc is grown up and you have free time you don’t see the need or what for more responsibility .
It’s like having more kids would I you want those?
You can like people and you can like other peoples animals it doesn’t mean you want to live with them or care for them .

He will know fine well the only person benefiting from living together is him.

Ive down the step parenting and was damn good at it .I would never do it again though .

Original poster
houseofroses1 · 12/04/2025 08:35

Just a point, his DC are both teens and wouldn’t require ‘looking after’ whilst DP was at work. But yes, they would be here all the time.

OP posts:
MellowPinkDeer · 12/04/2025 08:37

houseofroses1 · 12/04/2025 08:07

@MellowPinkDeer I’ve actually brought this up a few times as the fact he has one of them 100% of the time also means that me and him never get alone time. When I’m child free every other weekend, he isn’t. He doesn’t seem to mind this. We can do things like dinner, cinema, evenings out etc, but we’re never really able to have a weekend away etc.

That would be a massive no to me. I also am not sure I would find much in common with someone that didn’t want. Life beyond kids

Imbusytodaysorry · 12/04/2025 08:39

houseofroses1 · 12/04/2025 08:35

Just a point, his DC are both teens and wouldn’t require ‘looking after’ whilst DP was at work. But yes, they would be here all the time.

It’s still a responsibility and how do you know that everything related to the kids won’t end up falling to you ?
shopping cooking cleaning ?
is he looking to have them both ALL the time maybe ?

camshaft · 12/04/2025 08:40

Definitely don’t do it. I moved in with my partner 4 years ago when we had 5 out of 14 nights childfree and it was lovely. Fast forward a year, his kids live with us full time and their mum is a piece of shit who says shell have them 1 night a fortnight but it rarely materialises… so I never have childfree time now, and we can never plan something for just us two unless we rope in the grandparents (but they do a lot during the week before and after school so don’t want to put on them even more!)

I really miss what we had. I’m not happy in this current set up and often resent the step children even though none of this is their fault. next weekend is Easter and I’m personally childfree Thurs-mon but obviously not childfree at all because the sc are still gunna be here!!!

jeaux90 · 12/04/2025 08:47

OP blending families needs to be really carefully considered. I’ve been with my partner over 5 years we still live separately. It’s only after 5 years of holidays together and a very specific point in both our DCs lives we are now buying a house together. My DD will be finishing GCSEs this summer, his DS is at the end of his second year at University and we can afford something expansive so they do not just have enough space, we can have space and there is enough social space for when they want to have friends. So do not rush into anything. Keep it as it is for now. You have kids of different sexes, be very very careful.

Original poster
houseofroses1 · 12/04/2025 08:53

@MellowPinkDeer I do find it really hard. I feel like I need to be so careful with what I say though as he’s a good dad having them all the time - if he never had them then that would also be a problem! I’d love to just be able to go away for a night or two spontaneously on a weekend.

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 12/04/2025 09:00

Going from 2 to 5 people at home is a huge leap. The bit I most loved raising my DS alone was that we could just go and do things without having to consider anyone else and it was cheaper. We would often go for dinner and the cinema because we didn't need to rush back. Or spend the whole day out rolling in late. Or day trips. Even quick little holidays.

The thought of having to factor in 3 others and all the extra work turns me cold. Before you know it you will be the default parent.

Lottapianos · 12/04/2025 09:04

'I feel like I need to be so careful with what I say though as he’s a good dad having them all the time'

That's not a good dad, that's just a dad.

You're being extremely sensible here and you're absolutely right to be thinking ahead about the impact on you and your kid. Moving in together would be madness

KarmenPQZ · 12/04/2025 09:11

I think as well saying that whilst you love / like his children a lot you’re worried about forming a ‘step-mum’ type relationship with them given he’s out of the house a lot and you’re in. I think it can be important to address the issue directly and matter of fact-ly

KarmenPQZ · 12/04/2025 09:12

‘Default parent’ as @user1471538283 said might be a better phrase

Olive567 · 12/04/2025 09:16

You said: "since he has had his DC 100% of the time, I just don't want to live with him."
I wouldn't even bother asking if this is unreasonable (it's not). You know what you feel and want - go with this. Yes, you have permission.

BigDahliaFan · 12/04/2025 09:19

Why should your kid live with other kids they don’t know? Blended families aren’t easy. Just say the current arrangement works best for you and your kid.

RoseMarigoldViolet · 12/04/2025 09:19

gamerchick · 11/04/2025 19:35

Just tell him you're happy as you are for now.

I like this answer!

user2848502016 · 12/04/2025 09:40

That’s understandable, I don’t think I’d be up for that either. It’s a lot of upheaval for your DC too. Why not plan to live together in 2-3 years when all the DC are older and maybe moved out or at least are adults and don’t need much parenting

Streaaa · 12/04/2025 09:43

You do realise that moving in with him would inevitably mean that you would never have any alone time and would have to explain that you wanted to go away for a few days?

All that extra shopping, laundry, tidying, housework?

Only someone batshit would consider doing this to their own children and themselves.

Disaster.

HopingForTheBest25 · 12/04/2025 09:46

I honestly can't see what you (or your own child) would be getting out of this tbh. You'd lose your own home, time alone with just your own child, time for yourself and you'd end up parenting children who aren't yours, and doing childcare while their dad goes to work! I bet your own child would suffer as a result.
I don't see this arrangement as beneficial to anyone - his kids might not even want this either!
Blending families is messy - I say keep your finances and home separate and protect your own and your child's home and lifestyle.

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