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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to live with DP

83 replies

houseofroses1 · 11/04/2025 18:46

I'm prepared to be flamed for this.

I have one teen DC, they're at their Dad's every other weekend and some of the school hols.

DP has two teen DC. He used to have them 50/50 but over the last few years it has increased, so he now has one of them Monday-Thursday, and the other one Friday-Sunday. Sometimes both at the same time. He has them both 100% of the school hols.

I always thought we'd probably live together eventually. DP has recently suggested that we start to think about how it might work.

The problem is that since he has had his DC 100% of the time, I just don't want to live with him. I do really like his DC, that isn't the issue. For me, it just doesn't seem appealing to go from having every other weekend, the odd weeknight and some school hols child free, to never ever being child free, especially when part of the time it would be just me and them at home, not DP (he'd be at work).

Am I unreasonable to feel this way? No matter how I phrase it to DP I know he's going to take it as me not liking his kids, which just isn't true. I feel horribly guilty for feeling like this!

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 11/04/2025 21:53

especially when part of the time it would be just me and them at home, not DP (he'd be at work).

He doesn't want to sort out or pay for child care then. And I bet he will expect you to feed and clean up after them even if he does it now (because he has to). If he thinks it's a dealbreaker if you don't blend then it's because he's looking for a nanny and not a partner and as MN says - you've dodged a bullet.

Don't blend. Ever.

DiaryofaProvincialLady · 11/04/2025 22:18

OT but so sad that his kids NEVER see each other - what a horrible set up.

Original poster
houseofroses1 · 11/04/2025 22:30

@DiaryofaProvincialLadyThey do stay over together sometimes but I do get what you’re saying - the set up is a bit odd (they’re from the same mum too).

OP posts:
pictoosh · 11/04/2025 22:31

You aren't being unreasonable in the slightest. I wouldn't want to live with someone else's kids full time, no matter who they are. Tbh though, I wouldn't want them part time either. I'd have no permanent live-in relationship until they were all independent. Really don't want to live with other people's children.

Hankunamatata · 11/04/2025 22:51

Yanbu. I love my teens but they can be hard work. Id keep your own space.

Lostcat · 11/04/2025 22:57

not only is it completely reasonable; but if you feel that way I think it’s really really important you don’t move in with him.

Namechanged4obviousreasons · 11/04/2025 22:58

Does he have a house big enough to give his kids their own rooms as well as your son? I’d be saying that your son is comfortable at home and you’re happy to just spend time together and stay over but for kids to have their own space. It wouldn’t be a lie as most children would rather have their own house and room. It’s ok you sharing with your partner because you’re in a relationship but kids lose the ability to just be themselves, to not feel that they have to be on their best behaviour. I would have hated to be put in a house with a load of other people that aren’t my family and in your son’s situation, I’d be spending as much time with dad as possible, to avoid it.

Notmyrealname22 · 11/04/2025 23:18

Why does he have his kids on opposite days? Do they not get along! Seems like a weird setup. If they are full siblings they are never spending any time together?

Anyway, that aside. “no, I don’t think it will be in everyone’s best interests to blend families”. How old are they? If they are teens, it’s only a few more years.

Silsatrip · 11/04/2025 23:23

How does your teen feel about it? For you, it would be living with your partner and his children.

For your teen, it would be living with his mum, his mum's partner and his mum's partner's children. Is it what is best for him? Or can it wait a few years until the teens have grown up

SaladSandwichesForTea · 11/04/2025 23:28

The kids are the priority and they are all happy.

I'd frame it around that.

Say this is their time for stability, our time will come when they move onto their next chapters.

Takenoprisoner · 11/04/2025 23:36

Hankunamatata · 11/04/2025 22:51

Yanbu. I love my teens but they can be hard work. Id keep your own space.

Exactly this. The only reason I can live with my teen dc is because I love them. I cannot imagine living with anyone else's dc. Keep your space. why on earth would you give it up for anyone?

Takenoprisoner · 11/04/2025 23:38

Also bear in mind young people are moving out of parental homes later and later... some in their 30s.. you have been warned

jimmyjammy001 · 11/04/2025 23:42

Unfortunately what you have described is a deal breaker for many, so many would of not even got into a relationship with someone who had children from the start, many wouldn't want to live in a house with other people's children full time as they know full well the hassle, problems, dramas it is likely to cause and you will have to put up with the kids when they annoy you, I guess you could wait til the kids are older and have moved out, depends how long you are willing to wait and if it's now a deal breaker for you moving in together.

lovemyfreedom · 11/04/2025 23:45

Ive lived on my own for years and i love it i could not have anyone in my zone my peace cave as i call it.

No flaming from me.
I couldnt imagine having a partner and other kids moving in god No.

Bananalanacake · 11/04/2025 23:47

Tell him you can talk about it again when his DC has moved out, and if that happens when the kid is 28 so be it. You are an independent woman, you do not want a man hanging around your personal space all the time.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/04/2025 23:53

Also a good point re your DS’s comfort and privacy. With this set up, he’d never be with you without a step-sibling being there, and this couldn’t be good for him.

Takenoprisoner · 12/04/2025 00:43

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/04/2025 23:53

Also a good point re your DS’s comfort and privacy. With this set up, he’d never be with you without a step-sibling being there, and this couldn’t be good for him.

Agree. This arrangement will not benefit you or your dc. Only dp and his dc. As with most blended families, they don't benefit the children. I don't think your dc would be happy with this decision. definitely say no. If the relationship ends, so be it.

uncomfortablydumb60 · 12/04/2025 01:20

YANBU. Stay as you are. Best of both worlds

nomas · 12/04/2025 01:42

You should be able to say to DP that you like being childfree every other weekend without him getting upset. I’d see it as a red flag if he did get upset.

coxesorangepippin · 12/04/2025 01:43

You'd be mad to move in with him

MaMaMaMaBaker · 12/04/2025 01:44

I wouldn't move in if I were you. I've done my time with children. I value my own space far too much these days.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 12/04/2025 02:04

I think you sound eminently sensible! No "flaming" from me!

saltinesandcoffeecups · 12/04/2025 02:16

I think you’re being very sensible. Totally get needing alone time. More than that it would be bringing 3 teens together. Nope, that has disaster written all over it.

I think you tell him that it’s not the right time and when the teens are at Uni or have moved out you guys can revisit the idea.

Tbrh · 12/04/2025 02:46

I think it's great you can acknowledge this. Better that then so many on here who live with their stepkids and hate them, no doubt creating a horrible environment for them and ruining their relationship with their birth parent

Eastertidings · 12/04/2025 03:12

houseofroses1 · 11/04/2025 22:30

@DiaryofaProvincialLadyThey do stay over together sometimes but I do get what you’re saying - the set up is a bit odd (they’re from the same mum too).

Even more reason not to do it. I suspect he doesn't want to parent more than one DC at a time. But you've got one too. So you'd have his when he's at work but he'd never have yours so you could get some alone time. I'll bet he suddenly starts taking alone time after he's moved in though, in the shed, bedroom, gym, hobby group or wherever.

Also I think "let's start thinking about how we can make it work" means he wants you to work it out. Or why wasn't he coming to you with any ideas? Because he wants you to offer to have them while he works that's why, he knows it's taking the piss to ask, so he's trying to dump the decision for it onto you.