To not want to live with DP

[houseofroses1]

I'm prepared to be flamed for this.

I have one teen DC, they're at their Dad's every other weekend and some of the school hols.

DP has two teen DC. He used to have them 50/50 but over the last few years it has increased, so he now has one of them Monday-Thursday, and the other one Friday-Sunday. Sometimes both at the same time. He has them both 100% of the school hols.

I always thought we'd probably live together eventually. DP has recently suggested that we start to think about how it might work.

The problem is that since he has had his DC 100% of the time, I just don't want to live with him. I do really like his DC, that isn't the issue. For me, it just doesn't seem appealing to go from having every other weekend, the odd weeknight and some school hols child free, to never ever being child free, especially when part of the time it would be just me and them at home, not DP (he'd be at work).

Am I unreasonable to feel this way? No matter how I phrase it to DP I know he's going to take it as me not liking his kids, which just isn't true. I feel horribly guilty for feeling like this!

I don't think anyone will argue with me when I say that typically, men benefit far more from a blended family set up than women do.
Nah.

That's not a good dad, that's just a dad

👍🏻

I think you can also point out that his kids probably don’t want you there either. Assuming they’re old enough to be home alone, they’re very unlikely to appreciate you suddenly being there all the time knowing what they’re doing. If it was me I’d phrase it that I wanted my own space, but I also very much wanted a good relationship with his children and suddenly invading their space where previously they had been given independence was likely to create resentment. You are definitely allowed to say you want your down time on his own, but I’d pre-empt any suggestions they you don’t like his kids by making it clear that this is best for them too.

There’s no way I’d agree to this! As others have said, just say you don’t think it’s a good time to blend the families right now but you can revisit it again at some point.

Imagine if all it took to be a good mother in people’s eyes was to be in the vicinity of one’s children 😂

The weekends away will come towards you. If he has two teens the oldest must be what, 15 at least? So it's not that long before they can be left overnight.

I think you need to resist this idea that you are being selfish. The current set up works for the kids as well as for you. Teenage years can be complicated and stressful - much easier for the kids not to have to cope with step parent and step siblings on top. Great that you have the financial resources to give them freedom from that. Especially with his teens who don't even choose to stay with each other so would be very unlikely to enjoy sharing space with a step.

YANBU
Only you can decide if you want to live with someone. Sounds like you'd be better with your own houses. You could have one ot two nights a week that you stay over at each other's.

Don't let him downplay the impact of living with teens/young adults! They do require a lot of energy, thought and care to raise/manage relationship with/feed - which will fall on you by virtue of living with them and inevitably there are hiccus along the way, not to mention managing a huge transition such as moving in together. Might even be easier with younger children in many respects as they are more adaptable.