To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

[Kanfuzed123]

Inspired by the childcare eating a £45k salary and the anti nursery sentiment from a few posters on there as being inferior for a child.

anyone else not feel in the slightest guilty that there kids are in nursery and have been post maternity leave?

yeah when they cried at drop off was rough and I called into the check out they were but that soon settled. They do lovely events for the parents and upload lots of amazing activities they do, they’ve made fantastic friends.

I could’ve reduced my hours but I didn’t, we could’ve maybe managed on one salary (glad we didn’t when rates shot up) but I went back FT when dc 1 was 15 months (used annual leave for part time before then) and dc2 was 13 months.

anyone else just not feel guilty? I like the lifestyle we can get when we’re working, especially since the 15 funded hrs and now 30, it’s so affordable. (Eldest is in school and youngest now has the 30 hrs) bill is less than £400 a month inc club etc. I like having something else to focus on too.

im not alone or am I?

But that's the point (or at least my point). It shouldn't be a privilege. I would love if we copied Sweden, where it's possible for everyone (dads or mums) to stay at home for the first 18 months.

If as a society we insist that nursery is absolutely fine full-time for young babies, then we'll continue sending them to nursery. If as a society we agree that sending young babies to nursery full-time isn't the ideal (though many of us have done so or were sent ourselves), then we can push for accessible alternatives.

I'm from ex-USSR country and nurseries have been in use for 100 years, as women were supposed to work. Both my parents and I went to the nursery young and have good mental health and relationship with parents. The length of maternity leave increased from few months to 3 years around 1990 so younger generation spendt less time in childcare compared to soviet times however it is younger generation who has the worse mental health, high rate of adhd etc, and older generations have better outcomes. Also even in Western countries housewifes didn't spend a lot of time with the kids, focusing on chores and socialising with adults, the time now increased twice so again dont think its lack of parents attention which is driving increase in Adhd/anxiety etc.
www.economist.com/graphic-detail/2017/11/27/parents-now-spend-twice-as-much-time-with-their-children-as-50-years-ago

You send your child to nursery 3 times a week while you’re at home (and you love it) so maybe you should check your privilege? We’ve made sacrifices to able to afford me staying home for longer and don’t get any help from the government. You’re happy for the taxpayer to fund your childcare while you chill at home. Perfect example as to why the government shouldn’t be subsidising nursery to the extent it does. Means people who don’t need childcare send their kids in “for a break”, making nursery places for those who actually need it harder to come by while also lowering the quality of childcare even further. It’s ironic that you complain nursery places are scarce while contributing to the problem.

Meow. I did actually need to send my son to nursery despite struggling to afford the upfront costs UC expects you pay first before they pay any back. He has a significant speech delay at three and I suspect is on the autistic spectrum. He will probably need extra support at school. Even if he didn't have these issues I would still have sent him for three mornings because I need a break as the only break I get is when I am work. If you had read my posts you would have noticed I mention possible SEN.

Are you going to come back and tell me that I don't need a nursery space now?

Looks like an interesting article, thanks for sharing.

Haven't read it fully yet (first need to make an account) but that graph at the beginning is v interesting. What's happened in France to make it such an outlier?

It doesn't seem to break down child care by age though.

You’re the one who stalked my posts and made a judgement on my personal situation without knowing all the details. I did the same and you don’t like it. SEN or not, you kept saying you’re sending them because you like the break. I’m sure there are things you can do with your child at home to improve their speech.

Stalk away. At least I am not using the death of a child to use for my arguments for against nurseries. Do you only have an issue with me sending my child to nursery because I claim benefits or do you say the same for wealthy SAHMs who do it too? They send their children to nursery for a break too? Good for them. Mums should have time to themselves. I can get housework done whilst my child isn't climbing something. I said about a break to wind people like you up.

Ha. Nope all the stuff done at home hasn't helped the speech and usually they advise to put a child in nursery for that reason so I did. Not sure it has helped the speech but has improved social skills etc.

I’m a stay at home mum by choice and absolutely love it, however understand that it’s not a choice a lot of people could make or want to make. Now that my baby is a toddler I don’t know any other stay at home parents, the norm is two working parents now. I’d never say anything negative about childcare to any of these parents and I don’t think any one should feel guilty about their childcare choices.

Whilst I don’t believe nursery would benefit my child, it’s not for me to say what’s best for other children. I made my choice based on

1. My experience previously working in childcare which led me to feel uncomfortable about group care for my own child
2. My desire to be present for the early years in the belief that my daughter would be most comfortable being in my care all day
3. My desire to breastfeed for 24 months
4. To a small extent on the research available - which isn’t of particularly good quality.

It’s incredibly difficult to research impact of childcare on later outcomes because there’s a million other variables and parenting choices or circumstances that are almost impossible to account for. The research that is available has been used by both “sides” of the debate to support their own arguments but in general the international consensus is that benefits start at around 2.5 to 3 years for part time care, and that for younger children attending longer hours there may be some negatives to group care like behavioral issues later on.

I can only provide an Australian source, but the research it looks at is international (and outdated as again we don’t have great research in this area).

www.aihw.gov.au/reports/children-youth/learning-development-impact-of-early-childhood-edu/summary

A study often referred to is a universal childcare program from Quebec decades ago. The Canadian data was quite negative, but likely the quality of care was low as the program was rolled out so quickly.

No need to be guilty at all if you don’t mind other people bringing up your kids. I think people feel strongly (and so get stroppy) either way because there’s an element of sacrifice whatever you do. You’re sacrificing time with your kids for money and space, other people sacrifice money, space and career to be close to their kids and provide a better education than at nursery.
What’s best for a kid over the course of their whole life depends on the quality of care and opportunities they get. If you wouldn’t be a great mum at home, be a great mum who goes to work! Kids just want us to be happy as long as they’re loved and cared for.

People get 'stroppy' because of comments like yours. Caring for a child whilst their parents work isn't the same as actually raising them. You can also work and still be close to your children.

Nursery has been so good for my son. They did so many things with the children and he is confident and sociable as a result of being there. We kept sending him during Covid and very glad we did. He was a full timer and I don’t feel a bit guilty about that. It was the best place for him.

Yawn.

Correlation is not causation. My kids are more sociable and confident than most nursery kids we know. I think some nursery kids actually need a break from other children because they are constantly surrounded by them during the day. It’s great your kids are confident but you don’t know if it’s because of Nursery.

I soon learnt not to give a shit what others thought when mine were little. Bothered me at first but then I found you couldn't win either way.
When they were in nursery all day as I was working "aw, you never see them!"
When I was a SAHM "aren't you looking to get a job soon?" etc
Mums are judged whatever they do.
Rise above and know that you know what's best for you and your family, not judgy people who love nothing better than to stick their noses in.

Parenting Style

Lol what did you think I was saying? Only the ones with nerves touched interpret what I said like you did.

I don't have to interpret anything. What else can ''If you don't mind other people bringing up your kids'' mean?

You know what you said. It doesn't bother me so much but I feel sorry for the parents especially single parents who have bills to pay reading that.

Of course parents have overall responsibility for 'bringing up' their children. It's just that some parenting is more hands off by necessity of needing to work during waking hours. Even in couple where one works full-time and one is a SAHM, the one who works will obviously be more hands off, day to day, than the one who SAH. But that's ok. It is what it is. A parent whose children are at boarding school would similarly have a more hands off approach than someone whose children are at a day school because they are not getting drawn into the nitty gritty of everything, minute to minute, day to day. Someone else is doing that for them. It doesn't need to be a value judgement, but it is a statement of fact.

I am out the other side, dd is now at uni. I only got 14 weeks paid and added some unpaid to that but she was 5.5 months old going into Creche. Totally normal then. She got lots of toys and opportunities that I couldn’t have given her, made friends (some of whom she still had leaving school), and was also lucky that the training of the workers meant they spotted developmental stuff they suggested we should investigate and short-circuited by years realisation and learning to manage and support her ADHD/ASD Dx’s.

We did loads together - baking, cooking, playing in mud, making costumes for WBD etc. but I am not the most maternal and I also had really really missed being seen as a person (not just “mum”) and being at work where I can make a difference.

it was a stretch to cover. But I now have a dd who is confident enough to go to uni overseas and get stuck into life. I maintained my career, progressed and have a chance to really make a difference at the minute. We have a lovely relationship. So I don’t regret it at all.

My daughter's nursery staff absolutely had a role in her upbringing and in shaping the fantastic little girl that she is. They continue to, after 9.5 years. So what? Why would anyone have a problem with that? My parenting was and is very much hands on and I actively chose the nursery over others and over a childminder because they had and have a similar ethos. I wish I could say the same for school. Why are people so afraid and jealous of their children having relationships with people other than them?

In my case I know my daughter and I know our family and all our circumstances, and I know the nursery, the nursery staff, all my daughter's friends and her life experiences so far, and I feel pretty confident in assessing what my daughter has gained from nursery to be honest.

Having relationships with other people isn't the same as saying someone else is raising your children. It isn't jealousy or fear to say that nursery staff aren't raising my children.

If your child is with a specific nursery worker, or small group of them, 8-5, 5 days per week or something like that, that's the majority of their waking lives. So they are having a massive influence in your baby / child, whether you call it 'raising' them or not.