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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to sleep at partners house from Friday to Sunday every weekend?

136 replies

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 22:30

So, context....
I say "partner" but we have known each other 8 weeks so 🤷🏻‍♀️
I am 50 and he is 54, he has no children at home and works 2rs a day so has heaps of free time.
I have a 21yr old and a 18yr old and an ageing cat who I love like a third Son! I also work in a very emotionally and physically challenging job, with violent children with trauma based backgrounds.

I have spent the last 3yrs healing from an abusive relationship and as much as I'd like to share time and life with someone, I also want to spend time with my children, my friends and myself! I need quiet time alone o reset. I run ultras and running and the gym make me happy.

The guy is already miffed that I didn't sleep at his house on the last day of term, but I'd explained I was totally shattered. The next 5 days he was very off with me and he told me it wasn't working out. After lots of "drawing blood from a stone" he said he wanted to see me all of every weekend and at least 2 or 3 times on the weekdays.

AIBU that I think he is being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Original poster
Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:51

MumWifeOther · 09/04/2025 23:47

Let him know now, your needs and your kids (cat too) come first.

Have done and he said I should "adjust". When I asked what he meant he said if it were him, he would drop the running clubs I train with to free up time for him.

As I'm writing all this down, it's very clear I need to sprint away!

OP posts:
TheHerboriste · 09/04/2025 23:52

ARichtGoodDram · 09/04/2025 23:45

This is him 8 weeks in - so this is his very best behaviour trying to impress you... and he's already sulking and giving you the silent treatment!

Agree.

Bin this loser.

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 23:52

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:51

Have done and he said I should "adjust". When I asked what he meant he said if it were him, he would drop the running clubs I train with to free up time for him.

As I'm writing all this down, it's very clear I need to sprint away!

Show quote history

Defo!

crackofdoom · 09/04/2025 23:53

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:47

We haven't had sex.. there have been a couple of times it could have happened but he stopped and said he would only have sex with me if I stayed the night as if I wasn't staying it would be too hard for him to let me go 🤔

Show quote history

Well, that's pretty fucking manipulative isn't it!!
Again, mine wasn't so bad, but there was a lot of "I can only have sex when I'm committed to someone", whereas I cheerfully said " Oh, I can completely enjoy casual sex when I'm not in a relationship!" Which, of course, eventually got chucked back in my face, the sex dried up, I think the slut shaming was just gearing up when I dumped him...

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 23:53

Out of interest where did you meet this gem?😊

Ownedbykitties · 09/04/2025 23:53

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:34

I haven't even added in the money questions he asked after 2.5 weeks and the sex situation 😅😅

Oh heck! He sounds horrible. Stick with your beautiful cat son. He loves you unconditionally. I have 2 cat daughters and a cat son. They bring joy and smiles to me every single day. This bloke sounds awful. He doesn't compete with your cat son for love and affection. No joy or smiles with him. 8 weeks and he's talking about money and sex and wants you at his beck and call for most of the week? Nah. Confused . I bet he doesn't care one jot about your cat and that he's been ill. Huge turn off.

FriendsDrinkBook · 09/04/2025 23:55

Noooo! Don't give up your hobbies and neglect your fitness for him. This is bad op.

I'm not a huge fan of cats , I have terrible allergies. But in the last couple of weeks I have seen so many threads where I'm 100% team cat. Who do these men think they are?

Original poster
Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:56

FriendsDrinkBook · 09/04/2025 23:50

What money questions did he ask op?

This is the message he sent (2 weeks after meeting):

"How are you on finances?
Are you a saver or sensible spender or would you make a spontaneous purchase?
Is money important to you and do you keep a tight budget or do you spend now and worry about it later?
And what about if we're out together, do you just pay for whatever and not worry who pays for what or 50/50 all the way?"

OP posts:
CalicoPusscat · 09/04/2025 23:57

He sounds too controlling

Original poster
Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:57

Ownedbykitties · 09/04/2025 23:53

Oh heck! He sounds horrible. Stick with your beautiful cat son. He loves you unconditionally. I have 2 cat daughters and a cat son. They bring joy and smiles to me every single day. This bloke sounds awful. He doesn't compete with your cat son for love and affection. No joy or smiles with him. 8 weeks and he's talking about money and sex and wants you at his beck and call for most of the week? Nah. Confused . I bet he doesn't care one jot about your cat and that he's been ill. Huge turn off.

Show quote history

He said the right words but I could tell he's just irritated that my cat is ill 🤨

OP posts:
JennySayQuoi · 09/04/2025 23:58

To borrow from another recent thread, #catsbeforetwats 😺

Original poster
Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:59

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 23:53

Out of interest where did you meet this gem?😊

Online... highly recommend (you don't give it a go! 😆)

OP posts:
FriendsDrinkBook · 09/04/2025 23:59

@Tobbay I don't know what to say to that.

Having similar views on money is very important , but this sounds like a financial survey rather than a chat with someone you've been dating for a couple of weeks.

Curlycurio · 09/04/2025 23:59

He is demanding all of your free time and sulking to manipulate you into complying.

He's controlling, it's a huge red flag. He'll chip away at you until you feel guilty for doing any of the things you love.

Keep your boundaries, OP! In the bin with him.

Original poster
Tobbay · 10/04/2025 00:00

crackofdoom · 09/04/2025 23:53

Well, that's pretty fucking manipulative isn't it!!
Again, mine wasn't so bad, but there was a lot of "I can only have sex when I'm committed to someone", whereas I cheerfully said " Oh, I can completely enjoy casual sex when I'm not in a relationship!" Which, of course, eventually got chucked back in my face, the sex dried up, I think the slut shaming was just gearing up when I dumped him...

Show quote history

I think we are both well rid of these delights!

OP posts:
Sunbeam01 · 10/04/2025 00:00

Run. Do not look back.

MattCauthon · 10/04/2025 00:03

This level of attempted control so early in the relationship.... ick ick ick. Run a mile

Original poster
Tobbay · 10/04/2025 00:04

FriendsDrinkBook · 09/04/2025 23:59

@Tobbay I don't know what to say to that.

Having similar views on money is very important , but this sounds like a financial survey rather than a chat with someone you've been dating for a couple of weeks.

That's what I thought. I was very confused when I received that and told him so.
It seemed to me very much like "I hope you are going to pay your way and don't expect me to"
I did ask him in person and he said that if I invite him out or suggest to meet somewhere, I should pay for any drinks/food etc... that seems very controlled rather than a casual, natural way between two people if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Curlycurio · 10/04/2025 00:07

Tobbay · 10/04/2025 00:04

That's what I thought. I was very confused when I received that and told him so.
It seemed to me very much like "I hope you are going to pay your way and don't expect me to"
I did ask him in person and he said that if I invite him out or suggest to meet somewhere, I should pay for any drinks/food etc... that seems very controlled rather than a casual, natural way between two people if that makes sense?

Show quote history

It's because he wants you to stay in the house with him and not do anything. "someone to do stuff with" is not what you'll get from this guy!

After you left your abusive relationship, did you ever do the freedom programme or read that book Why Does He Do That? Both were really eye opening to me.

Also you sound lovely and your hobbies sound fun and I don't want him to ruin everything!

Lilactimes · 10/04/2025 00:09

I would definitely back out of that one… sounds like a nightmare.

CalicoPusscat · 10/04/2025 00:09

@Tobbay you need to stand up for yourself and say you have other interests and priorities.

It's acceptable to be cautious with new people but he doesn't seem able to process what you're saying or just doesn't care.

Original poster
Tobbay · 10/04/2025 00:11

Curlycurio · 10/04/2025 00:07

It's because he wants you to stay in the house with him and not do anything. "someone to do stuff with" is not what you'll get from this guy!

After you left your abusive relationship, did you ever do the freedom programme or read that book Why Does He Do That? Both were really eye opening to me.

Also you sound lovely and your hobbies sound fun and I don't want him to ruin everything!

Edited
Show quote history

I've heard of the freedom program.

Thank you 😊 Definitely not dropping running, gym, my boys or my cat.. ever!

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb60 · 10/04/2025 00:13

Throw this one back in the sea
He actually sounds ridiculously immature but that’s beside the point. You’re not compatible

Cardinalita90 · 10/04/2025 00:14

8 weeks is WAY too early to spend all weekend every weekend together even if you wanted to! Bin this one off, if he's this unhappy now it's hardly going to improve - he sounds like he needs someone with an equally empty life and unhealthy obsession to date instead!

Blackkittenfluff · 10/04/2025 00:14

Wanting to get his leg over at the weekend.
Throw this one back in the sea.