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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to sleep at partners house from Friday to Sunday every weekend?

136 replies

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 22:30

So, context....
I say "partner" but we have known each other 8 weeks so 🤷🏻‍♀️
I am 50 and he is 54, he has no children at home and works 2rs a day so has heaps of free time.
I have a 21yr old and a 18yr old and an ageing cat who I love like a third Son! I also work in a very emotionally and physically challenging job, with violent children with trauma based backgrounds.

I have spent the last 3yrs healing from an abusive relationship and as much as I'd like to share time and life with someone, I also want to spend time with my children, my friends and myself! I need quiet time alone o reset. I run ultras and running and the gym make me happy.

The guy is already miffed that I didn't sleep at his house on the last day of term, but I'd explained I was totally shattered. The next 5 days he was very off with me and he told me it wasn't working out. After lots of "drawing blood from a stone" he said he wanted to see me all of every weekend and at least 2 or 3 times on the weekdays.

AIBU that I think he is being unreasonable??

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 09/04/2025 22:50

It's very early days for such an intensity, op, be wary. Take things at your pace. He should be able to understand, if he doesn't, he is not the one for you.

FriendsDrinkBook · 09/04/2025 22:54

I don't necessarily think his asking to see you every weekend is unreasonable , but the demanding that you stay all weekend and see him 2/3 days per week also is just too much. You're not there for his entertainment!

At this stage (8 weeks) a weekend date with a sleepover and a drink during the week if you have time sounds pretty standard.

Beesandhoney123 · 09/04/2025 22:55

He sounds a fucking nightmare. I don't think you want more of the same? What are you supposed to do all day at his house? Clean it?:)

The sulking would have been the end for me. He treats you like a possession already, imagine being with him after 3 months. He just isn't good enough for you.

You haven't told him where you live, which is brilliant . He won't go easily by the sound of it. Do it now, before he ruins your homelike.

TheHerboriste · 09/04/2025 22:59

Eight weeks in, I wouldn’t be spending nights with anyone. Getting that domestic that fast is a turnoff. Major turnoff.

Whatever happened to a little romance and mystique?? Dating?

Set boundaries and stop worrying about gaining his approval. He takes it or leaves it. Frankly he sounds lazy and low-effort.

Mrsmouse71 · 09/04/2025 22:59

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 22:46

Thanks guys. I also think I'm NOT BU but after making a bad choice in my last relationship, there was a part of me that thought should i be more flexible.

Obviously I'd see him a little more but absolutely, definitely NOT every weekend, especially staying at his Fri-Sun!

I haven't had him over or even told him my address because I don't want him to know my address until I'm 110% sure about him and don't want my boys (even though they are adults) to meet someone, only for that to not work out and then the boys suffer another loss (after their Dad and I got divorced)

Why do you think you should be more flexible?

crackofdoom · 09/04/2025 23:00

Yeah....I had one similar recently. Both I our 50s, except I have DC to look after (one still primary aged), lots of friends and hobbies, and I'm desperate for time on my own as well as with a boyfriend. Him....not so much. Childless, only a couple of friends, left to his own devices was prone to sit in front of the TV all weekend.

Although he wasn't quite as pushy as yours, I did feel the pressure to be his everything. And after 8 months he started acting up, and it was quite a relief to end it tbh.

We are not responsible for providing these guys with a life- they need to get out and find one for themselves.

But I have to say....are you sure your adult sons are going to be traumatised at the prospect of you dating?! That does sound a little unhealthy to me.

StJulian2023 · 09/04/2025 23:02

Why does he only work 2 hours a day? I bet he’s bored, hence wanting to see you so much. It sounds hideously demanding. I vote throw this one back and spend more time with cat son.

healthybychristmas · 09/04/2025 23:02

Why is he only working two hours a day?

That aside, he sounds absolutely bloody awful!

rockingbird · 09/04/2025 23:02

In the bin, pop on those trainers and run for the hills 🏃‍♀️

DrCoconut · 09/04/2025 23:07

Looking back the start of my ex's controlling behaviour was wanting to see me all the time really early on. I was young and naive and thought it was sweet but actually it was anything but.

Original poster
Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:08

Mrsmouse71 · 09/04/2025 22:59

Why do you think you should be more flexible?

Show quote history

I was thinking that maybe I'm TOO set in my ways after being single for 3 yrs

OP posts:
Original poster
Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:10

StJulian2023 · 09/04/2025 23:02

Why does he only work 2 hours a day? I bet he’s bored, hence wanting to see you so much. It sounds hideously demanding. I vote throw this one back and spend more time with cat son.

He's living off redundancy money currently.

I did tell him "I've had my cat for 12yrs, he's been very ill recently and I'm not sleeping at your house and missing our on nights sleeping with my cat"

OP posts:
Original poster
Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:10

healthybychristmas · 09/04/2025 23:02

Why is he only working two hours a day?

That aside, he sounds absolutely bloody awful!

Living off redundancy money

OP posts:
snackatack · 09/04/2025 23:12

WeirdyBeardyMarrowBabyLady · 09/04/2025 22:40

After 8 weeks?? Far too much too soon. So many red flags.

Also I pressed the wrong AIBU button in error. You’re definitely not BU

You can change your tick just by clicking on the wording on the other one

I've done it myself - when I've miss read a question

CharlotteBakewell · 09/04/2025 23:12

What does he add to your life?

Original poster
Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:14

Beesandhoney123 · 09/04/2025 22:55

He sounds a fucking nightmare. I don't think you want more of the same? What are you supposed to do all day at his house? Clean it?:)

The sulking would have been the end for me. He treats you like a possession already, imagine being with him after 3 months. He just isn't good enough for you.

You haven't told him where you live, which is brilliant . He won't go easily by the sound of it. Do it now, before he ruins your homelike.

That is a very good point! I'd be bored senseless all day and if he wants me to clean, I want a pay packet! 🤣

OP posts:
StJulian2023 · 09/04/2025 23:15

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:10

He's living off redundancy money currently.

I did tell him "I've had my cat for 12yrs, he's been very ill recently and I'm not sleeping at your house and missing our on nights sleeping with my cat"

Show quote history

And the cat’s cuter, isn’t he? I bet he is.

My cat son is 11. They’re so precious, aren’t they?

Original poster
Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:16

crackofdoom · 09/04/2025 23:00

Yeah....I had one similar recently. Both I our 50s, except I have DC to look after (one still primary aged), lots of friends and hobbies, and I'm desperate for time on my own as well as with a boyfriend. Him....not so much. Childless, only a couple of friends, left to his own devices was prone to sit in front of the TV all weekend.

Although he wasn't quite as pushy as yours, I did feel the pressure to be his everything. And after 8 months he started acting up, and it was quite a relief to end it tbh.

We are not responsible for providing these guys with a life- they need to get out and find one for themselves.

But I have to say....are you sure your adult sons are going to be traumatised at the prospect of you dating?! That does sound a little unhealthy to me.

That sounds very similar!

No, my Sons probably wouldn't bat an eyelid, it's more me and how I don't want to introduce anyone unless I was very sure, especially not after 8 weeks.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 09/04/2025 23:17

All he cares about is what he wants. What works for you is not something that he is considering or interested in considering.

By all means be more flexible in dating but that does not mean accepting arseholes. And this guy is an arsehole. Move on

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 09/04/2025 23:17

It’s good that he’s been honest about his (unrealistic, inappropriate and demanding) relationship expectations. I would think that was fairly demanding from anyone unless you’d been together for at least a year. Your need for personal space is every bit as valid as anyone else’s needs. Don’t put yourself second.

Original poster
Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:18

CharlotteBakewell · 09/04/2025 23:12

What does he add to your life?

Read this when you sent it.... still thinking 🤔😅

OP posts:
Mrsmouse71 · 09/04/2025 23:19

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:08

I was thinking that maybe I'm TOO set in my ways after being single for 3 yrs

Show quote history

Noooo absolutely bloody not! What is he bringing to your relationship?

CalicoPusscat · 09/04/2025 23:21

He can't be flinging himself around making demands after such a short time.

Enjoy your cat snuggles, get him to back off

Original poster
Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:21

StJulian2023 · 09/04/2025 23:15

And the cat’s cuter, isn’t he? I bet he is.

My cat son is 11. They’re so precious, aren’t they?

Show quote history

Absolutely! Would rather be single and be with my cat every day and night, rather than have these hassles!
(That probably means I'm on my way to being a spinster with 24 cats, but hey, sounds good 👍 😆)

OP posts:
Original poster
Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:22

Mrsmouse71 · 09/04/2025 23:19

Noooo absolutely bloody not! What is he bringing to your relationship?

Show quote history

Someone to do things with 🤔

OP posts: