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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to sleep at partners house from Friday to Sunday every weekend?

136 replies

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 22:30

So, context....
I say "partner" but we have known each other 8 weeks so 🤷🏻‍♀️
I am 50 and he is 54, he has no children at home and works 2rs a day so has heaps of free time.
I have a 21yr old and a 18yr old and an ageing cat who I love like a third Son! I also work in a very emotionally and physically challenging job, with violent children with trauma based backgrounds.

I have spent the last 3yrs healing from an abusive relationship and as much as I'd like to share time and life with someone, I also want to spend time with my children, my friends and myself! I need quiet time alone o reset. I run ultras and running and the gym make me happy.

The guy is already miffed that I didn't sleep at his house on the last day of term, but I'd explained I was totally shattered. The next 5 days he was very off with me and he told me it wasn't working out. After lots of "drawing blood from a stone" he said he wanted to see me all of every weekend and at least 2 or 3 times on the weekdays.

AIBU that I think he is being unreasonable??

OP posts:
pilates · 09/04/2025 23:28

lots of red flags here - I think I would have to let that one go.

valentinka31 · 09/04/2025 23:28

sorry but I'd tell him to f right off and I wouldn't have any more to do with him.

He is super spoilt and he doesn't understand who you are as a mother and professional person at all.

I already don't like him!

Lotsofsnacks · 09/04/2025 23:32

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 22:30

So, context....
I say "partner" but we have known each other 8 weeks so 🤷🏻‍♀️
I am 50 and he is 54, he has no children at home and works 2rs a day so has heaps of free time.
I have a 21yr old and a 18yr old and an ageing cat who I love like a third Son! I also work in a very emotionally and physically challenging job, with violent children with trauma based backgrounds.

I have spent the last 3yrs healing from an abusive relationship and as much as I'd like to share time and life with someone, I also want to spend time with my children, my friends and myself! I need quiet time alone o reset. I run ultras and running and the gym make me happy.

The guy is already miffed that I didn't sleep at his house on the last day of term, but I'd explained I was totally shattered. The next 5 days he was very off with me and he told me it wasn't working out. After lots of "drawing blood from a stone" he said he wanted to see me all of every weekend and at least 2 or 3 times on the weekdays.

AIBU that I think he is being unreasonable??

Only 8 weeks in and sulking?!! You should be both on cloud nine, no this won’t work. Why does he get to call the shots, and say when he wants to see you? What about your life, and when you are available to spend time with him. He hardly knows you yet, but is already trying to tie you down, to do what he wants, even though it doesn’t suit you. Your life sounds lovely without him, get rid

PivotPivotPIVOTTTT · 09/04/2025 23:33

IMO, 8 weeks into the relationship if you want to spend the night at yours that should never be an issue (not in a bitchy way but the jobs/kids/pets are irrelevant; if you want to stay at yours that’s all that matters) x

Original poster
Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:34

I haven't even added in the money questions he asked after 2.5 weeks and the sex situation 😅😅

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 09/04/2025 23:35

This level of neediness after a few months?! Imagine how high maintenance he’ll be in a year! Goodness me, I’m claustrophobic even reading this!

You have to have your own life too & so should he! Every single weekend would not suit me, how would you see your friends? Do things you want to do etc?

I would be putting firm boundaries in place & if he doesn’t like it, Needy Neil would be chucked back in the sea!

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 09/04/2025 23:35

Get rid. Be happy you’ve only wasted 8 weeks on this controlling arse!

4forksache · 09/04/2025 23:36

At least he’s shown you who he is early on.

Original poster
Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:39

StarDolphins · 09/04/2025 23:35

This level of neediness after a few months?! Imagine how high maintenance he’ll be in a year! Goodness me, I’m claustrophobic even reading this!

You have to have your own life too & so should he! Every single weekend would not suit me, how would you see your friends? Do things you want to do etc?

I would be putting firm boundaries in place & if he doesn’t like it, Needy Neil would be chucked back in the sea!

Needy Neil 😂

OP posts:
Lotsofsnacks · 09/04/2025 23:40

You can have this, but just not with this man! There’s plenty of lovely, less needy guys out there for you

WilfredsPies · 09/04/2025 23:40

He’s obviously quite bored and views a relationship as something to keep him entertained, with sex. That’s not how you view it, so it’s just a case of wanting different things. Fair enough, maybe you could get a friendship out of it.

BUT the sulking? If that isn’t telling you that he’s a giant man baby, and that staying with him will years of untold aggravation, I don’t know what will. ‘They’ do suggest that you should say ‘no’ to someone you’re dating, quite early on to see how they react. I think you’ve done quite well to discover he’s a sulker before he has your address. Dump him while you’ve got the impetus to do it.

SpryCat · 09/04/2025 23:42

Your new guy is only interested in his wants, his sulks and moans are a way of trying to get you to bend to his will, being with this guy means losing yourself to please him. I think his behaviour is already a red flag after 8 weeks, you want someone to go places with and he wants you to cater to his needs and to forget your own.

shellyleppard · 09/04/2025 23:42

I would feel suffocated if he kept pushing like that. I'd rather stay single

ARichtGoodDram · 09/04/2025 23:44

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:34

I haven't even added in the money questions he asked after 2.5 weeks and the sex situation 😅😅

Money questions when he's living off his redundancy money?

I'd bet the "well you're here all the time so you need to chip in" comments would start very quickly with this one...

Run away.

ARichtGoodDram · 09/04/2025 23:45

This is him 8 weeks in - so this is his very best behaviour trying to impress you... and he's already sulking and giving you the silent treatment!

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 23:45

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 22:30

So, context....
I say "partner" but we have known each other 8 weeks so 🤷🏻‍♀️
I am 50 and he is 54, he has no children at home and works 2rs a day so has heaps of free time.
I have a 21yr old and a 18yr old and an ageing cat who I love like a third Son! I also work in a very emotionally and physically challenging job, with violent children with trauma based backgrounds.

I have spent the last 3yrs healing from an abusive relationship and as much as I'd like to share time and life with someone, I also want to spend time with my children, my friends and myself! I need quiet time alone o reset. I run ultras and running and the gym make me happy.

The guy is already miffed that I didn't sleep at his house on the last day of term, but I'd explained I was totally shattered. The next 5 days he was very off with me and he told me it wasn't working out. After lots of "drawing blood from a stone" he said he wanted to see me all of every weekend and at least 2 or 3 times on the weekdays.

AIBU that I think he is being unreasonable??

Did you tell him that you have previously been in an abusive relationship….only asking as when some men hear this they think you are weak and easily manipulated and this is the way he is treating you in my opinion, he has plenty of free time, you do not, you need to be setting clear boundaries and if he Dosen’t respect them you should think about ending it

Original poster
Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:47

WilfredsPies · 09/04/2025 23:40

He’s obviously quite bored and views a relationship as something to keep him entertained, with sex. That’s not how you view it, so it’s just a case of wanting different things. Fair enough, maybe you could get a friendship out of it.

BUT the sulking? If that isn’t telling you that he’s a giant man baby, and that staying with him will years of untold aggravation, I don’t know what will. ‘They’ do suggest that you should say ‘no’ to someone you’re dating, quite early on to see how they react. I think you’ve done quite well to discover he’s a sulker before he has your address. Dump him while you’ve got the impetus to do it.

We haven't had sex.. there have been a couple of times it could have happened but he stopped and said he would only have sex with me if I stayed the night as if I wasn't staying it would be too hard for him to let me go 🤔

OP posts:
MumWifeOther · 09/04/2025 23:47

Let him know now, your needs and your kids (cat too) come first.

MumWifeOther · 09/04/2025 23:48

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:47

We haven't had sex.. there have been a couple of times it could have happened but he stopped and said he would only have sex with me if I stayed the night as if I wasn't staying it would be too hard for him to let me go 🤔

Show quote history

Just read this latest post. He sounds very weird. Run, now.

SpryCat · 09/04/2025 23:49

It’s only been 8 weeks and he’s being pushy and sulking already, what on earth will he be like in a year’s time! He is already trying to control you by saying he won’t have sex with you unless you stay the night, he has all the signs of being controlling and abusive

Original poster
Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:49

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 23:45

Did you tell him that you have previously been in an abusive relationship….only asking as when some men hear this they think you are weak and easily manipulated and this is the way he is treating you in my opinion, he has plenty of free time, you do not, you need to be setting clear boundaries and if he Dosen’t respect them you should think about ending it

Show quote history

I have told him actually. That is interesting, hadn't thought of it that way but that makes sense. Thanks 🙂

OP posts:
TheSilentSister · 09/04/2025 23:50

Why do you want or need to date OP? You sound like you've got life sorted and your priorities right.

FriendsDrinkBook · 09/04/2025 23:50

What money questions did he ask op?

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 23:50

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:47

We haven't had sex.. there have been a couple of times it could have happened but he stopped and said he would only have sex with me if I stayed the night as if I wasn't staying it would be too hard for him to let me go 🤔

Show quote history

Odd and controlling in my opinion, does he think you will be so gagging for it that you will give in!

StJulian2023 · 09/04/2025 23:51

OP! He gets worse with every update. He’s given me the ‘ick’, and I haven’t even met him. Get back to thinking about that lovely cat of yours.