Making children do extra curricular activities

[Daisyblossom13]

How do you feel about forcing/pushing school into doing extra curricular activities.

Ds is 9, soon to be 10.

He plays football in a team and does swimming lessons. All fine, that’s plenty.

He enjoys the football, but does sometimes complain about going to matches on weekends. He’s not brilliant but certainly not terrible. The football teams are getting much more competitive and selective as he’s getting older. He has the opportunity to join a second team which is very relaxed/just for fun and not too time consuming, and would give him a bit more practise, but he doesn’t want to. His only reason is that he can’t be bothered.

He moans like crazy about going to swimming lessons, he’s a very good swimmer, so could potentially stop, but it’s only 30 minutes a week and it’s not like he finds it difficult.

We tried tennis but he hated it, we started taking him to parkrun, he’s a really good, fast runner, but he always said he couldn’t be bothered to go.

I don’t want to over schedule him, but I do find it a little bit odd that he can’t be bothered to do anything lot of these things. He doesn’t like going out much at all. He doesn’t like school, no particular reason, he just wants to be at home. He only likes going out for a very short time and short distance and always wants to go home.

What stage is he on at 9-10y?

My 7 year old has just finished stage 7 and my 5 year old is on stage 5.

At 9/10, I really would have expected him to have finished the stages.

I would tell him he's welcome to choose which activities he does, but he has to do at least two and if he doesn't choose something you will choose for him.

He’s 9. He’s little. Better to do stuff with you like hiking, visiting museums whatever than create drama through unliked extra curricular stuff. FWIW my 3 hated anything ‘organised’ and they’ve turned out ok

If these friends get little or no access to screens themselves, they will understand it if you say that your DS is not allowed screens either.

I agree with everyone who says the screen time is the problem. I honestly would put the devices away out of sight and say that you agree with the parents of these other children who don't allow them to have screens and from now on you will be doing the same thing. Tell your son that he will be allowed to use his games console once a week at an agreed time (say Saturdays from 9-11am) and the rest of the time he will need to occupy himself in other ways. He needs to find new hobbies, or if he really doesn't want to do anything other than slob around in his pyjamas, become a really voracious reader.

Then when these friends come round there is no console, so they can go outside and play football or go on the trampoline, or they can twiddle their thumbs/play chess.

The only activity I ever insisted on for dd was swimming, until she was competent. As far as I'm concerned, any other extracurriculars were primarily just for fun, so no point if she wasn't enjoying them. She had hobbies that she loved though, so it wasn't like she wasn't doing anything.

I wouldn't force the activities at all, but I would limit the screen time in your situation. Not healthy to spend every free hour on YouTube.

This OP.

Being forced to do stuff at school you hate is bad enough, but at home too??? Poor kid.

My daughter doesn’t do any because she doesn’t want to. She does plenty of activity she enjoys, and we have a farm.

What an odd reply,

He’s just started stage 8, I’m not sure it’s at all relevant what stage your children are at 🙄

All children will go at a different pace. And anyway, he’s always one of the youngest in his groups and was in top group at school swimming lessons (with only 4 other children), so I don’t think he’s particularly behind. Pools were closed for a chunk of time during Covid. Therefore what does it matter what age he completes the stages?

The point is I would like him to carry on. It’s only 30 minutes per week and it keeps the skill going. He can perfect his technique/learn to dive correctly/earn badges/do life guarding.

He’s not a ‘poor kid’ you cheeky sod.

and if you read my post correctly the only thing he is ‘forced’ to do is swimming lessons.

Thank you, and thank you for all of the sensible replies and tips, ideas and advice.

I’m going against the majority here and saying that a bit of non-negotiable extra curricular is essential if you can afford it.

My kids would also spend every waking hour on you tube given the chance but I don’t let it happen.

They all do an instrument, a sport, swimming and then something either artistic or teamwork-y (art club, brownies etc). They don’t moan about any of it because they know it wouldn’t make a difference. And honestly when they are either at/ have done the hobby successfully they get so much out of it. Camps, activities, passing exams, performing in concerts, all adds to their confidence and self esteem.

If they absolutely detested it I would be reasonable and let them swap to something else but they absolutely would not be allowed to give everything up and watch brain rot at home every evening.

I completely agree with you OP, it's not the dropping the sports it s about the alternative. As a PP said, if he was a bookworm and not sporty it wouldn't be an issue.

My son was the opposite as we just couldn't get him interested in sport at a young age and he only wanted screens Fast forward to high school and he started showing an interest in rugby. The day he mentioned I signed him up to the local club

Three years later he loves it he and would agree that he missed opportunities

I’m just after writing up a list of screen time rules in our house and sticking it to the fridge because it was becoming the fall back for down time for all of us. We are all very busy but I think that it’s better to have other ways to relax like Lego, reading, drawing whatever.

I would only make my child do swimming. I’ve never made them do anything. Two of them are busy every day and one is very introverted and gets peopled out of it and needs more time alone.

Make sure you have some active things to do in your house/garden. Like an exercise ball, a trampoline, an indoor gymnastics mat. This helps my little introvert get all the activity they need. Also with less screen time, they are happy to go on a walk/cycle.

I agree.

I would set very strict screen time limits if you think this is the issue. But I also agree that keeping them doing hobbies is a good way to ensure they have a life outside of screens and school

I would get him to try other sports in case there is one he prefers more. Maybe try things outside the obvious? My son doesn't like team sports but loves rock climbing and paddle boarding . He goes indoors climbing all year round.
Or non sport type hobbies perhaps? Scouts or youth club or music.

And instead of forcing, could you try bribing? An element of our children's pocket money is based on having hobbies. And if they have an exam or similar coming up in their hobby we let them off some of their chores

Stage 8 here is the competitive swimming section which is two hour long training sessions a week, plus competitions and galas. It definitely isn’t for children who are still working on their 100m.

Mine are the opposite and love a club, but if they didn’t, being active would be non-negotiable for health reasons. I was like your son, and loved a pj day. Now I’m climbing the walls by 2pm if I haven’t been out.

I’d try and keep the swimming and move to the more relaxed football team, plus add something that’s more social than active - scouts, cadets, table top gaming - look for stuff like Lorcana/Pokemon/Yu-Gi-Oh/Magic the Gathering or Warhammer. Warhammer, though expensive also comes with the artistic bonus of painting your models.

My brother is a youth advocate at a game store (fully dbs-ed and supervised) and they love nothing more than introducing new players to their world.

So at our pool it goes up to stage 8 (normal lessons). Then stage 9-10 are competitive swimming which are one hour long.

He’s just gone into stage 8. He’s done his 800metres.

Some might say that’s time to stop but I think that there are real benefits to being a strong swimmer.

He does moan about going but then he was so proud of himself when he passed 800 metres. He’s learning to dive and has almost mastered it.

So my problem with the “let them chill out but limit screens” answer is that this just doesn’t work. The kids either get around the limits or badger the parents so much that they give in.

Unless you have a farm or (unicorn) kids who don’t like you tube/ Roblox it’s just impossible to keep to sensible limits.

Also if you find the right activity, even if kids don’t like it in the early days, they will eventually. As my kids have got better at their various hobbies they have got so much from them. They’ve played in full orchestral concerts, sung at the royal Albert hall, won player of the week, done a full week of camping without me, performed in a show, won trophies, passed music exams in strict exam conditions. And in things like brownies they’ve made really cool stuff like pizza, candles, gardens, tie-dye etc and made a full set of friends outside school and not online. All of this without me anywhere in sight! And they are very average kids! It’s so valuable to do things like this if you can afford/ accommodate it and sets up good mental health/ habits as the kids get older.

I wish I'd made my 18 yo go to more clubs, I think it would have widened her social circle. My 14yo also doesn't do any clubs, tried a fair few things but never got on with them.

My 12yo is the complete opposite and does singing lessons, French horn, army cadets twice a week, rock climbing and musical theatre. She would do more if she could.

My 5yo does dance 3 times a week and gymnastics, she sometimes moans about the dance classes but she loves competing and she's realising that if she wants to compete she has to put the work in at classes.

I do think it's important for them to have an active lifestyle and I'd try and keep the clubs going if you possibly can.

Well done to your son! That’s a great achievement in swimming. If your stage 8 is the final one of ‘normal’ swimming I’d be saying he had to finish that stage - mine are stopping at the end of our stage 7, but will continue their diving training.

Friday night swimming will then be swapped for our local running clubs youth group, which is mixed athletics - and some social stuff.

Just going to lob this idea into the mix, in case something is being missed. Any chance due to dietary restrictions or fussiness etc that your son is tired and not wanting to do stuff because of a vitamin difficiency or similar? Probably not, but maybe just worth checking in with GP if it rings any bells.

I wouldn’t have thought so, he’s a good eater. Always worth considering though.

It’s like if we go for a hike he will be grumbling that he’s soooo tired, his legs are tired.

Then the next thing he’ll be sprinting up a massive hill while me and dh are struggling behind 🤣

he is a lovely boy, he’s good at school, so well behaved at home and at school He sounds just wonderful, why is that not enough for you?

EVERYTHING else is about your expectations, perhaps reflect on that @Daisyblossom13

I do find it a little bit odd that he can’t be bothered

No I wouldn’t, but we can’t just laze around all the time can we?

Going to school, getting exercise, fresh air, learning some skills is essential.

But my concern is that sitting around for hours and hours watching YouTube isn’t great?

I do think that getting out for some fresh air and exercise a few times a week is essential.

But as it’s only 30 minutes a week and swimming is so important I want him to keep going for now.

He is doing plenty to be fair, but he’s also becoming reluctant to try anything new or do much outside of this.

Its finding that balance between having downtime, but making sure they’re being engaged and not becoming lazy/disinterested.

Swimming lessons were non negotiable until they reached a good level of competency or they could carry on to life saving etc.

Other clubs were personal choice.

Who said it’s not enough?

Honestly I’m baffled that some people on here are having a go at me. It’s beyond weird.

I asked how people felt about pushing children into doing extra curricular activities/trying new things and said that ds was getting a bit reluctant/wanting to spend a lot of time on screens.

It’s a normal conversation/topic of discussion. Not inflammatory.

Some people have got real issues 🙄

Swimming is a life skill so I definitely wouldn’t drop that. Football is tricky. It can get a bit tribal at that age. If you aren’t perceived as one of the top players you could get sidelined. A bit frustrating and demoralising. Maybe he could try another team sport - basketball, hockey, rugby (appreciate fewer clubs available). Or as others have suggested, something like climbing. Family bike rides are great but I do think at that age something structured involving other people is a good idea. One of our DC would like to sit around on the iPad all weekend but we don’t allow it. DC is actually so much happier and more pleasant to be around after getting up on a Saturday morning and taking part in something. It can be a bit of a struggle at times but definitely worth it!

Thank you 😊

That’s exactly my point. He likes football, but it’s starting to get very competitive/selective and I don’t want him to end up left out.

That’s why I was looking at him doing the less competitive team either as an alternative or as a bit of extra practise.

There are loads of good ideas on this thread and things that I hadn’t really thought of so it has been useful.