Making children do extra curricular activities

[Daisyblossom13]

How do you feel about forcing/pushing school into doing extra curricular activities.

Ds is 9, soon to be 10.

He plays football in a team and does swimming lessons. All fine, that’s plenty.

He enjoys the football, but does sometimes complain about going to matches on weekends. He’s not brilliant but certainly not terrible. The football teams are getting much more competitive and selective as he’s getting older. He has the opportunity to join a second team which is very relaxed/just for fun and not too time consuming, and would give him a bit more practise, but he doesn’t want to. His only reason is that he can’t be bothered.

He moans like crazy about going to swimming lessons, he’s a very good swimmer, so could potentially stop, but it’s only 30 minutes a week and it’s not like he finds it difficult.

We tried tennis but he hated it, we started taking him to parkrun, he’s a really good, fast runner, but he always said he couldn’t be bothered to go.

I don’t want to over schedule him, but I do find it a little bit odd that he can’t be bothered to do anything lot of these things. He doesn’t like going out much at all. He doesn’t like school, no particular reason, he just wants to be at home. He only likes going out for a very short time and short distance and always wants to go home.

Op I'm with you kids need to do activities. My son does swimming non negotiable as kids need to learn to swim plus we live by the sea. We have tried various other sports, rugby, Hockey, athletics, karate he gets fed up quickly and messes around. He would rather play games all day too but he is going to have to do some activity when he gets older. He's currently only 7 and struggles to concentrate but as he's older he will need to do a sport. It's not cruel to not want your kids to be lazy and unhealthy. It also teaches kids how to lose, how to win, how to be a good team player, how to be dedicated and committed. Find him something that he likes to do, there are so many activities to choose from. We are going to try basketball next. Edit as I see he does do football and swimming so they is a good balance. My DD did swimming hockey and athletics. Dropped swimming at 9 as it was too much. Now at 13 only does athletics but this is 4 times a week as she competes. I wish my mum had made me do a sport but she didn't want to get up on the weekend to take me anywhere as she saw it as her rest day. I did horse riding for awhile but it was riding in the dark early mornings to get there. As a parent I think it'd essential for your kids to have hobbies and have friends outside of their school circle.

This is so tricky! My eldest (dd 11) would much rather be at home (and on a screen!) than do anything sporty or otherwise. Suspected asd so a battle to try things but one she starts and gets to know the instructor she sticks at things. I’ve never forced anything but think we’ll struggle when she does to secondary as all her hobbies are attached to her primary school. (We also had to block YouTube altogether as noticed a worrying addictive tendency towards YouTube shorts.)
my youngest (dd9) does loads - sports, instruments, cubs - but is making noises about giving up football. She’s much more up and down with activities but I don’t want to penalise her for trying things and force her, but also want to teach persistence and the value of continuing with things when they are more challenging.
It’s difficult when you read people
saying they regret giving up activities but also when you hear about people
who resented being forced to do things. I gave up swimming for my town at age 12 (I swam almost daily and went to galas every weekend - my parents didn’t fight it!!) and gave up at grade 8
piano as a teenager. I regret giving up the piano but it was too much work
and i wish id been able to just play for fun. For me the key is whether they enjoy
it as life is stressful enough without the need to force extra stuff. And i always need to question whether i am applying my own standards of seeing things through and persevering whereas perhaps those aren’t the most important qualities to learn.

I do book my son in for activities if I can, but he isn't always a fan. He quit cubs because he hated it. He will always moan because he would rather sit in front of a screen. We kick him out of the house to play every day weather permitting, take him fishing and try and get him involved in cooking. Stuff that adults do that kids don't always do can be appealing sometimes. Sometimes i take him for a run and do weights together.

We just have to put our foot down and stand firm. Once he's doing the activity he says he hates he is fine. You just have to say you may as well do X as you're not watching TV/gaming, so you may as well play out/help cook instead than stare at the wall.

Limit devices to a strict hour per day and he will perk right up. He needs to be out in the real world, exercising, having fun, interacting with people, having new experiences.

If it was me, I would also make that hour conditional on doing 3 activities of his choosing per week.

As others have said, swimming was non-negotiable up to gold survival level. At that point I was happy for DC to go swimming with friends without me. One DS continued with swimming and took up triathlons at uni, the other took up hockey, which he still plays now.
They both did cubs, scouts, explorers and both learnt an instrument and went to Saturday music school. The condition we set was that they had to complete any activity for the period that had been paid but they could let me know at renewal if the didn't want carry on. After some early whinges, they were usually happy to continue.
Findythe right teachers for music helped. One DS did alternate grades on guitar and then had a fun half term between grades. Neither liked having music lessons at school in secondary so I had to pay privately outside school.

I’m a mum of teens and I disagree about making him.

I wouldn’t force him to do something he hates, but if the complaining is because he wants to stay home and watch YouTube then no.

limit screen time every day to so many hours so even on non activity days, screen time ends. Then he’ll be thankful of other things to do. Re the PJs let him until a time then he must get dressed.

my kids have done loads and DD gave it all up, DS gave some up but kept football. DD regrets it now and as an adult has gone back to some things. kids moan if they have to do much with any effort now!

my friends son has given up every activity he’s ever done and is now largely overweight at a very young age. Same reason he couldn’t be bothered!

Letting children have TV and console in their bedroom aged 9 is insanity IMO.

We have a few rules - no TV before 4pm (allowed before breakfast during holidays), no YouTube, 2 hours gaming per week total.

If people come over to play they have to do non screen activity first.

I'm strict but you have to be. My DC are 9 and 11.

One approach might be, I won't force you to do activities, but you can't watch Youtube all day.

The thing is that YouTube and video games are easy, and easy dopamine hits, much easier than putting out an effort in sports or activities, or even with friends. He gets all the rewards those things give - or he feels like he does - and it requires none of the effort.

He'd either find something else to do at home or he'll be more receptive to other things.

That being said - some kids are pretty passive and you might be better off to try and find him some other things to do. I'd think about branching out from sports. Music, art, scouting, whatever.

It's a pretty common experiences for kids to give things up at about that age, and then later at 19 and 20 to really wish they hadn't, especially when they see other kids doing fun or amzaing things because they weren't allowed to fry their brains on screens for 5 years.

I never forced ds to do anything, didn't even make him go to revision sessions at school. He went for swimming lessons for 2 years from being 5 but was never really interested in being involved in sport at all, we aren't a sporty family. He chose to go to choir at primary school but never wanted to go to Cubs or Scouts, we never had enough money to be able to afford paid for activities. Ds is ASD & his time away from school was his time to decompress & relax, he played with Lego, gamed & read, he wasn't a mixer. He went to Young Carers which was free from being 8 - 18, he is now a trustee for the charity, as he got older spent time train spotting & riding on trains. He is at University now, he got involved with the Green Party from being 14 & is a big activist, has a wide circle of friends. It has never held him back not being forced to to extracurricular activities.

I only encourage sports that the kids like

They can try it, if they don't like it, fine.

Mine have tried most stuff - basketball, scouts, tennis and hockey seem to be the favorites

Swimming too, which is an absolute necessity obviously

I think you just have to judge where it's a little bit of discomfort that they will move through, or something that really isn't for them and you should let it go. There was a girl at one of my children's activities who really didn't want to go. Her mother used to tell me she didn't want to do it but "it's so good for them to have an activity". It wasn't fair to her daughter, who looked absolutely miserable and it wasn't fair to the rest of the children who were being held back because they kept having to repeat things everyone else had mastered because she wasn't getting it.
I think screentime limits are a different issue, we don't allow ours to sit and watch YouTube but it doesn't have to be organized activity or TV - they can do other things at home- drawing, cooking, riding bikes, playing ball in the garden?

I think they should enjoy them and want to do them

Too much You Tube and screen time.
Your DS is choosing the lazy route.
Invite more friends over and do not allow them on screens.

Keep up the swimming.
Visit the pool with some little mates too, just for fun and not always lessons.
Visit the beach.
Make and fly kites together.
Cook together. At 9 he should be able to make simple cakes by himself. Ask SD9 to walk down and buy milk etc.
Make your yard more play friendly. Play ball in local park.
Engage in lego together.
Teach and play Monoploy and other board and card games.
All participate in Parkrun.

Active times don't have to be scheluled but having swimming and one other activity booked in is not excessive.
Making his normal, unscheduled life, more incidentally active is one way to include healthy movement and socialisation.
Once his normal life is more active the other scheduled sport will seem less outrageous to him too.

Where as there is a huge contrast (shock to the body) between sitting watching You Tube alone for hours and playing any short social game of sport.

Going to school five days a week is NOT being lazy! For some kids that uses up all of their capacity to socialise, concentrate, learn. I think we push adult schedules and expectations onto our children far too often.

We have a house rule that if my son has a friend round they need to do something for an hour before even talking to me about screens. We don’t have YouTube so it’s Netflix or switch games. My son turns 9 soon and I have a 12 year old who isn’t into gaming. We got a bit spoiled by her so are working out how to structure this for my son who definitely feels the pull more than she does. And never more than an hour on the switch as it makes him cranky to turn it off.

Agree that putting strict limits on screens might solve the problem. My son whines but then he finds a book or whatever.

Maybe he’s just burnt out? He might feel differently if he had some chill out time for a few weeks. New football team sounds good - plus maybe a chilled game with you like checkers/draughts moving onto chess?

My DS (similar age) would go on screens the whole time if we'd let him. He will grumble he is bored, its the only thing he will want to do.

We limit it nonetheless. Youtube is completely banned. He gets 1hr of nintendo switch with his sister on each of saturday & sunday, they do a mix of mario kart & wii sport. On a friday eve he is allowed to go on a tablet for 45 mins while his sister is in a club - usually at least some of that time is spent on a school homework app.

He learns a musical instrument does swimming, another activity & a team sport.

I find i have to simply block access to screens for him to enjoy other things. Some children find screens incredibly addictive & he is one of them. We've tried everything to encourage self regulation but its pointless and does not work so we simply restrict.

Definitely get rid of the screens - really damaging to children.
Drop the swimming if he has reached a good enough level to keep himself safe in the water. (This is what I've done with my children).
Instead of looking for clubs outside the house, maybe look at things he could do within the house such as getting involved in cooking or baking. Then he's having fun/learning life skills but within the house environment. He maybe very different from his older brother/want to do different activities.....

I know where you’re coming from OP. You feel there is more in life than lazing at home watching YouTube and you want your son to experience life! Do you offer eg family bike rides at the weekend, maybe with a treat thrown in like an ice cream or cafe stop? What’s his reaction to that?

have you sat down with him for a heart to heart? If he truly does want to just be at home arr there any long term projects he wants to work on like design something or build something…so it’s not screen time all the time?

my son is a similar age (10.5) and does football (one training session a week and one match usually, which he loves), cubs (great -off to a two night camp soon) and swimming lessons (moans but non negotiable). Every few weeks we do park run. DH and I both do sports requiring commitment and I want the children to see that and really grab all the opportunities they can, esp if it keeps them off screens!

Limit the screen time, and let him decide how to spend his non-screen time.

I grew up with just the family TV, and remember the launch of Channel 4 as the fourth screen option!

I hated clubs, I loved reading. So.i read and read. My brother was into maths problems, not classic literature.

Cut out the screens, and let him decide how to use his time.

He already does two activities. Isn’t that enough? My son has long school days, with lots of homework. He does one sporting extra curricular, and Scouts. He runs around, gets exercise etc at both and sees friends. That’s enough for me, and for him. The weekend, he can stay in his pjs and game/chat with friends, as well as fitting in homework. DH usually gets him out for a bike ride Sunday afternoon.

Come summer, we’re at the beach and DS is thus swimming each day.

Sitting around doing nothing is my favourite pastime!

what is he interested in OP?

We started with a family gym pass in Feb and that’s working well for us. DD goes with me once a week so we get to spend time together and she can increase her confidence and knowledge and she’s goes once sometimes twice a week with friends. DS and I go swimming once a week and he goes the gym 1-2 times a month.

I insist on at least one active extra curricular for my children once they are school age, though it doesn't necessarily have to be sports - for my daughter it was circus school for a while, at another point it was scouts, briefly tried orienteering too. And if they don't like the one they are doing they finish out the term/season and can then try something else.

I think it's very important that children are doing something active regularly for health and fitness but team sports aren't for everyone so if that doesn't work for them then have to find something else. But doing nothing is not an option in my house.

I find it odd that you've had a bit of a hard time on here. It's a very common dilemma... want them to do things, want them to enjoy them, don't want to force them, but a LOT of kids if not 'strongly encouraged' will simply choose to sit at home on screens. It's not a difficult concept to grasp... not all kids are the same, not all kids are able to easily regulate the time they spend online. It's a lot like with food, the folks who say oh it should all be child led, don't make it a battle, let them choose what they eat and how much... clearly have never had a child who would just choose to eat cake non-stop. It's our job as parents to encourage healthy habits, whilst helping them learn what they enjoy and what they might excel at, plus benefiting from the social skills etc.

FWIW I would say you have to do something, you can choose what it is but you have to do something, and if we commit to a term then you stick at it for a term. Screen time would be quite limited at this age, so it isn't that constant crutch that they fall back to fill every empty moment.