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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this disrespectful?

95 replies

Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 14:59

My adult daughter is 21.
As she is quite clearly an adult where she goes and where she stays is not my business but I do expect her to let me know if she is not going to be home that night so I don't worry if she doesn't turn up.

My daughter seems to be kicking back at this and it is making me cross.
Her latest is to answer my text asking if she's home or out that night with emojis which make no sense and then not further answer.

Aibu or do I need to let go?

OP posts:
StormInaDcup99 · 09/04/2025 15:07

This is a safety issue which unfortunately your daughter fails to see.

I must admit at 21, I probably thought that my parents were being a bit controlling when they asked for the same courtesy. Now a lot older, I realise they just loved me and were concerned for my wellbeing

You are 100pc right though....she needs to let you know when she won't be home .....apart from anything else it's basic courtesy and she's being v selfish

Baggyprincess · 09/04/2025 15:13

If she still lives with you then it’s courteous to let you know if she’ll be home that night as well as a matter of safety.

Octavia64 · 09/04/2025 15:15

I’m on the other side.

fgs let go.

Pancakeflipper · 09/04/2025 15:16

It doesn't matter how old you are, - it is courteous and about well-being/safety to have some idea whereabouts (dont need full detail) /when coming home.

Saveafun · 09/04/2025 15:17

I've got sons 24 & 22 . I don't expect all the gory details but they always let me know if they won't be home, just as I let them know when I'm away and roughly when I'll be back.

That's just a common courtesy of living with anyone.

Vitrolinsanity · 09/04/2025 15:18

It is a simple courtesy.

im assuming you just want to know if she will be home, not policing the not being home with.

JMSA · 09/04/2025 15:19

Next time she tries her emoji nonsense, fire back this!

🆕🏠🔑📦🚚👋

Original poster
Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 15:22

Vitrolinsanity · 09/04/2025 15:18

It is a simple courtesy.

im assuming you just want to know if she will be home, not policing the not being home with.

Yes literally just want to know if she is home or staying elsewhere that night.

OP posts:
Halfemptyhalfling · 09/04/2025 15:23

She may not have decided if she is coming or not. You need to know if she is definitely coming for meals and quick things in the freezer for change of plan. I think you can assume she will be ok in general. Perhaps get a pet to keep you company and take your focus away from worrying about her.

Joystir59 · 09/04/2025 15:23

It's common courtesy if you share a household with other adults. But- beyond her letting you know if she's coming home or not you don't need to know anything else.

notatinydancer · 09/04/2025 15:24

I wanted to know so I could lock the door.

Original poster
Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 15:24

Octavia64 · 09/04/2025 15:15

I’m on the other side.

fgs let go.

Genuinely curious.

If they didn't come home for days and you didn't hear from them would you still not worry?

If your husband/partner didn't come home and didn't let you know would you not worry.

I wish so much I was like this and didn't worry.

OP posts:
Watermill · 09/04/2025 15:36

I pointed out to my young adult DC that if they lived with their mate Sam, and were unexpectedly not coming home, they would send Sam a message to make sure they didn’t worry.

They agreed, and the penny dropped that I was asking as a courtesy from one house sharing adult to another, not as their parent.

Original poster
Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 15:37

Halfemptyhalfling · 09/04/2025 15:23

She may not have decided if she is coming or not. You need to know if she is definitely coming for meals and quick things in the freezer for change of plan. I think you can assume she will be ok in general. Perhaps get a pet to keep you company and take your focus away from worrying about her.

I actually have plans myself and she's a nightmare for not taking keys. That's part of the reason I had text in the afternoon.
I would have accepted an I don't know yet but I have my keys reply.

OP posts:
Gogogo12345 · 09/04/2025 15:37

Halfemptyhalfling · 09/04/2025 15:23

She may not have decided if she is coming or not. You need to know if she is definitely coming for meals and quick things in the freezer for change of plan. I think you can assume she will be ok in general. Perhaps get a pet to keep you company and take your focus away from worrying about her.

But she might want to lock the house up if the daughter isn't coming home.

Original poster
Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 15:37

JMSA · 09/04/2025 15:19

Next time she tries her emoji nonsense, fire back this!

🆕🏠🔑📦🚚👋

This made me laugh when I was annoyed so thanks 😂

OP posts:
Gogogo12345 · 09/04/2025 15:39

Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 15:37

I actually have plans myself and she's a nightmare for not taking keys. That's part of the reason I had text in the afternoon.
I would have accepted an I don't know yet but I have my keys reply.

Show quote history

I installed a keysafe due to this. They were younger though. Once they had car keys then house keys went on same ring

Original poster
Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 15:43

Gogogo12345 · 09/04/2025 15:39

I installed a keysafe due to this. They were younger though. Once they had car keys then house keys went on same ring

Show quote history

Actually that's a really good idea thanks!

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 09/04/2025 15:44

Well, both my ExH and I used to work in London.

quite frequently one or other of us would go out for the evening after work, have a few pints either done friends and end up missing the last train and either kipping on someone’s sofa or getting a travel lodge and going to M and s in the morning for a new shirt.

you don’t normally plan to miss the last train but it does happen.

so no, I didn’t worry if he didn’t come home and he didn’t worry if I didn’t come home.

my kids are now young adults, and moved out. They’ve both had times back with me in between flats. I gave them a key.

absolutely didn’t insist on knowing where they were. Many times my DS would go to his mates and it’d get to 2am with them gaming and he’d just kip over there with a sleeping bag.

no, I didn’t worry.

Maray1967 · 09/04/2025 15:49

I expected DS23 (when he was at home after uni) to let us know if he was staying out - and he always did. As he always asked if his GF could come round. If he’d been thoughtless repeatedly as your DD is doing, I would have implemented a simple solution. Bolt on the inside door - because we always use that at night anyway. So key or no key, he would not have been able to get in until I’d decided he’d spent long enough outside…

ItGhoul · 09/04/2025 15:51

This is a safety issue which unfortunately your daughter fails to see.

No, it’s a courtesy issue. Adults who don’t live with their parents aren’t informing anyone when they’re going out and when they’re coming home, and we don’t consider that intrinsically unsafe.

I agree the OP’s daughter should probably just text and say ‘not coming home tonight’ if she decides to stay out, but purely as a courtesy to the people she lives with, not because it’s a necessary safety precaution. It’s not essential, but it’s polite.

Jessica5678 · 09/04/2025 15:52

Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 15:37

I actually have plans myself and she's a nightmare for not taking keys. That's part of the reason I had text in the afternoon.
I would have accepted an I don't know yet but I have my keys reply.

Show quote history

My ten year old can manage to remember keys when leaving the house by themselves so she’s really got no excuse.

Carry with your plans and leave her locked out. When she calls panicking then just ignore the phone and send her some random emojis. Independence works both ways and if she’s going to be all independent then she can figure out googling a locksmith and paying for it, or going to a mate’s until someone else is home.

Brefugee · 09/04/2025 15:57

Our rules were that you let us know if you think you're coming home (so we don't lock up) and the cut off for that was 10pm (which is when i go to bed and lock up)

We didn't charge them to live with us, and therefore the rule was that you would tell us if you weren't coming home for dinner. Otherwise the assumption would be that we would all eat together (they liked that, and their dad's a chef so it was worth their wile). They were free at any time to say "i will cater for myself" which one did prior moving out, to practice cooking etc. In that case they were free to put things on the shopping list within reason, and in fact often cooked for all of us anyway.

Even now they've moved out, we usually know where everyone is and if they got home ok.

Brefugee · 09/04/2025 16:01

Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 15:37

I actually have plans myself and she's a nightmare for not taking keys. That's part of the reason I had text in the afternoon.
I would have accepted an I don't know yet but I have my keys reply.

Show quote history

oh don't worry then. She gets back, you're out and she doesn't have a key.
If she's a quick learner, she'll not forget her keys in future.

If she's a slow learner, she'll have a few hours sitting on the front step wondering why you're replying to her slew of emojs with a load of aubergines. Right?

And then when this is all settled you tell her that you are cohabiting adults and it is courteous to say if you will be in or not. So the key thing doesn't happen and neither worries if the other is dead in a ditch.

Inertia · 09/04/2025 16:01

It won’t take many occasions of her being locked out for her to realise that she needs to communicate like a grownup.