To find this disrespectful?

[Anotherpetalfalls]

My adult daughter is 21.
As she is quite clearly an adult where she goes and where she stays is not my business but I do expect her to let me know if she is not going to be home that night so I don't worry if she doesn't turn up.

My daughter seems to be kicking back at this and it is making me cross.
Her latest is to answer my text asking if she's home or out that night with emojis which make no sense and then not further answer.

Aibu or do I need to let go?

My 18 year old son always texts when his plans change... mum is staying out later don't wait up, mum I'm out for lunch today eat without me, don't make me food etc. He also texts when he leaves work late to let me know he's on his way.
I'd say it's pretty standard respectful behaviour and if there was kick back from a basic request he would be getting an earful from me.

It's not controlling at all, it's basic common courtesy I think and shows a lack of respect. I got locked out once about your daughters age and I had to sleep in the garden on a sun lounger until someone woke up. I don't think I made the same mistake after that.

It's basic manners and your expectation in YOUR house. You're not room mates. Adult children living at home still need to respect the house rules. Don't like it, grow up and move out and do what you like.

Next time she answers with crap, lock and bolt the front door. I'm such a heavy sleeper I wouldn't hear people banging on the door.

I really don't agree with the 'bolt the door!' people.

Even if they did say they were staying out, what if they have a blazing row with the boyfriend at 3am and then can't get in the house because you've bolted it shut?

Plans are so loose at that age; I think trying to pin a young adult down for their lunch, dinner and bedtime plans is a little stifling.

But all the DD needs to do is take her blinking house key with her, then she is set up for all eventualities, or is that too much to expect a young person to manage ?

What about OP and her need to sleep safely at night with her front door locked against burglars, or does the young persons need to be footloose and fancy free top that as well ?

DS19 is not the world’s most organised, but even he manages to take a key most of the time or message us on the rare occasion if he has forgotten it to leave the door unlocked.

I clearly wrote "as long as there is no other shared responsibility".
So yeah, if he is back midday and I had plans while he was in charge of DCs I'd be pissed.

In any other case? No.

He regularly goes out with friends and does not report to me about place/time.
I am not his mum and he is not 14.

I simply do not want to live in a relationsgip where other is tied with umbilical cord at all times.

It depends whether it’s for a practical reason. My mother needed to know whether to double lock the door or not so I was supposed to tell her if I wasn’t coming home. I was a complete cow about it and it very much impacted our already horrible relationship. Im
wondering now if a way around it would have been to get another “big key” cut, or whether that wound have meant her surrendering her control.

Nonsense, if your husband said he was going out for a couple of hours and you still hadn’t heard from him 12+ hours later you would definitely be annoyed / raging

Can you really not imagine partnerships where people trust each other?

If one of us goes out after work, another one is not looking where said person is untill morning when DCs need attention. Hence 7am "rule" or notification required.
I'd say we have nights out that easily stretch to 2-3am monthly, less to 7 bcs we both work.
Not like we would spend quality time together if someone is back at midnight opposed to 2am isn't it?
So there is no point in checking.

So you wouldn’t be at all concerned that something bad had happened to them if the said they were going out for a couple of drinks (2-3hrs) and didn’t return for 12+ hours with no contact in between

👍🏻🤣🤣🤣

Well, if you're not home and she doesn't have her keys, that's a HER problem, not a YOU problem. She'll have to shimmy a drain pipe, hide the key in a safe place, or wait.

But stop asking her.

Either stop worrying about her being able to get in or not, or tell her the condition of her continuing to live at your house is to text you if she's not coming home (otherwise you will assume she is and will call the police in the morning if she's not there).

Absolutely. She’s being immature.

Well there's an easy solution to this. Your house, your rules. I don't understand why so many people let their kids walk all over them. Do them a favour and put down some boundaries

I always gave my parents an approximate time I was due home, or let them know if I wasn't back at all, even when I lived at home for a short period in my late 20s. It's basic respect, and I'll expect the same from my dds. It's so easy these days, 10 seconds to send a text, in the olden days I had to find a payphone!

Disrespectful. You write that she is an adult but she is clearly not.

When I lived at home in my 20s, the deal was I would always text my mum to let her know if I wasn’t coming home. She would see the text either before she went to bed or if she woke during the night and have peace of mind.

if your daughter doesn’t like that very simple rule, she can move out…

No bcs I would:
A) not get an update on amount of drinks he will have. It is along the line: I am to a pub with friends after work/after dinner. So I do not assume he will be home at certain point.
B) bcs point 1 I do not stress what could have happened to him. He could get hurt on his way to a pub all the same and I would be clueless.
C) If he gets hurt he can let me know. If he is in a state he cannot communicate, there is no way for me to find out what happened to him isn't it?
Or would you expect me to panick,drag all the children out of the house at let's say 1am and take them to central London in a hope I will by some mad chance trip over the crime scene and get his exact location from attending officers?

He is an adult. I am as well.
Yes, there is alway a possibility of someone getting hurt but it is (in our oppinion) for a variety of real life reasons worth stressing about. Once one of us is out the other one enjoys some quieter evening with DCs and does something for fun or to relax at home.
And another person does not have a rope around a neck and constant need to update or text and get out of the enjoyment.
Bliss.

as a family we have always from a safety point of view indicated when we would be home. that includes us as parents even before the kids were adults. it has always just been a way of life. I still do it now. if travelling back from one of the children I always just message to say Im back home and they do the same.. if she doesnt want you to do this then dont. and if she forgets her key and ends up on the doorstep then she will have to contact you wont she.

Seen your update re bolt. I’d turn it back on her. Say from x date you’ll lock and bolt door when you go to bed at x time. If she’s let you know before then she’s coming back then you’ll leave bolt off if not you assume she’s staying out. So you aren’t constantly texting her to ask.