To find this disrespectful?

[Anotherpetalfalls]

My adult daughter is 21.
As she is quite clearly an adult where she goes and where she stays is not my business but I do expect her to let me know if she is not going to be home that night so I don't worry if she doesn't turn up.

My daughter seems to be kicking back at this and it is making me cross.
Her latest is to answer my text asking if she's home or out that night with emojis which make no sense and then not further answer.

Aibu or do I need to let go?

There are all sorts of things 10yos can manage that they seem incapable off in their teens and early 20s. Smugness will come back to bite you 🤣

Also you really think you'd leave your daughter out on the street at night to teach a lesson. Really?

YANBU. I shared a house with my best friend when we were in our early twenties and we’d let each other know if we weren’t coming home. It wasn’t a control thing, it was just a) safety, and b) common courtesy.

Well if she’s old enough to be this independent she’s old enough to sort something out if she ends up locked out. I wouldn’t be bending my plans around an adult who can’t take keys out.

Oh please do this OP

@Anotherpetalfalls I understand why you texted her to ask, but from her point iof view, you are treating her like a child!

I think it would help if you have a keysafe for a spare key, to solve one problem. I would also sit her down to talk and agree that you won't text her, if she promises that she will let you know, if she isn't coming home, so that you don't worry about her. That's a common courtesy between adults living in the same house.

Agree with everyone else, it's a simple courtesy. I have children in their early 20s living at home either full time or uni vacations, they will always text to say if they are staying out, or if they are bringing a friend home, or if plans have changed.

I don't think it is general courtesy between adults living together, when I was in my twenties and living in house shares I didn't text my housemates if I'd decided to stay out. I would text my parents' because they liked to double lock the door from inside when the last person went to bed. I would sometimes say I'm going to a friend's then get there, plans would change I'd end up in a club and come home at 4am. They didn't think I was dead, just living my life.
If you need to lock up it's reasonable, otherwise leave her be, she could be living alone at this age and you'd have no idea what she was doing

The daughter is 21 - well past any teenage stuff. Please don’t tell me any adult without special needs can’t be responsible for taking and using a key, I don’t believe it. The infantilisation of grown adults is ridiculous.

And I’d teach her a lesson that I’m just as independent and not answerable to anyone as she is, yes. I doubt very much she’d be on the street - if she’s staying out regularly she clearly has friends. Or she can call a locksmith. Or she can behave responsibly in the first place and take a key and communicate courteously with the person she lives with.

For me it's courtesy.
I like to know who is in my home, who is expected to come in when I am in bed, who I can expect to see in the morning.
If I hear movement in the house at 3am then I will know if it's DS1 or something to be concerned about (yes, there is a small chance I still need to be concerned even if I know DS1 is coming home very late, but you'd never sleep if you had that frame of mind).
As well as wanting this for myself and my home, I am teaching my two sons to respect those around them.

I think that's a bit different. Did each bedroom have a lock? Also, I think in a house share of young adults the default is probably that someone is coming home in the early hours; there's just general more coming and going in a house share.

Dd always let's me know........Its common courtesy!
If she changes her plans she will text me at all hours......my phone is on silent but I would then be aware in the morning that she wasn't home......or she might text me to say her plans had changed and that her boyfriend had stayed over.....

But you would not know if she was staying out all night for eg, if she didn’t live at home, and it’s the sense of being accountable to one’s mum that is intolerable at 21. You need to let go

If she's old enough to stay out, she's old enough to remember her keys. Personally I would lock her out if she can't be courteous. Actions, or lack thereof, have consequences, at her age, she should already have learnt this lesson.

Common courtesy. Not unreasonable to want to know who is actually in house overnight - if there’s a fire do you tell fire brigade there may be a dd trapped in bed 3 or maybe not?
Shame you don’t have a bolt or chain. My grandad used to bolt door on my uncle, he slept in greenhouse once.
It’s probably a sign she’s ready to move out if pushing back on this.

But if she didn't live here I would be able to lock the front door, put the bolt on and go to bed without worrying about her being locked out, someone else getting in the house of whatever.

When she's living alone she can do what she wants.

YANBU OP, it’s manners and common courtesy to let someone know.
You don’t need every detail but to know if they’re coming home, bringing anyone etc doesn’t take much effort.

In future I’d send one text, then continue with your plans to go out / go to bed. If they can’t get in, tough shit, only themselves to blame.

I think this is your answer then. Just tell her unless she lets you know she’ll be home you’re bolting the door when you go to bed.

You’re her mother, not her flatmate.

If she doesn’t want to live with her mum, with all the benefits that brings her, she can move out.

Otherwise, she can have the courtesy and respect to let her mother know if she’ll be home of an evening.

@@Jessica5678 I agree with all that you have said 💯 I wouldn’t be fannying around with key safes and things. My friends have one of these, who, as a household are useless with keys. They usually get the key out to get in and then it stays in the house anyway because they forget to put it back 🤦🏻‍♀️

But if she wasn’t living at home you wouldn’t know if she didn’t go home to that place at night either so at some point when she moves out you won’t be able to tell if she is tucked up in bed or not each night

If she goes out without her keys that’s her loss, she’s an adult she can figure a way out of it….same as if she wasn’t living at home and she lost her keys to that other place she would have to work something out then too…..she might learn a lesson from it then

if you have a bolt inside your door, then faffing about (forking out) for a keysafe is moot.

Although, what if you are out and she is in and bolts it "by accident" even though you have told her you will be out?

No each room didn't have a lock and I agree it's different, but that's why I think it's disingenuous to say it's common courtesy as adults sharing a property to say what time you'll be home if there is no locking up/security need to do so

Or on the other hand the daughter could "let go" and stop living with her mummy.

Ah OK, I think people are using 'home' to mean a family home, especially as we are discussing (or at least it started off as) an adult child staying with their parents in the family home.

Yabu and need to let it go. She's an adult.