Page 3 | To find this disrespectful?

Anotherpetalfalls · 2025-04-09T13:59:01+00:00

My adult daughter is 21. As she is quite clearly an adult where she goes and where she stays is not my business but I do expect her to let me know if she is not going to be home that night so I don't worry if she doesn't turn up. My daughter seems to be kicking back at this and it is making me cross. Her latest is to answer my text asking if she's home or out that night with emojis which make no sense and then not further answer. Aibu or do I need to let go?

Katemax82 · 09/04/2025 17:32

Reply to the emoji texts with "some words would be nice"

ginasevern · 09/04/2025 17:34

RedHelenB · 09/04/2025 17:22

Yabu and need to let it go. She's an adult.

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Except she really isn't. You can't call yourself a fully fledged adult whilst still living under your parents' roof. I expect they pay all the bills, cook her food, do nice little things to make her life easier etc. Life isn't a one way street. There are rules, or at least expectations, no matter where you live. Even in a houseshare with a bunch of other young people. There's no such thing as total freedom. But she's not going to find that out whilst living comfortably with her mother is she. Time she did me thinks.

Original poster

Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 18:19

Brefugee · 09/04/2025 17:10

if you have a bolt inside your door, then faffing about (forking out) for a keysafe is moot.

Although, what if you are out and she is in and bolts it "by accident" even though you have told her you will be out?

At least with a key safe there would be a key for her to get in and I would at least be able to go to bed with one lock on without having to stay up waiting to let her in not knowing if she is actually coming I suppose.
It wouldn't solve the bolt issue though obviously.

OP posts:

rookiemere · 09/04/2025 18:22

I would stop asking and start telling.
”DD I am going out tonight, back late and front door will be locked.” Or stop telling her what you are doing - if she isn’t prepared to extend this courtesy then why should you.

Instigate a new rule, door is locked when you go to bed. Unfortunately you do need to take the key out so she can get in if she has one, but don’t let her in straight away if she starts ringing middle of the night.

bettydavieseyes · 09/04/2025 18:24

My DD is 21. I say send me a text love if you aren't coming home or I'll worry about you. Its a respect thing. She has always had lots of freedom but if she's at my house I just want to know she's safe if she stays out. This is normal and not controlling or weird. If she's at her uni accommodation then I wouldn't know her night movements and that's something I can cope with as she's an adult.

Brefugee · 09/04/2025 19:03

Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 18:19

At least with a key safe there would be a key for her to get in and I would at least be able to go to bed with one lock on without having to stay up waiting to let her in not knowing if she is actually coming I suppose.
It wouldn't solve the bolt issue though obviously.

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you're nicer than me - I'd let her sit on the step or find alternative arrangements. It would only happen once.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/04/2025 19:28

Just lock the door and tell her to remember her key. I’m just not seeing the issue unless it’s not about the locks and it’s about wanting her to tell you if she’s staying out for other reasons. If that’s the case then tell us that and maybe people can help.

user2848502016 · 09/04/2025 19:32

I think she should let you know if she’s going to be out all night because it’s a safety issue. Like I wouldn’t randomly decide to stay over somewhere and not let DH know because he’d be worried

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 09/04/2025 19:36

I would find this really hurtful. I also need to know if DS, (who is in his 20s) is coming home at night or staying out, so that I can put the extra lock on. I agree it is disrespectful of her to not tell you and behave like you are out of order for asking.

Loopytiles · 09/04/2025 19:38

She’s being very rude and it’s your house.

When I lived at home at that age it was Mum’s rules or ship out!

I’d not be installing a key box thing. If she forgets her key and is inconvenienced she’ll learn.

It’s not a safety issue, since someone knowing you’re due home doesn’t stop anything bad happening, just means you’d find out a bit sooner.

Loopytiles · 09/04/2025 19:40

I lived with housemates who’d let each other know if we wouldn’t be back, also one or two who didn’t want to do that, i personally preferred the former and would require this of adult DC living at mine, could live fine with either in a rented or their house though.

ConnieSlow · 09/04/2025 19:42

@Octavia64well aren’t you and your dh cool for not giving a shit if each of you didn’t come home at night.

in the real world, people who live together should extend courtesy to others by letting them know. Especially a mother worried about her child!

LondonFox · 09/04/2025 19:48

Pancakeflipper · 09/04/2025 15:16

It doesn't matter how old you are, - it is courteous and about well-being/safety to have some idea whereabouts (dont need full detail) /when coming home.

Nope it is controling.
I had same conversation with my now DH when we started dating and told him that under any pressure I will not report my schedule when I have a night out to him.
There was some fuss but once you turn 18 there is no need to report if you will be home by 11, 1 or 7 am and why plans have changed.
Unless other person is waiting for you to take over some responsibility like newborn feeding etc.

livelovelough24 · 09/04/2025 20:05

I just had this conversation with my 20yo daughter. She is the same, very bad at communicating. I absolutely want/need her to let me know where she is going, who with and when/if she is coming home. First of all, it is a matter of respect and courtesy; we are a family that lives together and should know what each of us is up to, but also safety.If something happened to her, how would I know to report it if I had no idea where she is supposed to be. Secondly, I need to know when I am cooking dinner if I should include her (or her BF which she frequently drags along) and most importantly, I need to know what time she will come home or if she will come at all so that I can fall asleep or not. The things is, I worry and cannot sleep if I do not know that she is safe, also, when she gets home she wakes me up and I cannot fall asleep for hours. I absolutely expect the same from my partner btw.

Boredlass · 09/04/2025 20:10

When I was that age, there were no mobile phones and in fact, my parents didn’t even have a phone. We all survived. She’s an adult and you need to unclench

Smartiepants79 · 09/04/2025 20:19

As she is apparently an adult, maybe she’d like to try behaving like one.
Start taking her own keys- how many times will she need to be locked out for that penny to drop.
Let the person she is living with know if she is not coming home - it’s so bloody rude not to.
Currently she is behaving like a immature teenager.
It actually doesn’t matter if other people wouldn’t be bothered. It bothers her mum, who she’s supposed care about. Why would you purposely cause that person more stress.
Is she living rent free also by any chance?

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/04/2025 21:10

I would’ve hated this when I was 21 but I avoided it by moving out at 18 and not going back. I don’t have a bad relationship with my mum btw, I’d just hate to have to let her know what I was doing every night.

YANBU - if she doesn’t like it she should move out.

Original poster

Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 21:55

LondonFox · 09/04/2025 19:48

Nope it is controling.
I had same conversation with my now DH when we started dating and told him that under any pressure I will not report my schedule when I have a night out to him.
There was some fuss but once you turn 18 there is no need to report if you will be home by 11, 1 or 7 am and why plans have changed.
Unless other person is waiting for you to take over some responsibility like newborn feeding etc.

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Do you mean if you have a planned night out you wouldn't tell him if you would be home that night or not or are you saying you wouldn't even tell him you were going on a night out in the first place?

So if you decided to go on a weekend away you'd just say nothing and leave after work and come back three days later?

Or am I misunderstanding?

OP posts:

LondonFox · 09/04/2025 22:04

Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 21:55

Do you mean if you have a planned night out you wouldn't tell him if you would be home that night or not or are you saying you wouldn't even tell him you were going on a night out in the first place?

So if you decided to go on a weekend away you'd just say nothing and leave after work and come back three days later?

Or am I misunderstanding?

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I am providing aproximate info.
Along the way:
I am going to a pub with friends, I'll probably be home after it is shut unless we decide to go somewhere after.

And after that I would not text when I plan to get back.
I sometimes do text to ask about DCs, especially if one is sick or somwthing but try to enjoy my time off.
Obviously if it is his work day I'd let him know if I am still out at 5am so he knows I'd be back by idk 8 and he can leave.

But I do not do that thing of: in seven days I will go out at 5 and get back at 10 and if I don't I'll need to remind myself to text you about it. And as some do - appologise for not ariving at time I specified earlier although there is no plan to hang or something after I get back

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 22:18

LondonFox · 09/04/2025 19:48

Nope it is controling.
I had same conversation with my now DH when we started dating and told him that under any pressure I will not report my schedule when I have a night out to him.
There was some fuss but once you turn 18 there is no need to report if you will be home by 11, 1 or 7 am and why plans have changed.
Unless other person is waiting for you to take over some responsibility like newborn feeding etc.

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I doubt very much that if your husband regularly went out for a couple of drinks and then rocked up at 7/8/9/ 10 or even midday the next day you wouldn’t have any issue with it …..nonsense

autisticbookworm · 09/04/2025 22:20

I would say in person, let me know be 9pm if you are planning on coming home. If you don’t I will assume you are staying out and will bolt the door. Then I’d put my phone on silent for bed. She will only screw up once.

Ineffable23 · 09/04/2025 22:20

When I shared a house with friends we let each other know if we were going to be home at night. It's not a parent thing, it's a living with others thing.

We also made sure others knew if we were going to be in for dinner or not (or if there were going to be extras for dinner). It's just basic courtesy.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/04/2025 22:22

Our youngest, 22, lives with us. He always lets us know if he’s going to be here overnight or not: common courtesy.

Iwannakeepondancing · 09/04/2025 22:22

She sounds very immature. If she’s living with you the I’d have a serious chat about safety and respect.

Gogogo12345 · 09/04/2025 22:28

insomniaclife · 09/04/2025 16:32

But you would not know if she was staying out all night for eg, if she didn’t live at home, and it’s the sense of being accountable to one’s mum that is intolerable at 21. You need to let go

If you wanted to bolt up the doors for the night then you need to know if someone is returning to your house. If they were at their own house then no need to know.

I don't ask my DS 21 if he's staying out all night when he's at his own home as it doesn't affect me in the slightest. I do ask him if he's at mine so I know not to put chain and bolt on front door

Simple as that