For not wanting my children to ‘learn’ Christianity?

[AmusedLemur]

I use learn loosely, I don’t mean learn, I mean be spoken to about God as if it is fact, when I myself do not believe.

context

I am an atheist. My husband was raised by a very catholic family, however he himself is not a practicing catholic (he doesn’t attended church, never prays, etc)

He says he does believe in a God, but it’s not something he lives his life by / he thinks about too regularly.

This has never been an issue for us because mainly we’re on the same page. Yes he will take his mother and father to church on Christmas Eve, but that is as about as religious as he gets.

Let me preface this by saying I have an amazing relationship with his family. I love them. We got married in a church to please them, and when we had our baby (Gia - 2) we got her Christened so they wouldn’t worry.

I have no problem with them talking about their love for God in front of me or anything like that. But, Gia is now of an age where she is taking things in. And they tell her that God is the reason she is here, to be thankful for him, he gave her life and everything she has. More has been said, but I’m not there when it is, so I’m not entirely sure what.

For a 2 year old, she obviously believes when her Grandmother tells her this and so comes home and asks me if I’ve thanked God, tells me she loves him, and so on and so forth.

I don’t want to correct Gia by saying God isn’t real, because it’s her choice to believe. But am I being unreasonable by not wanting my in laws to teach her that God is real from such a young age?

If it helps OP I was your daughter in this situation and it in no way impacted my ability to make my own decision about God/religion. It's nice to understand it and have the shared culture with that side of my family but I don't believe in a God or structured religion.
If I was you I'd let it be for now, you can teach her what you believe and he can do the same and she can know that not all people believe the same and make her own mind up.

I mean my parents did the same (as have about 85% of the parents I know) and there’s never been an issue 🤣

If you don’t believe, it’s just words. And my in laws were well aware of that. They were just happy that she had been saved.

It's sorta humouros that the parents of a child named Gia (guy-ah?) wouldn't want her to be introduced to the notion of god lol. Unless it's said jeeh-ah I suppose.

*Edit, just a quick Google also shows it to literally mean 'god is gracious'.

What values are you bringing up your child with? I’d rather be living by Christian values than ones of deceit and hypocrisy. I feel sorry for your in-laws.

as mentioned, I have no issue with religion and so the meaning of the name really did not worry me.
Gia like Gianna

I think your mistake was getting married in church - to please them, as well as christening DD - to please them.

Firstly, it's not healthy to be doing things you don't agree with solely to please your parents. You and DH are both adults. You are choosing the way you want to raise your daughter yourself. His parents had their choice in the way they did it, and your DH decided it wasn't for him and wanted to do things a different way. So why go with the church wedding and the christening? All that's done is make them think he believes in it all, on the quiet. And that it's you who has made him say he is an atheist.

We were in exactly the same situation. We chose not to get married in church as it is not our belief. DH was a total atheist from very young despite being brought up as a strict Catholic. Nor did we christen our kids. In fact I went to a Catholic christening of our niece and was horrified at the wording of it so it really affirmed my choice that I was right. I'm sure PILs are disappointed, but they've never said anything. I don't think they ever spoke about God as fact to our kids in front of me and DH though.

Your 2 year old has no real belief, she isn't choosing to believe or not believe at this age. Alll she's doing is taking them at their word. When my kids were very young and said the odd thing about God to me I'd just say "Yes, some people including Nan and Grandad believe X actually happened blah blah. Others think they are just stories which teach us things." When they asked what I thought, I would just be non-committal while they very young and say "I'm not sure, what do YOU think?" and after a couple of years they'd just tell me themselves that they didn't believe because it just made no sense to them.

Yeah I mean I think you're getting a bit of a hard time. It was nice of you to christen your child to ease your parents mind.

But I mean I still think the name thing is odd. Like a 3 second search would tell you it has religious symbolism. Even if you liked the sound of it, surely it's strange to pick something that gives glory to something you don't believe in.

Would be like a Christian naming their kid Muhammad.

“They were just happy that she had been saved.”

My MIL was so stressed about my kids not being christened that in the end I acquiesced. She even thought about having them christened without my knowledge!

I think it's even stranger she's telling Mumsnet and the Daily Mail about that unusual name she gave her kid and the situation with the God-thumping grandmother.

But, as they say, today's Daily Mail sidebar IS tomorrow's fish supper wrapper.

'It's just words.' Not to people who believe. It's the core of their world view and how they live their lives. Do you know just how dismissive and callous 'It's just words' sounds to them?

I have a Protestant faith that wavers between bursts of doubt and mediocre conviction. My DD was not christened as a baby because we (me and lapsed Catholic DH) wanted the decision to be hers, although she and I went to church together when she was small and talked about faith when she was a teenager. At university, she was baptised and is now closely involved with an evangelical church in her university city.

If your DD grows up as an atheist, you may be having an interesting conversation with her about what led you to have her marked with the sign of the cross when you think it's a load of rubbish.

TBH, I think it's disrespectful to those that believe to get married in a church "just cos it's pretty" and to have a christening "for the party". While I'm an atheist I respect other people's religions and treating it like a day out is a bit shit, really. There are plenty of different pretty wedding venues these days, and you can have a birthday party instead of a christening. I find it all quite a distasteful way of approaching things. When you're standing saying religious vows and it means nothing to you...Surely it's better to say non-religious vows and have them truly mean something?

Can I also re express my husband does believe? And getting married in a church and christening her was also something he thought was nice?

I am not her only parent.

Yes it was not that serious for me, but it was special to him. Our issue (as we both agree) is with her being spoken to as if it is fact.

I have no issue with religion - I have issue with her grandparents teaching her it at an impressionable age as I believe that is something me and DH should navigate in time.

“Because it meant a lot to your grandmother”

Gia is really not that rare? I know of two others just in my general area!

You’re overthinking this

No one prefaces everything they say with ‘I believe that’ or ‘in my opinion’

Dozens of people will share their views as fact as she grows up. Very likely she will hear many more atheists, agnostics and people of other faiths, as well as Christians

It’s a life lesson that you don’t need to agree with everyone or everything they say (including your own parents!) but be open-minded and make your own decisions about what you believe

She will see and hear things from different points of view and will make her own choices, in faith and everything else

Kind but weak, I'm afraid. My mother-in-law, a forceful and difficult woman, was determined DD was going to have a dummy. I was determined she was not. She didn't have one, because I am the mother.

Oh, yes, I can see the similarity.

My point is about parental authority, not about comparing faith with dummies.

Yes!! Of course any atheist would be glad that their child was told that god wasn’t real! Because ‘he’ isn’t! That’s the very definition of an atheist 🤦‍♀️

And how on earth do you get that ‘teaching that god isn’t real is the same as teaching that ‘he’ is real’??? 😱

Yes, I appreciate if you don't mean what you say, it's just words. However there's a lesson about integrity, too. And choosing to only say what you mean.

Your daughter has been baptised a catholic. You are going to raise her as an atheist. To be honest, she's going to need to be taught everything/both sides in able to make an informed decision, as her mum's love for a party came first!!

No, your point was that it was going to be an ‘interesting (perhaps difficult?.) conversation’. It really isn’t going to be.

I can’t speak for the OP, but my MIL genuinely fretted about her grandchildren not being christened. I refused, and eventually, when I knew she was STILL fretting, I acquiesced. Half an hour, job done, all 3 done at once. Just with the few people that cared. I’m pretty sure I won’t go to hell for it. Because it doesn’t exist.

”Because it meant a lot to your grandmother” may be kind, and weak. But it’s the truth. And a very uninteresting (and short) conversation.

I honestly don’t think I could do right for wrong in this scenario.

Either I did what I did which makes me a lying hypocrite????

Or I don’t christen her and I’m evil and condemning her to hell in my MIL’s eyes.

You just have to pick which one of you goes to hell I guess.

You could always have told your MiL to perform the baptism herself over the kitchen sink.

No need to involve priests or ministers or stand up in front of a bunch of people making a promise you have absolutely no intention of keeping.

Wait! What? That is a legit option? Damn…..