Am I being unreasonable for wanting my friends to choose a more central meeting place?

[Twinklebird]

Myself and my friends all live very far away from each other. Meet ups are nice but only 2-3 times per year. We normally meet in an area that is fairly equidistant for the furthest people including me.
The next meet up is to mark an occasion. Just a day trip. They have chosen a fancy place that is much nearer for everyone but much further for me. I never minded travel but just feel totally excluded. I would love a meet up but it just feels impossible. Do I suck it up and travel or stay home and miss out.
AIBU and how do I put my point across? All advice welcome.

Presumably if they all have small families then they've also had to travel at some times and leave small babies? Or have they taken the babies with them?

A very tiny baby is a reasonable reason not to go though.

So usually they all travel much further than they need to to meet up to accommodate you. On this one occasion you're being asked to travel further, how can you possibly think that's unreasonable?

Can you go by train?

Can you stay overnight?

Can you just opt out this time?

It sounds like they usually all travel further to accommodate you & for this one meet up they prefer to go to this particular place. Do you ever organise the meet ups? It’s hard keeping everyone happy.

Surely with group meet ups despite the best planning there is often going to be a date or venue that someone can’t manage? Whether that is they can’t manage from the start or something crops up after the arrangements have been made, that’s just life.
This time it’s you that the arrangements don’t work for, it’s not really the difference between 2 or 3 hrs travelling is it, it’s because of your new baby. Just bow out gracefully, they can have a meet up that’s more convenient for the majority and you can suggest somewhere for the next meet up and look forward to that.

As others have said it seems like everyone normally travels further to take your distance into consideration. Is it possible they thought you will probably decline anyway with a new baby and as such are making it closer to every1 else? You also haven't said if its a particular venue they are going to rather than just a restaurant etc. I would skip it sorry guys too far for me and baby see you at next catch up

It's for a friends 40th. She doesn't know about it. I have often made a longer journey to meet them too. I will happily do so, especially when others have had the smallest baby. No I haven't arranged big meet ups. I spent a lot of time researching accommodation for our last big meet up although we went with a different option which was fine. I would have made a 2 hour journey no problem. I do try to arrange smaller 1-1 meet ups where possible.

So in reality then everyone else has always done much longer trips because you live much further away than the rest of the group. They can’t always plan around you as the outlier distance wise

I wouldn’t go. They’re not wrong for booking this place but they should understand that you won’t always be able to make it if they choose somewhere far.

How would they react if you suggested somewhere closer to you for the next trip? That would tell me a lot about what kind of friends they are.

They probably thought you wouldn’t make it anyway with such a small baby.

Unfortunately if they all live close, I don’t think it’s unreasonable of them to sometimes schedule meet ups with less traveling, it’s just a price you pay for living further away. Maybe the place selected is somewhere known to be a favourite of the birthday girl. Just sit this one out with your apologies.

Then it should be somewhere that's close to your friend.

Everyone else has previously been putting themselves out to meet you half-way, making longer journeys so that you can make a shorter one. You aren't even the one putting yourself out to make arrangements. One - one! - event, for someone else's birthday, is being arranged somewhere that's presumably convenient for the birthday girl, and you're moaning about 'feeling excluded'?!

You really can't expect everyone else to always add a load of time to their journeys just so yours can be a bit shorter. If the journey's too much, decline the invitation and say you're really sorry but three hours is too far for you to a day trip but you hope everyone has a lovely time.

What is stopping you from sitting this one out? Is it -

FOMO
Sense of loyalty
Concern about what they will think

I think a lot of us, me included go to great lengths to meet up when deep down we would love to get out of it! I've developed a thick skin by now and only go when it's easy to get to and enjoyable company. I excuse myself from the rest.

Don't put yourself under pressure if you don't want to go. I wouldn't in your shoes TBH. But I'd send some flowers to the Birthday Girl, together with a whatsapp to your group similar to the one suggested by @JazzHandsYeah above.

I really want to go that's the thing. Its been a very challenging few weeks (that's a whole other story but my friends are aware of it) and some normal conversation and a laugh would be lovely.
When we me meet normally this is very close for quite a lot of the group. Nobody is travelling huge distances. I'm not the only one with a long journey but it is very fair. Nobody is travelling extra accommodate me. I have made the long journey far more than some.
This venue means travelling extra than normal for some of the group but it is still doable. Its just way off the beaten track for me. I can't help but feel hurt and excluded whether its intentional or not. I genuinely don't know whether to suck it up and go or just stay home. I would have liked to show off my new baby like everyone else got to do. I missed the last meet up too as it just wasn't doable with what they chose/suited them.

Go. The fact you didn't go last time has possibly influenced the venue this time. If they think you may not go they may well have decided to make the place as convenient as possible for the majority.

If it’s for your friend’s 40th, is it somewhere she wants to go/somewhere near where she is? If so, I think YABU. And it’s not about showing off your baby, no matter how much you’d like to - it’s an occasion/event for her!

It's not about you though, it's about her 40th so you should make the effort

This.

I don't think YABU exactly if you aren't prepared to travel 3 hours for a good friend 40th when it's an hour for everyone else..

Be prepared for her to know where she stands with you. Will it damage the friendship?

You say you all live far away from one another but then that they all live within an hour of a certain location and you live three hours away. Why is that? Did you move away from the group?

I can kind of understand that multiple people travelling less than an hour and one travelling further makes more sense than everyone else having to travel further so you don't have to.

A 6hr round trip - by car? - with a new (EBF?) baby. By train - still prob no. It's really an overnight trip. If you're happy to stay at a travelodge with DC then maybe.
IMO I'd send my apologies and maybe you can meet somewhere better suited to all next time.

I imagine that it you didn’t go last time maybe they didn’t expect you to this time. I don’t know that a 40th is the right time to show off a baby? I don’t think I would expect a baby to be there (unless it is usually a mix of parents/babies/kids). That would be fine to take a baby if it’s family glamping but if it’s girls grown up drinks & nice food type weekend then I don’t know I would want a baby there. That’s not personal to you but maybe they feel the same way?

You definitely don't need to feel bad about missing this one. If you want to go, you can make it work (stay overnight if necessary).
Yes you can be miffed that it's not closer but it's not a general meetup, it's a surprise? 40th for one of the individuals so it makes sense it would be closer to her.

If you feel you'd like to see them closer to you say so, make it happen. If you feel a bit lonely and like you're missing adult conversation say so. Maybe a zoom chat like during lockdown? Not the same but better than feeling totally out of the loop.

Congratulations

Really if normally you're meeting somewhere that takes your friends up to 90 minutes to get there, but the current venue all are under an hour, then they accommodating you most of the time.
If you want to keep the friendship going then acknowledging this could be quite important. They are, presumably because your friendship is important to them, normally happy to travel an extra 30+ minutes.

This time it's for someone's birthday, so they've chosen somewhere close to them. You have to decide whether you either sit it out with a light excuse (perfectly reasonable), go and suck up the extra time (perfectly reasonable), or have a sulk and try and get them to change venue, which may well make them wonder why they're putting effort into making it easier for you most of the time.

With your updates, feel for you, but YABU.

Sounds like they all live much closer to each other than you do - is this because you moved further away? If so it sounds like they have been accommodating you in the past by travelling further than they needed to. So just send a nice gift and say you can't make it this time. No big deal, and I'm sure it wasn't meant as a personal slight as you seem to be making it!

But this is someone’s 40th birthday. It’s about them not you.

Of course the venue should be centred around the person having their birthday. Either somewhere closer to them or special to them. Why on earth do you think that anyone planning their birthday (or someone planning a surprise party) should book a venue easier for a guest to attend than for the person whose party it is?

It’s like getting a wedding invitation in the post and complaining that someone hasn’t factored you in when considering the wedding location.

Why are you making this about you?

Others have also pointed out that it sounds like everyone regularly travels that little bit further so you have less far to go. That’s really lovely of them. This time it’s someone’s birthday and so the location is and absolutely should be chosen for their convenience and enjoyment. As they often make the effort to accommodate you I’d say you should probably reciprocate. But equally it’s perfectly fine to decline. What it isn’t acceptable to do is complain about it or them!

It’s a long trip and you have a small baby, and so you have to decide whether to do it in a day, book somewhere to stay overnight or don’t go. All those options are absolutely ok, but it’s completely unfair of you to turn this into something about you and how they are not considerate of your needs.

As a one-off, and for a special occasion, I’d go with it, especially if it’s a special venue. For regular meet-his, then maybe worth mentioning.