I would be an idiot to message right

[OneSparklyExpert]

had a brief relationship with a man which ended in a child being born. He cut me off and when the baby was born I messaged his mum and sister on Facebook. Mum blocked me and sister was initially interested but than went dead due to her mental health (think she had a relationship break down).
Anyway I ended by giving my email address and deleting my Facebook account.
For the last week I've had a desire to message her again. Not sure why.
Bad idea right? I've never meet her btw.

Message if you want but it doesn’t sound like anybody is interested. Blocking you speaks volumes - they don’t care that their son/brother has ‘abandoned his child’, they don’t care about you, they don’t care about the child. If they did, they would’ve kept the lines of communication open. Move on.

OP, you’re engaged, happily or??
What do you actually want from his sister? If I was you I would enjoy my baby and fiancé and move on.

If he and his family indicated they didn’t want contact with his child, then I certainly wouldn’t try to force it.

You had a baby from a fling with a man whose family you don’t know. What do you actually think your child will gain from messaging a woman you don’t know and have never even met, and whose mental health is apparently fragile?

It’s pretty obvious (even if you don’t see it yourself) that the reason you’re considering messaging his sister is that you hope you can use her to reach your baby’s father. It’s not going to work. Your baby’s father doesn’t want to be with you and he doesn’t want to see his child. Your child isn’t going to benefit from you trying to push for contact with people who have already rejected him. They’re despicable.

Im in the same boat.
i wanted to do the exact same as you but iv decided that we are best off without any of them (mum and sister) They know my child exists i left contact details and no one has contacted me for 18months also!!!
your situation echoes mine, thats so weird!!!

i have accepted none of them want to know and thats the harsh truth. Very horrible people, that simply arent worth your time. Fuck em!

No child needs contact with people who are not bothered. All children need is good strong relationships with stable people who are there for the child now and will continue to be there in the future, health permitting.

Does he run his own company? If so, have you tried searching for him on Companies House? Then if you find him there you could send that to CMS. You really should complain to CMS as they should be doing more to find him. It's unreasonable of them to not pursue this without a NI number.

I'd personally message, and keen evidence of anything you do send. It's important for children to learn about the genetic history and biological family as it forms part of their identity. You want your future child to know that, despite half of their bio family being useless, that you did everything you could to reach out and try for them.

There’s no way this is real. If you had to have someone’s NI number nobody would ever get child support.

Send a brief update of news at Christmas and Childs birthdays maybe ? Like an E- card. What child has done what their interests/ hobbies are. Otherwise don’t message I would say. You could risk pushing them further away. Let their interest develop organically through those little twice the yearly updates.

I would leave the sister alone as she has already said she has mental health issues. All you can do is keep the proof that you have tried to reach out to your child’s father for when your child is older and asks. You have tried, he has chosen to walk away, that’s not your fault.

I would also contact CMS again.

What area do you live in? Is his Facebook name a road name or a silly name.

OP, do you have MH issues? Who is your support? Do you work? Have friends?

Days at home with babies can be quite lonely unless you have a decent support network. It just sounds like you are feeling isolated and introspective.

You are very defensive. You are now engaged go and live your life without a deadbeat loser in your life. Let your fiance be a dad to your child.
I can say this as the same happened to me, I had a fling and barely knew the guy. It turned out he was married with 3 kids, I was devastated that I could potentially break up a marriage and that didn’t sit right with me, he also refused to acknowledge she was his.

As far as I was concerned it was his loss. So I moved on married a wonderful man and had 2 more kids. She is 26 now and is so close to my husband and he is the only dad she has ever known or needed. She is also extremely close to her younger siblings and our 16 year old really looks up to her big sister.

Go and live a full and wonderful life with your child, you don’t owe him or his family anything but on the otherside of that they owe you nothing as well.

Tbf, and based off the OPs replies, I think the sister is best not engaging.

Especially if she has limited head space already

I used to work for DWP and they can trace his Ni number if you have his full name, date of birth and address OP.
If you don’t have these details there must be a way to get them

This. Bluntly put but true

Whats the backstory Op, I am getting stalker vibes of you….

They are not interested, why can't leave them to contact you if they want to.

Sorry you are going through this but the silence is your answer you should be grateful your not having to share your dc with such a selfish and unkind family. Don’t contact the sister either. Move on when dc asks about him in the future just be honest say he wasn’t man enough to be a dad. Be glad ur not in a court battle, shared custody or them trying to get dc from you. He’s obviously not worth it and his family aren’t either I would honestly be thankful you haven’t got to deal with them.

Was the man you had a fling with married OP? Or in some sort of relationship? You may or may not have known this depending on how you met. But it might explain the families response.

I’ve never had to apply for CMS as I’ve not been in that position, but I’d certainly be challenging them on fobbing you off because they can’t find him. Presumably you’ve given all the info you have about him? They track absent parents down a lot from what I can tell.

As for the sister, at the time she may well have meant what she said. But things have changed and she no longer wants to be in touch with you. Whilst this is hard, you have to accept that. The only person who owes you anything is the father of the baby.

I am surprised to hear you are engaged though. You say the baby is only 18 months old, and you were suffering with PND initially, so I am wondering when you met someone knew and developed a relationship to the engagement stage when most people are focusing on just surviving year 1, never mind dating etc!